The thing that hurts the most is that if I had asked when I had a chance, she probably would’ve said yes. It’s too late to yearn though, it’s been years since we’ve last seen each other. It doesn’t stop me from thinking about it though.
If I asked and she said yes, I would’ve brought her on the nicest first date. I would’ve found the fanciest restaurant and then when the bill came, I’d say “Please, please. It’s on me, don’t worry. It’s on me.” She would’ve been so charmed.
Then, we would date for a while and I would tell her all my worries and the latest pain in my life. I would rest my head on her shoulder and she would console me, telling me everything would work out and be okay.
Maybe we would’ve gotten married. Petals laid out on a white-sand beach. A big bonfire and a beautiful pink sunset. She could’ve worn a beautiful silk dress as the band played in the background.
Eventually, we could’ve had kids. If it was a boy, I think I’d call him Anthony. He’s be names after the best rockstar ever. If it was a girl, I’d name her Florence. A gentle and kind name.
If we had a kid, we’d need a nice house to keep them. Im thinking a white picket fence and a large house in the suburbs. The type of place where you could go on your front lawn and greet your neighbour who’s mowing the lawn.
If things turned out right, the kids would be off to college and me and her would wave goodbye to them, as they drive off to the sunset. Maybe there, they’d meet their loves, that would be very full circle.
After the kids leave, we’d have dinner and I’d look to my loving wife and think to myself, I’ve lived a good life.
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140,065 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
Hello, hello!
I like how immediately this establishes the regret and gives the whole story a more wistful tone. The repetition of "though" stands out a little, especially because both sentences are so close together. I’d probably change one of them so the opening flows more smoothly. I also think "it’s been years since we’ve last seen each other" would read more naturally as it’s been years since we last saw each other. The actual sentiment works though because it tells me straight away that this isn't really about a lost relationship, which is arguably sadder.
I like the way the fantasy gradually gets bigger, from asking her out to imagining an entire wedding and family. It feels very believable that someone dwelling on a missed chance would start filling in every possible stage of the life they could have had. This paragraph is a little list-like though because nearly every detail gets its own short sentence. I'd probably combine one or two of them so it feels more like he's actually picturing the scene rather than listing the ingredients of his ideal wedding.
It might also be nice to include something specifically connected to her here, because at the moment the wedding is beautiful but could theoretically be with anyone.
This is sweet but I think there's something slightly unflattering about how completely he's imagined their lives without her ever having actually agreed to the first date, and I think that could be really interesting if it's intentional. He's gone from "eh, she probably would’ve said yes" to imagining their children leaving for college, which shows just how much he's built this alternate life in his head. I'd lean into that a little more, as well.
***
This is a nice little story! I like in particular how every stage feels increasingly real to him even though none of it happened. I'd maybe add a few more concrete memories of the actual woman somewhere amongst all the imagined ones, though. At the moment, I know exactly what life he wanted with her but almost nothing about who she actually was. Is that intentional? Is the woman purposefully kept vague so that this could be applicable to anyone and everyone? You could elaborate more on that here.
I also enjoy how after imagining an entire lifetime, he ends on this very simple thought that he would've considered himself happy. I think, however, you could make it feel more significant by bringing the story briefly back to the present afterwards, especially since the opening tells me it's been years since they last saw each other. I like that the sadness comes from possibility rather than an actual breakup, though, but you should lean into it!
Anyway, happy reviewing! Cheers!
Lipton
I loved this, thinking of the future and who you could have.
You're reflecting on what you could have had and it's a beautiful way to set it up.
Its all the "what ifs" they're part of what makes it beautiful. First you had to ask her, then she had to say yes. It's almost like you're trying to recon
vince yourself that this could never happen.
IMAGERY!! This made me instantly see what this is. Honestly I want to see more of this throughout.
It's that trying to convince yourself that this could have never happened again.
Now we're planning. We've moved on from the "this could have never happened" to "let's plan for this to happen"
This sentence is a little wonky. Maybe "The type of place where you could go outside and greet your neighbor who's mowing their lawn."
That would be a very full circle.
"...I'd look to my loving wife and think to myself, I've lived a good life."
Beautiful. That's how you end this. Many stories like this go until the very end when you die but this one allows the reader to imagine that. Which if you ask me, is much more impactful.
Overall I really loved this. My only criticism is the little grammar issues.
Keep living and writing!
MrytleJinn
Hello, Sebastian! This is a great story!
I do have some comments, if you don't mind the feedback though.
First, in the first paragraph, you use the word "though" a lot. It kind of distracts from the beauty of it. Maybe consider using a different word, like maybe saying "It still doesn't stop me from thinking about it."
Second, there are some sentences that could've flowed better. Like this one.
"I'd" would've sounded better, and made more sense.
Also, this quote,
I think "I would've charmed her." or "It would've charmed her." could be better in this instance.
Also, this one.
I think "He'd be named after the best rockstar ever." is what you meant.
Last, but not least, this one.
I think this sentence is a little wordy. Maybe you could use some different words to shorten the mowing part.
Other than those, this story is great!
Have a great day, and be safe!