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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 5.4]

by Mageheart


Author's Note: I'm incredibly excited to have finished this chapter. In future drafts, I might try to draw out a scene where Aspen and Cass go to this world's version of a church, but I think the scene I have here works perfectly (for now) when it comes to teaching the reader and the characters about the main religion of Partex - that's the area of the fantasy world The Three Lockets takes place in.

Most importantly of all, with this chapter out of the way, I can officially get to the part that I've been waiting to write! Aldonius should be returning in the next chapter, and Cass should be finally making a Big Decision and begin thinking for herself.

All in all, some fun stuff is coming up! <3

Words: 1,726

Last Lines: "And I meant what I said earlier," Aspen added. She hopped back onto the bed and looked her in the eyes. "Your magic really is beautiful. I know Lira says that it's dangerous, but it doesn't feel that way. It felts warm and safe, like a nice big blanket being wrapped around me on a cold winter night. It felt like you."

Cass didn't know how to answer that.

So she didn't. She just gave a small nod, held Aspen's gaze for another moment, and then turned her attention to the rest of Lira's room. Aspen's comment made her cheeks feel warm and her heart skip a little beat; she was certain that her best friend could tell just how flustered she was by the compliment. Lira may have been more knowledgeable about magic, and was therefore more knowledgeable about Cass's magic, but hearing Aspen think so highly of her made her feel good.

"So now I guess we just have to wait for Lira," Aspen said. Cass was grateful that they were no longer discussing her magic. Out of the corner of her eye, Cass noticed Aspen doing a little stretch before hopping off of the bed. Aspen began to wander in and out of her view, humming quietly under her breath as she casually observed the few things on display. "What's your favorite thing about this so far, Cassie?"

Aspen plopped herself down on the rim of the fountain.

"My favorite thing's been all the magic," she continued, "and all the cool architecture. And the clothing styles, because they looked like they came right out of a fantasy show. And the girls, because they're really, really cute." She let out a dreamy sigh - the type where her shoulders dropped down as the breath left her, and her eyes twinkled in the way that Cass had always loved. "It's just so hard to choose when there's so many things I like."

Cass stared blankly at her.

Aspen pulled her legs up and gave her an eager grin. "Come on, Cassie! What do you like? There's got to be something."

There was, but she knew she couldn't say it. It didn't matter that Aspen had said that she accepted her; there were just some things she would have to keep to herself. She couldn't say that she loved how this place felt, and how, for the briefest of moments, she had felt a burst of joy when she saw Mr. Ream's face. She couldn't say that she liked the way she felt when she saw Aldonius - the strange surge of pride, the surge of happiness, the surge of it just feeling right.

Aspen wouldn't get it.

So she looked around for a moment, noticed a particularly interesting mural painted on Lira's wall, and said, "...I like the art."

"It is beautiful," Aspen agreed. When Cass peeked in her direction, she saw that Aspen was now looking in the direction of the mural. Cass quickly faced the mural once more, trying to notice anything that stood out so she could mention it when Aspen inevitably asked her about it. It didn't take long for her to realize how different this painting looked from the rest of the room.

Those paintings featured scenes from what she knew had to be places throughout the town; this one featured two distinct groups of people. The first were bathed in a soft white light that radiated off of their skin, and the other could barely be called people. Any inch of their bodies not covered by clothes and hair were completely covered in dark scales. And those weren't the only differences. There were angelic wings to the first group and draconic to the second. While the first group stood proudly in front of a magnificent castle, the other cowered away in dark woods composed of gnarled, twisted trees. While the first group had proud, happy expression on their faces, the draconic ones had their faces contorted in looks of hatred and disgust.

Something about the painting made Cass frown, but she couldn't put her finger on what. She absentmindedly raised a hand up and fiddled with her locket. As she tried her best to ignore the faces of the people so clearly being shunned, she noticed a peculiar symbol hanging on a banner above the angelic beings. It was a square nestled within a circle. Nothing else adorned it, but the sight of the symbol made her stomach twist and turn in discomfort.

She had seen it before. That was what the feeling told her. It told her more than that, too. It told her that the design could never possibly mean anything good, and she had the strangest urge to change the picture - add a little triangle to overlap the square, and then suddenly it would be okay. Not only that, but the thought of the image would fill her with a joy that bizarrely reminded her of the feeling she got whenever she looked at her pride flag.

"Hey, Lira!" Aspen cheerfully said.

Cass frantically spun around and stared, wide-eyed, at Lira; she had been too focused on the painting to even notice that Lira had entered the room. Even more startling was what was behind her: a thick glob of water was supporting a very large basket filled with an array of colorful clothing. The water gently placed the basket down on Lira's bed beside Cass, then faded into the floor as its owner crossed the room.

"Hi," Lira said. She had a pleasant expression on her face, despite her earlier eagerness to leave the room. Lira slowly looked between Cass and Aspen, then over at the painting that they had been staring at. Her face quickly grew red, but Cass only had a handful of seconds to notice the change - Lira almost immediately ducked her head down when she realized they had been looking at it.

"Did you paint that?" Aspen asked, raising a finger and gesturing at the painting. "It's gorgeous."

Lira shifted uncomfortably. "I did. Thank you," she meekly said. She hesitantly raised her head up. "I usually paint scenic things, but I wanted to try something different, and I've never done something for the gods before. It really does look okay?"

Aspen eagerly nodded. "Definitely! It reminds me a lot of some of the religious art back home. Right, Cassie?"

Cass stared at Lira for a moment, then managed a nod of her own. "It looks like something that would be in a cathedral," she quietly added, giving Lira a smile of her own. Those strange feelings might have made her dislike what was being shown, but she could easily imagine it being on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Lira leaned up against the end of the bed. "I-I'm glad that you like it. The only other people who have seen it so far are my dad and Rodet, and neither one of them are much for art."

Aspen frowned at this comment, but didn't say anything. She just turned her attention back to the mural and pointed at the banner. "What's the symbol on there?"

Even before Lira spoke, Cass knew the answer.

"It's the symbol of the gods," Lira said. Her face was graced by a smile, and she walked over to the painting. She rested a slender hand up against it. "Does Kansas not have gods like we do here?"

"We've got a lot of gods in Kansas," Aspen confidently replied. Cass didn't even try to point out that they weren't really from Kansas this time; Aspen seemed to have her heart set on continuing the joke. "Our world has more religions than you could possibly imagine - Christainity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Shinto, Islam, Judaism, and countless more - but none of them use a symbol like that."

"We only have one set of gods here," Lira said, her gaze returning to the painting. "They're the reason for everything you could possibly imagine - the magic, our souls and even our civilization come from them." She hesitated. "At least, that's what some of the more...dedicated believe. I'm not sure if I believe that much about them."

She looked down at the draconic people.

"And those are the fallen down below," she said. "They're the gods who have strayed from the path of what is right and good, and have been cast out of Caelum for it. While gods help humans, the fallen take pleasure in causing us harm. It's said that's why you should run if you ever encounter one."

Aspen opened her mouth - probably to question how they could possibly run into one of the fallen gods - but Cass cut her off before she could even begin to speak.

She raised a finger and pointed at the symbol that Lira's hand was currently covering.

"What if you added a triangle?" she quietly asked.

Lira stared at her. "...Excuse me?"

"What if you added a triangle?" Cass repeated, a little louder than before. "What if you added a triangle on top of the square, but still had it so it was within the circle?"

Lira's gaze dropped down to underneath her bed, then up to Cass - only to come to a stop when she saw the locket dangling around her neck. "That's the symbol of Telorum." She furrowed her brow. "It represents the fallen. Telorum worships them-Wait, why are you asking about that? How did you even know about that design-"

"I was just curious," Cass answered, her gaze dropping down to the ground as she mumbled the words. She knew Aspen would be looking at her with worry, and Lira would likely be looking at her with a growing suspicion. The more that she learned about this world - and the more she learned about Telorum - the more Cass was understanding that she was somehow tied to it. She had a golden locket. She had darkness magic. She knew about Telorum's official symbol. How long could she lie to herself and say that she had nothing to do with it?

She took a deep breath to steady herself.

"Where's your bathroom?" she said, her voice tense and shaking. "I-I really need to go." She wasn't going to cry again. Not when Aspen had just spent the past five minutes comforting her, and not when Lira had just returned. She had to be strong like Aspen. If she was going to cry, she was going to have to do it away from these two.

Aspen hurried to her feet. "Cassie-"

"It's right down the hallway," Lira interrupted. Cass managed a small nod and got to her feet. Without raising her head, she began to head over towards the door. "It should be the last door to the left."

"Thanks," she quietly said. She tried her best to hold back her tears until she had reached the safety of the bathroom, but they began to fall the moment she slipped out into the hallway.


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Sun Oct 28, 2018 1:56 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!! :D

I like this slow build that sweet little Cass is going to end up being some level of bad or evil ;)

I agree with what Blue said about their feelings. They seem to go in extremes - either happy joyful this is so great and fun and cool, or terrified/devastated. And Cass especially seems to flip flop a lot about whether Aspen understands her or not and whether Aspen is being a friend or not.

I'm not convinced we need the beginning part about them talking about what they like and don't like about this new world they've found themselves in. It felt like a transition.

I'm also not convinced that we need the religion information in this scene either. This is already shaping up to be on the longer end, word count wise, for a chapter (which, your chapters can be as long as you want!) but if you were looking forward to getting through this part so you could get to a more exciting part, that's a sign that you may not need this scene.

I think the religion info is important and interesting for world-building, but is this the scene to introduce it? I felt like the point of bringing up the religious component was to show Cass's connection to Telorum and another dark thing that will set her apart. I think that will be an important distinction, I'm not convinced we need it now. I think there have been enough hints and signs in this chapter already that Cass is different and there is an underlying darkness there. I think you could easily leave this part out (for now) and let the reader digest what has already been discovered.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention, and I'll get on over to the next segment :D




Mageheart says...


Thank you for the review!

I'm hoping that I'll be able to avoid the flip-flopping of the feelings in the future chapters - I'm guessing it's so much of a problem right now because I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I want characters to be like.

I admit I forgot to mention that Aspen was asking that question to distract Cass! She knew her best friend wasn't in a good state of mind, and wanted her to think of something else. Do you think that it's a good thing to keep in if I make it clear in the next draft that Aspen's doing it to be a good friend?

I didn't think of it in that way originally, but I can definitely see how the religious component adds to that! My original reason for including it now was so I could set up the scene with Aldonius in the next couple of chapters, but it definitely does seem like overboard when it's put in the same chapter as Cass's magic. I'll try to at least separate those parts into two separate chapters in the next part!



Carlito says...


Trying to distract her makes sense. You could still do that, but maybe shorten it by having Aspen direct Cass's attention to the painting to distract her?



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Wed Oct 03, 2018 6:27 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, so not to beat a dead horse with a stick, but I just want to reinforce the point I made a couple chapters ago about Aspen crying because they're not sure if they can get home yet or whatever: she's so cheerful and upbeat in this chapter, and so incredibly focused on "wow, this is exciting/wow, what an adventure/hey, what's your favorite part" that it contrasts all the more with that super-unexpected crying jag. This is much more what I expect of Aspen.

It really bums me out that Cass is still convinced Aspen won't understand the way this world feels right to her. Like, I get that Aspen fits in better than Cass in general, but surely she understands that feeling of just suddenly feeling like you belong somewhere? And I know her behavior has pointed toward, well, Cass being right, that she won't understand, but at the same time she was so supportive and lovely in the last installment that I feel like Cass just really needs to throw it out there and work harder to make herself understood.

the image would fill her with a joy that bizarrely reminded her of the feeling she got whenever she looked at her pride flag.


Oh my God, this is the gayest chapter.

#stampofapproval

It weirds me out a little bit that Cass wanting a triangle on top of the square/circle symbol is treated as, like, her knowing Telorum's symbol? Like I get that *Lira* would think that, but Cass didn't seem, like, dead-set on a triangle. She was just disturbed by the symbol that was there and wanted to change it somehow to make it different and more comfortable. So I feel like I either a) need her to go "wait, no, look, it can be anything, I'm not SET on a triangle" or b) need her to really feel the appeal specifically of a triangle prior to this point so that it feels more like another weird connection. Because right now it feels more like she's disturbed by the gods' symbol and just wants to change it any way so it's not as disturbing, as opposed to wanting to change it a specific way that turns out to be in keeping with Telorum's symbol, if that makes sense.

I wasn't going to bring this up, but I'm going to because I also thought of it and Pan already did. The "we only have one set of gods" thing. If that's for the whole world, it seems a little off. If it's just this one country--since Lira probably thinks of Kansas as a single nation or something, rather than an entire world--it's a little better, particularly if Lira's maybe just a bit naive about the diversity of her world's beliefs. But if it is meant to be the whole world, it seems really strange--again, unless Lira's literally just 100% clueless, but then I don't know how you'd show us that. Although I guess, given Lira's apparently simplified view of the gods and the fallen, it's not out of the realm of believability that she's limited in knowledge.




Mageheart says...


Thank you so much for your review!

This is much more what I expect of Aspen.


Yay!

Oh my God, this is the gayest chapter.


finger guns

Because right now it feels more like she's disturbed by the gods' symbol and just wants to change it any way so it's not as disturbing, as opposed to wanting to change it a specific way that turns out to be in keeping with Telorum's symbol, if that makes sense.


It does! I definitely need to work on that more in the next draft.

I wasn't going to bring this up, but I'm going to because I also thought of it and Pan already did. The "we only have one set of gods" thing. If that's for the whole world, it seems a little off.


I actually just explained why she thinks that way over in my reply to Pan's review, so I'll just quote my explanation because I'm happy with how it turned out:

There's actually two reasons for this, both of which I unfortunately didn't include in this chapter because one of them is a new idea of mine and the other is one that I touched on in the lms thread but haven't gotten a chance to mention in this. That first reason is that Lira has actually met a god before, though I'm currently unsure of how many times. (This is the one that I came up with literally right after I posted this chapter.) The other reason is that the area she's from - Partex - is surrounded by geographic features that make it really hard to get to other parts of the world, so her view of the world is basically what's in Partex.



BluesClues says...


Okay, yeah, I think if we learn that Lira's worldview is really limited then this'll make more sense! Her meeting a god I think is a little less, like, less of a point, I guess? Since, like, if she knows there are multiple gods but she's only met one, and assuming the gods in this world can be super full of ulterior motives like Greco-Roman gods, then I...don't...really consider that proof that there's only one set of gods?

(I feel like I explained that badly but hopefully you get what I mean.)



Mageheart says...


I get what you mean!!



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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Saen! Just dropping in for the gay to review this chapter while it's still in the Green Room.

Small Comments

"What's your favorite thing about this so far, Cassie?"

Aspen plopped herself down on the rim of the fountain.


Even though I am totally down for Aspen using this question to drop that she loves all the cute girls, this feels like a pretty insensitive question given that Cass has just been bawling her eyes out at (a) their inability to get home and (b) the fact that she has darkness magic and Lira is afraid of her. She's had a pretty tough time so far. I'm not saying you have to delete this bit or anything, but I'd like you to show an awareness that she's being tactless. It's a good and believable flaw for Aspen to have.

She couldn't say that she liked the way she felt when she saw Aldonius - the strange surge of pride, the surge of happiness, the surge of it just feeling right.

Aspen wouldn't get it.


I liked this, though. It's interesting that the best things that have happened since she got here are the things she doesn't feel able to share with Aspen.

there were angelic wings to the first group and draconic to the second.


'To' just doesn't feel like the right preposition here. I'd go with something like 'the first group had angelic wings, the second draconic'. Or if you wanted to play about with the verbs and sentence structure more, maybe: 'angelic wings sprouted from the shoulder blades of the first group, draconic wings from those of the second.'

"Our world has more religions than you could possibly imagine - Christainity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Shinto, Islam, Judaism, and countless more - but none of them use a symbol like that."

"We only have one set of gods here," Lira said


In their whole world?? That seems strange. I'd understand it if Aspen had said they had a lot of different religions in their country (because America is obviously a melting pot), but the idea of a whole world believing in the same faith is rather odd. Then again, it could be Lira's limited world view. Or maybe the gods are just more obviously active in this world, so there's less disagreement about whether they exist and who they are. That would explain it.

Overall Thoughts

I liked this chapter! I wasn't really expecting to enjoy the discussion of the religion because we've already had a lot of exposition, but there was a really nice tension to the conversation when Cass brought up the symbol and Lira got suddenly suspicious. You've managed to make it so the exposition is in the scene, but isn't the point of the scene, if you get what I mean. The crucial part of that conversation was learning that Cass is undeniably tied to Telorum (I keep pronouncing it as 'tet-rol-eum' in my head for some reason, like 'petroleum'), but we got some cool worldbuilding information alongside that revelation. That's how exposition is best delivered, in my opinion, so good on you.

One thing to work on is making the depiction of the fallen less transparently unreliable. I'm not even remotely convinced by Lira's biases, and I don't think that's just because I have prior knowledge about the story. Take this part:

"They're the gods who have strayed from the path of what is right and good, and have been cast out of Caelum for it. While gods help humans, the fallen take pleasure in causing us harm.


To me, this just screams misguided propaganda, and that's mainly because there's no specificity to her claims. She says that the fallen are bad and evil and want to hurt people, but she doesn't detail any actual examples of when that's happened. I think it would be more convincing and more dissonant for the reader if she talked about a particular fallen that had committed atrocities - presumably there must be stories of what they did to be cast out, same as we have the story of Lucifer. Her claims would be so much more believable if we knew why she thought they were true. Specificity would make it more likely for Cass and Aspen to take on her beliefs, as well.

Another great thing about this chapter is the subtle shift in Cass's character. She's still close to tears, but she's actually making the decision to separate herself and deal with her emotions on her own. While I don't think isolation is the best technique for the poor kid, it's a great way to show her trying to get a handle on things and toughen up. It feels like she's becoming more active already, even though it's a very slight change.

Any last thoughts? Only that I'm really, really excited to see where this goes. Cass clearly can't keep ignoring her strange links to Telorum, but Lira is so deeply suspicious that it would be dangerous for her to inquire about it. She might feel like she doesn't want to jeapordise her and Aspen's safety, as well, given that they're completely reliant on Lira for food and shelter. But I hope that Lira doesn't let this go and that the weirdness creates some real conflict. It would be so interesting to see Cass trying to balance discovering more about Telorum with keeping in Lira's good books. The fact that Lira welcomed her and Aspen into her home so readily felt rather plot-convenient at first, so I hope you take the opportunity to wring some suspense out of it. Anything that is hugely helpful to your characters should hinder them at some point as well, I think.

That's all for this review! Hope it helped.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Mageheart says...


Thank you so much for your review!

She's had a pretty tough time so far. I'm not saying you have to delete this bit or anything, but I'd like you to show an awareness that she's being tactless. It's a good and believable flaw for Aspen to have.


Now that I'm looking back at the line, I realize I forgot to include something that Aspen was supposed to mention! She was asking the question because she wanted to distract Cass, but I couldn't find the right place to slip that in and I guess I just completely left it out.

In their whole world?? That seems strange. I'd understand it if Aspen had said they had a lot of different religions in their country (because America is obviously a melting pot), but the idea of a whole world believing in the same faith is rather odd. Then again, it could be Lira's limited world view. Or maybe the gods are just more obviously active in this world, so there's less disagreement about whether they exist and who they are. That would explain it.


There's actually two reasons for this, both of which I unfortunately didn't include in this chapter because one of them is a new idea of mine and the other is one that I touched on in the lms thread but haven't gotten a chance to mention in this. That first reason is that Lira has actually met a god before, though I'm currently unsure of how many times. (This is the one that I came up with literally right after I posted this chapter.) The other reason is that the area she's from - Partex - is surrounded by geographic features that make it really hard to get to other parts of the world, so her view of the world is basically what's in Partex.

Her claims would be so much more believable if we knew why she thought they were true. Specificity would make it more likely for Cass and Aspen to take on her beliefs, as well.


Oooh, gotcha! I'll make sure to come up with something for that, and have other characters reference it, too.

The fact that Lira welcomed her and Aspen into her home so readily felt rather plot-convenient at first, so I hope you take the opportunity to wring some suspense out of it. Anything that is hugely helpful to your characters should hinder them at some point as well, I think.


;)

Thanks again for your review!! It was very helpful.




Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
— Mark Twain