Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Seiren Blackscale was a man on a mission.
If you asked him, he would say that he was always on a mission but the one he was executing right now was different from the rest – working with his rival, Hikaru Summerbolt, to help a potential deviant related to an incident that was on its way to getting all of Deckstoru in an uproar.
So what he needed to do now was to go to a store for all kinds of girl clothes and accessories and buy a nice outfit to cover the body of the gorgeous stranger currently carried around town naked and unconscious by Hikaru in the most inconspicuous way possible.
This mission was indeed going to be very difficult to execute not so much because the golden-haired teenager didn’t know what to buy the girl or what size she wore.
No. He had done a quick check of her measurements with his trained eyes while talking about their course of action with Summerbolt earlier and had a pretty good understanding of women’s fashion for his age group.
The issue was that he was going to come across a number of beautiful girls, knowing some of them would be changing in the dressing rooms which he would pass by while picking an outfit. And he was a pervert.
It took some effort but he found everything the white-haired beauty would need and used the excuse he’s buying the outfit as a present for his girlfriend in front of the saleslady, somehow managing to resist the urge to sneak a peek into at least one of the dressing rooms due to the urgency of his mission.
Also he had additional motivation thinking about how gorgeous the girl he and Hikaru were trying to help was going to look in the outfit he had bought for her.
Once his job at the store was done, he ran off to one of the safest places in Deckstoru for a young deviant – the dormitories of his and his rival’s high school.
He was to rendezvous with Summerbolt there who was supposed to have already gone to the boys’ dorm to use one of the empty rooms in the building as a hiding place for the baby doll.
Would it have been easier to just leave her to their female schoolmates in the dorm next to the one used by the boys? Yes.
But since they didn’t know nearly enough about this girl, they chose to keep this situation’s details between themselves for the time being. That way, if they got into any trouble, they wouldn’t have to drag any of their friends down with them.
Blackscale came upon the identical buildings housing the boy and girl dormitories and looked around after entering the boy dorm’s lobby, soon enough something catching his eye.
A number of small electric charges just jumping around in the air next to the staircase leading to the first floor – something many wouldn’t notice but which Seiren noticed with ease because of his many interactions with his rival’s deva.
He went to them and touched one of the charges which caused all of them to shoot up the stairs with a slow enough speed for the pervert to follow them with his eyes. Summerbolt had left them to guide him to the room he had chosen as a hiding spot.
That room was located in the east wing of the third and last floor of the boys’ dorm, the golden-haired teenager finding his spiky-haired counterpart sitting on the one bed there, the white-haired beauty lying on the one across it, wrapped up in a couple of sheets, still unconscious.
‘-You’re an imbecile, Summerbolt, you know that? How long have you been sitting there and doing nothing while this girl is lying on the bed soaked?!’
‘-For a while. I was waiting for you so you could stay and guard her while I go and fix her up something to eat.’
‘-Not that!! I’m talking about the fact you haven’t dried her hair or her body!!!’
‘-I’ve turned on the air-conditioning!’
‘-That’s no good! You need to dry her off with a towel!’
‘-But she’s a girl and she’s naked! It wouldn’t be right to touch her like that while she’s unconscious!’
‘-But it would be alright to let her catch a cold, then?! For someone who always claims he’s a gentleman with only the best interest of ladies’ in mind, you’ve sure let her suffer quite a bit!! Go and make her something to eat so I don’t have to look at your ugly mug longer than necessary! I’ll take care of her from here on!’
‘-After I see what sort of outfit you’ve bought for her.’
He picked up the bag Blackscale was carrying with him and took out its contents, trying to ignore the lingerie as best as he could.
Other than that it contained a pale blue-whitish undergarment and stockings made of that specific mail-like material, full arm sleeves which were half white and half blurple, blurple girl shorts, a blurple half-skirt with vertical white lines on both sides, a white belt with a pale blue buckle, white chest armor with a blurple cross on the front side, blurple-white sneakers with pale blue shoelaces and a blurple hairpin.
‘-I’m actually surprised. I was half expecting you had bought her some super revealing leather outfit.’
‘-I can be practical when necessary, Summerbolt. And I have a better taste in girls’ outfits than you. That’s why we decided I’d be the one to buy her clothes in the first place. Besides she doesn’t need a revealing outfit like that to look gorgeous. She’s just …’
‘-Enough of that. You’ve proven to be of some use, so I’ll leave you with her while I make her lunch but if I find out you’ve done anything to her while I was away, I’ll electrocute you to pieces.’
‘-Why not let me cook while you watch her if you don’t trust me?’
‘-I cook faster than you, so I know you won’t have time to inflict considerable damage on her. Just enough to give me an excuse to beat the living shit out of you.’
‘-Looking for an excuse for a fight, eh? I’m fine with that. I’ll get to have some fun with her and finally kill you in the same day.’
‘-Don’t push you luck, perverted bastard.’
Hikaru said that with a battle-ready grin while leaving the room, Seiren turning his attention to the unconscious girl as soon as his rival left the room.
Summerbolt taking out her clothes and laying them out on the bed was going to make it easier for Blackscale to dress her up but first he needed to dry her, starting with the hair.
He found a clean towel, went over to her bed, placed her head on his lap and started drying her tresses with great care.
When he was done with the hair, it was time to move on to the body, so he got up, left the now wet towel and found another clean one which was bigger, placing it on his shoulder as he removed the sheets Hikaru had wrapped her in one by one.
Eventually the full splendour of her naked body was revealed, which stunned Seiren to a level where he just stood motionless and questioned reality for a couple of seconds.
He got over his amazement and got the towel ready, deciding to start with her torso, not being able to resist the impulse to touch her absolutely perfect breasts, her eyes opening just as he reached for her chest with the towel, the door of the room also opening at that time.
‘-Did she wake up, Black…’
The girl’s apple-green eyes were filled with shock as she realized the situation she was in, Seiren getting ready to explain his behavior to her, given that for the first time there was a good reason for his actions, but Hikaru’s response came before that.
He threw the tray he was holding with the bowl of salad, the glass of water and the fork and spoon on it at the pervert, Blackscale ducking to evade that, so the tray and its contents hit the small wardrobe between the bed and the wall.
‘-What did I say was going to happen if you touched her?!’
Seiren turned his angry face to his rival now, forgetting about the danger of the girl he had shamed next to him, which is why he didn’t see the hit she smashed in his stomach coming at all.
What was more surprising was the strength behind that hit, because it sent him to the wall behind him and with enough force to crack that wall in several places, the golden-haired pervert not having felt such an impact for a while.
Especially coming from the tiny fist of an unassuming girl.
Within the interval between the pervert closing and opening is eyes while blinking from the pain of being slammed against the wall the white-haired beauty had got to Hikaru with a maddened expression and had caught him by the neck, lifting him from the floor with just one hand.
‘-No, wait! I was aiming for that piece of shit pervert when I threw the tray, not you! I’m sorry if…’
The golden-haired teenager found his footing, realizing that the girl’s grip around Hikaru’s throat had only tightened up despite his words, now Summerbolt’s surprise being replaced by anger as he unleashed a pulse of electric charges that shook the room and pushed the baby doll away from him.
‘-Guess I won’t convince you just with talking, huh?’
Had he used that technique on any normal person, it would’ve pushed them all the way to the window and maybe even through it.
Putting aside the fact the mad bastard had released too much power without knowing for certain whether the girl was a deviant or not, it was now clear she was no ordinary human as she had only been pushed back three steps.
Seiren was ready to restrain her when he realized she now looked so shocked she didn’t even move a muscle, as if she had come to some realization.
Hikaru stepped closer to her, all three of them coming to another realization simultaneously as hostilities were suspended.
The gorgeous stranger had been naked for the whole duration of their little confrontation.
Blackscale’s surprise turned to immense joy because he was now behind her and saw with his own eyes that the back of her body was just as stunning as the front.
The girl could do little to cover herself so she just used her hands while falling to her knees with tears in her eyes, Summerbolt still being amazed.
He got over the shock soon enough and pointed at the clothes on the bed next to her and the towel Seiren was planning to use to dry her body, having fallen on that same bed after her fist had sent him to the wall.
‘-T-There … there’s a towel and clothes for you on the bed. Feel free to dry yourself and get dressed. We won’t look. Seiren! Turn around!!’
‘-I don’t really want to after what I saw…’
‘-Now!!!’
The pervert definitely did not want to take his eyes off the perfect shapes of this girl but helping her and learning more about her was a priority so he forced himself to do it, soon enough the duo’s guest having put on the outfit he had bought for her.
Upon turning around his suspicions were confirmed.
She looked just as gorgeous in that outfit but at least with this appearance the conversation between the three was going to go more smoothly.
‘-You two some kind of perverts?’
‘-He is, I’m not.’
‘-Why did you throw that tray at him earlier, then? I thought it was because he had seen me naked before you.’
Now Hikaru’s expression became more maddened than ever as he started roaring with the full volume of his voice at the baby doll.
‘-I threw it at him BECAUSE I had told him I’d kill him if he tried to do anything while I was away!!! I’ve always been a gentleman with only the best of all ladies in mind!!! Never accuse me of being a deprived piece of shit like the one next to me again!!! EVER!!!!!’
‘-See? I may be a pervert but he’s got serious anger issues. You decide which one is more dangerous.’
‘-I think you’re both dangerous. And who the hell are you?! Where am I?!’
‘-My name is Hikaru Summerbolt.’
‘-Seiren Blackscale. At your service now and always, my lady.’
‘-As for the place, you’re in the city of Deckstoru, Barilia.’
‘-And where is that exactly?’
‘-It will be easier to explain if you told us where you’re from.’
‘-Well, I’m … I ... my home … I can’t … I can’t remember.’
‘-Your name, then?’
‘-It’s … I can’t remember that, either.’
‘-What can you remember? Do you at least know how you got here?’
‘-There’s … there’s nothing. I can’t remember anything. Nothing at all!’
‘-Looks like you’ve got amnesia. That complicates things. Now we won’t be able to find out if you’re a deviant or not.’
‘-A what?’
‘-You don’t know what a deviant is?’
‘-She said she doesn’t remember anything, Blackscale. Of course she doesn’t know. We can find out another way, though.’
‘-You’ll take her to your mother?’
‘-It’s the best option right now. I won’t risk doing anything until I know what she is.’
‘-Wait! Just what are you…’
The trio’s conversation came to a sudden stop as their attention shifted to the sound of sirens coming from the outside, quickly going to the window to check the source. Four police cars were pulling over at the parking lot behind the dormitories.
‘-You think they’re on to us?’
‘-It’s possible. I don’t plan on sticking around to find out, though.’
‘-Let’s get out of here, then.’
The two boys went to the door, the baby doll standing next to the window in a state of total shock and confusion.
Seiren however knew they didn’t have the luxury to just sit around and contemplate the recent events with the cops being so close and probably getting ready to search the building.
Their usual argument about jurisdiction with the security guards before they let them in was only going to last so long.
‘-You coming? Or would you rather stay and explain your circumstances to those guys down there? Fair warning: don’t expect much sympathy from them. That’s the last thing they feel towards our kind.’
‘-I don’t think I can trust either of you but doesn’t look like there’s much choice. Let’s go.’
A girl with amnesia, a boy with anger issues and another one who was a pervert, two of whom were verified deviants. How far could the three of them get, Seiren wondered as they made their escape.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I'm back for chapter 2! I'm just going to get right into it
I think this is a really great first line for the chapter!
This one is quite a long run on sentence and I think it takes away from the impact of the first line.
This feels a bit rushed, because you've given the whole setup as to how this mission will be difficult for him and then he breezes through it so quickly that it hardly feels worth mentioning in the first place.
I did like the interaction between him and Summerbolt though, you could really see the relationship between the two of them and it highlighted the differences between the characters. It wasn't too hard to work out who was talking, but it was far harder when the girl was thrown into the conversation as well so I'd have to agree with comments below that some dialogues would be pretty useful here - they also serve an additional purpose of adding characterisation because you can describe how a character speaks. If you look in the Knowledge Base forums, YWS has all sorts of resources on things just like this which might be able to give you some guidance.
The plot seems to be progressing well, although as mentioned before the part where he goes to buy clothes felt a little arbitrary. I think you could skip over that quite easily.
Other than that, I hope this has been helpful and I look forward to reading the next chapter!
Icy
Thanks for the review!
I included the part about Seiren buying clothes because I wanted to give him an introduction that would give the readers a good idea of the kind of person he is, but reading it again now, it does feel kind of redundant.
I'll still have some kind of proper introduction for him but I'll change it up a bit.
Hey, just here to leave a quick review.
Firstly, that's some chapter name you got there. Definitely a change from our opener 'discovery'. Now on to the chapter itself. I like the semi-hostile banter between summerbolt and blackscale. It feels like the kind of banter 2 healthy rivals would have. Their rivalry makes sense considering they have completely opposite personalities but I do look forward to that rivalry being explored more.
I'm definitely interested to see where this 'deva' goes and the power set deviants have (it seems to look like they have powers). As for the girl, having her suffer from Amnesia is a great way to have a character ask questions that would be obvious to the characters but not to the readers. Like 'where are we?' or 'what are deviants?' etc. It's a good way to build your world through her and I hope she plays a prominent role in the story.
It seems that they are now on the run from the police which should be interesting to unpack in the next chapter.
P.S. I actually wrote this review BEFORE I read chapter 3 but forgot to finish it.
