Chapter 3
Their moods had been dampened by the conversations regarding both the locket and the dreams, and Cass couldn't help but feel like it was all her fault. Today was meant to be the perfect day. They had spent so much time waiting for it, and had made sure to plan everything so it would be just right. But as they drove down the street, the wind rushing in through the windows drowning out the noise of the quiet radio, Cass knew this day was far from perfect. She stared dismally out her window. If only she had waited just a day – then they could have enjoyed the trip to the flea market like they were supposed to.
She should have been smarter.
Even the sight of the hiking trail a few minutes later failed to make her feel better.
They
parked the car. Got out. Went to get their things from the back.
Closed the doors. Talked a little bit about how beautiful the trees
were this time of year. Left the car in the small dirt parking lot.
Every action felt forced. They were just doing it because they had to
pretend that everything was alright, even though the dreams and the
locket weighed heavily on both of their minds.
The skies, appropriately, began to darken as they started their hike. Clouds covered the sun that had shone so brightly that morning. Cass looked up at them for a minute before following Aspen down the trail, absentmindedly adjusting the straps of her backpack as she put little effort into bridging the growing distance between the two of them.
Aspen remained silent.
Cass didn't bother to start a
conversation up. What could they possibly talk about? Anything they
said would eventually return to the troubling matter of how she had
acted back in the flea market, and that would only make their moods
worse. She kept her head down. They had come for the beauty of the
trees towering above them, but all that Cass wanted to look at right
now was the dirt path at her feet and the footprints Aspen was
leaving behind in the mud.
They continued to walk in silence for
an indeterminable amount of time. Cass rarely raised her head. She
noticed many things during the walk – the increasingly muddy path,
how the sun peeked out from behind the clouds less and less, the moss
that clung to the sloping sides of the trail, and the familiar smell
that preceded rain – but she failed to give them much thought. She
just kept walking. The distance between them had become so great that
it would seem like they had come separately to any person they
passed, if there had actually be other hikers on the trail.
At
some point, she came to a stop when she noticed had far apart they
truly were. It was stupid to continue the hike when neither one of
them was enjoying it. At least a movie could make them both laugh; a
hike was only an opportunity to further their misery. She was about
to suggest that they turn back when there was an ominous roll of
thunder in the distance.
Aspen, who must have been so caught up in her thoughts that she was no longer paying attention to the world around her, looked noticeably started at the noise. In that moment, they must have come to the same conclusion. A thunderstorm was on the way, and they needed to get back to the jeep as fast as they could. Aspen spun around. Cass stepped forward. And just as they tried to get to each other, Aspen put her foot down on the wet moss on the side of the path.
The
effect was immediate.
Aspen's foot began to slide down the moss. She frantically tried to pick it up, but her other foot slipped across the mud. The straps of her sandals dug into her ankles, and she went tumbling down the side of the path into the woods. The slope wasn't too sharp and didn't last for long, but something about the fall made her cry out in pain.
Cass darted across the muddy path.
She knew that there was the risk of her slipping like Aspen had, but
she didn't care. Her best friend was in trouble. It was only when she
reached the place where Aspen had fallen that she finally slowed. She
carefully made her way down the small slope to where Aspen was trying
and failing to get to her feet. She was leaning up against the tree
closest to her, her clothes covered in mud and wet leaves. One foot
was firmly on the ground. The other was hesitantly wavering in the
air beside it.
The thunder rumbled, and rain started to fall from
the skies.
Cass stopped at her side. She was already trying to
assess the damage done by the fall – trying to tell herself that
things would be alright – but the truth was clear to see from
Aspen's hesitation to put her foot down. As the rain soaked through
their clothes, Aspen turned to look at her.
“Cassie?”
There
were tears in her eyes as she spoke.
And that was when Cass was
certain things had gone horribly wrong, because Aspen Lovelace never
cried over a minor scrap or bruise.
“I-I can't put my foot
down,” she said. There was terror in her voice, terror that only
intensified as another ominous roll of thunder shook through the
forest. “It hurts too much. I think...I think it might be broken.”
Cass was already searching for a branch that Aspen could use as
a temporary crutch. But even as she found one and hurried back to her
best friend, she knew it wouldn't be enough. Walking with the crutch
would slow down their pace considerably. They would never be able to
get back to their jeep in time. As if to confirm the horrifying
reality, thunder boomed overheard with a brilliant flash of
light.
Cass thrust the crutch into Aspen's hands. Aspen didn't
take it. She just stood there, looking at her with wide, terrified
eyes. “We're not going to beat the storm, are we?” she
questioned. Cass hesitated, then nodded. There was no point in hiding
it. “Would you be able to make it?”
She looked at how quickly
the rain was pouring, and felt how hard the wind was pushing against
her bare skin. “I don't think so.” She bit her lip and tried not
to cry. She had always been a careful hiker. She had always told
someone where she was going if she was on her own so they could find
her if she got lost. She always had her backpack on her. She always
had worn the proper clothes and footwear.
But she been stupid.
She had ignored all the warning signs, having been too caught up by
their earlier conversations to even worry about the possible
outcomes. And now they were stranded in the middle of the woods in
the middle of a thunderstorm, and Cass didn't know what they could
do.
She tried to reassure herself that things would be alright.
Getting killed by a lightning strike was a rare way to die, and the
possibility of them being hit when they couldn't even see the shape
of the lighting bolts-
There was another flash of light.
And,
as if the world wanted to prove her wrong, she could clearly make out
its shape.
The tears began to pour down her face, mixing with the
rain droplets that were already dotting her cheeks. Aspen was crying,
too. Maybe out of pain. Maybe out of fear. Cass didn't know. All that
she knew was that she was terrified of dying, and that this wasn't
how she wanted to go. She threw her arms around Aspen and pulled her
into a hug. Would this be the last time she hugged someone?
“Well,”
Aspen said, her voice quiet, “if I'm dying here, at least I get to
spend my last moments with you.”
The words should have
reassured her. The thought of her last moments being spent with her
best friend were almost poetic, but the thought of actually dying
ruined the illusion of a perfect ending. This wasn't how she wanted
to die. Maybe the storm would pass over them, and they wouldn't be
struck by lightning. It was, after all, a predictable thing. But she
wasn't ready to give up.
Not yet.
She pulled out of the
embrace. Making sure Aspen was holding the makeshift crutch, she
started to direct her away from the tree. Lighting struck the tallest
thing in an area. Standing underneath a tall tree would only heighten
their risk of getting killed by a lighting bolt. She tried to get
Aspen to use the crutch in the way that it was intended, but Aspen
stubbornly continued to just hold it in her hands.
“Cassie,”
she said, “I don't think we're going to survive this.”
She
shook her head. “We're going to make it.”
“We're not going
to make it to the jeep-”
“I know!” Cass exclaimed. There
was terror in her voice, but the adrenaline coursing through her
veins gave her a burst of a courage she didn't know she had. “But
I'm not ready to just sit by and let ourselves get killed when
there's something we can do to prevent it.”
Aspen fell silent.
It was impossible to tell if her argument had served its purpose, or
if Aspen had decided that she didn't want to spend her last moments
arguing.
Light began to fill the sky, immediately followed by another loud clap of thunder. It was hopeless. They'd never find a way to escape this storm, not when their only guaranteed shelter was too far away from them. But she still kept scanning the woods for something – anything – that could save them. It was her fault that they had gotten into this mess in the first place, and she would never be able to forgive herself in the afterlife if they died because of her.
I
need to protect Aspen.
As
the sound of the thunder died down, there was a sudden burst of
warmth from something right in front of her. Distracted by the
bizarre feeling, she looked down. The warmth was unfolding from her
locket – why else would it be emitting such a comforting golden
glow? The warmth was racing across her body now, covering every inch
of both bare skin and clothing. The glow became stronger. Now the
warmth was was passing from her hand to Aspen's, enveloping the both
of them as the light abruptly grew so bright that it blinded
her.
She instinctively closed her eyes.
There was a burst of
warmth.
Then Cass no longer felt the rain on her skin.
“Whoa,”
Aspen said from beside her.
Cass opened her eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey!
Yup, me again here for a review! =)
So first of all? The cliffhanger. Oof. The first thing I thought of though was a beautiful and fish garden full of flowers, and butterflies here and there, etc. But then I got another thought about a large town -- haunted looking -- was full of ghost people. B'like I haven't read anything yet so we shall see what happens!
Couple things I wanna say about this chapter.
1. You do a lot of telling instead of showing. Show us the start of the storm. Show us the panic in Cass. Show us Aspen falling. Get what I mean? Yeah. I mean I sorta do the same thing but we all learn at one point, am I right? cx
2. Over here--
Two very tiny things here - the 'be' I'm sure was meant to be 'been' instead. And the 'had' I think was meant time be 'how'.
3. Last thing, Aspen and Cass have been friends for a year, and I'm pretty sure you mentioned that they have a good friendship. They don't seem to be talking about what happened, and that seems to take away from the "good friendship" thing, ya know? Or maybe it's just me. :p
Anyways.
All the pointing out stuff aside, I'M LOVING THIS AND I'M READING ALL THE WAY TILL THE END. =D
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Hiya, Sae! Here I am again~
Small Comments
I feel like you could show rather than tell here. All you really need to say is that they're still driving along in silence, without even the radio in the background, and that Aspen's grip on the steering wheel is a little too tight. Then we know the mood is still awkward.
I really like the clipped sentences you use here. There's a methodical monotony to them that echoes the stilted atmosphere - it's great.
This bit I'm less keen on. The reader already knows this, so you're just stating the obvious again.
I'm all about that brevity.
You don't need to say that she doesn't care - just show her scrabbling down the slope, half-slipping, yelling Aspen's name, her heart in her throat and dizzy with panic. Actions, actions, actions. They can tell us a lot.
Another descriptive pointer - don't just describe what happens, but describe how it feels from the main character's perspective. You could say that rain started to fall, or you could say that the first drops of rain snapped at Cass's eyes or slid down her cheeks or whatever you like. Two accounts of the same event, but one is rooted much more strongly in the MC's point of view. Good for immersion.
Uh. This is a bit overdramatic. Sure, it's no fun being trapped in a thunderstorm and it's really not great that Aspen might have broken her ankle, but it's a bit premature to be like 'we're going to die out here!!!' Storms end, and it's not exactly likely that they'll be hit by lightening. I could understand if Aspen had tumbled into a ditch and snapped her leg - then there'd be a massive reason to panic, because there's doubtless no phone signal this far out, it would be impossible to move her, and it's not easy for Cass to run and find help with the wind battering her every which way. But Aspen's only done one ankle in and would probably be able to move with Cass's support, so it's hardly like they're in the jaws of death. They've just got to wait out the storm.
Why is she just giving up when she's not even tried yet? I could understand if she'd tried to walk and it was just too painful for her, but she's not even made an attempt.
Really good end! Simple but so effective.
Overall Thoughts
Everyone's already gone on about the melodrama of the storm and I discussed it in the small comments, so I won't labour the point. I get the sense that the locket only reacted because they were fearing for their lives, so I understand that toning their panic down might not be an option. So your only option is to make their scenario more severe. As Blue said, maybe have them be hiking in an area that's much more dangerous in rain and wind. Or maybe give Aspen a more incapacitating injury, something that actually could threaten her life if not attended to quickly. It just needs to be more dangerous.
Other than that, I was a little uncertain about why Aspen was so distant with Cass. I can understand there being awkwardness and Cass feeling awful that she'd put an uneasy damper on the day, but I don't get why Aspen seems to be ignoring her so blatantly. It's not like Cass has done anything wrong or deliberately withheld something from her - she's just been behaving oddly. If you want to have them separate, maybe you could develop the awkwardness into bickering and a cold silence. Perhaps Cass, frustrated by the unease, asks Aspen why she's being frosty towards her, and then Aspen gets on the defensive and is all like 'I'm not being frosty, you're the one acting weird' and then Cass gets upset and everything turns more sour. That could work.
Another alternative, of course, would be to lessen the rift between them in this chapter and just have them be quieter than usual. But I prefer the argument idea, because conflict's good. Especially if that conflict lands the characters, directly or indirectly, in a bad situation.
With that aside, though, I have to say how much I loved the end of the chapter! I'm so excited that the lockets are finally working. I'm an absolute sucker for alternate reality stories so I cannot wait to get stuck into the other world and find out how it works. I wonder how they'll react to it? Panic, I imagine, will be the first port of call. They'll be glad to have left the storm behind, but I wonder how long the relief will last.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hello again!! Here to get caught up once again
As soon as the girls started hiking I wondered if this would be when the powers of the lockets came into play and i'm glad we didn't have to wait too long to see the lockets in action!
My only qualm with this segment was that it felt a little melodramatic to me. I'm hardly one to talk because melodrama and I are one :p It struck me as odd to see them both so off at the start of this chapter after the conversation about the lockets and the dream. I get that it took them off guard, but they're acting so weird around each other and before now they've been pretty open and supportive of one another. Is this something they can talk through or have they reached a point where they just need to be alone for a little while?
Waited a day to do what? Tell her about the dream? Sure it might have made today more fun, but isn't it possible that Aspen would have reacted the same way and it would have put a damper on tomorrow?
It surprised me that in this state they still decided to go for a hike and that there was no conversation about whether they wanted to hike or just go home and save it for a different day. I get that they need to hike for plot reasons
The thunderstorm was the other part that felt a little melodramatic to me. I've been caught outdoors in thunderstorms before and I never worried I would die. I can understand for them that it's scary because they're not on the trail and there is a ton of lightening, but if they can keep themselves together they have a pretty good chance of getting out. Although I'm sure that part of the magic of the necklaces has to do with them being in danger
I liked how you showed the necklaces working and that it was a simple description we didn't get bogged down with, but that you showed enough for us to know what was going on and what was happening. Looking forward to seeing the world they end up in!
I'll skip on over to the next section, but in the meantime let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
Back again!
So there was a lot less focus on the lockets than I expected in this chapter! I don't know if you didn't want to draw too much attention to them - although considering the weird, like, "call" Cass got from the first one, it's already obvious that they're Plottastically Important. (Or maybe I just know too much because I've read your notes, but shhhhh.) Anyway, I was just surprised that they really didn't come up at all and that Cass was focused so much on the way the fun got sucked out of the day but not at all on this locket that had such a pull on her. I'm not saying that's good or bad, but it's an observation.
Maybe I'm missing something here, but it definitely seemed like the girls overreacted to being in the woods during a storm. Like they're going to get wet and it might be a little scary, but like "we're gonna die" is a bit much unless we really get into cliffs, rock slides and mud slides, trees cracking and bending and falling in the wind, things like that. Or I could even see one of the girls feeling that way simply because she has this phobia of storms, but in that case it would probably have to be something that's established (even on their way into the woods like "uh whoa maybe we can turn around???" and the other one's like "we'll be fine!!!" and the scared one is like "...." but in her head she's like "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") Plus it would really have to just be one of the girls, I think.
Like I said, an easier solution is just to paint a clearer picture of where they're hiking and show us that being out in a storm in this area is legitimately dangerous. Right now, I know they need a way for the Plot to Happen, but it's just that their fears felt blown all sorts of out of proportion to me.
Hiya Sae, one more review and I'll officially be up-to-date on my LMS reviews ^.^
Nit-picks:
Just a typo.
And another.
Overall:
I don't want to go too heavily into this since Zoom seems to have already covered it but: how bad is a storm? Cass says it herself, basically, they are super unlikely to get hit by lightning. Like, that's so rare an occurrence that it's what people say you have the same chance of as winning the lottery to show how unlikely people are to win the lottery. I guess a falling tree landing on them is a bigger worry, but given that they were on a hiking train, I'm guessing there's space to move away from the larger ones? Storms can be pretty bad, sure, maybe there's wind that's going to blow them off their feet and bash them into the trees? Or maybe debris is going to start flying around and hitting them? But not all storms are like that. For example, I come from Scotland, where it's basically always raining but our storms are almost never more severe than that. I know there are places where storms are much worse, but I don't automatically know what that's like, which makes it hard for me to buy into the jeopardy.
Also, why is Aspen so upset with Cass? They both had the dreams and they were both freaked out by the dreams, so I would have thought Aspen would feel sympathetic to Cass for being in a strange mood.
Your suspense with the locket is good though, the one line paragraphs at the cliffhanger end adding to that. I think these issues with jeopardy are things that can be resolved with a bit more explanation of the danger, or maybe slightly altering events, so the important thing actually is whether or not the lockets, your main hook, are interesting. And, in my opinion, they are!
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hey Saen,
You're probably sick of my critiques by now ^_^
Now that I understand more about the characters, I get why you emphasised this being “the perfect day” so much. I like the layers of emotion here. Cass really feels like she let Aspen down and she really values her friend’s happiness. Ugh stop making me feel things.
You could do away with some words here. Also I feel like there’s an “and” missing after “windows”?
Ah man ☹
The mechanical stage directions are back. Although I kinda get the impression this is on purpose because of the tone of this scene, I don’t know, it still feels a bit choppy and bland to read.
This word choice has a double meaning because it could either apply to their physical distance or their emotion distance. I normally would associate “bridging” with a metaphorical distance, so I’m leaning towards the latter.
Well they did talk about the trees like five seconds ago, and you didn’t necessarily mention that conversation not working out.
Ooh this was nice and so sad. Poor Cass. She needs Aspen so much.
I really like this analogy. It’s so simple but does the trick.
Why is the moss wet if the rain has not yet started?
Woah that’s kinda mean!
That’s not necessarily true FYI.
This is Cass’s pure love for Aspen talking, and I’m here for it.
***
Overall comments:
I like the emotions going into this scene and how Cass is so desperate to turn things around with Aspen. I feel so sorry for her because she obviously doesn’t understand what she is going through and just wants Aspen to help her, but at the same time she doesn’t want to jeopardise their fun day out. Poor Cass.
The part that didn’t really do it for me is how they turned a storm and a broken ankle into their imminent death. Like, calm down? Sure, storms are dangerous, and a broken ankle might make it difficult to navigate back to the Jeep, but come on, it’s not that big a deal. I mean, if this storm was acting atypically, like constantly striking the ground around them, then yeah let’s panic, but they didn’t even witness a strike all that close to them, and there were no indications that the storm was getting closer besides a single strike where Cass could make out the shape of the bolt. You stated it was the “middle of a thunderstorm” but I don’t completely buy this. So you either need to dial the storm up or dial their panic down. Also be careful about how knowledgeable you make them about storms, because they’re both wearing a metal locket around their neck. I’m sure the first defence against a storm is to ditch all the metal on you.
Another thing that stuck out is that you overused the dramatic standalone sentence device. It sort of loses impact if not used sparingly.
Finally, how dare you end on a cliff-hanger? Although you did write this quick so hopefully the next part will be out soon. Really wondering what the F happened haha.
-Zoom
Spoiler
P.S: you said “her best friend” three more times in this chapter but I promised never to mention this again