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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 6.3]

by Mageheart


Author's Note: If there's anything I took out of writing this chapter, it was that I've committed a horrible crime by forgetting how emotional Inuyasha instrumentals can make me when I'm listening to them and writing. (If you want some musical accompaniment while listening to this chapter, this is the song I listened to while writing most of it.)

This chapter does involve Aldonius give Cass a large amount of incredibly important information, so I suggest making sure you take note of every little detail when reading through it!

Words: 1,870

Last Line(s): He took another deep breath, glanced at the street around them, and then said, “We need to talk about this somewhere else.” Cass wanted to point out that no one was present in the street, but Aldonius had already turned around and was heading in the direction he had come from. She briefly looked over her shoulder at the outline of the palace in the distance, then hurried on after him. She could retrace her steps when she needed to return.

Aldonius led her down a series of long cobble streets. She was able to remember the path they were taking, but it occurred to her just as they were about to reach their destination that she was putting a surprisingly high amount of faith towards someone she barely knew. It had been easy to ignore before – she had been caught up in the moment, and had been overcome by that slew of powerful feelings she still frustratingly couldn't understand. She had just followed his lead, despite only just having had their first true conversation.

Now she was following him to some unspecified location, and she knew that alone should have been enough to alarm her. But she didn't feel worried. She felt safe around Aldonius, no matter how much she tried to remind herself that she wasn't really supposed to. It was that realization that brought her fear. Even when she tried her hardest to change her mind about him, she found that she couldn't. The wise thing would have been to run back to Aspen and Lira as fast as she could; Lira wasn't leading her through dark, abandoned streets, and Aspen was a familiar face in a unfamiliar place. Aldonius was just Aldonius. Her soul told her to trust him, but she wasn't sure she would have been so eager to do so if it hadn't.

But even though she knew that the best choice would be to leave him, she also knew that she had to stay. Aldonius had the information she needed. She couldn't ignore that. If she had to take a risk to understand why she felt the way she did, then she would.

“We're here,” he said.

She looked up and stared in awe.

They were standing in front of an enormous park. Beautiful, unfamiliar trees dotted the landscape, and picturesque wooden benches glowed in the light of hovering lanterns. There were few stars in the sky above, but there were also few clouds. If she had her phone on her, she would have snapped picture after picture of what she saw. But, since she didn't, she tried to do what she had done back in the street: she memorized every little detail she noticed, hoping that would be enough when she wanted to look back on that memory in the future.

Aldonius led her to one of the benches closest to the entrance. The benches were surprisingly large, but he took up relatively little space on the bench. Rather than sitting in the middle, he opted to sit towards the side. Cass decided it was best to follow his example and sat down on the opposite side. An awkward silence settled upon the two – and it certainly didn't help that he wasn't even looking in her direction when she glanced over at him. It quickly became apparent that Aldonius wasn't going to initiate the conversation, so Cass mustered the little courage she could and – voice hesitant – started it.

“You said that I was someone's contracted,” she said.

A nod.

“But what does that mean?”

He folded his hands and placed them in his lap, opting to stare down at them rather than over at her. Cass wasn't sure if she should have been grateful for the sudden lack of attention, or if she should have been wishing he was clearly listening to what she had to say. After another awkward silence passed, he took a deep breath and asked, “Does your world have gods?”

“It does,” she confirmed.

“What about the fallen?”

She tried to remember what she had seen in the painting on Lira's wall. The only thing she could easily compare their visual aspects to were dragons, but that didn't quite fit with what Lira had told her about them. But while there was nothing visually similar, she could think of multiple religions where the bad were cast out from the good. The fallen were the Lucifers of this world, forced out of their Heaven for committing crimes against their brethren and the humans.

“It's not exactly the same, but we have fallen angels,” she hesitantly replied.

He mulled over this answer for several seconds. “Old texts from other parts of the world have called the gods 'angels' before, so I won't be surprised if ours and yours were similar,” he said. He slowly raised his head and looked over at her, his purple eyes peering out from underneath his hood. “Contracts are when a god or a fallen favors a human, and decides that they want to share their power with them.”

She stared at him.

“Someone like that likes me?” When there wasn't an immediate response, her gaze dropped down to her lap. She went to finger her necklace, but caught herself just before she could. Aldonius had already seen her with it, but she didn't want to risk him leaving when he remembered that she possessed a golden locket.

It sounded like something out of a story from her childhood books: a powerful being decided to grant a seemingly normal person with magic and gifts to change the world and fight against evil. But she wasn't like those heroes. She was just Cassandra Hughes, and she couldn't even enter a room without worrying about how everyone was going to judge her. All of the times she had imagined how her life would play out in a fictional world, she had just been the sidekick. It had been Aspen who would be chosen for some noble quest, and she would just come along because she wanted to support her friend.

But Aspen hadn't been getting the feelings. Aspen hadn't been drawn to the lockets. Aspen wasn't sitting here right now, talking with Aldonius about something she had never once thought was actually possible. 

It was just her.

“They might not know you yet,” Aldonius said. At the sound of his voice, she glanced at him. He had averted his gaze once more, and was now reaching a hand up to touch something tucked underneath the clasp of his cloak. Before she could see what that something was, his hand had returned to his side. “Whatever higher power that's out there seems to know when contracts are going to be made, and the experiences you've had so far are in preparation of your contract.”

She furrowed her brow. “I don't understand.”

He took yet another deep breath.

“You've been having strange dreams, haven't you?” he asked. He closed his eyes and leaned back up against the bench. “You wouldn't be able to remember them yet, but you know that they're different, don't you? They felt real. And when those dreams are over and you wake up, sometimes you feel like a completely different person. You're acting in ways you never have before, and you're picking up new habits.”

“That's-That's exactly what's been happening to me,” she confirmed. She leaned towards him ever so slightly. She had hoped that Aldonius would give her some of the answers that she needed, but she had never expected him to know so much about what she had been experiencing. He was an endless well of information – she felt like she could ask him anything about this world, and he would be able to tell her the answer. “Were...were my dreams real?” 

He nodded.

"Contracts are built on trust,” Aldonius said, “and you can only trust someone when you know the person they truly are. Those dreams aren't dreams. They're the memories of the person you'll one day make a contract with. And when you walk through the streets and get a feeling of déjà vu, it's because you're recalling the time that your contracted did. You might not remember them after you dream right now, but someday you'll remember them as strongly as you remember your own memories.”

He paused.

“At least, that's what I've heard on my travels.”

She studied his face. She traced the scar running up his cheek with her gaze, wondering how he had received it while simultaneously realizing that she probably knew that about him, too. She felt like she knew a lot about him, even though she wasn't quite sure what that knowledge entailed. She studied his eyes as he opened them – they were such an unusual color, but she liked them all the same. Her gaze traveled to his the locks of black hair interspersed with a brilliant shade of white. That, too, was abnormal, but she liked it. She couldn't tell how many of these thoughts about him where hers or what her future contracted thought about him, but she decided that she could determine that later.

“Do you know who my contracted is?” she asked.

He looked over at her.

“Whoever my contracted is knows you,” she added, her voice so confident that it surprised even her. “They know you incredibly well. I-I can feel it whenever I look at it. I know I know things about you that an acquaintance wouldn't know about you.”

Aldonius didn't immediately answer. When he finally did, his voice was little more than a whisper. “I've done a lot of traveling,” he stiffly said, “and met a lot of people. One of them could have been your contracted”

“It's not like that-”

She fell silent when he rose from his side of the bench. He wasn't going to give her the answer that she wanted; she could see it in the way he didn't meet her eye when he pulled his hood back up, and how eager he was to turn his back to her. “Your contracted likely isn't a god – most of them tend to be one of the fallen.”

She got to her feet as well. She should have been alarmed by what he had just told her, but she was more worried by the prospect of him leaving so soon.“Are you going now?”

“Yes.”

She reached a hand out, but returned it to her side before she could grab onto his cloak. “But I still have so much I need to ask you. How do-how do you know so much about contracts? Why did you even talk to me in the first place? And why can't you tell me who my contracted is?” 

Despite her insistent string of questions, he didn't turn around to face her. He was already heading towards the exit to the park by the time she had finished speaking. It was there that he paused; he rested his hand up against the stone pillar beside the entrance, thought for a moment, and then said, “I know someone like you. He's been thrust into a world that isn't his own, and is struggling because he knows that world doesn't accept him. If I can help another person avoid what he's been through, I gladly will.”

He took a step forward, his face clouded in shadows as he finally turned to look back at her.

“Just...just be careful, Cass.” 

And then he was gone, disappearing into the darkness of the empty street. It was only when his figure was little more than a dot on the horizon that she realized that she had never mentioned her name.


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Sun Oct 28, 2018 9:47 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Saen! Back again for another review! How nice it is to be back up to date...

Small Comments

Beautiful, unfamiliar trees dotted the landscape, and picturesque wooden benches glowed in the light of hovering lanterns


'Beautiful', 'unfamiliar' and 'picturesque' are nothing adjectives. They're indicative of Cass's opinion, but they don't offer any insight into what the trees and benches actually look like. If you described their features, we could infer the beauty and the strangeness of them for ourselves rather than just being told of it. This overuse of evaluative adjectives is one of your biggest pitfalls when you're writing description, so try to cut down on them in future.

“Contracts are when a god or a fallen favors a human, and decides that they want to share their power with them.”


Ohh, now we're talking. I love this!

She stared at him.

“Someone like that likes me?”


This feels a bit cumbersome, though. 'Someone like that' just seems weirdly non-specific, and the repetition of 'like' knots up the sentence a bit. "A god...favours me?" might work better, even if it's not completely accurate, considering that it might be a fallen that's picked her. Still, 'god' is the familiar word to Cass, so it wouldn't be strange for her to hone in on that.

She went to finger her necklace, but caught herself just before she could. Aldonius had already seen her with it, but she didn't want to risk him leaving when he remembered that she possessed a golden locket.


This bit just made me go '??????????' Why would he leave when he noticed her touching the locket? He knows she's got the locket. He couldn't stop staring at the locket in the last chapter. Considering how rare the thing is, there's a minus 1000 chance that he's forgotten about it. If it was going to put him off, it already would have. I swear to god, I just don't understand how Cass's brain works sometimes.

It sounded like something out of a story from her childhood books: a powerful being decided to grant a seemingly normal person with magic and gifts to change the world and fight against evil. But she wasn't like those heroes. She was just Cassandra Hughes, and she couldn't even enter a room without worrying about how everyone was going to judge her. All of the times she had imagined how her life would play out in a fictional world, she had just been the sidekick.


To be honest, this actually makes Cass the archetypal hero. I reckon that timid 'I'm-not-a-hero' types are more common in modern fiction than ones who are bold and brave right from the start. So while it does fit with Cass's character for her to be like 'me, a hero? Are you joking?' it does feel a bit tropey to have the whole 'I'm not a hero' spiel considering that so many heroes say that at some point in their journey.

"Contracts are built on trust,” Aldonius said, “and you can only trust someone when you know the person they truly are. Those dreams aren't dreams. They're the memories of the person you'll one day make a contract with. And when you walk through the streets and get a feeling of déjà vu, it's because you're recalling the time that your contracted did. You might not remember them after you dream right now, but someday you'll remember them as strongly as you remember your own memories.”


Oh my god, this is so much cooler than I'd hoped for!! Strange mental links between people are my absolute jam; I think that's why I've always been so fixated on possession stories. There's so much scope for potential here - who is she tied to? Are they even a good person? How is Cass going to feel about having another person's memories and personality thrust upon her? Will she resist it? Man oh man, I'm so excited. There's so much you can do with this!

Despite her insistent string of questions, he didn't turn around to face her.


We can tell it's a string of questions from the dialogue alone, so I'd maybe keep it simpler here. Up to you, though.

“I know someone like you. He's been thrust into a world that isn't his own, and is struggling because he knows that world doesn't accept him. If I can help another person avoid what he's been through, I gladly will.”


Imma go out on a limb and guess this is Kartiel, given that he's got a locket just like Cass's.

“Just...just be careful, Cass.”

And then he was gone, disappearing into the darkness of the empty street. It was only when his figure was little more than a dot on the horizon that she realized that she had never mentioned her name.


I'm torn on this. On the one hand, it's smoothly done and ends the chapter on a wonderfully mysterious note. On the other, it's not exactly original - see the trope I Never Told You My Name. On balance, I'd say you just about get away with it, but I would prefer it if you could think of a more unique way to portray the revelation.

Overall Thoughts

This is my favourite chapter so far! While I felt like the previous part saw Cass being a bit too passive, with Aldonius just piling information on her without hesitation, this chapter has a lot more suspense and the revelations are super cool. I love this idea of contracteds. I was expecting that Cass had actually been to Rey before and couldn't remember it, but this reveal is so much cooler. It puts a really interesting slant on things, as well, because Cass isn't the one who knows Aldonius (well, not as far as we know), and nor is she the one who felt uncomfortable around Lira's dad - she's just sharing the emotions of whoever does know them. So who are they? What's their history with these characters? And why would they take an interest in Cass - or any other human, for that matter? That's one of my biggest questions about this contract business. I can see why a human would benefit from sharing the power of a god or fallen, but what's in it for the other party? Why are contracts made at all? Why would a being like that willingly part with their power?

But don't get me wrong, it's good that you're leaving me with a lot of questions. I'm somewhere between troubled and intrigued by Aldonius's behaviour. Why would he tell her that she's a contracted yet refuse to speculate on which fallen has chosen her? Is he just doing it to protect her? Perhaps he doesn't want her getting too involved in a world that isn't her own, given what's happened to this other contracted he knows. But the fact that he knows her name makes me think there's a lot more to it.

In terms of my criticisms, I think this chapter could do with more description, particularly at the beginning of the chapter. You devote the first three paragraphs to explaining (in a somewhat clinical way) Cass's inner thoughts and her trust in Aldonius, which means that the journey to the park is just an unspecified blur to me. I don't feel like I really get much of a vibe from Rey yet. You describe it in fits and bursts, usually focusing on choice locations, so I don't have a very strong image of the city as a whole - nor the specific details of its people or architecture or anything like that. Description should permeate the story. Don't just designate it to a cluster of paragraphs every few chapters; interweave details throughout and paint a constant picture. Setting is crucial in a story like this, so that's something you'll really have to think about in redrafting.

That's my only major gripe, though, even if it is quite a big one. The description of the park isn't immersive enough either, as I alluded to in the small comments, and - like all of the description - it feels like you shove it into one paragraph and then forget about it for the rest of the chapter. Maintain the presence. Break up the dialogue not just with character description or comments about their body language, but with allusions to the environment. Even small details like Aldonius waving away glowing insects or toeing gravel would contribute to the environmental image as well as giving us information about him. That kind of layering is what you need to work on - fitting character description against environmental description, then interweaving both with plot progression. It's tough, but it elevates writing no end.

With all that aside, though, some more positives: your dialogue was nicely pitched in this chapter, the pacing was good on the whole (could've been a little quicker at the beginning) and Cass took a more active role in the conversation, pressing Aldonius for details. You got the right balance between answering questions and raising new ones, and I honestly can't wait to see where things will go for Cass from here. Will she tell Aspen everything Aldonius told her? I feel like she owes it to her, given that Aspen was having odd dreams as well. If there's a chance that Aspen might be a contracted as well, then she has a right to know. But I wouldn't put it past Cass to keep this to herself, which would definitely add some interesting tension.

Keep writing! :D

~Pan




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Sun Oct 28, 2018 3:37 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



This is my 400th green room review! :D (and I listened to the link you provided - it is good background music for this!!)

Hmmmm, so we didn't get all the info which is good, but I'm still debating whether we need all this info now, or if we can let Cass suffer a little more and make her wait to find all this out...

All of the info about the contracted makes sense, but like what Cass pondered at the end, why is he telling her all of this? He was avoiding her, what made him decide to finally tell her something? He mentioned the other person he knows who has been in a similar situation (if that mentioned guy turns out to be her contract person...) but why now? And this is still the first day that she's been in this world. A lot has happened on this day. She's already had to absorb so much and now she gets this new whammy.

Why did he pick this park? Why was this more safe than where they were before? How far did they travel? Is Cass worried she won't be able to find her way back? (Especially without her phone). And do modern cellphones even work in this world or would the technology get messed up?

Overall, intriguing element to the story. I'm looking forward to seeing how Cass processes this and where she'll go next with Aspen and Lira. I have a feeling they're not going to be thrilled when Cass gets back that she went out on her own and was gone for so long...

And as always, let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review!

I'll be really curious to see what your reviews on the pacing of the novel are once the story progresses some more! I feel like I have a lot of things I need to cover before I can get into the plot of the story (which I feel like is a problem that everyone has in a story like this) and I don't want to spend too long writing for them because the pacing has been slow as it is.

Hopefully you'll find out the answers to those questions soon!



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Wed Oct 24, 2018 1:01 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



She was just Cassandra Hughes, and she couldn't even enter a room without worrying about how everyone was going to judge her. All of the times she had imagined how her life would play out in a fictional world, she had just been the sidekick. It had been Aspen who would be chosen for some noble quest, and she would just come along because she wanted to support her friend.


Awwww. What a bummer that Cass doesn't picture herself as the hero even in her own fantasies.

It was only when his figure was little more than a dot on the horizon that she realized that she had never mentioned her name.


I noticed this right away but then again I have a long history of retail work, which means people calling you by your name because of the name tag you've forgotten you're wearing.

I find it odd that Aldonius took Cass to the side just to tell her she's contracted but can't tell her to whom. But he knows her name, so it feels like he has some insider intel...but not enough? I don't know. On the one hand I was excited to find out more, but on the other hand this chapter ends up feeling pointless because Aldonius knows so little and leaves so quickly. I think the issue is that I'm not sure what motivated him (other than giving readers some answers and moving the plot forward). What does he get out of telling Cass what he knows? Why does he tell Cass what he knows when he knows so little? Or does he really know much more but pretends not to for some reason?




Mageheart says...


Awwww. What a bummer that Cass doesn't picture herself as the hero even in her own fantasies.


I was going to have her imagine herself as a hero when dreaming of fantasy stories, but then I realized it would just fit her more if she didn't think of herself in that light.

I find it odd that Aldonius took Cass to the side just to tell her she's contracted but can't tell her to whom. But he knows her name, so it feels like he has some insider intel...but not enough? I don't know. On the one hand I was excited to find out more, but on the other hand this chapter ends up feeling pointless because Aldonius knows so little and leaves so quickly. I think the issue is that I'm not sure what motivated him (other than giving readers some answers and moving the plot forward). What does he get out of telling Cass what he knows? Why does he tell Cass what he knows when he knows so little? Or does he really know much more but pretends not to for some reason?


This is one of the things that makes very little sense right now, but I promise it'll make sense down the road. Your instincts are leading you exactly in the direction that I was hoping it would go, but I don't want to answer the questions you asked me because they might give away spoilers - though I'll happily do so if you're okay with knowing at least part of them.



BluesClues says...


hmmm
*squints*



Mageheart says...


I'm going to take that as a no on the spoilers, then. :P




I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor