Steve pulled the car up a gravel driveway and in front of a large, beautiful, sprawling, two-story house. Much too large for a single man.
The Virginian air was cold. Much colder than any we had driven through. I zip up my hoodie as Steve opens his door and steps out onto the gravel to greet a man who sits on the steps of the house, accompanied by a black, shaggy haired dog. “Hello,” I hear the man say in a low voice.
As I close my door and stretch my legs, the man, my father, stands and shakes Steve’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Harry. I’m Steve, Abigale’s social worker.”
“Oh, we spoke on the phone,” my father says to Steve who merely nods his head in agreement. My father’s eyes fight to stay focused on the man he is talking to. I can see them moving between Steve and where I stand, still half hidden by the car, in his evenly tanned face with laugh lines.
“Under the circumstances, it was suggested that Abigale be accompanied by her social worker to be sure of the environment she would be living in- I’m sure you understand,” Steve said, in an almost apologetic voice.
“Yeah, sure, of course. I’m glad Abigale has been under good care,” my father concedes absentmindedly. His eyes don’t stray from my face anymore. I take a deep breath and look down at my feet, willing them forward. I walk slowly to where the two men stand, but before I get there, the shaggy black dog bounds down the front porch steps and past the two men, jumping onto his hind legs, and it’s all I can do not to fall over. “Charlie! Down boy!” my father rushes over to me and takes the dog by the collar. “I am so sorry, he doesn’t normally do that, are you alright?!” His face is etched with worry as he tries to control the dog and check on me at the same time.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say as I squat on one knee and pet Charlie’s head, “Hey boy, you’re very sweet.”
“Well I’m glad Charlie likes you so much,” my father says with a slight chuckle as he releases the collar and Charlie practically climbs in my lap and starts panting with his tail going a million miles an hour.
“I always wanted a dog, but Mom’s allergic,” I say with a small smile as Charlie leans into me.
“Well you can claim him as your first official friend here in Bartland then,” he says warmly and he reached out to pet Charlie’s back. “Followed in a close second by me, I hope…” His voice tapers off in a questioning manner.
“Abby,” I say with a small smile and offer him my hand that’s not buried by Charlie.
He takes my hand in both of his and smiles widely. “It is very nice to finally meet you, Abby. You may call me Harry if you like.”
Throughout this encounter, Steve stayed where he had stood with Harry and observed from a distance. “What breed is Charlie, Harry?”
“He’s a Black Irish Setter Lab mix. My doctor’s wife breeds them and he was the last one left of his litter. So I figured I could use some help herding the cows I had back then, so I trained him to be a cow dog. He doesn’t get to use those skills much anymore, he normally just lurks around the horses and follows me everywhere I go now.” Harry stood to reply to Steve, and Charlie followed but looked back at me and waited until I stood and joined them.
“He’s absolutely beautiful and so friendly,” Steve said happily, observing the way that Charlie stood by my legs and wagged his tail happily and panted with his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.
“He has definitely become a part of the family,” Harry commented with a small sigh.
“Please, come inside the house, Raelynn has been cooking all afternoon,” he motioned for us to follow him up the steps, and we did, with Charlie racing to be the first through the door and get to any scraps that may fall on the floor I suspect.
The inside of the house was beautiful, simple, and very homey. As we walked in there was a large foyer that connected to a small living room with a loveseat and a large chair in the corner with a coffee table in front of it with a vase of what looked like fresh wild flowers. The walls were a light blue with dark molding and wood floors. The contrast added to the home-like feeling, and it definitely was not what I was expecting to see when I walked into a house that belonged to a single man in his early forties. An older woman with her gray hair in a high bun and laugh lines to her temples walked out from what I guessed was the kitchen if my nose was correct with a large smile.
“Hello dears!” she hurried over to us and pulled me into a sudden hug that I smiled at and tried to keep from falling over. She was a few inches shorter than me with a medium build. She wore a dark green and white apron around her waist and jeans and a yellow blouse under it. “It is so nice that you’re finally here. We’ve all been so anxious to meet you, Abigale.” She kept hold of my upper arms as she spoke to me and she was just so sweet and kind that with just a few words, she won me over and I couldn’t help but respond to her with a smile.
“Call me Abby, please. Who’s we?” I asked with a strong tone of curiosity in my voice.
“Myself, Harry, Henry, Will, Carol, and Rachel, of course!” she looked at me with an expression like I should know who they were, but as soon as she said it I could see the look on her face change as she realized that I, in fact, did not know who she was talking about.
“Henry is our in-house stable hand, or rather in-barn stable hand. He stays in the small apartment that is attached to the barn on the south side. Will, Carol, and Rachel are all very good kids who help me out around here a lot. All four of them go to high school together, they start their senior year in a few days. I’ll be sad to lose their help during the day,” Harry said in explanation towards Steve.
“They’re all so eager to meet you. You may be able to find them in the barn, why don’t you go see if you can hunt them down, Abby, and tell them that dinner will be ready in twenty minutes?” Raelynn said it in such a way that I would be able to refuse if I liked, without sounding stand-offish, but I wanted to look around a little, and- frankly- Steve’s B.O. was getting to me, and I could tell by the way Harry and Raelynn stood slightly apart from him that they had caught the scent as well. I gave her a wide smile and offered the adults a small wave before turning and putting my coat back on to step outside.
“Come into the dining room, Steve, and we’ll talk about everything,” I could hear Harry’s muffled voice before the screen door slammed shut behind me and I went down the steps and started towards the barn, taking in my surroundings, but not the full effect of them.
End of chapter
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Hey September! Me again, back for more!
Before we start off, let me begin by saying I forgot to mention something last chapter. You say that Abigale straps her purse over her body instead of by one arm. I teach self-defense part time, and we don't tell women to do this. The reason being, it gives abductors something to hold on to. Now, this varies from school to school, but where I teach, we consider this the equivalent of two jiu-jitsu guys competing, one wearing a gi, one not. The one without a gi can use his opponents gi against him. The same goes for the purse. Now, clearly different people stand differently on this, but I thought I'd throw that out there.
My father concedes absentmindedly.
Here, the 'm' doesn't have to be capitalized. But the main reason I drew this out is because 'absentmindedly' doesn't quite seem right here. Something like 'nonchalantly' might suit the sentence better.
“Hello dears!” she hurried over to us and pulled me into a sudden hug that I smiled at and tried to keep from falling over.
There's quite a bit going on in this sentence. You might consider revising it so that it is more concise and better fits the sudden nature of the hug.
I know this sounds bad, and don't take it the wrong way, but I sort of hope this is the set-up for a horror story! It would be great. That aside, you are very consistent with your characterization from one chapter to the next. Themes carry over well. I'd just like to stay more in the characters head towards the end of the chapter. Give her time to feel a little. Does it upset her that there are other kids, or does it excite her?
Well, that's all I've got, September. You're a good righter, keep up the good work.
Thank you for taking the time to read not only ONE of my chapters, but in fact, BOTH of them! I hope you know that it is GREATLY appreciated
The part about the purse is again, one of those piece of myself that got thrown into the story. My mom always tells me to wear my purse across my body to protect it from and/or ward off "purse snatchers" but I do understand the problems it could cause in a physical assault. I used that as a chance for her to connect with something of her mom to show that though she's on the verge of emotionless, her only thought process and the force behind many of her actions is, in fact, because of her mom or something to do with her.
Abby doesn't know very well what is going on inside her own mind and heart, so the reader doesn't really either. The reader is on a journey with Abby through this, so they get to experience exactly what she does
to me that's what makes a good book- being able to not only read and enjoy it, but truly EXPERIENCE the story and what the characters are going through. Thank you for taking the time to review! It is greatly appreciated! I really love discussing these things, just have faith! I know where this story is going, and it has a few INTENTIONAL flaws there, but for a specific purpose that will be revealed later in the story. 
I used "absentmindedly" to show that Abby is like her father in the way that she handles grief, because that is- in a way- what the story is all about. He too in put out of himself and is distant and emotionless in times of grief and heartache, so the word "absentmindedly" shows that he's THINKING of something other than what he is actually saying. To show that he is distracted from his conversation with Steve and his focus is now on his daughter.
The sentence that is very busy, i wrote in that way to sort of show Abby's overwhelmed-ness- to her, there IS alot going on, and I wrote it in such a way that it would seem fast and sort of jumbled up so it would take the reader a second to process just like it took Abby a second to process because with her mom's death, she is quite distracted and not all quite in on the moment, so she's a split second behind everyone else in her reactions.
I wrote the ending of this chapter somewhat quick and I didn't get a chance to go back and review it much before I posted it, so its not the best that it could be, but hopefully at the start of the next chapter I can start with that internal dialogue to kind of start to show what she is feeling and thinking. Not too much though
Hello again! I understand your first chapter a bit better now, so I decided to read the second!
This one was really good! It's important to do a good job when characters meet and I think you really hit the spot with this one. Little things, like Harry not looking at Abby at first, and especially a short description of people, things like that really count in the long run.
There were only a few technical errors I would like to point out, so I'll get right to it.
In the fourteenth paragraph there was the conversation about the dog and a bit of it went like this-
" 'He’s a Black Irish Setter Lab mix. My doctor’s wife breeds them and he was the last one left of his liter."
I would just like to point out that people say a litter, not a liter of puppies. A liter is a unit of measurement used for liquids, so it is a word, just not the right one.
The last thing I would like to point out is this quote:
"As we walked in there was a large foyer that connected to a small living room with a loveseat and a large chair in the corner with a coffee table in front of it with a vase of what looked like fresh wild flowers. The walls were a light blue with dark molding and wood floors."
To me, this felt a little overwhelming. I felt like there was too much description in just one sentence, so I would recommend shortening it to a couple sentences so it's easier to comprehend.
Other than that, this was a good chapter! I'm looking forward to reading the rest!
Thank you so much! This is actually a VERY revised edition off the very first "full length" story I ever wrote, which was started over five years ago....
I'm very proud to see how far it has come and to the fact that it is decent enough for public eyes lol I will take you're suggestions and fix them in my own document, but I will keep the revisions to myself
That way I have a chance to let them settle into the story and blend into the rest of it
that whole liter vs litter thing I got though lol it was just a type-o I didn't mean it as they were measuring the volume of the puppies of course
haha