z

Young Writers Society



Wherein the Heart Stops Beating

by passenger


    The German Shepherd lets his paws collapse beneath his flank, his whine murmuring in the spring air. It's five past six o'clock on a Saturday, and thus, anyone lingering on the street corner witnesses Old Gray sweeping the sidewalk adjacent to the farmers market. The bristles of his broom pick up dirt like confession, and the middle-aged restaurant owner feels his eyes lose their focus in the shadows cast by the roadside lamp. There are cars that pass sometimes, and he lets himself count them. He only counts till ten; he figures any more would drive him nuts. Dog sure looks like he's waiting, Gray thinks, God knows what he's waiting for.

    Before that, a dog hunches under the awning of the small building at the back of Petrelli's. Some antique store. The dog barks all night. He howls like a flippant teakettle. An old man pokes his head out the door, wishing the dog would stop. He can't stand the sound.

    Before that, Mother chops red onions by the sink, tears pooling on her cheeks. She knows she shouldn't have made the meatloaf. Patsy Cline is playing on the radio. In a sudden outburst, she explodes into an exhale, shoving the vegetables onto the floor. "I thought we were having meatloaf," David claims over cereal. Mother tells him it was rotten.

    Before that, David's brothers wonder why they have to wear black. The guests in the parlor try to drown their own whispers in tea. A dog barks out in the rain, staring through the pane of the glass door. When the children try to let him in, he turns his head and bolts.

    Before that, there's a lecture at the city college. A young man sporting a cowlick spews about his job, bright-eyed and collar-unbuttoned and happy just to be working. He says something nobody will ever remember; something about the way the trains run in the mornings, something about the subway station. The crowd shuffles and smiles because it's all nice. Then he gets white in the face. Something hammers in his chest, and he stumbles to the ground. He doesn't know what hit him.

    Before that, the man kneels in front of David, slinging an arm around his back. "Wish me luck," he says into his ear, and then "Take care of Riley!" So David feeds the dog after the Jeep recedes from the driveway. He hopes Daddy will be proud.

    Before that, a young husband kisses his wife on the cheek and takes the lunch she's prepared for him. He parts the bag with his fingers and smells its contents. Meatloaf. It's his favorite. He can't believe she remembered.

    The man hauls garbage bags to the dump nearby, dog following closely in his footsteps. On the way back home, they stop at the antique shop. They always do. There's a wistful feeling lingering in the breeze. After the man chooses a gift for his wife and places it on the countertop, he leans down and ruffles Riley's ears. "Big day today, champ," he mutters, not to himself, "I hope it turns out nice enough."

    Before that, the city wakes to the thrums of its own heartbeat.


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9 Reviews


Points: 872
Reviews: 9

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Sat Sep 10, 2016 6:00 pm
MrSelfridge wrote a review...



Mr. Selfridge is speechless!

I think perhaps I will fill this review with gaping questions. SPOILERS! Being the uncertain blob of fish fat that I am, I must ask: does poor little David's dad die?! More importantly: why is poor Riley running loose barking around town? I am also supposing that the man with the cowlick is David's dad. I too have a cowlick. Hope I don't die after eating my wife's meatloaf!

You did a great job connecting each sequence, without connecting it too much. Can't make things too easy for the audience!

A great read, fellow bro/sis. It turned the gears of Selfridge's mind.

Keep on doin the do and doin you!




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Fri Sep 09, 2016 9:52 pm
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TheSilverFox wrote a review...



;-;

Wow...wow. That was a heartbreaking story, Savvy. You did a simply amazing job carrying the core emotions in this piece from start to finish, while being daring enough to communicate it in reverse chronological order. And, you know what? It works. You surprised me in a million different ways, and I'm actually crying at the end of it; you throw in enough of a mystery that it leaves me willing to read more. The dog, the meatloaf - it seemed a little strange, but made me curious enough to go further, such that I read further and watched as you combined everything into a cohesive, and vividly tragic, narrative. Your sense of repetition, particularly as the beginning of each paragraph, helps emphasize the story further and further, adding to its somber mood, which gradually becomes even more dismal as the happy events at the beginning of the story's sense of time come into play. It's just...really hard to describe my emotions, because wow, that was a whirlwind of a story and I still don't exactly know how to react.

I'd also like to praise you for the way that you pack so much detail within short descriptions. Your characters come alive, and fairly clearly, through the way you craft the emotions and feelings of each scene in only a couple of sentences. In this fashion, I can see the pain and suffering in the mother, now a widow, as she struggles to come to terms with what has happened. I can see the dog as he returns to his past haunt where he'd come with the father, and the children as they were black in front of the coffin, and seems to moan and weep in front of the eyesight of many. And, of course, the father's expression of horror as he suffers what seems to be a heart attack. I could say more, but that probably wouldn't do it justice, especially when you throw in the heavy irony of the father's thoughts at the beginning of the day, and his own hopes and dreams. Personally, I think you could simply end the story at that, as it seems disconnected from the final line. That, I imagine, could provide a final blow of irony that would stun your readers.

But wow, that was a beautiful story. Solid, powerful, evocative, and well-written. I'd like to comment that your shift from the dog to the restaurant owner provided a bit of a confusing sentence, given that both were described as "he," but that's about it. I enjoyed reading this from start to finish, and the kind of an emotional response that you garnered from me is wonderful. Well done!




passenger says...


Thank you so much.




Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain