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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 3.4]

by Mageheart


Summary of what happened last: Cass and Aspen agree to follow Lira and Rodet, even though they have no idea where they're really going or even who these two people really are.

Aspen quickly hobbled after Lira and Rodet, but Cass lingered behind their two guides. She was nervous. This wasn't the same sort of nervousness she felt in places like the flea market. That had been common sense - more people meant a higher likelihood of doing something embarrassing. But here? Her anxiety was coming from one person in particular - Rodet. He didn't like her. Even if Lira argued with him on the matter for the rest of the walk, and even if Aspen repeatedly came to her defense, he wouldn't budge on his stance. He disliked her to the point that she could have said that he hated her, and she had never once interacted with someone like that.

The last thing she wanted to do was give him another reason to hate her. Everything she had to had to be just right, and even then she knew he still wouldn't like her. If someone was so strongly disgusted by another person during their first meeting, it was clear that they had no intention of changing their mind.

If only she could understand why he hated her so much.

Aspen glanced over her shoulder at her. Cass gave a small smile in return, knowing that she could never explain the reason for her hesitation when Rodet was only a short distance away. She would have to tell her later, and just deal with this struggle on her own.

But Aspen knew her well, and slowed her pace so they were soon walking beside one another. She didn't say anything; she didn't need to. The glare she sent in Rodet's direction was enough for her to know that Aspen understood what was bothering her.

To her surprise, Lira suddenly began to slow her pace as well. Her lover barreled on ahead, completely ignoring her actions. Lira tucked a strand of her light brown hair behind her ear and gave the two girls a warm smile. Even though she knew Lira was trying her best to be friendly, Cass couldn't help but worry that she would soon treat her the same way Rodet had. After all, they were in a relationship - didn't that mean that they were alike?

"It's come to my attention that we never did any sort of introductions," Lira said. The smile remained, her face illuminated by the lights of the lanterns that accompanied them down the tunnel. "My boyfriend's name is Rodet, and mine is Lira. It's short for Solira, but only my dad calls me that."

"Well," Aspen said, giving a grin of her own, "you can call me Aspen. It's short for Aspen."

Lira laughed. It was a pleasant sound that made Cass want to smile, but the urge to do so faded the moment Rodet glanced over his shoulder and stared the three. Lira, oblivious to this, turned to Cass. She saw Aspen giving Rodet yet another glare out of the corner of her eye, this one apparently noticed from the way he sent one back in their direction.

"I'm Cass," she quietly said. She looked down and studied the ground.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Cass," Lira replied, her tone gentle, "especially when you have one of the lockets."

Nervously fingering the locket, she looked up at Lira. She didn't seem to hate her for it like Rodet had; if anything she was like a scientist who had just made a great discovery. She was in awe of the lockets - in awe of whatever they meant, even if Rodet despised her for that every same reason.

The end of the tunnel began to grow brighter. If Cass squinted, she could see the shapes of buildings and people moving about. It wasn't long before those sights were accompanied by a pleothra of noises: people talking in a variety of volumes and accents, livestock being brought from one place to another, and wheels rolling across cobble streets. When they finally reached the end of the tunnel, Cass began to notice a strange thing she would have never expected to feel.

There were sudden bursts of warmth coming from all around her. It reminded her of when the locket had brought them here; the warmth somehow felt intrusive, like someone was poking and prodding her. She stared down at the locket at her chest, but it wasn't glowing again. Even more so, the warmth seemed to be coming from everywhere but the locket. So then where could it be coming from-

"Cassie, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

Cass had to agree.

She had been so busy focusing on what she knew - the vendors selling their wares, brick and stone buildings only a few stories high, the occasional horse drawn carriage rolling down the street, and just the general bustle of a busy city - that she had missed all the little things tucked in between. Things that, under close examination, still managed to defy all known rules of the universe. There was a group of kids playing at the foot of a statue, water suddenly appearing in the air beside one of the boys before promptly getting somehow thrown at his playmates, even though he never once touched the water. There was a woman tending to her storefront. As she passed by one of the empty pots, a beautiful array of flowers sprang up from the dark soil. And only a short distance from the four, one of the less busy vendors was reclining back in a chair, a small orb of light illuminating the pages of the book he was reading.

It should have all be impossible.

But it was happening, and there was no logical way to describe it. And if there was no logical way to describe it, that had to mean that it was magic. She took a deep breath to steady herself. There were on another world, and there was magic. There was magic. Of course she had always wanted that to be real. Any kid did. But she had never thought there would come a day where she would actually see it with her own eyes.

When she looked back at Lira, the woman was smiling. "Welcome to Rey. From the looks on your faces, I'm guessing that it's not like your Kansas."

"...We're not from Kansas," Cass hesitantly said.

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence.

"Then why did Aspen make that comment...?"

"It's an expression from a movie-" Aspen started to clarify, only to stop when Lira gave her a blank look. "Never mind."

Rodet abruptly cleared his throat. And even though that should have dampened the mood, she found that she was still elated by their discovery. Even more so, she felt like she had been on these streets before, and that she had been to this town in the past - even though that was impossible. It was just like the feeling with the song and the locket. Was this city somehow connected to her dreams? And if it was, how?

"I'm going to return to the castle now," he said. His hardened gaze lingered on her, but, for once, she didn't care. She knew she had been there before. She was sure of it. "Don't forget to be careful, Lira. These streets can be dangerous."

For once, Lira's tone was cold. Even as Cass surveyed the streets for something that could jog her memory, she was able to take note of that. "I know. I've lived here my entire life, just like you. And, just like you, my dad's important. So you don't need to protect me because we're datin-" He was gone before she could even finish her sentence, having disappeared into the bustling mass of people.

Lira let out a sigh. "I hate when he gets like that."

"Wait, Rey has a castle? And your boyfriend works there?" Aspen asked. Cass forced herself to focus on the conversation at hand instead of the nagging feeling; her search wasn't getting her anywhere, and this was almost as interesting.

Their guide chuckled. "Rey's the capitol of the kingdom," she explained, then laughed a bit harder. "And I guess you could say that - I should have mentioned this earlier, but I keep forgetting that you don't know what most people here know. Rodet is the prince of our kingdom, and I'm the mayor's daughter."

Cass gasped at the comment. Rodet was a prince? A bona fide prince? The closest she had ever come to knowing someone that important was going to the same school as the son of the town's mayor, and they weren't even in the same grade.

Aspen crossed her arms. She apparently wasn't as impressed. "For a prince, he sure is rude. I thought royalty was supposed to be all diplomatic, or is that just a thing back on our world?"

Cass' eyes widened, and she frantically nudged Aspen with her elbow. They weren't just talking about one of the people in charge of the kingdom; they were talking about the person Lira was dating. Even if Aspen thought that Lira could do better - which Cass was also beginning to think - she should have kept it to herself until they got closer to Lira.

But Lira, fortunately, seemed unfazed by the question. She sighed for a second time. Then, looking back in the direction that Rodet had gone in, said, "Rodet's grown up hearing stories of how terrible Telorum is. We all have-"

"We're from a different world, remember?" Aspen interrupted. "Who or what is Telorum?"

Lira studied her for a moment before answering the question. "Telorum is a neighboring kingdom to this. Everyone in the Rexun Alliance knows of it, and every child is told just how terrible its rulers are. It's been like that for centuries, ever since King Kartiel III declared his kingdom would never be a part of it."

Lira took a deep breath.

"Telorum has a golden locket that's been passed down from every king to the next. It's like a symbol of their country - my dad's seen it with his own eyes. He lived there for a time as King Kartiel VIII's advisor so he could learn more about how the kingdom worked. It was during his time there that he learned that there was never just one locket. There was a silver one and another gold one, but both had been lost for centuries."

Cass and Aspen looked down at their respective lockets, then back up at Lira.

"That doesn't excuse Rodet's attitude back in the tunnel," Aspen finally said, keeping her arms crossed and a serious expression on her face. "So, what? Everyone just assumes any gold locket means that someone's allied with Telorum or something?"

Lira nodded. "Unfortunately, yes."

Aspen narrowed her eyes. "That's so stupid."

"It's not really, when you think about it," Cass hesitantly argued back. Aspen never snapped at her, but the prospect of arguing with someone who was so adamant about their belief was never a comfortable one. "The swastika was originally a religious symbol, but after World War II, people started to avoid using it because it was the symbol of Nazis. And in our time, Pepe the frog fell out of use when racists started using it-"

Someone suddenly bumped into her.

For just a moment - just a handful of seconds - the two stared at each other.

She took in every detail that she could in such a short time. How his dark brown cloak obscured most of his features. How she could see a pair of purple eyes peering out from underneath the hood, and how black hair with white streaks framed a face marred by a scar that ran up one cheek. How she saw a look of shock flicker across his face before he pulled his hood down.

She had seen that face before.

"Sorry," the man muttered.

She had heard that voice before.

She reached out a hand to grab onto him, but he was gone as quickly as he had appeared.

She turned back to Lira. "What's his name?" she asked, desperately hoping that she knew it. She had known these streets, known this locket and had known that song. But not a single one of those feelings compared to how she had felt when she saw that man. He was important. There was no denying it. "Please, Lira. I need to know who he is."

Lira briefly glanced in the direction the man had gone, then back at Cass. "His name is Aldonius, I think," she said. There was confusion on her face - she didn't understand why this was so important. "Whenever he's in town, he frequents the tavern I go to. I don't think anyone there really knows anything about him either."

"Can we go there?"

Aspen grabbed onto her shoulder and hobbled in front of her. "Cassie," she said, looking her in the eyes, "you hate going to places like that."

"But he might be going there," she protested. She waited for Aspen to nod in agreement, but all that Aspen did was continue to stare at her. "You don't-you don't recognize him, do you? You're not feeling the same way I am. Aspen, it's like earlier. It's like in the car, and it's like at the flea market-"

She fell silent. Aspen was still staring at her, but it wasn't with the worry she had earlier. It wasn't even close. Her eyes were wide, and she was biting her lip. Cass knew that look. She had only seen it a few times before, but that look was unforgettable.

Aspen was scared.

Cass fingered her locket. "Never mind," she said, quickly turning around so she was facing Lira instead of Aspen. She couldn't handle seeing that look on Aspen's face when she knew she was the reason for it. "...Let's go meet your dad."

Lira watched the two of them for another moment, her face an unreadable mask. Then she nodded, and started to head down the street with the two in tow. Cass lingered behind the two once more, though this time it was because she didn't want to deal with how Aspen felt about her.


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Sun Dec 22, 2019 6:12 am
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Lib says...



Back to reading this! =D

Not much to comment here. But this new dude. Oolalaa, love this new additon.

And another thing. You are very much sorta repeating descriptions within sentences/paragraphs! So you may wanna watch out for that sorta stuff in the future. ;)




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Wed Sep 19, 2018 10:26 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Saen!

Small Comments

Aspen quickly hobbled after Lira and Rodet, but Cass lingered behind their two guides.


Unnecessary. Even if you decide to keep it, I'd swap 'their two guides' out for a pronoun like 'them'.

This wasn't the same sort of nervousness she felt in places like the flea market. That had been common sense - more people meant a higher likelihood of doing something embarrassing. But here? Her anxiety was coming from one person in particular - Rodet.


This implies that her current anxiety isn't common sense. She seems to have her wires crossed here. It's way more logical to be uneasy about a hostile stranger from another world than it is to be anxious about a crowded market. In the latter, it's not really that likely that anything will go wrong, and even if it does, it's not the end of the world. Being among strangers in another reality, however? Way harder to predict. Potentially really dangerous.

He disliked her to the point that she could have said that he hated her, and she had never once interacted with someone like that.


From Rodet's behaviour in the previous chapter, I certainly never got the impression that he hated her, only that he was suspicious and quick to judge. That makes this revelation quite hard to swallow.

If someone was so strongly disgusted by another person during their first meeting, it was clear that they had no intention of changing their mind.


This logic seems pretty faulty. She'd be surprised by how much people can mellow out and alter their opinions of people. And again, I feel like 'disgust' is just too strong a way to describe Rodet's attitude towards her.

"Well," Aspen said, giving a grin of her own, "you can call me Aspen. It's short for Aspen."


<33 I love her!

The end of the tunnel began to grow brighter. If Cass squinted, she could see the shapes of buildings and people moving about.


How big is this tunnel, exactly? I've been picturing it as kind of...corridor-sized for the last few chapters. Is it actually big enough to encompass buildings, or are they reaching the end of the tunnel here?

Lira studied her for a moment before answering the question. "Telorum is a neighboring kingdom to this. Everyone in the Rexun Alliance knows of it, and every child is told just how terrible its rulers are. It's been like that for centuries, ever since King Kartiel III declared his kingdom would never be a part of it."


