z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

The Keeper of Eyeteeth

by passenger


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Clarence Clyde was a father, first and foremost. Hence, when he caught sight of the blanket draped astray from the stark mattress of his son Bennet's bed, he nearly suffered a stalling of his heart. A mere minute ago, Clyde had begun his ascent up the stairs to keep a closer eye on his ailing son; Bennet's recurring coughing episodes had been fluctuating of late, and Clyde wanted to make sure he was soundly asleep. He'd crept up softly with an occasional misstep, yielding petulant moans from the hardwood. He poked his head inside the door, and saw it; the window held agape and the wind blustering through the mouth of the wall. Eyes widening, Clyde dashed to the opposite end of the room, bracing the windowsill. "Bennet!" he hissed, "Bennet!", but his son had either left or been taken.

Fearing which, Clyde scrambled down the stairs with little grace or regard for reverence. He checked the bathroom, and left tables upturned in the sitting room. Bennet was nowhere to be found.

It was late at night. Clyde thrust open the sliding glass door. Crickets tapped at the pane like a rusted faucet. It was the middle of autumn. An empty gust whisked past his ears. An eerie quiet hung suspended in the pitch-black of nighttime, the most obscure rustle causing a rift in the calm.

The door slammed shut once again, as the lawn was barren, and had sent the man's shoulders in a wrack of shivers. Clyde tore through the house, neck craned. He was tortured by the thought that Bennet may have fled. He wondered whether he'd driven him away. Bennet was ten. He hadn't spoken since the night he stood outside, cloaked in fire blankets, watching awe-struck as flames licked his mother's body to an ashpile. From this, Clyde derived the confidence that Bennet would never touch a cigarette, but there was nothing to stop the boy from running.

Bennet had been both sick and mute for years. They were in and out of the doctor's office every other week. Mostly, it was the terrible cough, and once for a small incident when Bennet swallowed a few of his teeth. He lost three of them in the midst of sleep and they bumbled down his esophagus. Clyde had been worried they'd puncture a vessel. He wasn't very familiar with medical things.

Clyde fought a fleeting feeling of inadequacy and groped for the phone, but it wasn't on the counter where he'd left it. Clyde flicked the light switch, but the most the lamp would offer was a furtive blink until the fuse burnt. Clyde's heart gave a panicked flutter; his son was missing and he couldn’t so much as locate the phone to report him.

"Bennet!" he hollered, his stomach roiling. He barked the boy's name again, only to be silenced by a dubious ripping sound coming from the den. It was a tear--almost a squelch--and it pervaded as if the house had been woken from resting. Hesitantly, Clyde snuck towards his den. The ripping persisted until he stepped over the threshold, whereafter there was a pause in the mounting disquiet. Clyde's knee buckled, and his breath hitched. "Don't be afraid," he called into the room as he entered. His voice held an unnatural tremor. "It's just Daddy."

There must have been a power outage, because he couldn't work the lights. The first thing Clyde noticed was the mess of papers fanned about the floor. Loose-leaf drifted to the ground. A mere fifteen minutes ago, it had been stacked neatly in piles on his desk. Abruptly, the noise met his ears again, and he rushed to the bookshelf. He muttered something about the damned behemoth squirrels--as the local Pest Control had put it--living underneath the floorboards. The ones nobody could seem to do anything about.

Something caught in his periphery; a shadow seemed to both slink and sprint to the door. It was a cockeyed run, and the figure almost evaded his eye. Clyde staggered in pursuit for several steps. "Bennet?" he asked, his voice loud and aloof. He cursed under his breath and fumbled for the LED in his desk drawer. He turned on the flashlight.

The light bobbled, and there was something on the floor in his path. Clyde bent at the waist and shone the light towards the object. He took it into his palm; it was slippery and the size of a small bead. Suddenly, he cried out in surprise, letting it chink to the floor. It was coated in blood. A tooth, from the looks of it.

Somebody had to be fooling with him. Clyde was convinced. His heart hammered in his chest; thumping against his rib cage. Somebody had stolen his son, and now they were having a laugh. Clarence Clyde was furious. Above all, he was helpless, and the knowing sank deeply beneath the stoic mask of his aging face.

The night was quiet again as he stepped from the room. Clyde's breaths quivered. He tiptoed up the stairs as he had before, as if to prevent against stirring something awake. Upon reaching the top of the staircase, he saw something disappear around the corner. "Stop right there!" he bellowed, clambering to the top.

Almost immediately, he lay his eye upon the closet door, which was suddenly being knocked against from the inside, nearly busting off its hinges. There was a high-pitched wail like that of a trapped animal, yearning to be set free. Clyde made a mad dash to the closet. He was crying. His hands gripped the doorknobs and tried to shake open the doors, but to no avail.

At last, the clamor ceased and the doors flew open. There was a scattering of teeth upon the floor, but the closet was otherwise empty. A thick layer of blood smeared like putty across the floorboards. Fear coursed through Clyde's veins; he had heard stories of a girl in Canada whose body had been possessed by the demon Belial, and of the girl in Natal whose soul was claimed by Satan. They weren't true, of course, but the man's mind raced with the possibility.

He staggered into Bennet's bedroom. He shook, feet lead-weighted and dragging. His eyes were pink, skin ruddy and back riddled with knots. His son was weak-armed, but his own shoulder blades were bound by a tense unease. Raising a son alone was the most difficult thing he'd ever had to do; one he hadn't prepared for after the tragic death of his wife. Clyde was at the open window in an instant. Entranced in a head fog, he peered into the mouth of the night; up and down and up and down. The bugs chirped incessantly; a reminder of the silence, the sky arching into the hills and the mountains into the mammatus. It was disorienting, and disturbingly circular. Clyde was hypnotized with terror.

And then he could feel something at his back; something cold or perhaps an echo.

Rigidly, he turned. A silhouette leaned in the doorway to the bedroom. It was Bennet; Clyde could see the outline of his son's string-bean body. His head was cocked awkwardly to the right, as if his neck was broken. "It's just Daddy," Clyde whispered. Slowly, he rose his light.

It landed on a face. To whom it belonged was nearly indeterminable. Its mouth hung agape, lips clotting with thick black blood; chipped teeth barely attached at the gums; eyes rolled into their sockets. Clyde's heart lurched, body following in a rush of adrenaline. With a cry, he lifted himself out the window and tumbled to the ground. A sharp pain seized his calf as his leg was pinned beneath him. He stumbled to his feet, limping towards his toolshed. He unclasped the keys from his belt and blindly fumbled with the lock in the dark.

Clyde's breaths were labored, and he nearly choked on his own throat as he flung open the doors of his gun cabinet. Clarence Clyde was a father, first and foremost, and thus removed the rifle from its hook. He ensured it was loaded and then cocked the barrel. His face was washed out with tears. He heard the wind whistling over the lawn. The door to the shed rattled.

It opened.

"Daddy's sorry," Clyde stammered, laying his finger to the trigger.


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107 Reviews


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Sat Nov 19, 2016 3:10 pm
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Persistence says...



Hey

I was going to write a review at first, but since we already discussed major points from the story, there's not much to add without repeating stuff, so I'll just not mark this as a review.

Firstly, your grammar's good. I remember when in your previous work you would use past perfect in places where there should have been other tenses, just because it sounded better to you. You've come a long way. It's been a joy watching you improve, and it's been great to be surprised time and time again by what you can do. I can't wait to see what else you have in store, and what you'll do in the future.

But I feel like I didn't express myself properly about the symbols thing. So, what I wanted to say was that I think you should add a few more symbols, not because it would make it less ambiguous, but because when a reader rereads it, they would find new things about it to be impressed with. Like, add little things to suggest that the father was neglectful, while making it seem (on the first read) that he is a good father for being so worried about his kid.

Also, I forgot to say that the part where you mentioned possessions was the only thing I didn't like about it, but it got overshadowed by the other things we talked about, so it slipped my mind to mention it. It feels like I have to go into detail as to why, plus I need your thoughts on it, so later I'll message you about it.

Other than that, and I think I mentioned this, but in my opinion you should extend the last scene to the point where the dad kills the kid and feels relieved by it. But this isn't that big of a deal.

I was thinking about this story last night, but if I think this is pretty much it. If I have anything more to say I'll let you know by tomorrow (you said you needed feedback by the 22nd, right?)




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Fri Nov 18, 2016 3:18 am
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Hattable wrote a review...



Hi, Savvyy
Here as promised, and I must say, your vocabulary and use of words in this is incredible and, not to offend, surprising.
I supposed I'll just jump in.

When Clyde opened the sliding glass door, you wrote:

The crickets tapped at the pane like a rusted faucet.

but “the” feels kind of... odd? I feel like removing it and just starting the sentence with “Crickets” might work better. Saying “the” seems like you'd mentioned them before, but you hadn't (unless I'm seriously oblivious >> ).
Another thing; the part about Bennet having swallowed his teeth at one point doesn't seem really necessary. It kind of pulled me out of the story's suspense and Clyde's frantic behavior. I'd recommending removing the elaboration on the teeth event, but leaving –
and once for a small incident when Bennet swallowed a few of his teeth.

– should definitely be fine.

It was a tear; almost a squelch; and it pervaded as if the house had been woken from resting.

The semicolons... I'm not sure about the semicolons. I think they're fine? But I feel like dashes in their place might work better. Though, I've understood semicolons to be used when two sentences can go together but a comma would mess up the flow, so here they kind of don't work in that sense, but I'm sure they're fine if you'd prefer to keep them.
Hesitantly, Clyde snuck towards his den.

*yay someone else who uses “snuck”* My spellcheck always says it's not a word >>>
The ripping persisted until he stepped over the threshold, whereafter there was a pause in the sudden disquiet.

Disquiet means “a feeling of anxiety or worry”, right? (According to Google it does, at least). Personally I've felt anxiety and worry from Clyde since the beginning, so sudden disquiet, maybe not. “Rising disquiet”? “Growing disquiet”? It isn't a required change, but it might help to think of switching that around a bit? Just suggestions, though ^^

The light bobbled, and there was something on the floor; right there in front of him.

This seems like another instance of unnecessary semicolon, but I'm not sure. Just thought I'd point it out in case you want to reconsider it.

It was coated in blood. A tooth, from the looks of it.

Ohh, the tooth bit makes more sense, now. >>>
He tiptoed up the stairs as he had before, as if to prevent against stirring something awake. As he reached the top of the staircase, he saw something disappear around the corner.

These couple of sentences use “as” quite a bit. Up until this point I was going to commend you on keeping your words from feeling so repetitive (a problem I can't seem to overcome, even in this review;-; ) but here there's just too many 'as's.
I'd suggest changing the second sentence to say “Reaching the top of the staircase”, but that's purely a suggestion and you can keep it as is if you'd like ^^ I have a problem with thinking of how I'd write something and then giving suggestions based on that >> sorry

Almost immediately, he lay his eye upon the closet door, which was suddenly being knocked against from the inside, nearly busting off its hinges.

“Knocked against” made me think it was like someone knocking on a door – y'know, the 'asking permission to enter' kind of knock. But then “nearly busting off its hinges” – that sounds more like the door was being slammed against from the inside;-;
No need for a change, though, just noting that.
His son was weak-armed, but his own shoulder blades were bound by a tense unease.

This sentence confuses me, even after several read-overs. What is it supposed to mean, exactly?//what is its relevance in the story?
The bugs chirped incessantly; a reminder of the silence, the sky arching into the hills and the mountains into the mammatus.

Ooh, I really liked this sentence, especially using “mammatus” in place of boring old “clouds”. :b ^^
And then he could feel something at his back; something cold or perhaps an echo.

A comma after “cold” would serve the flow of this sentence well, I think.

Clarence Clyde was a father, first a foremost, and thus removed the rifle from its hook, cocking the barrel and then ensuring it was loaded.

*“and foremost”
After this, the sentence sort of falls apart with length. “and thus” right after the beginning feels odd and disconnected; he's a father first and foremost, so he grabbed his gun? I understand he must be intending to defend his son or something actually accidentally glimpsed the ending earlier so I have an idea as to where this is leading
It feels weird, though. I thought repeating the first line sounded cool after all the suspense and adrenaline, etc, but it quickly fell on its face, to me, with this explanation.
Perhaps “Clarence Clyde was a father, first and foremost. He removed a rifle from its hook” etc.?
Also, I think ensuring it's loaded would be the thing to do before cocking it? But I don't really know guns, so I may be really wrong there.


After finishing the last few sentences, I can forgive the previous point, though it still sits a bit weirdly with me, so I'll leave my notes there. I had caught the ending when I first came here, bookmarking the page in the morning to save it for later (now), and thought that it ended with Clyde shooting himself, so I went through this story with a slightly different perspective, expecting that outcome.
As said at the beginning, your choice of words in this piece is awesome, though the variety either ended after the halfway point, or I stopped paying attention to unusual words because I was more concerned with what was going on, so good job! Xp

I really enjoyed this; I might have nightmares or certain anxiety when I'm the last person awake tonight, now, (as happens when I read unsettling/scary things >> )but I enjoyed it. I felt Clyde's frantic-ness throughout. Fantastic work, Savvy! ^^


I apologize if this review's ending seems abrupt, I'm bad at reviews. I hope this helps some, though. Good luck with it!

- Hatt




passenger says...


