Last line of the previous chapter: Together, they approached the source of the voices.
Their pace was just as slow as before. It was only as the voices started to grow clearer that Cass noticed how quiet their pace had made the two of them. Their footsteps were just as soft as the voices coming from just around the corner. She wanted to think that whoever was talking would be friendly and kind to them, but she had no idea where they had been brought.
As they went to turn the corner, Cass tried coming up with a believable story of how they had gotten there. Sharing that story would be difficult if there was some sort of language barrier, but they couldn't have gotten that far from home – right? She just had to come up with something that could explain them not knowing where they were, and they'd be back home in barely any time at all.
But any ideas she might have come up with were immediately forgotten when they saw the two people they had been listening to. There were many things that she could have picked up on first. There was the intimacy between the young man and woman, and the way they delicately held one another as they passionately kissed underneath one of the lanterns. There was the lack of recognition; they were total strangers. There was their apparent ages, both barely over the age of twenty. There was the finery of their clothes, made of what looked to be soft material embroidered with golden designs.
This last detail – their clothing – was what caught her eye.
She had never seen anything quite like it before. It looked
like it was something out of one of the high fantasy movies she might
have watched, or something from medieval times. There was the woman's
light pink tunic, golden patterns swirling up from the bottom. There
was the man's dark blue tunic, gold adorning the tips of his sleeves
and collar. There were their leather boots, sturdy and brown, that
went up a little past their ankles. There were their long light brown
cloaks that swished about them as they pulled apart. Their pants were
nothing more than what appeared to be leggings, but, when combined
with the other parts of their appearance, this managed to look as
foreign as the rest.
The young man and woman turned to face Cass
and Aspen.
Then they all awkwardly stared at each other – the
adults growing noticeably more red with every passing second –
because there was apparently nothing more embarrassing than
interrupting two lovers passionately making out in what they thought
was a deserted area. Cass desperately wished she could be anywhere
but here. She tried not to meet their eyes. She could barely handle
normal situations.
How was she supposed to handle something like this?
“Well this is awkward,” Aspen said.
The woman fiddled
with the collar of her tunic. “Agreed,” she said, clearly just as
uncomfortable as Cass was by this turn of events. At least Cass could
take solace in that.
The man, on the other hand, stared at them
with a nervousness in his dark blue eyes. Cass guessed that it was
because the two pairs looked so different. Their clothes was probably
different than he had expected. Because no matter how hard she tried
to convince herself that they were in the middle of a Renaissance
fair, something inside of her told her that they weren't.
The
woman fiddled with her tunic for another few seconds before she
finally took a good look at the two of them. While her lover may have
been thoroughly worried by their different attire, this woman seemed
to be intrigued by it. There wasn't a bit of anxiousness on her face,
just curiosity and wonder as she studied their appearances. After a
few more moments passed, she finally addressed Cass and
Aspen.
“Neither of you are from around here, are you?” she
asked. She had a strange accent, one that Cass couldn't place. She
had been concerned when she realized how unfamiliar their clothing
looked, but now she was absolutely terrified about her inability to
figure out where this woman was from.
Aspen looked over at Cass,
then turned back to the woman and gave her a friendly smile. Cass
tried to muster one herself, but was too nervous to do more than
slightly turn her lips up. “What gave it away?”
“Well,”
the woman said, “there's your clothing. I've never seen anything
quite like it before.”
She looked over at the young man beside
her. He had remained silent, watching the two of them with a now wary
gaze. He was studying at their chests in particular – something
that made Cass deeply uncomfortable. Even when she realized he was
staring at their lockets, she still felt uneasy about the way he was
looking at them.
“Rodet, do you know where they're from?”
The man shook his head.
“Wow,” the woman said, her quiet
voice filled with surprise at what he had admitted. “I thought you
knew every group that was part of the alliance.”
The man –
Rodet – continued to stare at them. “I doubt they're part of the
alliance. Look at her
necklace, Lira.” He
raised a finger and pointed at Cass, who immediately scooted a little
closer to Aspen. She had never heard so much hatred in someone's
voice before, and had never thought that it would be directed towards
her. His face scrunched up into a scowl as he waited for Lira to come
to whatever conclusion he had.
Aspen limped to in front of Cass
and sent a glare in the man's direction. “Her
name is Cass, and I'd appreciate if you didn't talk about my best
friend like that.” Cass was grateful for Aspen hobbling to her
defense, but knew that sort of comment would only result in angering
him even more.
But before either Rodet or Aspen could get into a
serious fight, Lira spoke again.
“Rodet,” she breathlessly
said, “they have the lockets!”
Cass and Aspen nervously
looked at each other.
“Wait, my locket's special too?” Aspen
whispered.
“I guess so,” Cass whispered back.
“But
yours is the one who did the weird glowy thing, and you got yours
because of, you know...” Aspen wisely didn't mention the dreams.
Even if they did apparently know about the golden locket's strange
ability, it was impossible to tell if the dreams were considered
normal in a place like wherever they were.
In contrast to her
boyfriend's disgusted expression, Lira looked absolutely delighted by
this turn of events. She quickly bridged the small distance between
the two groups. The entire time she had a large smile on her face,
and was bustling with a childish excitement. Standing in front of the
two girls, she said, “You're from another world, aren't you?”
Both
Cass and Aspen stayed silent. That would explain what had happened
since the incident with her locket, but it was still a hard thing to
fathom.
Rodet groaned. “She has Kartiel's locket-”
“No,
she doesn't,” Lira argued, glancing over her shoulder at him.
“There were originally three lockets, remember? Two golden, and one
silver. That's what my dad's always told me. One of the golden ones
has been a symbol of Telorum's royalty for centuries, while the other
golden one and the silver one were lost to another world a long, long
time ago.”
Rodet looked unconvinced, but didn't argue.
She turned back to the two. “You two have to meet my dad. He spent a good deal of his life in Telorum, and knows all about the lockets – or as much as he was allowed to learn about them. He'd love to talk to you about them.”
“Well,”
Aspen started, looking over at Cass, “it's not like we really have
any other options. Want to go with her?”
Cass hesitantly
nodded. Her eyes lingered on Rodet.
“Then lead the way,” Aspen decided.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey!
Not much to comment here, but honestly I'd think Cass and Aspen would have a quick freaking out session before talking to Lira and Rodet. I mean, they seem like they would! cx
Moving on, now! =)
Hiya, Saen! Back again for another round of reviews.
Small Comments
I don't really buy this. If Aspen is hobbling along with a bad ankle and a makeshift walking stick, I can't imagine she'd be able to tread quietly. A limping gait is pretty distinctive.
I don't really get why she's still clinging to this hope. Sure, shock and denial are a thing, but what's happened to her is so impossible to explain. I'd expect her to just be panicked and confused, but it's like she's trying to settle into a logical explanation.
I feel like delicacy and passion don't really fit together as images. Passion suggests eagerness and desperation to me - I'd expect them to be clinging to each other.
Why would this be a surprise? Cass can't have expected to meet somebody familiar in a place like this.
Your constructions get pretty repetitive here, and generally I think you could condense this description. I really like the last comment about the leggings being transformed by the strangeness of the other clothes, though.
I don't feel like their first reaction wouldn't be embarrassment, though? Surely the shock would be much stronger, given that Cass and Aspen are so clearly from another world.
Ha, I love Aspen. It fits her character that she'd be the one to break the silence like this.
The bold is needlessly wordy, and it feels like you're just repeating the fact that he's staring. Something like 'even when she realised he was staring at their lockets, his expression still unnerved her' might be a cleaner way to express it.
I'm surprised that their first reaction is to speculate about Aspen's locket being special. I'd expect them to be more general, to just be like 'what do you mean?' The more specific questions should surely come later.
This feels like a rather limp reaction. Why are they just silent? Why aren't they questioning her, asking what on earth she means?
Overall Thoughts
As with the last review, my fellow critiquers have already hit most of the main points. I think Bisc is right that the pacing suffers because you, as a narrator, just want to move things on and get past the tedious acclimatisation. It kind of feels like you're paying lip service to Cass and Aspen's bafflement rather than really committing to it. Their reactions to everything feel slightly too far along.
The same goes for Lira and Rodet, actually. They're not surprised enough to see veritable aliens in their midst. Plus, considering that Rodet suspects Cass of having Kartiel's locket - and I know from your planning notes that Kartiel isn't exactly flavour of the month around here - I'm surprised he isn't more afraid, actually. But maybe I've misjudged that. Either way, I think both parties need to be a bit less trusting of each other. I'm surprised that Cass and Aspen were so quick to decide to go with Lira, considering that she's a total stranger. Even if they eventually decided they had no other option, I'd still expect them to act more warily.
Part of me wishes it had been harder for Cass and Aspen to communicate with Lira, as well. Cass entertains the possibility of a language barrier at the beginning of the chapter, so I felt put out when it didn't emerge - other than a vague difference in accent, there's no distinguishable difference between the languages the two worlds appear to use. Maybe it's just my inner linguistics nerd talking, but I wish more multi-world fantasy stories factored in the likelihood of foreign worlds using different languages. Obviously it can be a real barrier to storytelling, so I can see why you've not gone with that. But it would've been cool if maybe only one of the couple had spoken English, and even then not very well. It could be known, but not the common tongue. I don't know. It'd certainly be one way to suspend the mystery of the lockets and add a bit more suspense to the whole situation, but of course it all comes down to your decision.
On the whole, though, I do think this chapter introduced much more mystery and intrigue with the revelations about the lockets and the mention of Kartiel. I'm curious as to why Rodet thought that Cass had his locket. I mean, maybe it is just that Kartiel has a gold one as well, and he assumed there was only one, but is Kartiel in the habit of lending his locket to people? Even if he is, why give it to a clueless young girl in weird clothes? I'd expect Rodet to be confused more than accusatory, though his wariness is understandable.
I forget if I ever read this in your planning notes, but I really wonder why there are two golden lockets and only one silver? Why not equal numbers of each? I'm curious to know about the origins of the lockets and why they were made, and indeed how two of them were lost to another world. I suspect that the silver locket differs in power to the gold one, given that Aspen didn't feel such a pull towards it and it didn't help them transfer into this world. I wonder how it's going to play out.
Last point, but I think you jump into the locket backstory too soon, actually. Lira's explanation about there being three and two being lost to another world felt like it was there to educate the audience, not because it's something she'd really say in a situation like this. The mystery of the lockets is one of the biggest areas of curiosity so far, so be careful not to tell all too soon.
Keep writing!
~Pan
The pacing was better here, there was a nice flow between dialog, action, and introspection.
I also enjoyed that the first people they met weren't trying to kill them, however it felt a tad plot-convenient that they would fall into the laps of two people who know all about the lockets etc. One trope is for characters to enter a new world and immediately jump into danger, however the other trope is that they instantly meet a "guide" character who can provide useful (convenient) exposition. I personally would prefer Cass and Aspen to see more of the world on their own first, rather than have their opinions and conclusions forged by people who already live there and have a bias. The new characters having knowledge about the lockets also killed the mystery somewhat. We still don't know much about the lockets, but the fact that we're already in the presence of people do, kinda feels unrewarding. I guess I might be speaking too soon because I have no idea what you might do after this scene. They could even be lying for all I know. It depends on how much exposition you provide in the scenes immediately aftwards.
There were also a few "hand holding" lines that really stuck out. Let me see if I can find some examples . . .
. . . found two:
No need to recap this.
We are already very familiar with this characterisation. I also argue that this entire quote is undermined by the fact that, despite her fear of social situations, she should already not want to be there anyway because she has no idea where the heck she is.
Other nitpicks:
A strange accent? Be careful of giving readers free reign like this. If you're not going to compare the accent to an existing accent, then at least indicate if the words sound choppy and harsh, or flow nicely with soft sounds etc. Otherwise I'll just end up choosing something comical and going with that.
This is extremely cringey and childish. I like that she is standing in front of Cass even though she has a bad leg, just wish the words that came out of her mouth didn't belong on a school playground.
I don't think this is the right time to discuss this. Maybe she can quickly have a moment of realisation but to actually pause the scene so that she can share this epiphany with Cass? Not so sure.
This was my favourite line by a significant margin. I really like it when you're subtle and just let things speak for themself. Your characterisaiton of both characters is so strong, they really feel like individual people. Props.
On to the next.
-Zoom
Thanks for the review!
I can definitely see your fears there! As it will - hopefully - soon become apparent, Lira actually doesn't know too much about the way that the lockets work. She know stories, but those stories are more like children's bedtime stories than anything else. She also won't be able to explain what's going on with the weird deja vu thing, if I end up making Cass tell Lira all about that.
I haven't gotten a chance to build up towards this yet, but let me just say that it's very important for them to have some sort of bias going into this whole situation.
Hello again! CAUGHT UP FOR THE MOMENT!
Looking forward to see where they go next and what else they discover! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! 
Okay so I also love that the people they found were 0% danger as well. I wasn't expecting a huge amount of danger because this doesn't strike me as that kind of book, but then I thought oh well she might surprise me.... this is fantasy after all and there's always danger in fantasy... :p
The conversation struck me as super random and almost awkward again though. They're all so cordial and understanding and interested in one another. No one seems weirded out or terrified or anything. It's just four people chatting in a tunnel. I'm sure there are plenty of other underlying emotions there. One of your tasks for the next draft will be to bring out that emotion through the dialogue and showing the emotion through the dialogue and the supporting actions within the dialogue.
And these girls are really going to trust these strangers and go off to see this dad guy? They don't know where they are or even who these people are and sure they seem like they want to help, but can you really trust them?? Ladies. I know you're confused and you want answers about the lockets and where you are, but this seems dangerous. I'm sure everything is going to work out fine for them, but is there any worry that it's going to be dangerous in their minds?
There aren't really any high stakes or intense drama/conflict yet, but I like how this is being set up and that it overall feels like a lighter novel because I read enough dark intense stuff
I love that the first people they see are just two random lovers making out. I figured they'd immediately run across the bad guy or someone else dangerous, so this was so unexpected and also unique. #awkward But Rodet's wariness still made things feel a little tense, which was lovely.
Prior to that, it was a little weird to me that Cass first thought about how to explain how they'd gotten here. Logically it just doesn't really make sense, because they don't even know where they are. So it's not like there's any reason for them to specifically not be here, if that makes sense. I guess with Cass' social anxiety and general worry she might think it anyway, but it just felt off to me.
but then she literally goes on to think about fantasy movies and Renaissance Fairs, so...
The continued focus - leftover from the last chapter - on "are we in town, we're probably just in town somewhere weird" sort of makes things drag along.
I love love love the introduction of the alliance and the hatred in Rodet's voice. That really feels like the strongest forward momentum so far aside from the finding of the necklaces. We get a bit of tension and a hint that something's not quite right here. However, something didn't click for me in the final conversation where Lira dominates the discussion. I'm not sure what, but it might be that I'm missing any emotion from Cass and Aspen at that point - even though Lira's just like "oh yeah my dad's spent so much time in Telorum" as if they should know what/where Telorum is.
Hey Saen, let's get reviewing!
Nit-picks and nice moments:
I mean, they could have, and I don't think Cass would have any reason in her head to limit it. They have no idea where they've gone - a change in dimension would be just as impossible as a geographical change in location. If one impossible thing has happened, why not another? I get that the right is meant to be uncertain, but I'm unsure what line of logic Cass might be clinging to here.
This is a really good way to describe that. I'd never have thought of that but it fits really well.
Well that's one hell of an understatement.
This seems a bit forward. I get that she's overly eager, but I feel like she should offer to take them back to town first or something. She doesn't even know their names, or that these are definitely the right lockets.
Overall:
There's still the issue of downplaying the dramatic here. In my head, the characters should be thinking WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON whereas in the story they seem to be like 'Well this is strange.' I think the root of this problem is an intense desire to move the plot along. I can also see this in the way the couple behave.
The fact that they are curious about Aspen and Cass is what starts the conversation, but I don't think it's a realistic first reaction. I would expect them to instinctively, upon interruption, shout something along the lines of 'Get out of here! Who even are you? And what the hell are you wearing?' Or Cass and Aspen might even just awkwardly walk past and let them get back to it. It's not like they've blown their cover or anything, as far as I know - they're just intruding.
I also need a bit more description of the world. Are they still in the tunnel? What was behind them in the tunnel? (I feel like you might have mentioned that previously but I can't quite remember). If they're not in the tunnel anymore, what does the place they're in look like? For the next chapter, are they taken to a town? How does the tunnel of vines turn into a path or road to a town?
I like the little bits of characterisation of Cass and Aspen as they stay tight together for protection, will be interested to see how their relationship develops in this unfamiliar setting.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits