Chapter 4
Cass kept her head down and her locket hidden as Lira brought them through the bustling streets to where her father was. She was sure that all attention was on the mayor's daughter and her unusual friends; after all, their clothing didn't match hers in the slightest. The giant backpack she was carrying probably didn't help. They were outsiders. She had no idea if Rey was an area for this world's tourists. Even if it was, Cass doubted those tourists looked anything like her or Aspen. It was clear to all that they passed that they were outsiders, and, from the few expressions she had caught out of the corner of her eye, the reception wasn't all that pleasant.
Lira tried to alleviate some of the growing tension by pointing out important town landmarks, but it barely helped. Cass refused to look up even when Aspen let out excited gasps. To do so would risk catching Aspen's gaze; Cass wouldn't be able to handle a repeat of the look she had received earlier.
Walking through those crowded streets, Cass was overcome by the overwhelming feeling that she was truly alone. Aspen was the only person who could have understood her – should have understood her – and even she was unable to comprehend what Cass was experiencing. It had been a long time since she had felt so hopelessly alienated from everyone around her. Being with Aspen had made her forget just how painful it could be.
Now, all that she could think of was all the times she had eaten alone. All the times she had worked alone on group projects because she could never find a group. All the times she had watched her peers from the back of the room, desperately wishing to be a part of the friendships she knew she would never be accepted in. All the times she had slipped through students clustered at lockers in the hallways, dreaming of the day shewould be a part of those groups-
And then she thought of Aldonius.
The memories of her school life faded. She found herself savoring the brief moment where they had locked eyes. For those handful of seconds, everything had suddenly felt right. The strange feelings of recognition had been weak up until that point, but this one had been different. It was like she was looking at another part of herself, even though such a thought was absurd.
It wasn't love. She knew what love felt like. All she had to do was look up at Aspen to remind herself of that. No, she wasn't in love with Aldonius. This was something entirely different, and it scared her to not know what that something was. Especially when it had such an effect over her – thinking of Aldonius, the dreams and everything made her feel like a completely different person.
She absentmindedly lifted her locket out from underneath her t-shirt and fingered it.
“We're here,” Lira said.
Cass finally looked up.
They were standing before an absolutely enormous building, the likes of which Cass had never seen before. It sprawled down nearly the entirety of the block. Beautiful iron gates rose up before the building, ivy curling around the metal rods and up the brick walls of the house - if it could even be called that. There was a small group of mansions on the very end of their town. Cass had always seen them on the bus ride to school each morning. This building, miraculously enough, managed to somehow be nearly double the size of even the largest mansions. It became all the more impressive when Cass noticed the guards stationed outside of the front door and the gates themselves. The fanciful swords resting at their sides glinted in the bright rays of the afternoon sun. Their uniforms were incredibly pristine, and were in brilliant shades of turquoise and gold.
"So I'm guessing your dad is the mayor, then?" Aspen said.
Cass still refused to look in Aspen's direction. Instead, she took to watching Lira. The young woman had another warm smile on her face as she nodded, and she eagerly led the two of them down the stone pathway to the front doors of the house. The guards all acknowledged her with slight nods of their heads, their gazes lingering on Cass and Aspen. It was only when they entered the building that Cass realized she had taken the locket out again. She frantically put it back underneath her shirt, falling into step behind the limping Aspen as Lira led them down a seemingly endless spiral of hallways.
"He hates being in his office at this time of day," Lira informed them as they passed a gigantic room that was filled with elaborate paintings and what were undoubtedly priceless artifacts. She gave a cheerful wave at the two guards standing in front of the door, who, in turn, greeted her with waves of their own.
Cass took all this in with wide, incredulous eyes. The interior of the mansion was just as impressive as its exterior. She couldn't believe that someone could afford to live in a place like this, though she guessed some part of it must have been paid for by the kingdom. Still, it was one of the most expensive places she had ever seen in her life, and that was enough to amaze her.
To make things even more incredible, she couldn't remember ever having walked through these halls. Everything up until this point had felt like déjà vu. The moment she had put her foot down on the path that led up to the building, the recognition had disappeared. She took comfort in that. If the streets of Rey grew overwhelming, she could find shelter in this place - a place that Lira, who had shown her the most acceptance since they had arrived, lived in. She decided right then and there that this place was going to be her home away from home on this strange new world, even though she had no idea how long she would be stuck here.
Lira led them through yet another doorway. Unlike the ones before it, this one opened up into an absolutely breathtaking courtyard. Plants that she had never seen before lined the walls that they walked by, and decorated the sides of the wooden paths that Lira began to take them down. Several other paths cut through the gardens, eventually forming a circle around the small pond in the very center. The sole person there was sitting on one of the elaborate wooden benches placed around the pond; Cass immediately knew this man had to be Lira's father.
They came to a stop only a few feet away from the man.
Lira waited a moment. When her father didn't move, she cleared her throat.
This caught his attention.
"You're back early today, Liri," he said, slowly rising from his seat.
"Well," Lira started, looking back at Cass and Aspen and giving them a grin, "Rodet and I met some travelers that I think you'll be interested in."
Her father turned.
It took a second for the face to register, but then Cass uttered a surprised gasp. The feeling of recognition had suddenly bombarded her again, this time accompanied by a whole host of feelings that she couldn't explain. Anger. Sadness. Love. Betrayal. None of them made any sense, yet they all seemed to fit with the man she was looking at. Aspen glanced behind, worry flickering across her face as their eyes met. Cass almost pulled her aside and told her what was wrong, but knew that it would amount to nothing. Aspen wouldn't understand.
It was pointless to even try telling her.
So Cass bit her tongue, ducked her head back down, and waited for Lira's father to address them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hold on. Kartiel. Is Lira's father. Is Kartiel the same Kartiel in 'Two Worlds Come Together'? Does that mean he's hiding another secret in the RP? *squints* Or maybe that has nothing to do with this...
Wait whoops. I confused Kartiel with Mr. Mayor.
I meant Kartiel though.
Good guess! This is actually another Kartiel, but with a backstory heavily inspired by the one you know.
I've been meaning to reply to your reviews/comments before now, but thank you so much for reading this book! I definitely see what you've been saying about it being repetitive - it's actually one of the reasons I stopped writing the novel when I did. I did it as part of lms, but because I kept taking breaks in between each submission, I'd struggle to remember where I was when I was writing the story last. I think the book is about 70k at the point I stopped at, but the majority of the story still hadn't been told.
Ah I see.
You should definitely continue it!! I'm sure you'll be able to keep the repetitiveness out of the way now. And anyways... I'm your biggest fan and you don't wanna disappoint your fans, do ya? *waggle eyebrows*
Jk, no pressure. ^-^
I definitely will someday!
I don't have the inspiration to write it right now, and I actually have another writing project I'm working on, but I really like the world I made in this story.
Yay! Keep in mind I'll definitely be reading it.
Is it the Beauty and the Beast one you're working on or is it one of your other novel ideas?
Hi again, Sae! I'm catching up steadily. I'm going to be sad when I have to wait for this weekly like everyone else!
Small Comments
...And where is that? A house? A government building? 'To where her father was' doesn't really help me picture the scene.
Ooh, this stung. I'm guessing Cass didn't have a whole host of friends before meeting Aspen, then?
This definitely strengthens my Cass-lived-here-once-but-can't-remember-it theory. Could Aldonius be a relative? Or just a friend she can't remember?
This seems to be a writing tic of yours - you're always telling us Cass has never seen certain things before, or that she's seen them rarely. There's nothing wrong with it every once in a while, but you overuse it a bit.
This is kind of presumptuous! She's not got any guarantee that Lira will let her stay there, even if she has been kind so far. And there's still the father to consider.
How could she tell? This could've been an excellent opportunity to describe both him and Lira. You could've highlighted their similar features, showing us that they were related without telling us directly.
Why did he only react when she spoke - surely he could see them approaching? Unless they came up behind the bench? Maybe clarify that if it's the case.
Overall Thoughts
That's a really interesting end! The mixture of both love and betrayal...I'd bet money that Lira's father was a part of Cass's past - and I'm still sticking with my she's-not-from-Earth theory. Lira's father is supposed to know a lot about the lockets, right? This is wild conjecture, but I do wonder if he's some how responsible for them disappearing into another world. I've no idea if that matches up, timeline-wise - the lockets might have vanished before his time, for all I know. But I've got my beady eye on this man. I don't trust him yet.
One small critique, though, is that you could be less transparent about the emotions that Cass feels. I've two reasons for this. First, it's just not that evocative - it's telling rather than showing, because you're not really delving into how any of those emotions feel. Second, it sort of feels inorganic. If Cass has been taken by surprise and she's unable to explain or articulate the reasons for her emotions, I find it highly unlikely that she'd be able to pinpoint what those emotions are with such precision. Heck, emotions can be hard to make sense of at the best of times. Anxiety and excitement are pretty much the same feeling, physically, so she'd probably struggle to know which she was feeling, especially in the absence of context. That's why I think it would be better to describe the feeling rather than just stating the emotion it corresponds to. If you still want to create unease in the reader's head, you could say that her heart tightened at the sight of him - but then she fought the urge to recoil, or her skin bristled with heat. That'd be enough to suggest that she has mixed emotions without being too blatant.
A lot of the other reviewers have touched on things about the description of the castle and Cass being a bit melodramatic about Aspen not understanding her, so I'll centre my next point on something I've forgotten to mention thus far. The appearance of Lira's dad got me wondering - what about Cass and Aspen's parents? These gals have been wandering around this parallel world for what must be a few hours now, and yet neither of them have had any kind of family-related freakout. Come to think of it, I'm shocked that, of all the questions they've asked Lira so far, they've not thought to ask her how they get back to their own world. Presumably they have people they care about on earth? As well as responsibilities and stuff? I'd expect it to be one of the first questions they had. You could've used that as a good incentive for Cass and Aspen to meet Lira's father, actually. At the moment, they're just going to talk to him out of general curiosity, which seems pretty reckless considering that Lira is a stranger. But if Lira's father is knowledgeable about the lockets, it's perfectly feasible that he might have some idea how they'd use them to get home again. Maybe Lira could offer to take Cass and Aspen to him because she doesn't have any answers herself. Even if Lira's dad turned out not to have a clue, it would still serve as a decent motivator and a way to link Cass and Aspen to Lira. I don't know. It's a thought.
But yes, I am very surprised how little we know about their lives and families. Don't skimp on telling us what they've left behind. It's the kind of thing that could be crucial for their motivations as the story goes on.
I'll call the review here because it's half past midnight where I am and I'm getting tremendously sleepy. I don't want this to devolve into a hopeless ramble, but I hope I gave you enough to think about.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey Sae, continuing my attempt to catch up with LMS chapters xD
Nit-picks:
Something about "enough" here feels a bit like you, the author, are justifying the amazement of Cass, the character, to me, the reader. It's like talking about "earning stakes"; it just sounds a bit like technical writer-speak.
Does she know at this point that she'll be spending any extended period of time there at all?
In a deja vu way or do they look alike?
Overall:
Oooh that's an interesting ending! I'm starting to wonder if maybe she's been here in some sort of past life, but then you throw in details like the house not feeling like a memory, which undoes some of my theories. Then the specificity of those listed emotions makes me think that she must have in some way met this man before, but that's impossible, so I'm generally just loving the suspense here.
I think the Aspen stuff is a little confusing, due to the fact that she did seem to understand the very vague thing that Cass said about the dreams. Does Cass not find it weird that she hasn't been able to empathise about anything since? Maybe Aspen was just saying that to make Cass feel less weird...
Sidenote: your work on the setting is excellent.
Lastly, I really like the Aldonius stuff. It's good to have specific things we can hook into and feel as a tangible plot. This is definitely what I was looking for when I commented on stuff being too vague, so excellent job taking that feedback into account!
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hello again!!


So I don't fully remember what Aspen did that was so terrible, but Cass's reaction at the beginning felt a little melodramatic to me. They have a pretty long-standing friendship and there's a lot of trust and rapport and everything between them. Not that friends can't fight or have rough patches, but it feels weird to me that Cass is having such a strong reaction to what, to me, felt like a relatively minor issue.
Now the way you described her feelings and how it took her back to eating lunch alone and all of that - fab. I definitely felt for her and totally understood her feelings and it definitely fits into her anxious profile. But, all of those feelings felt out of proportion to the situation to me.
I'm also not sure why the girls were invited to Lira's house and why they agreed to go. I mean, for plot obviously :p But Cass has already decided Lira is a friend but she met her five seconds ago and she's still in an unfamiliar world where she's not 100% sure what's going on or why she's there. Sure, she feels these glimmers of recognition, but I would assume her anxiety would be going nuts over Lira and where am I and can I trust anyone and could this be a trap, etc. rather than Aspen.
It was sort of hinted at in this segment (and you mentioned it on your wall) that there will be gay stuff coming. Does that mean there is going to be a love connection between Cass and Aspen???
I'm still waiting to see what the next big plot development is going to be. I feel like we've been in flux since they arrived in this new world and we're waiting for the next big moment/reveal. Perhaps it'll come later this chapter!! Looking forward to reading on and seeing where this goes, as always. And as always let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
Thanks for the review!
The thing that you're remembering from last chapter is how Cass recognized a complete stranger, and Aspen didn't react in the way that she had hoped she would. What I was aiming for with this chapter was that Cass would feel upset and alone because the one person who really understood her couldn't understand all the weird stuff she really needed someone else to understand, but I'm not sure if I was able to do that well or not.
I didn't think about the house thing. I'll definitely work on that in the second draft! It shouldn't be that hard to fix up. My train of thought is that Lira is the first person they've met, and they don't really have anywhere else to go in the current moment.
There was, actually! It was a really minor comment, but it was in the part where Cass is thinking about Aldonius. She mentions how she knows it's not love, and then says that "all she had to do was look up at Aspen to remind herself of that".
Thanks again for the review!
You're so welcome!

That makes sense and I bet if I had read chapter 3 and chapter in succession without a break between it wouldn't have jumped out at me as much
I am here for the queer
*google voice* did you mean a castle
Like overall you do a decent job giving us an idea of this building - the gardens, the guards - but it sounds like a castle, at least a small one, and presumably Cass knows about castles, so it was weird to me that she was thinking along the lines of "wow, this is like a mansion, but way bigger than the mansions I'm used to seeing" rather than something more like, "omg, an honest-to-God castle."
Aspen's question confuses me because they already know Lira's dad is the mayor, right? I'm pretty sure we already know that. Maybe it was meant to be another funny line from her, but I don't think it really worked in that case.
10/10 for Liri! I know I was there when Raye (was it Raye? I think so) came up with that nickname for you, and I know I was like "yeah, that sounds good," but actually seeing it in action is fantastic. It immediately sounds like a sweet nickname leftover from childhood.
wait a minute is Lira's father Kartiel
That would be fascinating and angsty, although with all of Cass' feelings about people and places in this world, I think you're in danger of destroying a lot of suspense and twistiness because we'll always know who's going to turn out to be bad news. That said, I really like the way you drew this out here, because I'm already attached to Lira. So the possibility of her father being Kartiel or otherwise bad news is really intriguing. Still, just be aware of the potential to overdo it by having Cass feel all these feelings about everything.
I know I already said this on Discord, but thank you so so so much for this review! I'm feeling pretty terrible right now because my body has decided it doesn't like me, so it really cheered my spirits to see your review.
I am also here for the queer
Okay, so I was originally going to reply to this and say that it wasn't meant to be a castle because Rey has one for the royalty, but I just realized that I know what I can say instead of a castle. This place is a palace.
Why didn't I think of that sooner?See, this is why you don't try writing your lms entry last minute, kids.The mayor thing was kind of mentioned? I mentioned Lira being the kid of the mayor, but forgot to mention it was her dad - so I had Aspen bring it up as kind of a "whoa" moment.
You have no idea how much that phrase makes me grin.
It'll be revealed in the next chapter, but he's not.
You have no idea how much that theory made me laugh, though - it'll be hilarious once you know more context.Thanks for the warning! I'll try my best to avoid that.
Also, thanks again for your review!
Howdy again!
I'm really happy that this isn't an insta-love situation, but I still feel that even mentioning that it could be in the realm of possibility is slightly cringey.
Oooh this is really good. It makes total sense that this is a very attractive reward for Cass, to feel like a different person than the one she is. Nicely done .
I think there's some conflicting imagery here, relating to the building's size. "Absolutely enormous" instantly puts me in the realm of palaces and castles. But then you diminished this by saying the building wasn't even the size of two large mansions? This, coupled with the fact that the supporting descriptions were kinda generic, I'm really not sure what to imagine here.
I'm almost positive this was already confirmed.
I found it bizarre that she is already making long-term plans to stay in Rey. Why has she given up getting home so quickly?
But why? Is he wearing a sign? A number #1 Dad shirt?
***
Overall comments:
First of all, where has all the magic gone? If they walked through a medieval market and saw every peasant and their cat using magic, then I'd definitely expect more of this when they're walking through the most regal building in Rey.
Something that's also bothering me is the extreme lack of consistency. Between Cass's constantly on and off again feelings of deja vu and her repeated falling out with Aspen, I'm finding it hard to find solid ground within this story. This isn't entirely your fault really, because Cass is a very turbulent introvert and the mysterious memory glitches are also inconsistent by their very nature - you have a lot to juggle all at once and this is rebounding onto me as a reader, at times I have no idea where to turn my head and what to focus on.
I'm going to give you first draft privileges with the castle/palace/mansion descriptions, you can flesh that out in later drafts. I just want you to be aware that at current you're trying to give the reader the feeling that this building is vast and spectacular but you're doing little to sell this. To illustrate my point, I'm going to go back and isolate the descriptions so that you see the level of information you are giving your readers.
This is pretty much every description you've provided to guide the reader's imagination. There is a lack of specific detail, which is the most important part. Readers latch on to detail. Detail makes your story memorable. Detail sets your story apart. Beautiful iron gates? What makes them beautiful? Elaborate paintings, how so? What kind of artifacts? All of these things are necessary to clue the reader into context, culture, history, tone, but I'm left yearning for all of those aspects. This was a fantastic opportunity for world-building, and I should be left with some kind of feeling like "omg that's a great setting for things to happen".
Again, first draft privellages. ^_^
-Zoom
Thanks for the review!
That's understandable! There were just a couple of people who reviewed the last chapter that thought it might be the case, and I wanted to make it immediately clear that Cass has no love for Aldonius.
The mayor thing was kind of confirmed? I mentioned Lira being the kid of the mayor, but forgot to mention it was her dad - so I had Aspen bring it up as kind of a "whoa" moment.
Whoops. I was worried about that part, too, but just forgot to go back and edit it. ^^"
I was guessing it would just be inferred, since she led them to him?
Cass had her head down right up until they arrived at the mansion, so she wasn't getting a chance to look.
Thanks for the comments with the description. I struggle with that a lot, and I've been told in the past that the few times where I've tried building it out more have just made things worse, so I'll try working on that in future drafts.
Hi there Sae! Niteowl here to review.
So...I know I'm jumping in in the middle of this, but I'm going to do my best to give useful feedback anyway.
What I do like is how we spend a lot of time in Cass's head. I feel like I'm getting to know her just from reading a lot of filler in the beginning as they're moving through the town. The paragraph about feeling like an outsider at school--oof, right in the feels.
I do find myself confused about some things, mainly her relationship with Aspen. Are they just friends or are they together or what? And why are they feeling so distant at a time where it seems Cass could really use the support of someone familiar? It kind of seems one-sided, like whatever happened affected Cass more than Aspen, but maybe that's because we're in Cass's head. I'm also confused as to who Aldonius is and why he's so significant, but that's probably because I missed the first few chapters.
The way this was phrased really threw me off. From the first paragraph, I thought they were in a place she had never been before. But for some reason when I read this paragraph, I thought they were going to those mansions in her town. It took me a couple read-throughs to realize that this was a point of comparison. Maybe I got confused because this is in the middle of a big long paragraph of description?
Another thought is that this description of the mansion is the first detailed bit of description we're getting after several paragraphs of mostly Cass's thoughts. Normally I hate over-description, but maybe some more interwoven would increase the sense that we are in a foreign world to Cass and Aspen.
These lines are somewhat contradictory. The first line treats the knowledge that Lira is the mayor's daughter like something common, something all the characters and the reader know. The second implies that they didn't know this, or Cass did but Aspen doesn't.
Ooh boy I love the cliffhanger at the end. So Cass recognizes Lira's father...well that's interesting. Of course my mind goes to "he is also Cass's long-lost father" based on all the emotions and stuff but that's just a guess on my part (heck, I don't even know if she has a long-lost father). I find it interesting that she doesn't feel like she can talk to Aspen even in such an emotional moment.
Overall thoughts: This seems like an interesting story, and maybe I should go back and catch up so I can read future chapters with a better idea of what's going on. I really like how we get into Cass's head in this scene, and I'm curious as to what happens next. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review! I think a lot of the issues you had with this would be resolved if you knew some of what happened in the last few chapters.
Aspen and Cass are currently just really close friends, but Cass has a major crush on her - back when Aspen was first introduced, Cass's heart was describing as "fluttering" when she saw how nice Aspen looked.
Aldonius showed up in the last chapter. It's hard to explain if you haven't read the other ones, but Cass has been dealing with some really weird feelings lately - though they've mainly stuck to ones of recognition. Aldonius is a person she recognized, even though they never met before.
The mayor line is because Lira never mentioned who the mayor was - it could have been her mom, or it could have been her dad. Aspen was just commenting on it because of how big the house was.
Going off of what I mentioned earlier, Aspen hasn't been feeling what Cass is. So at the end of the last chapter, Cass noticed that Aspen looked afraid when she brought up the situation with Aldonius. It feels like that moment, so she doesn't want to say anything to Aspen.
Thanks again for the review!
Hey! So I did actually go back and crash-read the previous chapters. There's still a couple things that seem out-of-proportion to me, like the issues with Aspen and the attraction (for lack of a better word) to Aldonius. I might go and give a proper review on the previous chapter tonight.
Oh, cool! I'm glad that helps, and I can see the problems with Aspen. The Aldonius attraction is actually meant to be pretty strong for reasons I unfortunately can't say because of spoilers, but I'm planning on working on the things with Aspen in the next draft! I was just trying to figure out how to write the characters for the first chapters in this.