z

Young Writers Society



The Evanescence of Bells

by passenger


The Oggalu family has lived atop Crestal Hill for as long as my memory can stretch. There's a window on the east wall of my bedroom that frames the peak of the incline where their house perches. The sun likes to take twice as long to come up because of it. It hides its bright self like a flaming coin in the pocket of the valley, lingering on the horizon. I bet their backyard is always afire in the mornings. I bet they draw the curtains during breakfast. I'd have to expect they feel blinded, and imagine their school-aged children molding darkness from fabric and shielding themselves from the sunrise.

I am content living in the looming shadow of such a monstrosity. It is harder for me to wake up at dawn, but easier for me to rest my eyes on the weekends. When my eyes do rush to open, I'm met with the sight of the Oggalu mansion, which is at times more intriguing than any vibrant phenomenon of nature.

The reasons behind this are unnamed, but at various times during the day, I see a man standing under the grove of willows to the right of the porch. He might've lived there, except I don't think that is the case. He lurks suspiciously around the property, head bent like those of the trees. From this distance--about five acres away--he looks to be in his early twenties. He doesn't wear a coat, even though the vegetation sports a permanent layer of frost at its tips, and there is only about a month left till the wintertime.

His cheeks are frost-bitten, and if I wake up early enough, I will catch him peering through the second-floor windows of the mansion from afar. He remains out of sight from the front door. There are a few familiar things about him, but I can't tell what they are.

I suppose I'll probably quit staring; Mother says it is rude, and it by no means helps with my emotional condition.

--

There's a flannel shirt tucked into his back jeans pocket. It's cross-hatched in a faded brick red and blue like the sky. It smells like lavender. He knows because it's the smell he can't rid himself of, no matter how hard he tries.

He lays in bed sometimes in the mornings, just to hear himself breathe. It makes a sound like a whistle in a bathroom stall, echoing and reverberating in his lungs like they're made of tin. Kind of an empty feeling. A horror movie flicka-flicking through the scope of his chest. Desiring some kind of accompaniment or voice by the bedside, or a few more lungs.

He gets up and mindlessly organizes the labeled boxes on the floor. He hasn't yet had the chance to put them away. Afterwards, he takes the ten minute jog to Briony Avenue. The air chills even the most warm-blooded of the town's inhabitants, but it doesn't bother him much. He is accustomed to the cold.

He stops by the place her mother insisted is hers. The strange thing is that it doesn't look like the house he imagined for her. The backyard is a vast pasture, and the house is naked and open-faced on the east. A broad cobblestone walkway sticks out from the porch. There is nowhere to hide if not for the trees, which line the front yard in miraculous abundance. He imagined her to live in a carnival funhouse, decorated with winding wraparounds and a fenced-in yard; dark and welcoming to adventurers.

The big house is admirable, nonetheless. At ten of 8 o'clock, a young girl gallops down the driveway to catch the school bus. The man has figured that this girl must be Her younger sister, though he'd never heard Her mention anything about siblings. The girl is bleary-eyed, with her hands embedded deep in jacket pockets. The man likes her immediately.

--

"Dragon Pearl or Pomegranate Oolong?" It is my mother's new favorite question, as those are the only two types of hot tea she keeps in the pantry.

"No tea today," I decide, mostly because my bedroom is stifling. Heat rushes up through the floor vent and clouds like steam in the craters of my ears. Unlike the mothers I've seen on television, mine does not prod nor insist, and instead leaves me alone. Her soles patter down the cherrywood steps as she leaves.

She has developed an adhesive habit of talking on the phone. She indulges in lengthy conversations about the Oggalus, which I find somewhat odd. She likes the prospect of describing their house. I must mention that we have never even met the Oggalus. The only one of them I have ever seen is the man who loiters in the yard, and I'm not certain that he is even related.

The man comes more often now. He has spent hours staring at the mansion and memorizing it like scripture. There is something so familiar about him. I still can't place it. I'm beginning to have vivid dreams about him, and it only occurs to me now that maybe they are memories. Each vision takes place on the same narrow street. We're riding in a car. I know the car is small in size, because we feel close to one another. When he turns to face me, his nose is rosy and his fingers play with the dials on the radio, static humming over the radiator. There is no music; I get the feeling that he doesn't like music. Instead, some type of podcast or commercial comes through the clunky speaker in jarring intonations.

I know there's a scar just underneath his navel, and I can almost feel the contours beneath my fingertips--though I am not touching him in the dream, nor can I see the scar. He starts to laugh suddenly, a barking cackle that stirs happiness in the pit of my chest, and I begin to smile. Then I am looking out the window. We pass a pizza joint with a convex window and then Rory's, a food store that I've seen before. We are approaching a red light. Suddenly, I have this burning desire to ask him a question, though I cannot find the words.

I turn to him, my lips parting, but it's then that the dream slips from my grasp.

I've had the dream twice in the past two days, which leads me to believe that it isn't a dream at all.

Yesterday, my mother caught me watching the man through the frame of the window. I asked her if she knew what he was doing on Crestal Hill. A plaintive and wistful expression crossed her face, and she told me again that staring is rude, and sardonically that she hopes the coma didn't eradicate my concept of manners.

--

The best time to cry is in the daytime, which the man has learned from a book he read. It's when the noise of the town grows to a joyful disquiet; submerging sounds of mourning in the mouth of a delta swarming with exchanged vernacular. The night is worse for many reasons. The moonlight is toxic to recovery, and the silence is only conducive to publicizing grief.

Instead, the man uses the pitch black of nighttime in other ways. He's had the same dream for three nights straight. The dream about the car; the car that isn't his own, the one which coasts through the intersection and hugs his headlights, bone-crushing and as if they are reunited at last, collateral damage spreading in glass spores and whiplash.

He supposes it would be fine, if he did not remember what happened before the collision. But he has seen everything, and he remembers everything. He does not feel as lucky as he should.

He's had raging stomachaches of late, and they twist and squirm beneath his diaphragm. Today it is worse. He peers through the windows of the upper floor of Her house. An onlooker would think he'd lost something, the way his eyes wander aimlessly.

He waits as he did the day before, wishing the curtains would be brushed aside and a familiar face would be looking through the glass. All he wants is a smile from her lips; some signal of recognition. All he wants is the girl he asked to marry him to remember his face.

Mustering strength, he ambles towards the oak front door, breeze piercing his cheeks. His breath leaves his mouth in thick smoke, curling towards the sky. Removing his hands from his pockets, his hand finds the routed wood of the door. There is a light on inside. He goes to knock.

She will not remember me, he thinks.

--

The man does not come anymore. There are no longer lean silhouettes plodding about on the Oggalu's front lawn. The last he appeared was two days ago, but he only stayed for a few moments. He embarked on his usual walk, shoes shuffling in the snow, what looked like a colored flag flying from his back pocket. The flag reminded me of a shirt I used to own. I searched for the shirt in my closet after I'd watched the man come and go, but to no avail. I must have lost it, though I do not remember how.

My mother has stopped talking on the phone. When I ask her about the Oggalus, she feigns confusion and pretends not to know what I'm talking about. "What about those people asking about the house on the hill?" I ask her.

"What, the Oggalu mansion?" She questions in return, and then waves her hand. "How should I know?"

Yesterday, I was filtering through my sock drawer for a pair of striped cabin socks I own, and something sliding towards the bottom corner of the drawer caught my eye. I reached down and wound up with a golden ring caught in the crook of my forefinger. There was a single diamond embellished on the front. I squinted at it and rotated it in my hand. I did not remember having owned such a piece of jewelry. I contemplated hiding it from Mother, but she caught me with it in the palm of my hand. She took it from me then, telling me it must have come off her finger when she was folding the laundry.

I didn't mind much. The ring isn't mine, anyway.

It's strange, but I think I miss the man who hid outside of the Oggalus. There is something about the dreams I had of him; something alluring and oddly nostalgic about his presence, even if all I ever saw of him was the shape of his body through the frame of my bedroom window. I do not know him, but there is still something very familiar about him. I think that if I see him again, I might slip outside, sidle to the edge of the property and try to strike up a conversation.

Upon further thought, I don't believe he'll be back. The settling of the shadows where the sun cannot reach bids goodbye to night every morning, just as the day before yesterday bid goodbye to the man.

Strangely, I am sad about this fact. Mother allows a lamenting sigh to escape her lips, says I will be fine, and asks me what type of tea I'd like to drink. After she exits the bedroom, I peer through the frame of the window, wishing there were more to see.


