Come Hear Me- Chapter One

by SeptemberLove

Published February 3, 2014

16+

In Personal

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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As of today, I am officially a Gimile Partridge. Today is my
first day of school at Gimile School for young Women. An all-girls school. How
can my father do this to me? I am not only three thousand miles away from my
friends, but I’m also in a foreign country, at a strange school, where I know
absolutely no one.

I take that back. I know one person- Charlie, my driver.

Charlie pulls the small town car up a long driveway to a tall,
beautiful iron gate with grape vines wrapping themselves around the old
intricate designs. The gate opened slowly and Charlie pulled the car in,
following the winding road lined with tall Cyprus trees. I felt someone’s eyes
on me as I looked out my window but it was only Charlie who met my gaze, when
it shifted to the rearview mirror.

“It’s a beautiful school, miss. Is today your first day?” he
questioned me in a thick Italian accent.

“Yes. It is.” My answer was short and concise, on the verge of
being rude, but I hopes that he would understand and simply write it off as
nerves.

As the car rounded the last bend, it pulled up in front of a
massive building- red brick and stone accents on white stucco with tall piers
on the rooftop and many windows framed by vines slowly creeping up the wall
that were probably centuries old, and giving the building a look as if it has
been there so long it has simply become a part of the land. Purple lilacs
landscape around the building with neatly kept deep green grass covering the
large expanse of land around it. The building itself was four stories tall and
extended out on both sides uniformly.

When the car stopped moving, it was beside a young man who wore
a nice black suit and white shirt. He opened the door for me then took my bag
from Charlie who had taken it from the trunk.

“If you will follow me, Ms. Crandell, I will show you to the
headmistress’ office. My name is Theo- Headmistress Di Luca’s assistant and
butler and head of security. Welcome to Gimile’s Institute for Young Women. We
are pleased to have you join our family.”

His speech sounded rehearsed but he seems perfectly happy to be
doing his job.

We stopped in front of a large heavy door which Theo opened for
me and closed behind me, taking my bag with him.

A woman in her late forties glanced up from the papers in front
of her with her glasses resting on the tip of her nose. She smiled and removed
them completely before standing from her solid and official looking wooden
desk. She was a tall woman of medium build with dark wavy hair and severely
tanned- nothing but Italian. Her dark brown eyes glittered as she approached me
with an extended hand and the same smile from before. “You must be Agatha. I am
Headmistress Di Luca. Your situation is very special and I was just looking
through your file, but now that you’re here, you can tell me yourself.” She
gave a hearty and lively laugh before motioning to the chair in front of her
desk and taking a seat herself. “You were offered one of our most prestigious opportunities,
Agatha. Your parents must be proud.”

I gave her a small smile before shrugging slightly. “My mom
dies when I was little and my dad is in the military. This happened to be good
timing.”

She squinted at me then glances at the small stack of papers in
front of her. “You scored nearly a perfect score on our entrance exam. We had
one graduate last year score higher than your score. We are lucky to have you
here.”

I gave her a smile before I took a deep breath. “I am a
well-mannered young lady, my father made sure I would be. However, I was raised
by men and have been surrounded by all male friends since I started school. I
do not relate to the fashionable, hair-twirling, gossipers that seem to be
every girl I come across. I just had a seventeen hour flight next to a woman
who spoke of nothing but her boyfriend’s infidelity. I am very tired, and I do
not mean to offend or be rude to you, but if we could reschedule this little
meeting until after I sleep and recover some of those lost hours that even my
brain can’t contemplate where they were lost to that would be excellent, thank
you.”

She opened and closed her moth before giving me a knowing
smile. “I too was raised by my father. I know exactly how you feel and I think
that you will find that- while there are girls at this school of that
description- everyone here has a purpose and were hand selected. I suggest you
follow Theo- who you will find outside my office- to your dormitory and freshen
up. I expect to see more respect and a higher regard for your elders by
morning. You are dismissed Ms. Crandell.”

She was no longer smiling and I felt my face burn up as I left
her office biting my tongue and bowing my head in shame like a scolded puppy.
True to her word- I found Theo right outside her office and without a word he
began walking down a long hall. I knew that I should be looking around and
trying to memorize my way around, but I couldn’t seem to raise my head from the
hypnotic feeling of watching the stone floor pass under my feet.

“You are American?” Theo asked quietly as we turned yet another
corner down a similar hallway as the one before.

“Yes. I am.”

“Where are you from?” his voice was gentle and had a sing-song
quality to it. It was heavily accented, but he made English sound beautiful.
Not at all like the harsh Germanic language I have known since infancy.

“I am from a small town in Kansas.”

“Kansas?” he asked with a furrowed brow. I glanced up at his
face and realized how young he really was. His eyes weren’t the same dark brown
as Charlie’s and headmistress Di Luca’s- they were almost an orange brown with
a bit of green on the edges.

He gave me a puzzled look as we approached a stairwell. I stammered
a bit before I remembered the question. “Y-yes. It is a state in the very
center of the United States.”

“Oh, I see. I’ve always wanted to go to America. The concept of
it sounds wonderful.” His voice was excited with a dream like quality to it. We
went down another staircase that spiraled up probably to the roof.

“How old are you, Theo?” I asked bluntly, dropping my gaze from
the ceiling to his face.

He gave me a modest smile. “I am seventeen years old.”

Seventeen? He is only a year older than me. “How did you come
to work at an all-girls institute?”

He smiled again before answering. “I am a student here, Ms.
Agatha. My mother is the professor of language. I was given my title and “job”
if you will so I can study here. The board didn’t agree with the idea at first,
but my irresistible charm and good grades made their decision hard to regret.”

I smiled slightly and glanced down at my worn tennis shoes.

“Your dorm room is the last door on your right at the top of
the stair case. Your roommates are still at class, but have been informed of
your arrival.”

“Roommates? How many do I have?” I could feel my eyes widen
slightly in anticipation.

“There are four girls to a room so you will have three
roommates, Ms. Agatha.” He motioned for me to mount the staircase.

“And my things are already in my room?” I asked as I turned
back around to face him as I took the first step onto the stairwell. I was
anxious to be alone in such a large and confusing place. I didn’t want him to
leave me.

“Yes, Ms. Agatha.”

“How did you get them there so fast, Theo? I was not talking to
Headmistress long enough for you to walk all the way here and back again.” I
was slightly baffled as I heard the rationale in my own voice and idle stalling
turned into genuine curiosity.

He smiles at me warmly and took a step backwards. “I have
wings, Ms. Agatha,” he told me with a wink, “I didn’t have the new girl slowing
me down with her unknowledgeable stumbling through the halls.” His tone was
warm and joking and as he continued to back away from me slowly, he reached up
his hand and tipped an invisible hat. “Good day to you, Ms. Agatha, rest easy.”

And with that, he left, leaving me with one foot on the stairs
and the other firmly planted on the floor, not wanting to follow the other and
head towards what was completely unknown but rather sprint after the one piece
of testosterone in this cold and awfully feminine institution. I felt like as
much of an outcast as he naturally was.

Comments & reviews · 3
Random avatar
deleted30
Review
deleted30 wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.

This was great. I like the MC so far; she's realistic and relatable. The idea's really interesting, and I'm curious to see what'll happen next.

All of the characters that have been introduced are very intriguing. Pacing was solid, everything flowed together quite well. Your dialogue was good, natural and effortless. Details/descriptions were lovely without being overwhelming.

I honestly really enjoyed this and am eager to read the next chapter. Great job. :)

Nitpicks:

Gimile School for young Women.


The Y in "young" should be capitalized here.

She was no longer smiling and I felt my face burn up as I left her office biting my tongue and bowing my head in shame like a scolded puppy.


This could benefit from a comma or period, maybe a few. I'd suggest adding a period after "smiling," taking out the "and" that follows it, and a comma after "her office."

True to her word- I found Theo right outside her office and without a word


"Word" is repetitive here.

“I am a student here, Ms. Agatha. My mother is the professor of language. I was given my title and “job” if you will so I can study here. The board didn’t agree with the idea at first, but my irresistible charm and good grades made their decision hard to regret.”


Okay, so since Theo is saying this, the whole thing is already surrounded by double quotation marks—therefore, putting "job" in more double quotation marks wouldn't be correct. They should be singular quotation marks, like:

...I was given my title and 'job' if you will...

the stair case.


"Staircase" is one word.

I asked as I turned back around to face him as I took the first step onto the stairwell.


"As" is repetitive here. I'd change it to:

I asked as I turned back around to face him, taking the first step onto the stairwell.

Otherwise, this was pretty excellent! Kept my interest the whole time and was very entertaining to read.

Well done and keep up the good work! :D

User avatar
lakegirls
Comment
lakegirls commented Comment · Feb 15, 2014

Hey! I really enjoyed this story, it's very well written and has just the right amount of description and dialogue (balance between those two are hard to find). I did find the format kind of confusing but that's nothing against you, computers are horrible. I couldn't really find much else to point out, mainly because I was so intrigued while reading it that I didn't really look for mistakes!

I'm really looking forward to the next chapter :)

-Nicole

User avatar
Cmacca
Review
Cmacca wrote a review Review · Feb 3, 2014

Hey there!
This is a good piece of writing, that can be made great with a few little changes.
First of it pulled me in straight away, but perhaps a little bit more information about her father?
Also I am assuming that she is in Italy from the description of the characters but it would be nice to hear this out-right.
I have some questions as well;
If she is from Kansas, why do you have her describe the English she is use to as "harsh Germanic language"?
"mom dies when I" Should this be died not dies?
Lastly, I am not sure if it was you or the website but the layout seems to be a little off, with sentences being cut in half and ending on a different paragraph.

Over all, I can't wait to read the next chapter. :)

thank you for taking the time to read my work! Yes, she IS in Italy. English is a Germanic language. Not as in from Germany. It is known as a Germanic language. theres probably a few typos, and i am notorious for terrible formatting because i just copy and paste from my word document and it all gets jumbled up! I will be posting another chapter in the near future, and i do hope you read into it! :)



I would always rather be happy than dignified.
— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre