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Young Writers Society


Language

Dearest Abby- Chapter 3

by SeptemberLove


I was surrounded by the brisk mountain air and the fading sunlight that casted everything into a dark blue when it seemed like it was still light enough to see. The barn was large and blocked out a portion of the sunset upon the horizon.

It was getting too dark to see much as I came up to the closed barn door, and as I reached for the handle to pull it open, it was jerked away from my hand. I jumped, giving a little yelp as two laughing guys stopped mid step and looked at me. They clearly did not expect to see me standing there.

The taller of the two was the first to speak up, “Hey, are you Abigale?”

In the warm light from inside the barn I could see two girls, one very short and petite, and the other tall and thin, sweeping up the aisle. I couldn’t see the faces of the two young men standing in front of me however. “Yes, umm, Raelynn asked me to tell you all that dinner will be ready in twenty minutes,” I answered after a moment’s pause.

“Oh, goodie,” the taller one said with a short laugh. “Here, come in out of the chill,” he and the shorter young man stepped back into the barn and motioned me in. “My name is Will.” I could finally see him in the warm light of the barn and he had a warm and friendly smile. He had light brown hair that was cut short but long enough to see the subtle curl of it. His bright, light blue eyes studied me as I studied him, and the crinkles on the outer edge of each eye deepened as I stepped into the barn.

“I’m Abby,” I said, offering a small smile. The shorter one, who had dark hair that was slightly longer than Will’s closed the barn door after me, whatever the two boys had been in the process of doing when I came in, forgotten.

Will’s smile widened and he gave a small chuckle, “So you aren’t Abigale?” I heard the dark haired young man scoff under his breath.

I could feel my brow furrow at his question until I realized what I’d said. “Call me Abby,” I corrected with a smile of my own.

The dark haired young man stood slightly apart from where Will and I were talking. “Don’t be such a smartass, Will,” he gave will a look I didn’t quite understand. Will’s eyes flashed to his and his expression changed from one of ease to an exhausted annoyance.

“Don’t be so fake, Henry,” Will muttered under his breath. He turned back to me and took in my very confused expression. A smile widened again across his handsome face, “It is very nice to finally meet you, Abby. I feel like I already know you from how much Harry talks about you,” he gave a soft reassuring laugh and took a step next to me and put a friendly arm around my shoulders. “Carol, Rachel, come meet Abby!”

The two girls looked up from the other side of the barn where they had been working and talking, oblivious to my arrival. The petite blonde’s face lit up into a smile that would make even Edgar Allen Poe write about skipping through daisies and eating chocolate chip cookies. The other offered a smile and followed at a walk behind the blonde who nearly sprinted over to me.

“Oh my gosh! It’s so exciting to meet you! Harry’s told us so much about you! I’m Rachel by the way! Oh, I just love your jacket! Where’d you get it?” she spoke about a thousand words per minute and only paused to breathe when she gasped at my jacket.

“My mom bought it for me in Maine, I’m not sure of the store,” I muttered, looking down at my deep brown wool coat with long skinny buttons that ended right at my hips.

It wasn’t until I looked back up from my jacket that I noticed the unusual silence that fell. I looked at Rachel whose face held a slight look of guilt as she looked at Will beside me who was giving her a slightly stern expression. The taller girl came up behind Rachel and placed her hands on her shoulders and gave me an encouraging smile. “Will seems to think that it is his job to make you feel at home here, he’s already declared himself you’re tour guide for school and everything,” she laughed as she took in the encounter and gave me an expression that said ‘We want you to be happy here.’

“Actually, Carol, that opportunity was awarded to me when I earned the title of Valedictorian and Senior Class President,” he smiled at her in a mocking yet friendly way and she made a face in reply. “We don’t get many new students at Bartland High School,” he told me with a slightly sympathetic look. “The newest student we had before Henry came here two years ago was Terrance Harold in fourth grade.”

I felt a lump form in my throat as my inner wallflower tried to find a way out of being the doomed center of attention, but I forced it back. I’ve always had to force my inner extrovert to be more present than the side of me that goes running in fear from the spotlight.

Rachel saw the worried look on my face and her own expression changes from one of a chastised puppy to a bright reassurance. “Don’t worry, Abby, it’s a small class, so you’ll fall into place easier than a four piece puzzle.” She giggled a little at the end and Carol just gave me a look from behind Rachel that said ‘I know she’s a little crazy, but she’s harmless.’

Henry took a couple steps towards me, standing in front of me and Will, his dark brown eyes guarded and hesitant. “Now that depends, Rachel. We don’t really know anything about her, so how can we tell how well she’ll fit in?”

“Back off, Henry. Abby just got here, show a little courtesy. Why don’t you try being friendly for once?” Will’s arm tightened around my shoulders. I had forgotten it was there and I suddenly felt uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed by the way he was simply standing beside me with his arm around my shoulders. It was nice though, it made me feel safer and as if he and I were already good friends.

“It doesn’t seem to me that he is capable of being friendly to people who just pop into his little group of friends, and I know I just met you all, but Henry, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about me like I wasn’t standing here listening. Thank you.” In a sudden burst of annoyance this spewed from my mouth and I felt my cheeks blaze slightly at my own words, but it didn’t last long as I also felt a rush of pride.

Will chuckled beside me and I could feel his warm arm shake slightly around my shoulders with his laugh. He sighed and Rachel and Carol both gave me friendly reassuring smiles. “I think we’re going to get along great, Miss Abby, you can hold your own. I like that.” He pulled his arm away and put both hands in his jacket pockets and gave me a slightly shy smile.

I felt my cheeks warm slightly and I gave him a smile and a little shrug.

Henry scoffed and walked to the barn door and pulled it open. “I’m gonna head in, you losers coming or not?”

Carol and Rachel followed him out, Rachel pausing to give me a small hug and a reassuring smile. Will motioned for me to go before him and so I followed the two girls and Henry out of the barn and into the yard, trailed by Will who slammed the barn door shut with a secure finality.


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9 Reviews


Points: 103
Reviews: 9

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Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:06 pm
Saichi wrote a review...



Alright, I would just like to start off by saying that I truly enjoyed reading this story. There weren't any obvious problems and I actually enjoyed how your characters were portrayed. So, it's going to be hard for me to actually come up with something that needs improvement. Therefore, I'll just begin on the positives. I really like what you're doing with your descriptions and characters. I honestly enjoyed how the characters reacted with one another, and didn't find anything to be 'odd' or 'naive' about the main female character Abby. I say this, because most of the time whenever the female characters are surrounded by good looking boys, well, they're instantly in love 'per say'. Which can be a bit frustrating. I also enjoyed the descriptive details you added in here. There isn't an abundance of them, nor is there too little. So, keep up the good work!
Now, onto the negatives, which there really is only one or two things that I saw.

In a sudden burst of annoyance this spewed from my mouth and I felt my cheeks blaze slightly at my own words, but it didn’t last long as I also felt a rush of pride.

I just found this sentence to be a bit awkward. The way the sentence is worded throws it off a bit for me. Possibly try rearranging the order of the words? For example,I would add a few words before the quote so that it isn't so awkward.
'I felt a sudden burst of annoyance and I couldn't help myself but to suddenly spew out a few words that I knew I was going to regret later. “It doesn’t seem to me that he is capable of being friendly to people who just pop into his little group of friends, and I know I just met you all, but Henry, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about me like I wasn’t standing here listening. Thank you.” My cheeks blazed slightly at my own words. However, it disappeared almost as soon as it came, replaced by a rush of pride.'


This will hopefully give you an idea as to what I'm referring to/talking about. c: But, anyway, I really did enjoy reading your story and I hope you'll keep writing because it really was a good chapter! You officially have me interested! ^^ I hope this review helped!






Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! In return for reviews, I always like to reply to them, so my reviewers know how much i appreciate it, and that I didn't just blow off what they said, and that I'm actually taking it into account. :) I see what you did there with the word rearrangement, I will fiddle around with it when I get the chance, I've been busy working on Chapter 4, and with any luck I'll have it up by thursday :) I've really enjoyed writing this, and- if I do say so myself- I think it shows in the end result :) So I'll just mention now that it's not just because of my ability as a writer alone, but because of the people in my life that make me thankful for each and every day and who make me smile when I'm feeling down who should really take responsibility for this. <3 They are my inspiration. :) Thank you again, and I hope you read my next chapter, as well as the one to follow, and the one after that, and the one after that! :D I'm doing my best to make this as real and true as possible and as engaging and enjoyable as I can. :) Thanks again!



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37 Reviews


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Tue Oct 01, 2013 3:56 am
wizkid515 wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm Wiz and I'm going to do a small review for you today.

First off, I love Will's character. He seems like he is going to be one of my favourites if you decide to continue with this story. He seems confident and out-going while being able to make sure he isn't so full of himself.

Just a little comment on Henry. It seems to be a very quick transition from one of the "two laughing guys" to angry and mean. I can't tell at this stage if it's jealousy towards Will. Just something I noticed, I don't know if it was intended to be like that.

I really like how Will and Abby seemed just seemed to click together. Thought this also seemed to happen a little face. There is lots of content squished into a small space. Maybe try pacing yourself a little.

I read the other two chapters before this one and I'm loving it so far. I hope you don't take my comments as coming off too harshly.

Till next time,

Wiz :D






Thank you sooo much!! :D I looooooove Will's character lol he's based loosely on one of my own friends who is very special to me and I love writing for Will :) There was a point to the fast transition for Henry- if you remember Will's comment "Don't be so fake, Henry" that should give you a clue ;p Henry is a pickle of a character as you'll discover in later chapters, just trust me ;) I don't think it happened too fast- Abby never made an outward advance to Will, it was just in her internal thoughts that you were just catching the inkling of an attraction. Just think of Will as just being very friendly and outgoing and open to anything. :) Thank you for taking the time to read and review! It was not too harsh, it was honest :) I love honesty and I welcome it good and bad :P So thank you! and never be afraid to be harsh :) It just makes people better writers. (As long as there is a rational reason to be harsh and that you dont take it overboard of course.) :P




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