Hey Scar. Just dropping by to give you a review while I'm getting back in the swing of things.
I've started seeing more pieces on YWS relating to the quarantine and political issues at the moment. This set of lyrics is going a lot of places in a short amount of time, which does go back and forth in my favoritism. The outro is the part that sticks with me the most when you say:
look beyond your tv screens and out that window,
tell me what you see outside
It might have been good at this point to extend it a bit further to describe what the speaker is seeing when they look outside their window. Adding in the speaker's experiences/your experiences is a good way to connect to the audience listening/reading your piece.
As far as descriptions of the end of days go my only suggestion would be to try and sync this up to Revelation? That's a common theme that I see people compare quarantine with. I'm not sure if you want to play into the apocalypse angle or if you want to go more mellow with this approach. If you want to go more mellow or more hopeful for the future, there's plenty of ways to choose either of those directions as well.
On the technical side there are some rough points to this lyric set but that might just be its need to be worked out more. Such as when you get to the second chorus and say:
[chorus 2]
stop telling me it's truth when it's all
lies upon lies upon lies
and we're
keeping secrets behind our
doors
like nothing matters anymore
(anymore)
Splitting the first and second line here is not helping the flow at all. The main issue I see in this set of lyrics is the flow. It seems to be more of word vomit than a coherent song but with a bit of work it could make it into something clearer. I don't mind listening to songs that are just rants.
I'm not sure if you're looking for the feedback on the technical issues so if you want to hear more about that you can hit me up in DMs.
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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