I feel like the bias is too transparent here. Maybe my perspective is coloured by having read your Story Interviews thread, but the whole use of 'told' makes it abundantly obvious to me that Kartiel isn't as bad as he's made out. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think it'd be cooler if we saw Cass and Aspen fall into the beliefs of everyone around them simply because they didn't have the exposure to anything else.

Aspen grabbed onto her shoulder and hobbled in front of her. "Cassie," she said, looking her in the eyes, "you hate going to places like that."


Much as I love Aspen, it does annoy me a little when she tells Cass what she does and doesn't like - it seems like she assumes knowledge of what Cass wants to do rather than asking her. I hope Cass calls her out on that at some point.

Overall Thoughts

The first thing I want to talk about, probably because it's my biggest concern, is Rodet. His behaviour really isn't that convincing in my opinion. Even if I can totally understand why he would react badly to the sight of the locket if it's a symbol of a kingdom he hates, it doesn't make sense for his hostility to carry on like this. It's so obvious that Cass and Aspen have no idea what the locket means, and Lira has outright said that there are lockets aside from Kartiel's. He's just being hostile for the sake of it, and Aspen and Cass are so obviously in the right that all the subtlety goes.

There's also the fact that, not only is he a douche about this, but he's plainly a douche in other ways as well. The whole overbearing boyfriend bit kind of made me sigh. It's too easy to hate him. It's my absolute policy - at least when writing drama - that every single character should have a redeeming quality somewhere. It'd be far more interesting if Rodet was frosty and unreasonable and suspicious towards Cass (maybe he thinks she's feigning ignorance?) but actually super lovely towards Lira, if a bit protective. Then you get more complexity. How does Lira deal with that? Right now, it just seems really obvious that the relationship is going to fail at some point and that it's not going to weigh on Lira much.

The best thing about this chapter, however, was the moment where Cass saw Aldonius. I really liked the repetition in the lines where she recognises his face and then his voice, and how he disappears before she can grab hold of him. I'm so keen know why Cass recognises this world so much. My instinct is to think that maybe she actually comes from here, but for some reason she doesn't remember it. I suppose it could be that she's been dreaming about the place without realising, but feels bigger than that, somehow.

Aldonius' description did feel a bit...typical, though, with the coloured eyes and the scar on his face - it couldn't have been more obvious that he was plot-relevant. Zoom's correct that he seems like a walking trope at the minute, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because we haven't even met the guy and his introduction was still cool.

I'm mixed on the last bit. It is a good demonstration of Cass's character, seeing how she drops something important to her because it's worrying Aspen, but I am a little tired of having emotional reactions and facial expressions described to me in painstaking detail. I think you go overboard with it, like you're trying to make it more monumental than it is. The event should speak for itself, really. Still, I am really enjoying the contrast between Cass and Aspen, both personality wise and in regards to their relationships with the lockets. It's probably the area of the story that I'm most invested in.

Nice to get a sneak peak of magic, as well!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Tue Sep 04, 2018 12:41 pm
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Zoom wrote a review...



Heyo,

If only she could understand why he hated her so much.

Aspen glanced over her shoulder at her. Cass gave a small smile in return, knowing that she could never explain the reason for her hesitation when Rodet was only a short distance away. She would have to tell her later, and just deal with this struggle on her own.

But Aspen knew her well, and slowed her pace so they were soon walking beside one another. She didn't say anything; she didn't need to. The glare she sent in Rodet's direction was enough for her to know that Aspen understood what was bothering her.


Absolutely, beautifully done. This is why people will read your story. Aspen's understanding of Cass's social challenges and her eagerness to rush to her friend's defense is a very attractive quality to read about, and brings this friendship to life in such a glorious way.

"Cassie, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."


This line is verrry overdone - it's been used in dozens of movies.

Was this city somehow connected to her dreams? And if it was, how?


Something I've been meaning to mention for the last few reviews - you ask a lot of rhetorical questions, and it comes across as a forced way to engage readers. I'm already having thought processes like this, and I'd like to be left to it. It's a huge dampener if you're going to cue me into these speculations.

"I know. I've lived here my entire life, just like you. And, just like you, my dad's important. So you don't need to protect me because we're datin-"


Forced exposition.

How she could see a pair of purple eyes peering out from underneath the hood,


Unusually coloured eyes are seen as a huge trope, FYI.

"Whenever he's in town, he frequents the tavern I go to. I don't think anyone there really knows anything about him either."


I'd argue that a mysterious stranger in taverns is also dancing along the lines of being a trope.

She fell silent. Aspen was still staring at her, but it wasn't with the worry she had earlier. It wasn't even close. Her eyes were wide, and she was biting her lip. Cass knew that look. She had only seen it a few times before, but that look was unforgettable.

Aspen was scared.


I feel like you've already structured a set up like this before, where Aspen reacts a certain way and Cass had rarely seen it before so that means it's super important etc.

Cass fingered her locket.


You've also used this particular phrasing before, too, which I'm not a huge fan of. For obvious reasons.

***

Overall comments:

This chapter fragment confirmed my doubts and concerns about the last one. All of Cass's and Aspen's initial experiences of this world are being filtered through a guide character, which isn't particularly thrilling to read. It's too convenient that they have this human encyclopedia at their fingertips, and it starts to make the story formulaic in a very tedious way, because any time they see something they don't understand, we know that they will immediately turn to the guide and ask questions. It's "telling" on a very grand, problematic scale.

A spark of hope is the magic system. I do enjoy magic when it feels very commonplace in the world and readily available to the point of children running around on the streets with it. I wonder where you go with that and how this will emerge in the story going forward.

I also like that you're keeping the mystery alive about the dreams and sense of deja vu, you did this quite well. I'm particularly interested in what Aspen's role in this will be since Cass seems to be the center of attention when it comes to strange things happening, but Aspen is also linked in some way, we just don't know to what extent.

-Zoom




Mageheart says...


Thanks for your review!

About what you said regarding the Kansas comment: I can see what you mean! @BlueAfrica actually came up with a fun way to make that stand out more, so I'm going to try using that when it comes in future chapters - I'll eventually revise this one so Lira is never informed that they're not from Kansas. Cass is too socially nervous to correct anyone who thinks that, and Aspen would probably let them think that for kicks.

Something I've been meaning to mention for the last few reviews - you ask a lot of rhetorical questions, and it comes across as a forced way to engage readers.


I'm sorry about that. It's just how I like to write characters' thought processes, rather than use italics or something like that. It feels more natural to me.

Unusually coloured eyes are seen as a huge trope, FYI.


I know, but that eye color difference is pretty important to the plot.

I feel like you've already structured a set up like this before, where Aspen reacts a certain way and Cass had rarely seen it before so that means it's super important etc.


I have! That time was with worry, and this time is with fear. So it's steadily progressing.

It's too convenient that they have this human encyclopedia at their fingertips, and it starts to make the story formulaic in a very tedious way, because any time they see something they don't understand, we know that they will immediately turn to the guide and ask questions. It's "telling" on a very grand, problematic scale.


Like I mentioned in my reply to your last review, this hopefully should resolve itself by the next few chapters! I don't want to say too much because of spoilers, but it's very important that Cass has an idea of what this world is like before several important plot points happen later on.

A spark of hope is the magic system. I do enjoy magic when it feels very commonplace in the world and readily available to the point of children running around on the streets with it. I wonder where you go with that and how this will emerge in the story going forward.


This is coincidentally the part I'm most nervous about, so let's hope it lives up to expectations.



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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Saen, I'm finally getting round to trying to catch up on my LMS reviews!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

"For a prince, he sure is rude.

I mean, she says that as if most aristocracy isn't pompous and arrogant.

And in our time, Pepe the frog fell out of use when racists started using it-"

*sigh* poor Pepe. It's not his fault.

Overall:

The first thing I was confused about here was the certainty Cass feels that Rodet hates her. What she can probably tell is that he's being very cold, but that doesn't automatically equal hate. It could be wariness, even fear. It could be mistrust, or discomfort, which seems to be what he is likely feeling. Maybe there could be hatred in his eyes when he looks at the locket, but unless he's quite stupid I don't think he would hate a random stranger.

Something I like is that you finally have a solid example of what is going on with Cass. The deja vu is something that can be repeated multiple times with varying levels of intensity and signal that something is definitely weird. When you're just telling me that something it's off, it feels like a missing gap. You have filled it now ^.^

I also really enjoyed the emotional impact of Aspen's fear. Its rarity and intensity were palpable, and the readiness with which Cass changed her mind showed me how seriously she takes that without having to tell me. As a result that felt really powerful.

Lastly, it's been a while, so I can't remember if I brought this up before. Is there a reason Lira believes them that they are from another world rather than being spies for this Telorum place? I'm sure spies could feign the innocence and confusion that Cass and Aspen have shown.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Mageheart says...


Thanks for the review!

Maybe there could be hatred in his eyes when he looks at the locket, but unless he's quite stupid I don't think he would hate a random stranger.


On one hand, I love having complex characters, and I'll probably change that in future chapters and drafts! But on the other, I don't like Rodet that much and would love to make him an idiot.

When you're just telling me that something it's off, it feels like a missing gap. You have filled it now ^.^


Yay! I think it finally helps to show something that Cass really shouldn't recognize, but we'll see if that persists with future chapters. :)

As a result that felt really powerful.


I'm going to go into a corner and scream now because this is exactly what I wanted the readers to feel.

Is there a reason Lira believes them that they are from another world rather than being spies for this Telorum place?

Ooh, that's something I definitely have to work on. Lira commented on their accents being completely unfamiliar earlier, so I'm going to tentatively blame that? I'd also say that since she grew up on stories about the lockets, it's a little bit of childish hope - she doesn't want them to be spies because then she won't have discovered the missing lockets.

It did!



ExOmelas says...


ahhh okay these responses make sense.

i'm glad ^.^



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Wed Aug 22, 2018 1:38 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!! Getting here early so I can swipe it from the green room for the first time in forever! :D

From the top. I didn't realize the guy was that mad at Cass and I was a little confused about why she was analyzing it so much. But then at the same time I TOTALLY feel the withering down into a tiny version of yourself when you feel like someone is mad at you because that is ME to a t :p I'm glad that you showed that because it goes hand in hand with the anxiety we've already seen from her.

Like I said in one of the previous segments, I like how you're doing the descriptions and that you're not doing everything all at once but rather giving us glimpses of this world. I don't feel too lost yet :)

One thing that really struck me in this segment, and I may have mentioned this in one of the previous segments too. Everyone just seems so cool about this whole situation. Obviously the guy stormed off mad at Cass but the girl and Cass and Aspen are all handling this really well? Everyone is so calm and amicable. Cass and Aspen are literally in a different world with no warning. How is Cass able to function? I would imagine her anxiety would be off the charts. Where am I? How did I get here? How do I get home? Who are these people? What do they have in store for me? Will anyone realize we're gone? Are people back home worried about us? Etc. She's just riding along seemingly doing okay. Same with Aspen. They're just so calm overall about the fact that they're literally in a different world and they don't know what's going on. And this Lira girl is also super chill that these two random girls just showed up in her world. They could be anyone. They could be a threat. She doesn't know.

I thought seeing the guy at the end was maybe a little too much for this chapter? We've already had a lot of big revelations and I want to digest that a little before something new is thrown into the mix. Although I was expecting him to be an immediate love interest (like a gosh he's hot i want to get to know him) and while I love me a love story, this would be a weird time to meet a guy :p So I like the direction you took him, not 100% sure if this is the best time to do his introduction. He's obviously going to be an important character because of his connection to the dreams and locket.

I'm intrigued to see what the dad is going to say and to see what's going to happen next!! Looking forward to the next segment! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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BluesClues wrote a review...



Awww I feel sad for Cass that "common sense" anxiety for her is "more people = more chances to embarrass yourself." Like I'm not actually surprised, but I'm a bit bummed out about it. Question: does Rodet spend the walk actually arguing with Lira aloud about his dislike of Cass? Or are these just her thoughts after the last chapter? I was unclear on that point, so I just wanted to find out.

Lira laughed. It was a pleasant sound that made Cass want to smile


not gonna lie I maybe ship Cass with Lira a lil bit too just from that one line why am I like this

"Cassie, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."


*snort* I continue to love Aspen.

OMG LIRA

When she looked back at Lira, the woman was smiling. "Welcome to Rey. From the looks on your faces, I'm guessing that it's not like your Kansas."

"...We're not from Kansas," Cass hesitantly said.


I AM SCREAMING. Omg this is the best. I'm so super happy you introduced the Wizard of Oz reference just for that sterling dialogue right there. Although, on that note, I think the bit after that kind of kills it. But if you wanted to change it, it'd be easy enough - given Cass' shyness, she could just mumble that line or whatever and Lira doesn't hear her.

(And then people keep introducing them throughout the story as "of Kansas" and it's a running thing and Cass never corrects them because she's shy and Aspen never corrects them because she thinks it's funny PLEASE DO THAT I AM BEGGING)

she had missed all the little things tucked in between


Okay, so I'm kind of torn on this. On the one hand, the little things you mention are the magic things, and they do seem small enough that Cass could conceivably miss them at first glance. So that's fine.

On the other hand, the bigger things - the things she does notice right away - seem sufficiently different from the way those same things actually are in our world that this "focusing on what she knew" feels off. Example: horse-drawn carriages. Does she normally see them out and about? If I saw them, I'd be like "wait are we in Amish country" or "wait when did we get to Mackinac Island" (there are no cars allowed, so horse-drawn carriages are a major mode of transportation). Like it's not something I've never seen, but I'd definitely do a double-take. At the very least, given the way Cass reacted earlier merely to Lira and Rodet's outfits, I'd expect a repeat of "wait did we stumble into a Renaissance Fair?"

The highlight of this chapter other than the Kansas dialogue was the appearance of Aldonius. He introduced the first real tension, between his shock (fear?) at seeing Cass, her shock at recognizing him, and Aspen's fear/concern for Cass' uncharacteristic behavior. The chapter didn't feel that slowly paced, because of all the dialogue, but if you look at what actually happened here, it's not much. Because you're in that unfortunate part of the story where the main characters and the readers both need to get some important information, aka the part of the story I totally suck at. So the dialogue ends up feeling kind of wooden and the conversation feels unrealistic.

In other news, WOW WHAT A CRUEL NOTE TO END ON. Don't mind me as I sit here wondering how much torture you're going to put Cass and Aspen's friendship through before I can smush their faces together.




Mageheart says...


I read your review and then died a little on the inside because it's perfect.

not gonna lie I maybe ship Cass with Lira a lil bit too just from that one line why am I like this


I'm not gonna lie too - ever since Lira was created I've been like "ship her with aspen! or ship her with cass!" though mainly Aspen, because I've worked out a few more scenes between the two of them than with Cass and Lira alone. And I have no qualms in admitting that Rodet and Lira are currently one of the few relationships that will end at some point in the novel.

(And then people keep introducing them throughout the story as "of Kansas" and it's a running thing and Cass never corrects them because she's shy and Aspen never corrects them because she thinks it's funny PLEASE DO THAT I AM BEGGING)


I never thought of this but now I'm totally going to do this! It would be absolutely hilarious, and it's totally in character! I can think of one person who Cass would someday correct, but any time that they try to help out and do the correcting, they could get interrupted so the gag continues. :P

Like it's not something I've never seen, but I'd definitely do a double-take. At the very least, given the way Cass reacted earlier merely to Lira and Rodet's outfits, I'd expect a repeat of "wait did we stumble into a Renaissance Fair?"


I admit I was a little burned out by the time I got to this part of the chapter, so I'll definitely work on that in the next draft!

The highlight of this chapter other than the Kansas dialogue was the appearance of Aldonius.


I've been way the longest time to introduce Aldonius, and I'm so glad that stood out in this chapter! I have so many evil plans for him. ;)

In other news, WOW WHAT A CRUEL NOTE TO END ON. Don't mind me as I sit here wondering how much torture you're going to put Cass and Aspen's friendship through before I can smush their faces together.


;)

Don't worry - more is to come.

Thank you so much for reviewing this chapter already, by the way!



BluesClues says...


Ofc! And YES THE KANSAS THING THANK YOU IN ADVANCE omg I'm so happy to see more of it. It's gonna be ridiculous.



Mageheart says...


Omg, I just thought of something! It's totally unrelated to the Kansas comment, but what if when Aspen and Cass finally get a chance to rest somewhere, Aspen makes a comment about how "it felt like we were in that tunnel for weeks". lkjafhadlfkg



BluesClues says...


OMG LMS JOKE FTW




Chickens are honestly little dinosaurs. And they know it.
— ChieRynn