As always, thanks for the read and keep writing!
The Reaper sends his regards
Hey! Forever here with a review!!
First things first, I would like a bit of clarification on the title. I am really not sure about how to interpret the title. What is Iceflame in the first place? The name of the novel? The name of the chapter? If it's the name of the novel, I guess that Amnesia, anger issues...... is the name of the chapter. In that case, I must say it's not really the best chapter name. For a chapter title, you have got to be creative. After all, it's the title which makes the reader read the story.
Oh I didn't know that the story was actually being narrated by an omniscient person. Now it seems like we have the third person omniscient POV here. Earlier, it seemed like it was in third person limited POV. Not a matter of concern though. It's fine, I just wanted to point this out because sometimes it's just better to establish the POV in the first chapter itself.
Now coming to the plot. Well, it's moving along quite nicely. I was not expecting the problem to be solved quite soon, so nothing unexpected is happened here. Okay, one thing here is... Everything is actually happening quite smoothly. I mean I didn't really get the feeling of urgency and panicking... Ah, I honestly expected to get those feelings but I didn't. If you wanted the reader to have those feelings,I would suggest editing it a bit to evoke those feelings. I wonder how they are really going to escape. Escaping seems to be a very easy task to them. The ordinaris definitely have less power than them, so we never know. However, I am indeed a bit curious to know how they found out their location. That's quite a thing to ponder over.
Now the characters. Well, this chapter played a very important role in character development. Now I guess I do have some idea about why exactly they are rivals. They kind of seem to have opposing personalities to some extent. Hm... Summerbolt , as already said is a very well behaved gentleman and it actually comes out through his behaviour and the character of Blackscale too comes out through his behaviour. None of these three people is in a good condition. Like, first of all, this girl. This girl has forgotten everything but actually seems to be a very powerful and important person. So, it's kind of necessary to revive her memory. Then we have the two deviants. Hm... They don't even know who they are with. I am ardently hoping that the girl doesn't prove to be one of their enemies or something. Hopefully, everything is going to go fine. Another thing is Summerbolt's mother. I don't know who she is but she too seem to be important. Like when they rested upin their mother for knowing her identity, it's not quite wrong to assume she might be important.
Oh yes, dialogue tags are required. Well, I shouldn't say that I was extremely confused about who was speaking and even that it is very important here but hm... just to be a bit clearer, it wouldn't hurt to add one or two more dialogue tags. One way to understand the requirement if dialogue tags is reading it very fast. Then you can easily lose track of who the thinker was and then ut becomes very confusing if you don't have the speaker written after the dialogue. I hope this makes sense.
This is becoming interesting. I wonder what is going to happen next. Tag me in the next chapter or believe me, I am really forgetful. I will lose track which I don't want to do.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Thanks for the review!
Yes, Iceflame is the title of the whole story but I just forgot to add it to the name of the first chapter and wasn't able to figure out how to edit that.
This chapter's name is 'Amnesia, Anger Issues and Perversions', describing the main disadvantages, so to speak, of the main three characters. As the story progresses, you will see that all characters have one defining personality quirk. It was the best title I could think of for this chapter but I'll work harder on the ones of the coming chapters.
About the story's point of view, it is a third-person perspective but each chapter will have a focus on a particular character and the events unfolding in close proximity to them. That will allow for readers to see more points of view to the story, including those of the villains sometimes, which I think will create a better and more in-depth understadning of everything that is happening.
As for the trio's escape, there will be some chapters where there will be a bigger focus on comedic elements, this one being such an example but fear not, there's plenty of urgency and panic to come!
You're correct that Hikaru's mother is an important character and more will be revealed about her and the whole Summerbolt family in future chapters.
Thank you very much for telling me about the dialogue tags! Truth be told, I'm used to writing scripts where it is clearly written who says each line and the small actions done between lines of dialogue are put in brackets amidst that dialogue. I just didn't know the same principle could be applied when writing a novel and tried to stick to the rules of novels I knew about.
Your insight about such things is a great help because it makes writing easier for me and I really appreciate that!!
Sorry about not tagging you in this chapter. I actually don't know how to yet but will definitely tag you in the next one!
Hello!!
Seeing from the villain's POV seems to be very interesting
I guess you don't have to add dialogue tags after each dialogue but sometimes, it's good to establish who the speaker is just to avoid confusion.
Oh to tag someone, you just have to type their username with an @ sign before it. Yes, you can't tag someone in the work itself. So, tag it down in the comments. Hope it makes sense. If ut didn't, feel free to ask me. I will re-clarify