Every day, on my lunch break, I go to a park. It’s a nice switch of scenery from the monotony of the office life.
For a blissful hour, I get to forget about spreadsheets and deadlines and just sit in a park, surrounded by wildlife.
As I sit on the park bench, all kinds of people pass me by, and I wonder to myself, what’s going in their heads? What’s it like in their life?
A man and a woman pass me by with their hands interlocked. How did they meet? Tinder, maybe. No, thats not very romantic. I bet they met at a New Year’s Eve party and shared a kiss underneath the fireworks.
A man in a suit and slicked back hair walks by with a strut in his walk. I wonder if he’s important, he looks like a gangster. I bet he’s some sort of great grandson of a crime boss.
A lady walks by in jogging gear. Why does she run? For herself or maybe she’s a marathon runner. I’ll have to look out for her when it’s televised.
A man limps by wearing rags with a cig hanging from his lips. Where did it go wrong in his life? Maybe I should help him, give him ten dollars or something.
My alarm goes off. Back to reality, head back to work. Oh well, It’s time to live my own life again.
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140,062 Literary Works • 672,976 Reviews
Hey hey hey!!
I enjoyed this - it's very well-paced, and I love how it all takes place over the course of a single lunch break. The little vignettes of people and what they might be doing are a real highlight.
I will say that it feels like nothing really happens. I do recognise that this is kind of the point - I'm not suggesting that you add in an action scene or something, that would be completely at odds with what this story is trying to do. But you may want to consider adding in more of a sense of progress or change in the protagonist's thoughts or feelings, so that it doesn't feel like we're ending in the same place we started.
My other top-level criticism is that you may want to look at your paragraphing. There's no real reason for a paragraph break between the first two paragraphs, as they're talking about the same thing. You could even include the third paragraph in there, too, although that's more down to preference.
This is a bit redundant; you're expressing the same piece of information twice. I think it can easily be inferred from 'spreadsheets and deadlines' that the narrator works in an office.
(You're missing an apostrophe in 'thats'!)
I love this succession of observations! You're establishing a very clear pattern in which the narrator actively chooses the most dramatic and exciting interpretations of what they're seeing, which can be easily tied back to their desire to exit their own boring reality. It's really fun! I get the sense that if the narrator learned about the actual details of these people's lives, they'd likely find it boring and lose interest. Which is really interesting to me! This is framed as a way of looking outwards and finding contact with the world, but it's actually creating distance.
This is also very interesting to me! We see the start of a move towards the other person rather than away - and then it's swiftly interrupted by the alarm, and the constraints of office life. I do think this story would benefit from adding in more detail and digging deeper into the narrator's worldview - and if it were me, this is where I would start from!
Good work, keep writing!
Noted, structuring is def my big weakness
Idk, I think the three little descriptions of people walking past are very well-structured! It's tough in a work this short, too. You'll figure it!
Hello, Sebastian! This piece is great, it really does capture how it feels to people-watch. It also captures the kinds of thoughts that run through our heads when we watch others.
The quote,
Really matches some of the thoughts and feelings we have about other people.
This quote,
Shows how our judgements and feelings on certain subjects can help others, or can make us think that something else it happening, when it may be completely different. (Or maybe his life really is bad, IDK.)
I think this piece has to potential for expansion, and could be a beautiful Short Story.
Thank you, I'm glad you found it relatable, that was my intentions.
Hey Sebastian! I've been really loving your work and reviews lately, good job! Hope you keep it up!
I love the idea presented in this short piece. I am an avid people watcher. In fact, I've been doing it all day, looking out of the window of the coach I was on and now the train, imagining what other people's live are like. It's actually a brilliant way to start story ideas; any one of the characters in your piece could easily become the centre of a larger story!
One thing I think you could focus on is perhaps some larger paragraphs and more detail. I like the little details we do get, especially the guess that they met at a New Year's Eve party and whether you should give the man some money. However, it doesn't quite feel like you've gotten inside these people's heads, just seen them from the outside. At the end, you say, time to live my own life again, but it doesn't feel like you have been living in their heads; just guessing! It would be nice to expand on some of these ideas and imagine details about their lives that sort of show the narrator is taking one small detail and running far with it, if that makes sense?
It's certainly still a strong piece on its own, though! Love your writing
Yes, when reviewing my work post-upload, I was thinking the same thing. Glad to hear you are a fan of my writing, I'm happy to hear it.
This is a pretty fun work! I think it's worth mentioning that the speaker always views someone else's life as more exciting than it probably is which is pretty realistic of people in general. On the other side, it's also fun to just people watch and come up with a fun story for them. When people are always caught up in their own life, sometimes it's nice to take a break from the work or the screen and just watch people and think of how they got here. It's probably more symbolic than I'm calling it for but I think it's a nice work! 10/10 W
Im flattered, thank you!