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Fri Sep 23, 2016 3:07 am
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thepapermonster says...



I believe I mostly have good things to say about this piece. It is rather sad, but not so much because there really is no reason for us to care about the man and woman at all. This is just a story about a pair of strangers who apparently knew each other before but tragedy broke them apart. The idea is nice though. If you applied it to an actual story with lovable characters I think it would sell. But maybe only if the strangers get back together in the end and you're Nicholas Sparks.
Anyway, I love the mystery and how it slowly unfolds. It was nicely done.
This may be my personal opinion but I would have liked it better if you set up a scene more in detail. I think the lack of detail is what caused the disconnect for me.
Why would fiancée who live right across the street from each other not get back together? Is there going to be more to this?




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Fri Sep 23, 2016 1:44 am
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Lefty wrote a review...



Hey, Savvy! Sorry this is a bit late, but alas! I have read it.

And it's so saaaad... I just want to give the guy a hug. Anyway, onto the review.

I actually thought this was quite good. I love the way the information of the story slowly unraveled and was revealed without actually coming right out and saying it. It was crafted in a very unique way, and I found that, throughout the story, I wanted to keep reading and keep reading so I could learn the story behind the characters and the dreams and what the truth behind it all was. It was very interesting and was a joy to read. :)

Onto a few nitpicks.

I bet their backyard is always afire in the mornings. I bet they draw the curtains during breakfast.

The "I bet" parts of the sentences seemed a bit repetitive. Maybe the second one could be changed slightly? Maybe something like: "They probably draw the curtains..."

He might've lived there, except I don't think that is the case.

The rest of the storybook is written in present tense, so I think this should be "he might live there" to stay consistent.

One thing I thought about was that the girl's age is never mentioned, so at times I was a little confused on how old she is, given that she lives with her mother. Now I know that she's probably in her twenties, but I had a little trouble picturing it at first. That is pretty much revealed, just like everything else is, so it's fine the way it is. But if you wanted to mention it, I think it would be pretty easy to slip it in. Maybe even when you mention that he looks like he's in his mid-twenties, you could say something like "like I am."

You mentioned that you thought the title needed work. I think the title is fine the way it is, but if you wanted to change it, maybe you could have it based on "tragedy" or "memory/forgotten" Like "Forgotten Memories" or "Dreams of You" or "Tragic Dreams, Forgotten Reality."

Otherwise, there isn't really anything I can think of to improve this. Every bit of information that I learned only made me want to learn more. You could really feel her curiosity and longing, and his torment of his lost love. It unraveled beautifully and was very well written. I wish I had more to critique, as I know that's what you were looking for, but without really digging deep to pick it apart, I can't think of much to add. I thought it was great.

Best of luck on your assignment!

-Lefty




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Thu Sep 22, 2016 10:42 pm
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Persistence wrote a review...



Okay. Here's the review, as promised. Hopefully it's of any help.

First I'll go through it one step at a time, and then I'll look at it as a whole. Let's get to it ^^

The opening sentence is good because it gives away some information about the world of the story. I've mentioned this for one of your other works, but it often is a good idea to start off with a name. You did that with the name of the family and the place they live in. Not to mention that it sounds good doing it. A+ for that. The second sentence harbours a very beautiful description which I haven't seen before: the window resembles a picture on the wall. Definitely keep that. The personification of the Sun is also a nice touch. "Molding darkness from fabric" this is just wow. Don't change this. This first paragraph is great. It's a good opener, and it does its job well. Your writing style is instantly evident, and it's a bit more poetic at most times, but not overly so, leaving you with solid descriptions embedded in your writing.

In the second paragraph, I would suggest making the first "it is" a contraction. I think this would fit the general feel of it better in the position it's at. Or, you could also italicise the "is", implying that although she doesn't mind the house's shadow, she has a minor issue with it. Just a little detail, but I'm going into as much of that as I can ^^

I'd like to briefly comment on the name Oggalu. Does it mean anything in particular? If not, maybe you could use a name that means something for the story. It's usually a nice touch when writers do something like that. If you ever find yourself in need of names, check out behindthename.com and select to search names by meaning. Just a little helpful tool I've used on a number of occasions.

Next I feel like the first sentence in the third paragraph could be shortened to something like "At various times during the day, and for unnamed reasons, I see a man..."

"He might've lived there, except I don't think that is the case." Here I think it would sound a tad better if you said "...except I don't think that he does".

"Head bent like those of the trees" this sounds a bit weird to me. Of course, it's perfectly clear that you're trying to say that his head is bent like the branches of the willows, but the wording here is off, I think. Maybe something along the lines of "head bent like a branch on those trees", or maybe "head hanging like a flexed willow branch" would sound a bit better?

Are you sure the guy's cheeks are frostbitten? Fostbite looks pretty nasty, and I imagne the girl would have more to say about that if they really are.

"He lays in bed sometimes in the mornings." This should be "lies in bed"; "lays" is a transitive verb, and it means that you set something down and in a lying position. Also, "a few more lungs" next to him in bed isn't very specific. Unless the girl has multiple lung, or the guy wants to sleep with more than one person at the same time, I would suggest that you change the "few more" to "a couple", or "a pair".

"He stopped by the place her mother insisted is hers." This got me confused as I was reading it again just now. The mother hides the truth from her daughter in the end with the ring, but she tells the guy where to find the girl? That's a bit contradictory if you ask me. If she didn't want her to have anything to do with the guy, why give him the address? And if she did, why hide the truth from the girl? Just something worth mentioning, I believe.

If it's for an English assignment, I would suggest keeping numbers strictly written in words rather than digits. This shows that you put more time into it, which is always a good thing.

I simply don't see the point in the girl's sister. Why does she make an appearance, and what is her significance to the story? Maybe the guy could give a short anecdote, or something. But really and to be perfectly honest, I think you either need to add a reason why the sister appears, or get rid of that part entirely.

It's a pretty neat touch that both of them have the same dream (well, memory, but in dream form). "glass spores" is an amazing description that says a lot with just two words! I'm very impressed with this.

"He has raging stomach aches" this confirms that the girl's dreams are actual memories and any doubt is put to rest here. The capitalization of "H" in "Her" is an excellent idea. This immediately shows that she is something special, or even sacred to him.

"Removing his hands from his pockets, his hand finds the routed wood of the door" here I think you could easily replace the second "hand" with "fist", or "knuckles" to avoid using the word "hand" twice in such a short time.

The thing with the shirt is a good part. Turns out he carries her shirt pretty often, presumably to remind himself of her. Though, since it's a "flag", I got the impression that the shirt has been cut across, maybe when the girl was operated on after the accident, and the doctors cut it open with scissors so they can get to her body more easily. And then he kept it because it's her last article of clothing from when she remembered him. Is that what you had in mind when you wrote it?

Right there at the end you say "the settling of the shadows where the sun cannot reach bids goodbye to night every morning, just as the day before bid goodbye to the man". Here I was thinking that you could leave out the part where you say "just as.." and focus on the shadow bidding goodbye to the night. Or perhaps something else that bids goodbye to another thing, or a few things that do just that. That way you'll introduce a connection between your descriptions (which are always so beautiful, by the way) and the leaving of the man. Or you could even overstate it, maybe by saying that the night leaves every morning without saying goodbye? It's not that it doesn't work the way it is, it's just that you could have a connection without actually saying that you do. Just something I think is worth looking into.

I personally think you could have a bit of a stronger end, which is why I suggested that thing in the previous paragraph. I suggest that you rewrite that final paragraph. Maybe use something that's been said already, such as the tea thing. Maybe you could use that in a final sentence implying that (because tea should be the least of a person worries about) life goes on, as we keep on doing the simple things we do normally, when her mother asks her what kind o tea she wants.

All of this being said, the characters are pretty well-written, the setting is well-laid-out, and the conflict is obvious, yet somewhat open to interpretation. The plot is a tiny bit wanting, because there aren't many thngs that actually happen in the story, but everything is well portrayed and spaced out, making up for any of it. I like the alternating PoVs, and they're neither overdone, nor are they used so infrequently that they're insignificant.

As for the message I got out of this story: what I took away from it was "we're all human, after all. We can stop loving a person just as easily as forgetting about them." or something like that.

I'd like to apologize if any of my points make a disagreeable amount of sense. In such a case, please ask me again about them. I'm just pretty tired at the moment and I've probably made some mistakes in expressing myself.

