Hi, Saen! Back again for another review! How nice it is to be back up to date...
Small Comments
Beautiful, unfamiliar trees dotted the landscape, and picturesque wooden benches glowed in the light of hovering lanterns
'Beautiful', 'unfamiliar' and 'picturesque' are nothing adjectives. They're indicative of Cass's opinion, but they don't offer any insight into what the trees and benches actually look like. If you described their features, we could infer the beauty and the strangeness of them for ourselves rather than just being told of it. This overuse of evaluative adjectives is one of your biggest pitfalls when you're writing description, so try to cut down on them in future.
“Contracts are when a god or a fallen favors a human, and decides that they want to share their power with them.”
Ohh, now we're talking. I love this!
She stared at him.
“Someone like that likes me?”
This feels a bit cumbersome, though. 'Someone like that' just seems weirdly non-specific, and the repetition of 'like' knots up the sentence a bit. "A god...favours me?" might work better, even if it's not completely accurate, considering that it might be a fallen that's picked her. Still, 'god' is the familiar word to Cass, so it wouldn't be strange for her to hone in on that.
She went to finger her necklace, but caught herself just before she could. Aldonius had already seen her with it, but she didn't want to risk him leaving when he remembered that she possessed a golden locket.
This bit just made me go '??????????' Why would he leave when he noticed her touching the locket? He knows she's got the locket. He couldn't stop staring at the locket in the last chapter. Considering how rare the thing is, there's a minus 1000 chance that he's forgotten about it. If it was going to put him off, it already would have. I swear to god, I just don't understand how Cass's brain works sometimes.
It sounded like something out of a story from her childhood books: a powerful being decided to grant a seemingly normal person with magic and gifts to change the world and fight against evil. But she wasn't like those heroes. She was just Cassandra Hughes, and she couldn't even enter a room without worrying about how everyone was going to judge her. All of the times she had imagined how her life would play out in a fictional world, she had just been the sidekick.
To be honest, this actually makes Cass the archetypal hero. I reckon that timid 'I'm-not-a-hero' types are more common in modern fiction than ones who are bold and brave right from the start. So while it does fit with Cass's character for her to be like 'me, a hero? Are you joking?' it does feel a bit tropey to have the whole 'I'm not a hero' spiel considering that so many heroes say that at some point in their journey.
"Contracts are built on trust,” Aldonius said, “and you can only trust someone when you know the person they truly are. Those dreams aren't dreams. They're the memories of the person you'll one day make a contract with. And when you walk through the streets and get a feeling of déjà vu, it's because you're recalling the time that your contracted did. You might not remember them after you dream right now, but someday you'll remember them as strongly as you remember your own memories.”
Oh my god, this is so much cooler than I'd hoped for!! Strange mental links between people are my absolute jam; I think that's why I've always been so fixated on possession stories. There's so much scope for potential here - who is she tied to? Are they even a good person? How is Cass going to feel about having another person's memories and personality thrust upon her? Will she resist it? Man oh man, I'm so excited. There's so much you can do with this!
Despite herinsistent string ofquestions, he didn't turn around to face her.
We can tell it's a string of questions from the dialogue alone, so I'd maybe keep it simpler here. Up to you, though.
“I know someone like you. He's been thrust into a world that isn't his own, and is struggling because he knows that world doesn't accept him. If I can help another person avoid what he's been through, I gladly will.”
Imma go out on a limb and guess this is Kartiel, given that he's got a locket just like Cass's.
“Just...just be careful, Cass.”
And then he was gone, disappearing into the darkness of the empty street. It was only when his figure was little more than a dot on the horizon that she realized that she had never mentioned her name.
I'm torn on this. On the one hand, it's smoothly done and ends the chapter on a wonderfully mysterious note. On the other, it's not exactly original - see the trope I Never Told You My Name. On balance, I'd say you just about get away with it, but I would prefer it if you could think of a more unique way to portray the revelation.
Overall Thoughts
This is my favourite chapter so far! While I felt like the previous part saw Cass being a bit too passive, with Aldonius just piling information on her without hesitation, this chapter has a lot more suspense and the revelations are super cool. I love this idea of contracteds. I was expecting that Cass had actually been to Rey before and couldn't remember it, but this reveal is so much cooler. It puts a really interesting slant on things, as well, because Cass isn't the one who knows Aldonius (well, not as far as we know), and nor is she the one who felt uncomfortable around Lira's dad - she's just sharing the emotions of whoever does know them. So who are they? What's their history with these characters? And why would they take an interest in Cass - or any other human, for that matter? That's one of my biggest questions about this contract business. I can see why a human would benefit from sharing the power of a god or fallen, but what's in it for the other party? Why are contracts made at all? Why would a being like that willingly part with their power?
But don't get me wrong, it's good that you're leaving me with a lot of questions. I'm somewhere between troubled and intrigued by Aldonius's behaviour. Why would he tell her that she's a contracted yet refuse to speculate on which fallen has chosen her? Is he just doing it to protect her? Perhaps he doesn't want her getting too involved in a world that isn't her own, given what's happened to this other contracted he knows. But the fact that he knows her name makes me think there's a lot more to it.
In terms of my criticisms, I think this chapter could do with more description, particularly at the beginning of the chapter. You devote the first three paragraphs to explaining (in a somewhat clinical way) Cass's inner thoughts and her trust in Aldonius, which means that the journey to the park is just an unspecified blur to me. I don't feel like I really get much of a vibe from Rey yet. You describe it in fits and bursts, usually focusing on choice locations, so I don't have a very strong image of the city as a whole - nor the specific details of its people or architecture or anything like that. Description should permeate the story. Don't just designate it to a cluster of paragraphs every few chapters; interweave details throughout and paint a constant picture. Setting is crucial in a story like this, so that's something you'll really have to think about in redrafting.
That's my only major gripe, though, even if it is quite a big one. The description of the park isn't immersive enough either, as I alluded to in the small comments, and - like all of the description - it feels like you shove it into one paragraph and then forget about it for the rest of the chapter. Maintain the presence. Break up the dialogue not just with character description or comments about their body language, but with allusions to the environment. Even small details like Aldonius waving away glowing insects or toeing gravel would contribute to the environmental image as well as giving us information about him. That kind of layering is what you need to work on - fitting character description against environmental description, then interweaving both with plot progression. It's tough, but it elevates writing no end.
With all that aside, though, some more positives: your dialogue was nicely pitched in this chapter, the pacing was good on the whole (could've been a little quicker at the beginning) and Cass took a more active role in the conversation, pressing Aldonius for details. You got the right balance between answering questions and raising new ones, and I honestly can't wait to see where things will go for Cass from here. Will she tell Aspen everything Aldonius told her? I feel like she owes it to her, given that Aspen was having odd dreams as well. If there's a chance that Aspen might be a contracted as well, then she has a right to know. But I wouldn't put it past Cass to keep this to herself, which would definitely add some interesting tension.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
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