So. I got bored. This is what happens when Scarli gets bored. also, I am iffy with, like, the last third of this. I think there's a couple of verses that could be removed. What do you guys think?
Bloody Revolution
I can show you a thousand dreams;
all your hopes and despairs,
[A bloody revolution, an imperfect absolution--]
All your darkest desires, your twisted fears,
[A deformed evolution, the wrong solution--]
My promise is ever-present, bright as the endless stars;
Twisted like the darkness beyond your doors,
a blight towards your cause
Dare you ask it of me?
Dare you risk the future of your world?
Welcome to my bloody revolution
Welcome to my imperfect absolution
Say hello to my deformed evolution
Say hello to the wrong solution
There's no time to waste, the light is fading;
the darkness grows,
Do you trust in my new solution?
The one that'll close all you doors?
Do you trust the hand I offer?
Will you trust me when all else falls?
I will show you fear in the lightest places--
Don't turn out the lights,
The darkness grows
And with it comes your deepest fears,
With it comes all your darkest nightmares--
My promises are ever-present, bright as the endless stars;
Twisted like the darkness beyond your doors,
a blight towards your cause
Dare you ask the toughest questions, knowing it might reveal you darkest secrets?
Dare you take the largest risks, knowing full well that you'll fall?
Welcome to my bloody revolution
Welcome to my imperfect absolution
Say hello to my deformed evolution
Say hello to the wrong solution
[The one that'll close all your doors]
There's no time to waste, the light has fallen;
the darkness has overthrown
Do you trust in my new solution?
The one that'll close all you doors?
Do you trust the hand I offer?
Will you trust me when all else falls?
I'll show you how all else ends,
With a handful of dust
and a whispered word
Won't you trust me when all else fails?
Won't you trust me to save your cause?
My promises will always be there, bright as the endless stars;
Twisted like the darkness beyond your doors,
a blight towards your cause
Are you sure you want my revolution?
Are you sure you want my absolution?
Are you sure you want my evolution?
What about my new solution?
The one that'll close all your doors?
There's no time to waste, the light is rising;
the darkness fades
Don't you trust in my new solution?
The one that'll close all you doors?
Don't you trust the hand I offer?
Won't you trust me when all else falls?
Don't you want my bloody revolution?
The one where it all falls?
Don't you want my imperfect absolution?
The one where all else fails?
Don't you want my deformed evolution?
The one where I twist your desires?
Don't you want the wrong solution?
The one that'll close all your doors?
There's no time to waste, the light has risen;
the darkness is gone
Don't you trust in my new solution?
The one that'll close all your doors?
Don't you trust the hand I offer?
Won't you trust me when all else falls?
Welcome to my revolution
Welcome to my absolution
Say hello to my evolution
Say hello to my solution
This was all an illusion,
A vision made to send you off course
This was all your delusion,
A vision sent to throw off the balance
Promise me you'll take my hand
Promise me you'll support my cause
Trust me; it'll bring about your demise
Trust me, it's worth the price
Welcome to my bloody revolution
[The one where everything falls]
Welcome to my imperfect absolution
[The one where all else fails]
Say hello to my deformed evolution
[The one with all your twisted desires]
Say hello to the wrong solution
[The one that closed all your doors]
Trust me, it's my revolution
Trust me, it's my absolution
I promise you this is the biggest prize
I promise you it's worth the price
Trust me, this is evolution
Trust me, this is the solution
I promise this is the best surprise
I promise that it's worth the price
It's your greatest moments
And all your failures
Combined as one
Trust me when it all falls
[This is my bloody revolution]
Trust me when all else fails
[This is my imperfect absolution]
Trust me with your dark desires
[This is my deformed evolution]
Trust me with the keys to all your doors
[This is the wrong solution]
It's locked away your cause
[Trust me, this was our twisted decision]
And it’s your greatest moments,
all your biggest mistakes
Combined as one
Welcome to my bloody revolution
[Will you stand and watch as it falls?]
Trust me, it's worth the price
The spacing between my lines is driving me nuts but I can't be bothered shift-entering it all. Takes forever. My verse breaks were gone. shift-entering works to fix that. still annoying, though x.x *really wouldn't mind a paragraph/spacing option here*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Catchy lyrics - mouthy too, I found it difficult to place a tune but really, wonderful literacy - English. Your vocab is vast and it's obvious what sort of tune should be fixed up with a song like this. I'm delighted at such the creation, Well Done.
The song is however, long, impressive, wordy, good English.
No improvements needed here in my eyes, though that is up to you. Congratulations my friend!!
Hi there Scarlett! Niteowl here to review for the Green Lanterns this fine Review Day!
I think you could just do with repeating the chorus, or perhaps changing the repetitive parts more to fit the storyline.
Overall, this is really good. I like the speaker's conflicting statements between "Trust me" and "You're doomed". It also flows really nicely.
However, I agree with Hannah that it's a bit long. It might be different with music, but then again, I'm one of those people who changes the radio station every 10 seconds, so maybe not.
I think "on" is more grammatically correct and would sound better than "towards"
This bit felt a little too prose-y to me. I think it would sound better in the command form, e.g. "Ask the tough questions and reveal your darkest secrets/Take risks and know you'll fall".
Overall, this is great, but I'd streamline it more. Keep writing!
I know it was long. Hence the edited version. Thanks for the review!
Sorry I didn't see the edited version until later! I would've reviewed it as well but my comments were mostly the same minus the length.
Okay! Hey, Scarli.
So at the beginning, I was really pleased with the character and situation you were dreaming up. I mean, lots of time a well-meaning person will ask permission and give warning, but this situation is darker. It's someone who recognizes their darkness and maybe "bad"ness and still asks with the hope that the listener will accept, because of course there's always a little bit of reason in the darkness.
The first thing I noticed was this:
It felt out of place to me so early in the poem (and maybe in the poem at all) because up to that point, the poem had just been on person speaking to another about themselves, but suddenly there is an ENTIRE EPIC SCALE we have to reconcile with. In this version, it doesn't look like it's really explored any more than that either, so it might be safe to just cut it out?
Now, the poem -- SORRY cut all mentions of poem, and replace lyrics -- definitely feel too long. I think I started skimming through after "there's no time to waste" was repeated. I guess it would obviously feel different with music, but just reading through it, it feels like there's too much repetition of too many parts. Like, if the chorus is repeated, I understand, but there seems to be other parts also repeated?? And after a while the words all start to sound the same, so I lose the will to try to follow the narrative. That's what the repetition hurts most: the narrative movement. If we keep living the same emotions or moments over and over, we can't move forward and learn more about this situation. When we stop getting that new stimulation, we stop wanting to keep reading, know what I mean?
Your set of rhyming words is also a nice touch to keep in future iterations -- the stuff you have in the chorus. They're powerful, specific words that also work well with the dark theme. You definitely know the virtue of keeping words that stick with your theme, because they build that emotion even in the small parts! I would be careful of words that could sabotage that. Like he says at one point he's as bright as the stars? Without some kind of bleak imagery to subdue that, star light is usually romantic and positive!
Anyway, I hope this review is helpful to you!
Feel free to reply if you have any questions or comments.
Good luck!
I think this was perfect as it is. This is the first time I haven't had any criticisms about a piece of writing on this site! I think the length is just right, maybe take out one of the choruses, but other than that I love your style of writing and your imagery.
This is much better than most songs out in the world today, so I hope you keep writing lyrics