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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 6.2]

by Mageheart


Author's Note: I think this is the earliest I've ever gotten a chapter done by! I don't have long to write this author's note, so I just wanted to say that this is one of my chapters so far, and that I'm very, very happy to finally be writing more about Aldonius.

Words: 1,795

Last Line(s): “Then you should get away from her as soon a possible,” he said, “because nothing good can come of being around someone like her.”

He turned and stormed off into the distance, leaving Cass and Aldonius alone in the street.

It was only when Prince Rodet had disappeared into the dark horizon that Aldonius ceased holding her in his arms. Instead, he helped her get back on her feet and rested his hands on her shoulders. He didn't say anything at first. For those first few moments, he just stood there and watched her from within the cowls of his cloak. 

She had been hoping for some sort of conversation that would explain everything, but now she was grateful for not having to speak. She felt like she was – once again – on the verge of tears. And while this time might have been the most justifiable of them all, it was also the time where she didn't want to cry the most. In the short time she had known of his existence, Cass had practically idolized him. This was their first proper conversation, and she didn't want to start it with tears.

Her lip quivered, and her vision began to grow blurry. She tried to hold them back – she really did – but she was just so terrified. She had never been in a situation where someone wanted her dead or injured; she never drew that much attention to herself. But here in Rey, her magic and her locket were all that was needed to bring on the wrath of a man who was the kingdom's prince. Even now, Aldonius was staring at the locket hanging above her chest with unreadable purple eyes. He was going to be just like the prince, wasn't he?

But he didn't lash out at her.

He pulled out a white handkerchief from the depths of his cloak and held it out to her. She graciously took it and wipe away the steady stream of tears now running down her flushed cheeks, but doing so only made more fall. Aldonius watched her cry for another minute before he hesitantly embraced her. Her eyes widened in surprised, but it only took a few moments for her to start sobbing into his cloak.

“It's alright,” he softly said. “He can't hurt you now.”

Cass didn't give a reply; she was too busy dealing with the sobs shaking her body. Any attempt to stop the flow of tears resulted in her breath becoming ragged and panicked, and the tears still continued to fall – albeit a little less than before. The erratic breathing came to a sudden stop when she felt Aldonius begin to rub his hand on her back. She should have been startled by how intimate a stranger was being to her, but the kind gesture from Aldonius made her feel safe. Her tears gradually became nonexistent, and her cheeks gradually began to return to their normal hue.

Aldonius let go of her.

Taking several steps back, he looked her over. His gaze once again returned to the locket dangling above her chest. The longer he stared at it, the harder it was to resist the urge to fiddle with it. She finally succumbed to the urge when he reached his hand out to touch the cheek that Prince Rodet's vines had cut. She instinctively jerked back from his touch – not only did it hurt her wound, but it also was a strange breach of her personal space.

“I shouldn't have startled you like that,” Aldonius suddenly said, ducking his head down in apology. His hand returned to his side. “I have healing magic. If you want, I can heal your cut.”

She raised a hand up and touched her cheek. It stung a little when she touched it, but she wanted to feel the extent of the injury. He had narrowly missed hitting her eye; it came to a stop less than an inch below it. The rest of the cut continued all the way down to the bottom of her chin.

When she realized how long the gash was, she nodded.

Aldonius reached his hand out to touch her cheek for a second time. His touch initially stung, but then she began to feel an intrusive yet familiar warmth radiating off of his fingertips. The warmth raced up and down the length of her cut. As she touched it again, she was astonished to feel the skin coming back together. The areas that had completely healed were just as warm as his fingers were. And every single moment of it felt wonderful – it was like being pulled into his comforting embrace again.

He withdrew his hand.

“Thank you,” she managed to get out.

He gave her a small smile, but refrained from a verbal reply.

It suddenly occurred to Cass that she had no idea what she wanted to say to him. She had been so intent on finding him and receiving answers that she hadn't thought of how she was going to explain why she was looking for him in the first place. She hoped he would understand, but how would she cope with him fearing or despising her if this conversation went poorly?

And why did she care so much about his opinion in particular?

“I know you're not from here,” Aldonius said. His hand returned to the recesses of his cloak. When Cass stared at him with wide eyes, he added, “You're from another world. I saw you enter the city with the mayor's daughter – only people who have never experienced this would look at Rey in the way you and your friend were.” He gestured at the area surrounding them, his face still impossible to read. It had been so easy when she had seen him before, but now she couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking.

She hesitated, then nodded.

“Do you not have magic in your world?”

Another nod.

He thought for a moment. She saw a flash of gold as he reached underneath his shirt and absentmindedly began to fiddle with it, but he returned it to where it originally was when he remembered that she was there. “Have you ever heard of souls?”

“I have,” she quietly answered. She couldn't see where he was going with this conversation, but she would pay attention to every word of it. “They're supposed to represent who a person is, but they're mainly used in stories.”

Her gaze lingered on the scar running up the side of his face as she waited for him to continue speaking. It was much like her own, running up the middle of his cheek and stopping just short of his eye. It didn't seem like the type of cut someone would accidentally receive; it seemed like the type of cut that was given by someone else.

“Souls aren't works of fiction here,” Aldonius said. He raised a hand and rested it over his heart. “They're the source of every person's magic. I can heal because it's been written into my soul, and you can wield your darkness because it's what your soul is meant to do.”

She studied his position, then looked down at her own chest. Was he putting his hand there because it was where his soul located? She placed her own hand on her chest. She could feel the steady beat of her heart underneath it. Was her soul sitting right beside it? “Why...Why are you telling me this?” she asked, glancing back up at him. She had to stare at him for several seconds to notice, but his lips were beginning to turn up into a warm smile.

“Your soul and your magic is a part of who you are,” Aldonius explained. He lowered his hand. “This kingdom wants you to think that your magic is a terrible thing, but it's just the way you are.”

She didn't know how to respond to that. Aldonius wasn't from Rey. The longer she talked to him, the more apparent that became. His reactions to her magic and her locket were simply too different, and his accent was different than the one she had heard Lira use. Was he a traveler who just happened to frequently visit Rey, or had he moved here from somewhere else?

But then she looked down at her hand, and suddenly realized something incredibly important: the feeling she had been having ever since that morning had come from right where her heart was. If her guess on why Aldonius had been resting his hand on his chest was right, then it hadn't been her heart that the feeling had originated from – it had been her soul.

“Are souls right here?” she asked.

He looked down at her chest, then nodded. “They are.”

She took a deep breath. She couldn't keep avoiding the reason she had sought him out in the first place. She needed to speak to him about her bizarre sense of recognition, and how he gave her the strongest feeling of all. It was hard finding the right words. She didn't want to sound crazy, and she didn't want to scare him away. But the more she thought about it, the more apparent it became that she wouldn't be able to easily overcome this particular challenge. She would have to just say what was on her mind, and pick up the pieces afterwards.

“I was actually looking for you before Prince Rodet and I met,” she admitted. She wanted to drop her gaze down to the cobblestone street, but she raised her head up high and looked into his eyes. “For the past day, my soul has been giving me weird feelings. I keep feeling like I know people and places I couldn't have possibly seen before. Most of the time, it just feels like déjà vu. But when I...But when I look at you, it feels different. Stronger. And I'm not sure why, but I felt like talking to you would help me understand why.”

Aldonius didn't say anything.

Now Cass ducked her head down. She couldn't stand to look at his face while he mulled over what she had said. What if he ultimately came to the conclusion that she was crazy, and ended up leaving her before she had a chance to understand why she was so drawn to him?

She heard Aldonius take a deep breath.

“You're someone's contracted,” he said.

She raised her head up. “...Contracted?”

He took another deep breath, glanced at the street around them, and then said, “We need to talk about this somewhere else.” Cass wanted to point out that no one was present in the street, but Aldonius had already turned around and was heading in the direction he had come from. She briefly looked over her shoulder at the outline of the palace in the distance, then hurried on after him. She could retrace her steps when she needed to return.




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Sun Oct 28, 2018 3:48 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hey, Saen! Happy Review Day!

Small Comments

And while this time might have been the most justifiable of them all, it was also the time where she didn't want to cry the most. In the short time she had known of his existence, Cass had practically idolized him. This was their first proper conversation, and she didn't want to start it with tears.


I'm assuming by 'him' you mean Aldonius? Probably best to give his name here, as there's no clear antecedent for a pronoun.

Also, does Cass idolise Aldonius? I've never got that vibe. I just thought she recognised him and felt a strange, protective warmth towards him.

Her lip quivered, and her vision began to grow blurry. She tried to hold them back – she really did – but she was just so terrified. She had never been in a situation where someone wanted her dead or injured; she never drew that much attention to herself. But here in Rey, her magic and her locket were all that was needed to bring on the wrath of a man who was the kingdom's prince. Even now, Aldonius was staring at the locket hanging above her chest with unreadable purple eyes. He was going to be just like the prince, wasn't he?


Two points here:

1) I'm not a big fan of the way you summarise what happened in the last chapter segment and explain it - it just feels too tell-y, not to mention unnecessary. We literally just saw the prince attack her and we know full well why he did it; why repeat the information here? This might be a side-effect of taking week-long gaps between writing chapters, though, so don't sweat it too much.

2) Fair enough for Cass to be anxious or wary, but why would she think Aldonius was going to be 'just like the prince' when he just...defended her...from the prince? And it's not like he protected her without knowing Rodet's reason for attacking her, because Cass's dark magic was in full view of both of them. It just seems like another instance of Cass being melodramatic.

Aldonius watched her cry for another minute before he hesitantly embraced her. Her eyes widened in surprised, but it only took a few moments for her to start sobbing into his cloak.

“It's alright,” he softly said. “He can't hurt you now.”


...this is weird. They've only just met. And Aldonius was seriously keeping his distance before this.

Her tears gradually became nonexistent, and her cheeks gradually began to return to their normal hue.


This bit feels odd to me. Even though the story is in third person, it's still slanted from Cass's POV, so it doesn't feel right to describe things she can't sense herself. How would she know her cheeks had gone back to normal? She can't see them.

“Have you ever heard of souls?”

“I have,” she quietly answered. She couldn't see where he was going with this conversation, but she would pay attention to every word of it. “They're supposed to represent who a person is, but they're mainly used in stories.”


It's an odd question, but I think this is an odder response. Who hasn't heard of souls? I'm surprised she answers in this nonchalant and informative way, like she's responding to a teacher's question, rather than being like 'uh...yeah...of course?' Because it's a weird question. And it's not like souls are some niche concept that only a few people have heard of.

It was much like her own, running up the middle of his cheek and stopping just short of his eye. It didn't seem like the type of cut someone would accidentally receive; it seemed like the type of cut that was given by someone else.


The part in bold is implied by the rest of the sentence, so I strongly suggest you scrap it. Also, minor nitpick, but scars near the eye are such a trope. I'd much rather see a character with a totally uncool scar for a change.

“Your soul and your magic is a part of who you are,” Aldonius explained. He lowered his hand. “This kingdom wants you to think that your magic is a terrible thing, but it's just the way you are.”


Thank you, Aldonius. I knew this guy was a good egg.

“You're someone's contracted,” he said.


Oooooh, what does this mean? I'm officially intrigued.

Overall Thoughts

Everybody's talked about the slightly creepy behaviour from Aldonius, so I'll just say that I echo their sentiments and leave it at that, because you're already fully aware of that. With that said, I do like Aldonius in that he's adding some real intrigue and mystery to the plot, which is what I think we've been missing. He's filling us in on answers but raising more questions, which is great.

Regarding the conversation, I do wish that Cass had taken a more active role in actually questioning him, because while she's not as passive as she has been, she's still much less active than she could be. Cass went out to find Aldonius, got attacked by Rodet, got rescued, and now the explanation she's been looking for is basically falling into her lap - Aldonius is relaying it to her without even having to be asked. The only action she has taken in this series of events is to go out and find our mysterious hooded friend in the first instance, which I don't think is enough.

I'm spitballing here, but imagine if the scene had unfolded in another way. Imagine if Aldonius hadn't offered her an explanation, and if he'd tried to distance himself from her again - he's been doing that since their first encounter, so it's hardly out of character. Then, suddenly, Cass would have to pursue him. She'd have to worm the answers out of him somehow, fighting against all of her anxious instincts. Right now, we have a clear understanding of what Cass wants - to understand what's happening to her - but she's not (a) doing enough to get it and (b) meeting enough resistance. Aldonius just gives her what she seeks with no qualms, which takes a lot of tension from the scene and robs Cass of some cool character development. You need to push her more. Make the thing she dreads happen and make her get herself out of it.

That's my main concern for this chapter, but other than that, I felt like it was one of the most engaging instalments I've read so far. I particularly love the end and the revelation about Cass being a 'contracted' - it's giving me Darker Than Black vibes, though I have no idea if your notion of contracts is at all similar. Still, I'm really eager to find out more about that. Also, slight creepiness aside, I am really intrigued by this odd dynamic between Cass and Aldonius. I just can't wait to discover why she was so immediately drawn to him.

That's all for this one! Keep writing! :D

~Pan




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Sun Oct 28, 2018 3:26 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Green room!! Yes! :D

I forgot to mention this in my last review (your last line thing reminded me :p). I really like the us vs them you've started to set up - Rodent inherently not trusting Cass and justifying his actions because Cass is a "them".

Onwards to this chapter!

Remind me how old Aldonius is because I agree with Cass that his physical closeness to her in this chapter felt a little weird, especially considering they're strangers and up until now he's been avoiding her. If he's not close to the same age as her it's going to feel even weirder.

Cass makes the observation that he's not from Rey. How does she know this? Did someone tell her or did she figure it out on her own? If she figured it out on her own? How does she know? How can she be sure?

I thought that Cass learned things a little too easily in this chapter. Aldonius has been avoiding
Cass, I'm sure with good reason. Why does he all of a sudden want to talk to her about her world and other things? Why does he suddenly want to make her feel better about her magic and let her in on world secrets?

I'm wondering (this is torture your characters carlito coming out :p) if Cass needs to suffer more before finding out about the good parts of her magic. She wanted to find Aldonius and get info from him and she succeeded. I don't think she should succeed so fast. I want her to suffer more thinking she's this dark terrible thing and try to navigate that and then later find out this info Aldonius is going to give her so she can be like yaaaas and fully use her magic. Maybe Aldonius runs off right away, maybe he just refuses to tell her anything of consequence, I don't know, but I think he should still be mysterious. We're still pretty early in this.

I'm going to do one more and get all caught up tonight! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review!

I'm glad you're liking the dynamic I'm setting up! I was hoping people would notice that when reading through the story, and I'm hoping that I can continue to show you it as the story progresses.

Remind me how old Aldonius is because I agree with Cass that his physical closeness to her in this chapter felt a little weird, especially considering they're strangers and up until now he's been avoiding her. If he's not close to the same age as her it's going to feel even weirder.


His age is hard to tell, but he definitely appears to older than her.

I mentioned it in my response to Blue's review, but I really didn't think this part through. ^^" I'm going to have Cass being more wary of Aldonius in the next draft, and possibly include a line where Aldonius mentions that Cass reminds him of his nephew. I know that doesn't really fix how weird this scene is, but I promise that everything will make sense in future chapters.

I might draw out that mystery in the future drafts! I just need to see how the pacing for the rest of the novel goes - the mystery is only meant to be a part of the exposition. Cass is going to discover more about who her contracted is relatively soon, since the mystery isn't actually the main focus of the novel.

(I can't say anymore on what that focus is, since I haven't figured out a non-spoilerly way of saying it.)



Carlito says...


Haha no worries! Like I said in my last comment, once I have the whole context of the novel I feel like I'll be much more help about the overall pacing and things. I love me some mystery :)



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Wed Oct 17, 2018 1:02 pm
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“You're someone's contracted,” he said.


Oooh, intriguing.

So the first thing I want to get out of the way is that a lot of what Aldonius did physically made me kind of uncomfortable. Like I know since it's you writing that everything's fine, and I also know that it's supposed to be comforting based on this feeling Cass has, so maybe I'm only bothered by it because I don't have that feeling. But, I mean:

Aldonius watched her cry for another minute before he hesitantly embraced her.


The erratic breathing came to a sudden stop when she felt Aldonius begin to rub his hand on her back.


She finally succumbed to the urge when he reached his hand out to touch the cheek that Prince Rodet's vines had cut. She instinctively jerked back from his touch – not only did it hurt her wound, but it also was a strange breach of her personal space.


He looked down at her chest, then nodded.


I actually find it a little funny that she reacts more strongly to him touching the wound on her cheek than to him rubbing her back, because frankly I had the opposite reaction. But I also understand that it hurt when he touched her cheek. A n y w a y, I don't mind him embracing her too much, since a) she's crying and b) he's hesitant about it, although considering they haven't met properly yet something a little less invasive would be a little less uncomfortable. But him rubbing her back kind of freaked me out, as a woman seeing another woman getting a backrub from a strange man, tears or no tears, feeling or no feeling, even though, like I said, I know he's okay because this is you writing. Ditto him looking at her chest - I know he's not looking at it in a creepy way, but it's hard for me not to feel that way about it when I come across it.

(With that bit you could really just say "he nodded" and leave it at that, and it wouldn't feel icky.)

It just kind of feels like, like I know this isn't love at first sight because Cass doesn't roll that way (or at least if she does she's not interested because of her feelings for Aspen), but it feels like something some attractive guy could do to a girl who has fallen for him at first sight, and we're just supposed to accept that it's not creepy because he's attractive and she's in love with him. So even though it's not actually romantic here, it still has this "would be creepy if there weren't Feelings" vibe because Cass has these Feelings about Aldonius that just make it all right. And I think that's becoming something of a weakness with the importance of Feelings in this story, that we have to just accept things because of Feelings that we know the characters have but that we don't really feel as readers.

(Saying we don't really feel it isn't a reflection on you as a writer - it's just that since these feelings are mysterious and come from nowhere, there's inherently nothing to elicit them from the reader, you know?)

I'm hoping now that we have Aldonius here, we'll get more love for him ourselves without relying on Cass to tell us that things he does feel warm and safe. Like it was a really nice moment when he saved her from Rodet - and I like the way he told that she and Aspen were from somewhere else. Not because of their weird clothes or anything, but because of the look on their faces.

So I guess basically what I'm saying in short is that more of what Aldonius does in this chapter has to appeal to readers because it's kind, not because it makes Cass feel safe even though with any other stranger it'd be like, "Whoa, stranger danger!"

Also I just wanted to touch on the idea of souls, because the way they're spoken about here as being "a work of fiction" in our world is kind of weird to me? Just because a lot of people do believe in them and they're part of at least a few major religions. I'm not saying you have to do anything about that, but I thought I'd mention it because it was something I thought of while reading.




Mageheart says...


Thank you so much for your review!

Looking back at this chapter, I definitely can see the creep factor. I think it might have been something I picked up on when writing the scene, but I ended up ignoring my gut feeling because it felt like the right way to write the scene. I'll definitely have it so Cass feels a mixture of creeped out and comforted - which would definitely make for an interesting piece of juxtaposition.

And, God, I didn't even think of how negatively that part where he looks down at her chest could be taken. I was just trying to say he was looking at the locket without mentioning the actual locket - I guess that's why I should look this type of thing over before posting it. xD

Hopefully the future chapters are going to do a good job explaining why Aldonius acts the way he does - especially around Cass - but I think that's going to take awhile before that happens.

Although the Feelings should be getting an explanation next chapter!

Thanks again for pointing that out. <3



Mageheart says...


ALSO I forgot to reply to this part but the description of souls was bugging me too when I was trying to write the chapter. I was also rushing that part while heading off to school, so I didn't really have a chance to think of an alternative way of wording it. If you don't mind me asking, how would you explain what a soul is to someone like Aldonius?



BluesClues says...


Well, are you looking for a description of what a soul IS or how souls are viewed in our world? I guess if you're looking for a description of what it IS, it'd be like...a person's essence, or what makes them them? I guess? But if you're looking for how it's viewed in our world, well, it's viewed differently by different people, so maybe she'd have to clarify that some people don't believe in them at all but others believe that we have them and they're immortal or whatever.



Mageheart says...


Okay! Thanks! That fits what I was going for. My thoughts are that Cass is a lot like me when it comes to the ideas of souls - I know that other people believe in them, but, because of my religious views (or really my lack of them) I don't personally believe in them too much. My Monday, six o'clock in the morning self was having a little bit of trouble getting that across. xD



Mageheart says...


Okay! Thanks! That fits what I was going for. My thoughts are that Cass is a lot like me when it comes to the ideas of souls - I know that other people believe in them, but, because of my religious views (or really my lack of them) I don't personally believe in them too much. My Monday, six o'clock in the morning self was having a little bit of trouble getting that across. xD



Mageheart says...


Okay! Thanks! That fits what I was going for. My thoughts are that Cass is a lot like me when it comes to the ideas of souls - I know that other people believe in them, but, because of my religious views (or really my lack of them) I don't personally believe in them too much. My Monday, six o'clock in the morning self was having a little bit of trouble getting that across. xD



Mageheart says...


Okay! Thanks! That fits what I was going for. My thoughts are that Cass is a lot like me when it comes to the ideas of souls - I know that other people believe in them, but, because of my religious views (or really my lack of them) I don't personally believe in them too much. My Monday, six o'clock in the morning self was having a little bit of trouble getting that across. xD



Mageheart says...


Okay! Thanks! That fits what I was going for. My thoughts are that Cass is a lot like me when it comes to the ideas of souls - I know that other people believe in them, but, because of my religious views (or really my lack of them) I don't personally believe in them too much. My Monday, six o'clock in the morning self was having a little bit of trouble getting that across. xD



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FireSpyGirl says...



Hey!

So this is really good!! I really don't have anything to say, except maybe revise the ending a little bit? I just feel like more of a cliffhanger would be good, but that is just me. I tend to end chapters on a dramatic feel.
That is honestly all I noticed.
Again, Really, really good!!




Mageheart says...


Thank you for the advice and comment! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. <3




Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain