"I promise I’ll call when I land. I love you.” Mom smiles at me and kisses my forehead before picking up her bag and letting the screen door slowly close behind her. I watch her leave and I try to open the door. I can’t let her go. She can’t get on that plane. The door won’t open, I try to scream, but nothing comes out. No. Don’t leave me.
I wake with a start. My head rests against a cold window of the car I was forced into with a smelly social worker from my home state of Florida for a fourteen hour drive to my father’s small hometown in Virginia. I’ve never actually met him. I am the result of an affair which he and my mother had while he was still married. Seventeen years ago. Mom left when she found out she was pregnant. Dad didn’t even know I existed until he received a phone call from a twelve-year-old girl asking questions. Mom had caught me. I had found his number tucked away in a scrapbook and out of curiosity I dialed it, not thinking it would actually still work.
We’ve had a few letters and birthday cards in the five years since he found out, but we have yet to meet face to face. That’s all about to change though.
The social worker, Steve, pulls up to a gas station and says to me with a small, sad
smile, “Last stop. Three more hours to go. Here’s ten bucks, go get yourself a snack.”
I mutter my thanks and gulp in fresh air as I open my door. Note to self: get Social Worker Steve antiperspirant for Christmas.
The gas station is clean and well-kept which means something very important to me: decently
clean bathrooms.
Plus some pretty good coffee.
As I make my way in I slip my purse strap over my head so it rests across my body; its part of the cautions Mom taught me when I was younger. The man behind the counter seems nice enough as I order a coffee and as the way to the bathroom.
I freshen up a little and spray a bit of perfume on the front of my jacket just so I have something nice to stick my nose in when Steve’s B.O. gets too intense.
I look at myself in the mirror and see the same face from two weeks ago. I look the same, but my heart is changes. Hardened. The reality that nothing is permanent and no matter how solid something is, it doesn’t take much to fall right through and bring everything crashing to the depths of you know where.
I pay for my coffee, a teddy bear coloring book and crayons I notices on the nearest end cap. No matter how old you get, there’s always something calming about the smell of wax and cheap paper. It’s a smell related to simpler times, when the world wasn’t so mean and complicated.
When I get back to the pump where the car sits with Steve leaning against his door, its chilly in the North Carolina air and the sky is one solid cloud, just threatening to let loose its own tears while I feel as if I couldn’t shed another tear.
Steve sees this emotion on my face and heaves a heavy sigh. “Come on, soldier. I’m sure you’re going to love your new home, nestled into the foothills of the Appalachia. It just sounds beautiful.”
“It does,” I agree. I open my door and sit down, leaving my door open to air out the slight
leftover smell of Steve. I feel as if I could fall asleep, but I don’t dare to welcome the same dream I’ve had every time I pass out from exhaustion. My last moments with Mom. Trying to change something. Something to make her stay. Anything.
It was a small airplane, just big enough for two. They had claimed it was engine failure. Engine failure that sent them crashing into the canyon.
I reach for my book, Emma, and try to loose myself in the subtle humor of it. Steve gets in the car and not another word is uttered for the final three hours of my old life.
End of chapter
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
Heya!
Okay, so I review a lot of beginnings of novels on YWS and do you know what I see? A lot of teenage girls moving to a new town after the tragic death of a parent.
A lot.
So, what's important that you make yours stand out from the crowd. To an extent, you manage this. I like that it's not at a funeral. I like the detail of the fourteen hour drive because logistics like that are usually glossed over. I really like Steve the social worker and his perspiration. You have all these great elements- I mean it. It's well written, you have a nice voice, your heroine hasn't annoyed me yet. So I like it. I do. But it just isn't original.
The first thing I'd do is rid yourself of the dream sequence. That really is one of the worst ways to start a story. If you can't think of an opening line exciting enough in your opening scene, then why is it your opening scene? Why are you choosing to start the story here? Whatever that reason is, put that at the front of your story. Maybe they've just crossed a state line. Maybe Steve has brought her dad up. Anything that shows us that this scene is really where the story begins, that it isn't just residing in the liminal state of the drive itself. Give us an exciting hook. Give us a reason to read this scene.
And most importantly, give me a reason to read on. Right now, it's another 17-year-old girl who has recently lost a parent in a tragic accident and is moving to a new town. What's going to happen? She going to meet a boy with beautiful green eyes? Is he going to be aloof? Is she going to open up to him and they're going to find common ground and help each other?
Break away from the formula. Your writing is fab, I just don't want to read the same story again and again.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! I do realize that there are alot of this type of story out there. This is a highly revised edition of the first story I ever wrote, and that was in Junior high. We're all searching for a little bit of blending in and normalness in junior high am I right? I promise that this story goes so much more in depth than you think
I just have not gotten that far in posting yet 
so please, just have faith in me 
I hope you stick around to read the rest...
Hi! I am going to review your work today
First I'd like to say that I have not finished reading it yet while I'm writing this. I was so distracted by the formatting, but I see that you are on top of that and I don't need to add more to that. However, that wasn't the only thing I was distracted by. The beginning is obviously a dream, but I didn't know that until after you had to explicitly state it. I think it could use more work to establish what you're trying to do. Perhaps you could add more description to the dream itself, like, say you expand on the emotions during the interaction between the main character and her mother and show the love that they have for each other with long descriptive sentences, then emphasize the abrupt fear of the main character for her mother with short, blunt statements to create a sense of urgency and terror.
Second, the entire second paragraph is good at giving information, but it gives off too much information in one fell swoop. I think all the information is important for the reader to know, but it should be given at a nice pace so that we're not getting a tone of information all at once.
(At this point, I am reading the rest of the chapter.)
Third, there are some grammatical errors that can be fixed with just a quick skim through the writing.
Fourth, I enjoyed your characterization. The main character is likable and I found myself quickly sympathizing with her because she's facing something unknown and a complete change in her life. There is some great emotion written into this, especially the parts where she talks about coloring and air in North Carolina. You did wonderfully explaining the mother's death. It was short and to the point and left a great impact and shock that only made me more interested in reading on. I especially enjoyed the ending and that might have to do with the fact that it is well rounded and establishes what the main character is looking forward to next in the novel and the conflict she needs to face.
Overall, it needs some work but sounds very promising. The character is realistic and intelligent and seems worthy of reading about. I hope you keep writing because this is really good.
Sincerely, Dianne.
Thank you Dianne for taking the time to read my work!
I really appreciate it! I never thought of expanding on the dream at the beginning of the chapter, but I will definately try that! I guess I was too busy trying to get to the action of the story to focus on the meat and depth that needs to be established for the reader to understand more thoroughly. I'll try to go back sometime this week and fix the formatting so its not so distracting. It frustrates me that it did that, because it was perfect in my document, then- like i said before- somewhere between copy and paste, it got all sorts out of wack! I think if the dream has more to it, and is more elaborate, then the second paragraph won't seem so heavy in information, so I will see what I can do with that! 
Thank you again for taking the time to read and review! Greatly appreciated!!
Hey September! Nicely done, you are clearly quite talented. Now, time to get to the meat of the review!
You should take some time to mess around with the formatting. Somewhere along the line it's gone a little wonky. It's not a huge deal, but your narrative flowed so smoothly it's a shame to let the formatting drag it down even slightly.
I think I like where you're going by underlining certain phrases. It makes me think of the House of Leaves. Just try not to use it willy-nilly, because at times I had trouble deciphering why it was there.
I also like how you begin and end the story on the same plot point so it sticks with us until the next chapter. It also reminds us to keep asking questions. You do a good job keeping some of the information withheld, keeping our interest. That's tough to do in a first-person narrative.
One thing that threw me for a loop Who is Emma? Is the book Emma? If the book is a conscience being, then that is an interesting plot point to throw in right there. I don't think the book is named Emma though. Always shoot for clarity. You did well up until this point.
Great job, September. This piece was very polished, aside from the formatting. Keep up the great work!
I copied this straight from a word document and somewhere between copy and paste it turned into a mess, I fixed the majority, but I do know that it isnt perfect. Thank you for taking the time to read and review! It is greatly appreciated! Emma is, in fact, the title of a very real book by a very real Jane Austen
I suggest it to anyone who is interested in romantic fiction from the 19th century England and who loves comedy because it does get a few chuckles out of me every time I read it!
Hello! Cheetah here, ready to review your piece!
This was pretty good, you had a good concept and it was an OK beginning, but I think it could use just a bit more spark. I think a bit more emotion would do this chapter a world of good, since the way this is written seems to be set up for that.
Among other things, I loved your vocabulary! You definitely know your words!
I liked this story, but I didn't quite understand all of it- this could be great, though!
Thank you for reading this! I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you read the chapter that follows it as well! I purposefully have Abby written slightly detached and somewhat emotionless, because I modeled her somewhat after myself, and in moments of grief I tend to sort of shut down, and I'm not very outward in emotions, I don't know if others are the same way, but I wasn't sure how to express another sort of emotion following an tragedy of that kind without it seeming histrionic, so I just wrote what I knew best. I also wrote this as a way of working through a life experience of my own, so much of the story has stains of my own emotions and thoughts and experiences because someone very important to me once told me "write what you know." Which is why my specialty is realistic fiction, and human interactions. I'm so glad you took the time to read my work though! This is kind of drawn out, but I wanted to kind of explain that point and to say that I am aware that it lacks emotion- it is purposefully done.
Oh ok, I get it now! The whole emotion thing, I mean.
So there IS another chapter. Thanks for telling me, I'll be sure to look into it!
I've been trying to figure out a way to make the emotion-less thing more obvious without jeopardizing Abby's moral character... i.e. making her act out, or be outright rude, etc. But nothing has seemed to change it much, and I wanted to just put this out here since review day is starting. Thank you so much for reading though!
Well, good luck!!