Trials of a Master Thief: Chapter 1

Hello! I went and started reading this like I said I would, since this is old and has already been reviewed a hefty amount, this will end up being pretty short. I like the characters introduced so far, there is very enticing dialogue and description of them here.

He shuddered a little, feeling his first ever concern for the previous Taker, a man named Garrett Korrin.

Hey there!

So, I see you've got quite a few great review on this, so why not add one more? I will let you know now that I have only skimmed the other reviews, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

The very beginning is an interesting start (and I'll ignore the fact that it's an over used starting point). So, one thing that I wonder is why not just start off with the main characters name? It would cause less confusing in figuring out who this 'he' is, because it may be in first person. We don't know.

Second thing about this is it feels a little choppy. A lot of the sentences start in the same way, with he or his and just telling what happens, not really taking into consideration other factors, like details and descriptions. Sure, you want that suddenness, but don't have every sentence start the same way, otherwise it becomes monotonous.

The next confusion comes in when the pair are running to find the boy who has come back. In there, it mentions something about them running on roofs and hearing voices. I really find it hard to believe that if they are on top of roofs, then the voices would come to them very clearly. The boy would have to have a megaphone for that to seem realistic.

Also, I don't really understand where all this is happening. Is it in a building? On a square? Once again, it mentioned rooftops before, but I don't recall any other place mentioning where this is going on at. Perhaps try to clear that up some by describing the setting. (And also, how did Sebastian not notice them? They were in the back, but he appeared to he scanning the crowd the entire time.)

Lloyd was talking about how Sebastian was gone for so long, but then he mentions him already having this title, Thief-Taker. I don't understand how he could know about it if he didn't know Sebastian was back until moment before. Try to take a look at that.

Sorry that this review was so curt, but the idea was interesting anyways. I'm interested to know thing about what they're wanted for, what the two do. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

It had an interesting start. I'd like to see how this Sebastian character will be developed and what the title 'Thief-Taker' entails. I can make a few educated guesses, but that's all. I didn't see any mistakes, and if you can make it work, this story could go a long ways.

Hello, Seraphinaxx! Happy Review Day.

There is literally nothing wrong that I can find with this chapter. So instead of writing a detailed review about errors, I'll point out the things I liked so you can incorporate them into the next chapters.

Lyn bit down on her lip, her most common nervous gesture. "It's worse." More lip biting. "See for yourself." She ran from the room before he had a chance to reply.
Lip biting is such a small detail but it helps me to get to know the character better.

The pair halted, Lyn skidding a little.
Again, it's the little details that count.

Even Lloyd was almost tempted to do whatever he said, whatever he wanted, anything to keep him happy, to make Sebastian smile at him for just a second longer.
This is the first time I've heard of Sebastian, so it was good to know what Lloyd thinks of him. It helped me to paint a picture of the character.

Of course it was Lyn who managed to cheer him up. She nodded towards the poster for his unknown apprentice, frowning at it. "I'm only worth half as much as you, even though I'm sure I do more work."
Love the humour. Humour is good.

There you go. Hopefully that will help you with writing future chapters.

Hey, great job!

This is a perfect first chapter. Descriptive enough for it to make sense (which is sometimes hard for a first chapter), short enough and interesting enough to read the whole chapter, suspenseful enough to make a reader want to read the rest, and probably a lot of other things that I can't think of right now.

I love that you make the relationship between Lloyd and Lyn clear right away in the first chapter: Master and apprentice but they're still obviously close (people who aren't close don't tend to pick each other up and carry each other and put their arms around each other). You also did a great job of making us readers afraid of the bad guy, Trevalli, that's always helpful for later in the story. You also made it clear that he's powerful by having the scene where he's creepily mind-controlling the people.

Great job, I love this and am interested in reading more!! This review may not be very helpful for correcting things so I'm sorry for that. I'm more of an encourager

Hello there, I’m here for kind of, sort of review. I am still new to this so please forgive me if this doesn’t help.

First the good:

Right off the bat I am enjoying the intrigue behind this Sebastian person. The charismatic villain can be unbelievably interesting and enjoyable to watch if he is given a proper reason to do his villainous…things. This is of course, if he even is the villain, first chapter after all, so much to be explored.

This is in my personal opinion, but I believe the best villains are the ones that can convince the readers to their cause if they have one.

The interactions between the two leads are also enjoyable to read. I could definitely tell the two seem to get along (relatively speaking) since Lyn knew how to make Lloyd laugh. Another clear indicator that she probably knows him well is that she was able to ignore the fact that Lloyd had a knife to her through for moment, to only then calmly relay some information.

Lastly, I am a fan of the whole ‘show don’t tell’ mentality, which you displayed with Lyn, by describing her being nervous “…bit down on her lip,” rather than just saying she is nervous, as well as other gestures throughout the chapter.

Next, the bad?:

Hmm….the only criticisms I could come up with is that I don’t actually know Lloyd too well, which is understandable because, again, first chapter, so I do hope there will be more character development.

Also I don't actually know how much 100,000 gold is worth in this word, so hopefully that will be explained in another chapter.

I do have one nitpick though and that is when Lloyd tried to get Lyn’s attention.

It is written that- “ He clicked his fingers…”
I have always thought that clicking was more of an oral action, or an action that is used for a physical object rather than on you’d use for the fingers, but perhaps I am mistaken.

Finally, I would like to thank you for writing this tasty first chapter, so please continue writing.

Generally
Characterisation: I enjoyed the characterisation of Lloyd and Lyn, although the narrative framing gives us more insight into Lloyd than Lyn. Lyn is definitely filling the “spunky sidekick/associate” role right now. Trev reads like a good antagonist, and I'm genuinely intrigued at how things will pan out, aswell as how things came to this point.

Plot: There are obviously a few questions about the backstory that any read will have, which is the benefit of beginning in the latter stage of an ongoing conflict. The ongoing tension between Trevalli and the main characters is the obvious one, and it’s clear you’ve intentionally created a bit of mystery around this (more on that later). The Big Question for me is “Why can Lloyd resist the villain but Lyn can’t”, and I’ll trust that it’s not because he’s the hero and she’s the sidekick.

Language: There are a few issues around punctuation and grammar, which I’ll deal with individually. Generally, most of them are style calls. As a writer, you need to prioritise between strict grammar and narrative pacing (I’m trying to put a bigger emphasis on pacing, but my tendency is toward grammatical intricacy).

Specifics:
“His mind was still sluggish from sleep, but his instincts were working well enough.”
Given that he’s just woken up, the word “still” is a little redundant for a character we haven’t been introduced too yet.

“the dagger”
Given that we don’t know anything specific about the dagger, this should be “a”. If it’s “his dagger” or “the dagger he kept under his pillow out of habit” then that might be worth mentioning.


“released his grip on their wrist”
“their” is problematic. “The intruder’s” might be a good swap.

“I assume you have a damn good reason”
I feel like there’s a really small inconsistency in the diction here. A ruffian would exclaim “You’d better have a damn good reason” whereas a gentleman thief might exclaim “I assume you have a perfectly reasonable justification/reason”. For a character sliding between those roles, this is fitting enough.

“The girl”

Kind of like the dagger situation again. We haven’t had the object mentioned before, so “the” seems a little presumptuous. Referring to her as the intruder or even “The intruder, a girl,” as a half-measure.


“run out of town for...."… done to those people”
This seems at least as much about concealing this from the audience as lloyd’s natural pattern of speech and thought. Maybe only one of these asides is necessary? Readers can get a little ticked off when they can see the specific literary tools used to manipulate them.

“The midday sun was high in the sky “
This is, in fact, where the midday sun tends to reside, by the definition of what midday constitutes. It’s therefore somewhat tautological.

“the crowds.”
If one can’t distinguish between one crowd and another (and on the information provided to the reader, one can’t), then the plural is needless.

“A voice, growing louder as they neared the person speaking.”
This is one of the grammar/pacing issues I was referring to. This sentence is something of a fragment. Adding a “They could hear” to the start would fix this.

“Master and Apprentice, side by side.”
Same as above. I get why the sentence is there, it adds a sense of drama and helps you craft the image and its meaning/poetry. Could be improved by replacing the prior period with a semicolon, which would make a lot of sense, given how it runs off the previous sentence.

“Groups of the crowd”
Probably “segments” rather than “groups”. As we’re talking about subgroups within groups, rather than groups within groups.


“His voice was smooth, clear, authoritative; his smile charming.”
I can’t decide if you need a “was” before “charming”, given that it’s a sub-clause. I’ll leave it to your discretion.

“was almost tempted to do whatever he said, whatever he wanted, anything to keep him happy,”
This is a super strong response, although given how this develops, I gather that’s intentional. It might be narratively fruitful to have Lloyd give the reader a warning this is coming. If he’s encountered trevailli, then he’s going to anticipate this risk, or at least remember his last encounter with it.

“But then he saw the boy's eyes. Glowing amber, but cold. Calculating, appraising the audience in front of him, singling out those not fully under his spell, maybe even selecting his next victims.”
The short sentences are good for pacing, but play havoc with the reading experience. Grammatically, we aren’t sure what are glowing and cold, we don’t know who or what are doing the calculating and appraising. If you’re going to progress the sentences in this way, you probably need to carry forward the ideas into the next sentence. So: “The eyes that were like glowing amber, but cold. The eyes that calculated and appraised the audience…”

“but had also been named Protector of the Realm”
Youch, I feel like this is a big step for an exile to make in so short a time. If is charisma/magic is this powerful, how did they possibly kick him out in the first place, let alone expect to keep him out. If Lloyd knew he was one of the only people immune to his powers, he shouldn’t have settled for exile. He should have stone-cold stabbed the dude.

“mentally thanking the gods he didn't believe in”
Just once I’d love to meet a grizzled mentor character with faith. This is also a weird turn of phrase. I could imagine someone using common language they might not personally believe in, but his thoughts would probably reflect what he believes in, not what you want to establish he doesn’t. Is it luck, destiny? Maybe he’s a misotheist, and thinks the gods might exist, but aren’t particularly helpful.

“She struggled against him for a while, hissing and scratching, but he ignored it, only setting her down once he was sure the influence had worn off.”
Again, with a reaction this strong, it’s a wonder Trevailli isn’t dead or ruling the world. I’m guessing there are other powers and factions at play, beyond Lloyd.

“100,000 gold coins, wanted dead or alive. 5,000 for any information towards his location.”
Beginning a sentence with digits makes my eyes twitch.


Hope this was helpful. If not, or if there’s any need to clarify or comment, come find me on my wall or via pm.

Looking forward to future parts!

Cheers,

Rubric.