Young Writers Society

Sorry to bother you, but... I'm... I need... I just need this review for the checklist challenge, I was just looking through some old stuff and-- I'm sure you understand-- please don't kill me.

What I Liked
I feel like the first verse was my favorite, followed by Verses 2, 3, and 4. No, that was not on purpose.

What I Disliked
Unlike the other verses, Verse 4 doesn't have a pair of rhyming lines, and that throws it off. I' also not fond of repeated choruses, but then again, you might be singing it in your head a lot better than I am.

In Summary
A good set of lyrics, but there's still room for improvement.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!

Scar!

I am so sorry to do this to you, but as @Omnom pointed out you are both an old YWSer and have works posted pre-2012, and I need lyrics for my checklist challenge, so here I am.

[Verse 1]
Sitting here, in this empty room
Wishing you were here, with me
Wanting you there, beside me
And knowing that you can't be

You are, you are all in my
imagination (imagination)
You will, you will forever be
haunting me (haunting me)
You are, you are all in my
imagination (imagination)
And I know,
that you can't be real

[Verse 2]
The silence in this empty house
Tends to have a bit of bite
I wish you weren't so far away
'Cause now I can't sleep at night

[Verse 3]
It's kind of peaceful now
The silence doesn't bite,
Doesn't drive me up the walls
Oh, I must be a terrible sight

[Chorus 2]
You were, all in my, in my
imagination (imagination)
You were always there, always there
haunting me (haunting me)
But no, you were all in my, in my
imagination (imagination)
And I know it now, that this,
that this was never real (never real)

[Verse 4]
And now, I'm on the edge again
Looking down into the Abyss
You were always good to me
But now it's time to fall

This is awesome, no doubt about that. I can totally hear it in my mind, and it sounds great - of cose that is only what I imagine, I'm sure your version of it is much better

- Really great and deep

Hello there.

I really like this. I have a soft spot for lyrics and these were really good.

I like these dark, and you could even say morbid lyrics. I could imagine a band like Evanescence playing this

I would suggest, however taking the out the repeats of the words. For example

"You are, you are all in my
imagination (imagination)
You will, you will forever be
haunting me (haunting me)"

It just feels a bit generic.

Besides that good job.

i really like hese lyrics as they show some feeling but also it shows mystery in the words as you dont know who they are singing about which gets people thinking

don't get stuck in imagination. he or she needs to be in your reality. I just rhymed put that in there.

Thank you all for the reviews. I love it when people review my works! ^^

I noticed a few questions... So, I'll answer then. Yes, verse 4 not ryhming in intentional. And yes, I should probably try to work on making the verses longer. And sorry, Mazzi. I wasn't even thinking about the prayer-thing when I wrote this. Never came to mind, so no, it was never meant to be like that. Both Chorus One and Chorus Two are meant to just be catchy, you see what I was aiming for now? Though, I suppose I can cut out some repepititions? Also, as you can see, (can't be real) has been removed. I re-read it and sung it out, and that didn't seem to fit, so it's gone.

And I apologize for the lack of music, but you see, I live in a house that hasn't got a single musical instrument (unless you count a recorder, like the one's you used to play in music class at school (and I don't really count those anyway)). Yep. You read that right. No. Musical. Instruments. At. All. Sad, isn't it? And honestly, if I did have a piano or a guitar, I would have tried anyway, even if my singing isn't very good. So, I apologize for the whole no-music thing.

Thanks again everyone for reviewing this! I'm going to take some of your suggestions into account and hopefully expand on the verses. But that will have to wait. It's, like, 5am and I need to sleep. So, goodnight!

~Scar.

Scarli, hi! So, um, I think that this is the first time I've ever reviewed anything by you in my entire life, so let's see here. xD

First of all, I can do poetry - but lyrics are a whole other story. For two things that are so similar, you'd think lyrics would be easy for me, too. Well. I think it has something to do with the fact that I need to hear them sung and accompanied by the proper music to really get the feel of it.

So, overall, I really, really like this. I do agree though, that the chorus seemed just a tad long in contrast to the verses? I dont' know. Length is good, but it seemed like a bit too much. xD Then again, I won't know until I've heard the song played to music. I might completely change my mind then.

So really, I don't have any major nit-picks about this. xD

Peace out and keep writing!

~~Ishilove

So, I'll review Scar, I can't say it'll be good though.

First off. BRILLIANT! ABSOLUTLEY BRILLIANT! This is one of the first lyric songs I could actually sing in my head! Congrats! But the amount of Choruses put me off, it sounded like a prayer by the end of the song *Macho man mode* and I don't like prayers. -.-

As for nitpicking, I have none. I have none. I have none? Ah well, I always didn't like been a nitty nitpicker anyway, I like it the way it is. Also I'd love to rip it too shreds, but I left my wolverine claws at home! D-:

Overall a very good peice of work worth a good sing song. Even if it's singing in an assembly, jokes. (Not sure if you had to sing prayers in primary/junior school.) So, Happy Review day and I hope this will be good enough. Also congrats for been top this very moment on the Review Day leaderboard.

*fires up chainsaw*
Hy!
First of all , yeah , it did sound like a song. And without background music, you cannot really review lyrics to the max, but the Paramore song I listened to helped a little.
First of all , I think that the choruses are too long in comparison to the verses. Maybe switch the length of them? Make verses longer than choruses? I think that could help.
I think that the verses really express emotions, they are really well written, and the repetitions in the chorus really do well. ( I could hear the vocals in the back singing those )
Overall, a nice set of lyrics.
Me want music!
Good job.

Hi, Scar! It's been a while since I've reviewed these sorts of things, so we'll see if I have anything worthy to say. Or anything that even makes sense.

General impression, I thought it sounded like a song! It certainly flowed like one. Half the reason lyrics are so difficult to critique is that we don't get to hear the musical aspect, but I trust you'll take care of that. ;D

Is it a coinky-dink the last three lines in stanza one all rhyme? xD I'm not sure if I like that. If it works with the music though, I can handle it! (Seriously, sometimes it makes the difference with how you sing the words. For instance, when singing, if you don't emphasize the me in "beside me" so much, then it's okay, in my opinion.)

I feel like the biting metaphor you mention a couple times is forced? Like the first time it's mentioned, it was to fit the rhyme, then it was decided it would be cool to continue it like you meant to use that metaphor. I think if you built on that a bit more, it would make more sense. It may even beef up your lyrics, that umph you're looking for.

Verse four doesn't even have the ABCB rhyme scheme you had in the others. Not sure if that's intentional.

That's all I can think of. xD I think what I mentioned about the biting silence is all I had really to say that was worthy of a mention. If the singer elaborated more on why the silence was so tense to him/her, it might make this song not seem so... hollow? It just seems to be there as a compaint about someone not being there, but it doesn't exactly say why that's a bad thing. I'm not sure if that makes any sense of it it's worth thinking about. XD

Anyway. Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I really enjoyed reading this. It reminded me of a Paramore song. I loved the line "you will forever be haunting me ". The only thing I'd change about this song is that I'd like the verses to be a little longer. Great job.

Sitting here, in this empty room
Wishing you were here, with me

Wishing you were here, with me
Wanting you there, beside me

And I know,
that you can't be real (can't be real)

*refuses to tear lyrics to shreds*

1. I think there should be a comma after each line... that's just me being picky though
2.

ScarlettFire wrote:And I know,
that you can't be real (can't be real)

ScarlettFire wrote:The silence doesn't bite,