I know it seems like I've praised your story a lot, but really, there's not much critique it can actually receive. I say this looking at it as realistically and objectively as possible. You have stunning descriptions, great pacing, there is a genuine sense of mystery at times, which propels the reader forward. So, you can look at this review as motivational, I guess? To keep your confidence up as it should be. This is really good, and the fact that it's only a rough draft for you is pretty amazing. It's really good as it already is. So, keep writing, and keep writing like this, and I hope you ace that assignment.

Also, for a title, what do you say to "Grove of Willows"? It doesn't reveal anything about the story, but it does relate to it, and it sounds dark and mysterious, and it's pretty cool. Anyway, just one suggestion.

If I failed to touch on something, please let me know. I've tried to address as many points as possible, but if I've missed anything, or if there's an opinion you'd ask about something I didn't talk about, call me out on it, and I'll rectify that asap.

I hope this review was helpful. Have a wonderful day!




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Thu Sep 22, 2016 5:08 am
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Persistence says...



Hey!

You said this was a rough draft, but really it's got a lot more going for it than you let on. Let me know if the time you come back from school is too late for the review, and I'll write it on phone. But I want to dedicate nore time and attention to it, so I hope it's okay if it waits till then.

I definitely have things to comment on, as well as title ideas. For now I just wanna say that this story is very good, and your descriptions are like they're from a dream, or a wishful vision perhaps. I'd like to talk to you about them sometime.

Anyway, expect a review. I'll try to go in as great detail as possible. If you have time to write at school, feel free to message me for instant feedback.




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Thu Sep 22, 2016 3:17 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



I'm here because you asked for help. :) I'll just jot anything I find as I read instead of following an actual reviewing structure.

It is harder for me to wake up at dawn, but easier for me to rest my eyes on the weekends.
The 'for me' is a little repetitive. You could just get rid of the second one completely.

The reasons behind this are unnamed, but at various times during the day, I see a man standing under the grove of willows to the right of the porch. He might've lived there, except I don't think that is the case.
You're usually in present tense, and 'might've' sounds too much like past tense.

You use such a beautiful, formal tone for your narration.

At ten of 8 o'clock, a young girl gallops down the driveway to catch the school bus.
Ten, then 8. It's best to either use actual numbers, or their word forms, but not both.

"Dragon Pearl or Pomegranate Oolong?" It is my mother's new favorite question, as those are the only two types of hot tea she keeps in the pantry.
Oolong, please! Always the Oolong. :P

The only one of them I have ever seen is the man who loiters in the yard, and I'm not certain that he is even related. / The man comes more often now. He has spent hours staring at the mansion and memorizing it like scripture.
You need something to separate these two scenes, the transition isn't quite obvious enough.

t's when the noise of the town grows to a joyful disquiet; submerging sounds of mourning in the mouth of a delta swarming with exchanged vernacular.
Fancy! I love phrases like these.

Mother allows a lamenting sigh to escape her lips, says I will be fine, and asks me what type of tea I'd like to drink.
The tea... this is a good type of repetition.

She's the spitting image of her mother when she was younger, right? It's a lovely story, and the mysteries unravelled at just the right pace. I think it's pretty well polished, apart from the few nitpicks I pointed out. I hope you get a good grade, you deserve it!




passenger says...


Ooh this is exactly what I needed, thank you



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Thu Sep 22, 2016 12:35 am
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mmbmio wrote a review...



I loved this story! I know you're saying this a rough draft but I thought it was really well written and heartbreaking. Thank you for writing it!

Now, my few pieces of advice. First, I think you should go over it once more for grammar because I saw some little mistakes but nothing too big. Lastly, I was a little confused at the beginning but now that I'm looking it over, I think you were just making it poetic.

Well done! This was a great read and I think your English teacher will be very happy with this. I do have one more question, you said something about having to write this from insiration from a song. If so, what song?

keep writing,
M




passenger says...


Hello! You said their were a few minor mistakes. My intention is to improve this, so if you have the time, would you mind pointing out which mistakes I made?

The song I based the story on (though quite loosely) is "We Won't" by Jaymes Young.

Thanks for the review :)



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Wed Sep 21, 2016 10:19 pm
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Charm says...



SERIOUSLY SAV STOP SLAYING MY EXISTENCE




passenger says...


haha, you're sweet <3 but this is just a rough draft, it could use loads of improvement. :P



Charm says...


mmmkay sure




The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices; to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicions can destroy. A thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own.
— Rod Serling, Twilight Zone