You're honestly the best. This is so helpful. Thank you so much.



passenger says...


Oh, and in answer to your question about that one bit. I was trying to implement foreshadowing. This isn't super evident, but the son symbolizes the part of Clyde that has always wanted to be a good father. This being said, Bennet has been a huge source of stress on Clyde's life, and has caused constant suffering and anxiety for Clyde after he became a single parent. The prospect of this has "haunted" Clyde for quite a long time. At the end, Clyde finally destroys the part of him that wanted to be a good father because the benefit isn't worth the stress. By doing this, he literally kills his son (or so's implied). With the bit about the shoulders, I was shedding a little light on the stress that Clyde at been feeling and the weakness of his son.

Ya feel? Hopefully that clears everything up :)



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Fri Nov 18, 2016 1:55 am
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Craz wrote a review...



EY YO DIS CRAZ WITH A REVIEW

Fearing which, Clyde scrambled down the stairs with little grace or regard for reverence. He checked the bathroom, and left tables upturned in the sitting room. Bennet was nowhere to be found.

I find this bit odd. The window is open, his son is gone, and it is previously stated that "he had been either left or taken". You would think the father's first instinct would be to run outside but instead he is upturning tables? I think the upturning part is more for comedic affect/ is used for an exaggerated turn of phrase (if not then my mistake) but I suggest that you reword this to something more literal, like "he checked all the rooms in the house" and etc.

It was late at night. Clyde thrust open the sliding glass door. The crickets tapped at the pane like a rusted faucet. It was the middle of autumn. An empty gust whisked past his ears. An eerie quiet hung suspended in the pitch-black of nighttime, the most obscure rustle causing a rift in the calm.

The line of simple sentences should be changed up to create some more sentence variance in this paragraph. Also, I don't completely understand your description of the cricket's noise (where does the pane come in?). If you want, you could change up some of the word choice to build the suspense of his missing son.

These were the only bits I could find because wow. This is beautifully written and you capture Clyde's character wonderfully. I sympathize with him, not only because his story is tragic but because of how well he was written. I love how you start and end it the same way but in drastically different scenarios, and I think by juxtaposing them the way you did you are demonstrating how quickly someone's life can change in a matter of a few hours. Also, I am a huge fan of gore. Keep up the good work because wow.




passenger says...


In the line about the crickets tapping at the pane, I was referring to the pane of glass sliding door that had been mentioned in the previous sentence. :) This was very helpful; thank you for taking the time to write it! You definitely gave me a few edits to make. I'll take your suggestions into account!



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Thu Nov 17, 2016 8:18 pm
Samk642 wrote a review...



Samk642 dropping in from the Land of Postive Outlook!!

Let's get this puppy out of the green room!!

This is a great plot. I was on the edge of my seat from the start. I was scared in all the right places and had chills down my spine.

I don't have any big criticism of your story, I'm just curious on what's going to happen next, so tell me when you finish the next bit!! My only bine to pick is why did the father immediately think his son was possesed. I.E. what is the society and world they are in that has possession possible? That is all!!

Samk642 galloping off into the sunset on a deragon!!!




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Thu Nov 17, 2016 5:14 pm
EverStorm wrote a review...



Hey, EverWinter here for a review!

So your plot seems to flow nicely. You definitely have a good idea and a good start. I don't actually have any critique for you plot-wise. Most of what I had problems with are easy fixes that can be taken care of in a few edits.

"but his son had either left or been taken." this sounds off, and it's mostly because of the show don't tell rule. There needs to be balance between showing and telling, and this is a really good time to show.

Next, the sentence "Clyde bounded down the stairs". "Bounded" is a word that has a happy connotation, and you really want to use a word that invokes a panicked feeling. Try "ripped" or "scrambled" something that would convey the emotions that this character is having.

Next "It was late at night." You should probably introduce this earlier in the story so that people have a better image of the setting. Same with "It was the middle of autumn." but make sure you say them in a flowing manner that doesn't seem awkward.

"Bennet was ten. He hadn't spoken since the night he stood outside," try "Bennet was only ten" It seems to flow better.

Mostly, if you look through your story, the flow is off. If you can, look for choppy sentences that can be added to the next sentence so it can flow naturally.

Try to look for places you can use details to get your idea across. Instead of "It was night" talk about how the candle was the only source of light. "It was autumn" try talking about how the second Clyde opened the door, leaves blew into the house.

Over all, you have a great plot, you just need to edit this a bit ^^ I loved reading it and you have a great idea and imagination!

Great Job!
EverWinter





Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena