z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Three Lockets [Chapter 2.1]

by Mageheart


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 2

An hour later, the old jeep was pulling into the flea market. As the car rolled across the dirt parking lot to one of the shadier spots, Cass looked out her window at the sprawling field the tables were set up in. She had been to the location several times in the past to go to the annual town fair, but she had never been there when it was set up like this. The entire sight was a hodgepodge of miscellaneous things thrown together. From the little she could see from the parking lot, it was clear that there was a large variety of wares being sold. Fresh produce, clothes, jewelry – if she could think of it, it was probably sitting on one of the tables.

The steady stream of people wandering throughout the makeshift aisles lacked the same diversity. With the exception of one or two families and their young children, it appeared that Aspen and her were some of the youngest shoppers at the market. Everyone appeared to be well into adulthood.

She remained where she was even after Aspen parked the jeep. Dealing with people her own age was daunting enough. Adults were an entirely different problem. Even when they treated her like the adult she almost was, she still couldn't quite shake the feeling that she was somehow inferior because they had a better grasp on their lives.

Aspen suddenly flung her door open. Cass, startled, spun around to see her best friend in the middle of hopping out onto the parking lot. A cloud of dirt flung up as her feet hit the ground. Save for a brief cough, she seemed unfazed by the dust in the air.

Cass watched as she started to close the door, only to open it back up and reach for the purse nestled between their seats. Her fingers brushed up against the leather. Her arm was almost long enough to reach the purse, but not quite. Aspen let out a heavy sigh and held out her hand. “Could you pass me that?”

She nodded and did as asked.

“Thanks,” Aspen said, grinning. “Would have been bad if I had forgotten that.”

She popped back out of the car.

Cass, getting her own purse from the back, followed suit. Though she wasn't exactly excited about interacting with all of the people in the flea market, she was eager to spend the day with Aspen.

She joined Aspen on the other side of the car.

They began to walk towards the field. There was no official entrance to the flea market, so Cass lingered behind her best friend and let Aspen guide her to one of the aisles.

Cass was immediately bombarded by the overwhelming smell of leather and tobacco. It was an interesting combination, and not what she would have expected of a flea market. She took in the other smells interwoven with the two strongest ones, but she couldn't tell what exactly they were – possibly spices from some of the food being sold several tables down, or maybe the mustiness of the old books in the table they had just passed.

Aspen was taking things surprisingly slow. Rather than hurry from table to table like Cass had expected she would, she stood in front of each table they passed, looked through the wares being sold and exchanged pleasantries with the seller.

She was currently standing in front of a table selling an odd collection of things: car parts, old movies missing parts of their covers, jewelry and even a couple of things of canned food. She couldn't see the correlation between the items being sold, but it seemed like this was a common theme among the vendors. It seemed like they were selling whatever they had on hand. She guessed that was why Aspen was waiting for so long in front of each table. It wasn't like shopping at a mall; you need more than a quick glance to figure out what was being sold and if it was something you'd be interested in.

Cass started to dig through the jewelry box as Aspen and the vendor's conversation shifted from the weather to the movies on the table. Unable to find anything other than a seemingly endless pile of decorative pins, she awkwardly stood behind Aspen for the rest of the conversation. It ended a minute later when Aspen turned to see Cass standing behind her. Saying goodbye to the vendor, Aspen pulled her aside.

“You okay?” she asked. “You've been quiet since we got here.”

Cass looked down at the ground. “I've just been thinking.”

“About what?” Cass hesitated. In turn, Aspen asked, “Are you thinking about the conversation we had back at Dunkin?”

She shook her head. While that might have been on her mind, that had little to do with how she currently felt. She didn't need a mysterious set of dreams to make her feel anxious in a large group of people. That was something Aspen was usually quite in tune with, but she was understandably distracted by the flea market going on around them. Cass wouldn't have thought that it would bother her then, but it was different when Aspen hadn't be aware of her feelings in the first place.

She didn't want to ruin this day for her.

“Cassie, I know we haven't been best friends for that long. Hell, we didn't even meet each other until last year.” Aspen grabbed onto Cass' hands and gave them a tight squeeze. “But I'm here for you. If something's wrong, you can let me know. Okay? Don't keep it in.”

There was no way to get out of telling her, was there? Even if she tried to avoid it, Aspen would just continue to ask her why she was acting different. Cass took a deep breath. Pulling her hands away and putting them in the pockets of her shorts, she looked up at Aspen. “There's a lot of people here. I'm not sure if I can handle all of them...”

Aspen glanced at the aisle they were in, her gaze traveling from shopper to vendor to shopper again as she took in Cass' answer. When she finally looked back at her, she was giving her a reassuring grin. “Don't worry,” she earnestly promised. “I won't leave your side, and I'll make sure we find some tables that have things both of us are interested in so you're thoroughly distracted. How does that sound?”

Cass thought over the suggestion.

A small smile began to creep across her face. “I think that will help.”

“Then it's a plan,” Aspen decided.

She proceeded to grab onto Cass' wrist and give it a sharp tug, pulling her back out into the aisle as she started to head towards the next vendor. Though her discomfort didn't magically go away after the conversation or the ones that followed, having Aspen by her side made her feel just a little bit better.

And that was all that she needed to enjoy herself.


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Wed Dec 18, 2019 3:23 am
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Lib says...



Not much to comment on here but omg having a friend like Aspen should be the law!




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Tue Sep 18, 2018 8:30 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Saen! Back again.

Small Comments

An hour later, the old jeep was pulling into the flea market.


I don't see why you need the progressive aspect here. Just 'pulled into the flea market' would be more concise and direct.

With the exception of one or two families and their young children, it appeared she and Aspen were some of the youngest shoppers at the market. Everyone appeared to be well into adulthood.


This part just needed tightening up a little. Also, it has to be 'she and Aspen' rather than 'Aspen and her' because in this context they're both subjects of the verb, not objects. If you're ever uncertain whether to use 'she' or 'her' in a conjunction, get rid of the second name, like this:

Aspen and her were the youngest shoppers there.

Her was the youngest shopper there.
- Obviously weird, right?

She and Aspen were the youngest shoppers there.

She was the youngest shopper there.
- Acceptable!

This also works for when they're in the object position, too. You say 'they spoke to her and Aspen' in the same way that you'd say 'they spoke to her'. It's a small and picky grammar point, but hey, may as well get it right! :)

Even when they treated her like the adult she almost was, she still couldn't quite shake the feeling that she was somehow inferior because they had a better grasp on their lives.


Oh, Cass. I'm almost three years into adulthood and I still feel like that.

Aspen suddenly flung her door open. Cass, startled, spun around to see her best friend in the middle of hopping out onto the parking lot. A cloud of dirt flung up as her feet hit the ground. Save for a brief cough, she seemed unfazed by the dust in the air.

Cass watched as she started to close the door, only to open it back up and reach for the purse nestled between their seats. Her fingers brushed up against the leather. Her arm was almost long enough to reach the purse, but not quite. Aspen let out a heavy sigh and held out her hand. “Could you pass me that?”

She nodded and did as asked.

“Thanks,” Aspen said, grinning. “Would have been bad if I had forgotten that.”


I'm not really sure why you need this passage? It just feels transitional and unimportant, unless it's got hidden significance that will be revealed later.

even a couple of things of canned food.


'A couple of cans of food', perhaps? More concise.

“Cassie, I know we haven't been best friends for that long. Hell, we didn't even meet each other until last year.”


Zoom is correct that this is too expository. I think you'd get away with the first sentence, but the second is too obviously for the audience's benefit.

Even if she tried to avoid it, Aspen would just continue to ask her why she was acting different


It's already clear what she'd be asking her about. You don't need to state the obvious.

Overall Thoughts

This was still a pretty enjoyable chapter, and I sense we're getting close to the discovery of the lockets, which is exciting. One of the things that really pleased me with this segment was that you paid a lot more attention to sensory description - I liked that you took time to describe the different scents of the flea market, because smell is such an evocative sense to set a scene with. There are still improvements to be made on that front - I think you could integrate the sensory description more throughout. Rather than just having a paragraph dedicated to smell, sprinkle different details about scents and sounds throughout the chapter, because description should feel sustained. Still, this was a big improvement.

I would like you to talk more about sound, though, especially given that Cass's anxiety is such a focus in this chapter. We're told about her fear of crowds more than we're shown it. If you dedicated more time to describing those crowds, and the way they jostle and call and move and bump against her, and how their voices blur together into one block of noise, we'd get a better sense of how the anxiety affects Cass. At the moment, it's kind of claims without much evidence - if you hadn't said outright that Cass couldn't handle this many people, I'm not sure I'd have picked up on it.

It's lovely that Aspen is so supportive, but at the same time I did feel like she was a bit...clueless in her suggestion? If a friend told me they were feeling anxious from the crowds, I'd recommend we move to a different part of the market with quieter stalls and less people until they felt calmer. Aspen comes across like a friend who really wants to help but doesn't know enough about anxiety to know how best to behave. Which is an excellent character flaw! But it would be great if you addressed it as such. Things seem a little too sweet and too perfect between the friends right now. It would be good (and believable) if Cass didn't find Aspen's advice that helpful, but was at least comforted by the fact that she was trying so hard. I'd just like you to emphasise the differences between the girls a bit more. They can still be great friends who support each other, but they're also very different people, and they haven't known each other for that long. There are bound to be mismatches in communication. That's just how life is.

I do agree with Biscuits that the transition from the mystery of the dreams to the social anxiety feels a little odd. The chapters have felt a tad episodic so far, like you deal with one issue per chapter. Cass's uneasiness about the dreams is something that should really be sustained across this segment, but it kind of takes a back seat and instead all of her energy is taken up with the emergence of her anxiety. There's not enough cohesion, if you get what I mean.

Still, as critical as I always am in these reviews, I am really enjoying this so far! When I got up this morning, I was super excited at the idea of reading and reviewing more chapters. It's an easygoing story and I feel really affectionate towards the characters already. I'll have to savour reading one chapter after the other while I can, because at the rate I'm going I'll catch up soon.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:36 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!!

Cass and Aspen are going to become a thing, aren't they ;)

I really like how supportive Aspen is of Cass. It's cool that even though they haven't know each other for very long, that their relationship has been meaningful enough that Cass feels comfortable opening up to her like this! I'm also anxious by nature and it took me a long time to learn to open up to people (and it's still not my forte :p).

I'm curious about what Cass was expecting when they decided to go to a flea market for their perfect day. I know they've never been to one before, but surely she figured there would be lots of people there and that's obviously a trigger for her. Was it a I might not really enjoy this but I know Aspen really wants to/would enjoy it, so I'm going to pretend I'm into it so I don't let her down or ruin the fun? but then she actually gets there and realizes nah this is too much?

I like that Aspen though about what might make Cass more comfortable (going to a table with things they'll both be interested in so Cass will be distracted). But I would also like Cass to take a little more of the reigns so to speak and tell Aspen what she thinks she needs to make this more comfortable for her rather than Aspen telling her what Aspen thinks she needs. And now maybe Cass has no idea what she needs (other than escape from this scene) and Aspen knows her well enough to know what will make Cass more comfortable. If that's the case, I'd describe that Cass appreciates that Aspen knows her well enough to make such a sound suggestion or something.

And in this whole scene as they were exploring (especially when she was rummaging through that jewelery!) I was like is this when they find the lockets? is THIS when they find the lockets? :p
Next segment perhaps ;)

Until then, let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! :D




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Thu Jul 26, 2018 3:30 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Saen, stop 8 on my tour of LMS Week 3!

Nit-picks:

“About what?” Cass hesitated.

The way Cass is the first word after this speech makes it look as if the dialogue tag is hers.

Overall:

I guess I would describe this chapter as extremely enjoyable filler? Let's take the two parts of that.

Extremely enjoyable:

1. Excellent setting description. Not just physical description but getting across the vibe of the wares and how homely they are. Also getting across how varied they are, and how fascinated Aspen is with them.

2. Having the point of this chapter essentially be Cass's social anxiety? I love that you have given a lot of attention to this, though I will go into in a second why I'm not sure about it being the subject of a chapter. It's something I feel extremely intensely and certainly could be a major plot point, or at least something important in Cass's development.

3. Character explanation. They are close, but they don't know each other as well as some best friends do. This is unusual, because usually in writing friends have known each other since childhood, so I like seeing people who have become this close in later teenage(? if you've said the age I've forgotten) life.

Filler:

The reason why I don't think an exploration of social anxiety makes a lot of sense as its own chapter is that ideally this is something that is developed continuously throughout an entire novel and character arc. This chapter then essentially becomes filler because it doesn't have like The Thing In This Chapter. If this was the main crux of the story, then it might make more sense as setting up the main jeopardy, but we have just had the dreams thing, which makes this seem a bit fluffy(I know, that's a horrible thing to say about social anxiety, but from its position in the story I don't really have a better way of describing it). Maybe if this and the last chapter had been the other way around?

Anyway, I hope this makes sense, but feel free to talk to me if I have done as poorly at making myself clear as I'm worried I have :P

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review!

Oooh, I didn't think of that! Thanks for pointing that out. I'll make sure to separate things or write it clearer in the second draft.

I don't believe I've mentioned their ages here before, but Cass and Aspen are both seventeen years old. I've personally been through a lot of different friend groups myself, so I've always loved when characters become friends later in life than earlier on. Even if it's only been a year since they met, a lot of things can happen in a year. It took me less time than that to become best friends with one of my current ones.

Yeah, it's definitely a bit of filler before the events in the next part of this chapter. I wanted to give a good description to lead up to the lockets and just to describe the flea market in general, but I can see how the timing is bad after the dream chapter. Do you think the flow would be better if I tried having them think about the dreams more in it?

Thanks again for the review!



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Mon Jul 23, 2018 8:50 am
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Zoom wrote a review...



Hey, you know why I’m here ^_^

An hour later, the old jeep was pulling into the flea market. As the car rolled across the dirt parking lot to one of the shadier spots, Cass looked out her window at the sprawling field the tables were set up in. She had been to the location several times in the past to go to the annual town fair, but she had never been there when it was set up like this. The entire sight was a hodgepodge of miscellaneous things thrown together. From the little she could see from the parking lot, it was clear that there was a large variety of wares being sold. Fresh produce, clothes, jewelry – if she could think of it, it was probably sitting on one of the tables.


I recall them going to Dunkin Donuts? I’m confused how/why we’re now at a flea market.

She remained where she was even after Aspen parked the jeep


Remove the word “even”, this implies she could get out while the Jeep was still moving. I guess she could, but that would be silly. Also I believe “jeep” deserves capitalisation because it’s a brand.

Aspen suddenly flung her door open


You almost never need to use the word “suddenly”. Flinging a door open is already a sudden movement.

She joined Aspen on the other side of the car.


This is mundane and unnecessary.

so Cass lingered behind her best friend and let Aspen guide her to one of the aisles.


This is the second time in 2.1 you’ve reminded us of their relationship. I think I pointed this out in 1.2, too. Trust your readers to remember information like this.

“Cassie, I know we haven't been best friends for that long. Hell, we didn't even meet each other until last year.”


Forced exposition. This isn’t believable dialog. People rarely use names in dialog, or remind each other of things that are obvious.

***

Overall comments:

My main issue is again, nothing particularly interesting is happening. This may come down to personal tastes, I know some people enjoy a slow pace at the beginning of a novel so that they can connect with the characters etc, however I like to delve straight into the heart of the story. If I’m reading about someone walking around a flea market, or doing anything that I can experience for myself, then I lose patience and interest really quickly.

Another issue I have is that you have a tendency to include actions that read more like stage directions. Cass moved here, Aspen turned around etc. It’s robotic and unnecessary. If an action doesn’t enrich the readers’ understanding of something then delete it (same goes for any sentence, really). Otherwise, use action to enhance characterisation and dialog. You already know this so I don’t need to go into too much detail ^_^

Something I found really interesting about 2.1 is the extent you played on Cass’s social anxiety. You hinted towards this at the beginning of 2.1 but I just assumed “oh okay so she’s kinda introverted”, but then you surprised me by how far you delved into this. Also you’ve added another level to their friendship, it almost seems as if Cass is dependant on Aspen, maybe even in an unhealthy way? Very intriguing. I advise to capture Cass’s feeling of unease at the start, just a tad more, because this is an element strong enough to immerse me into the story. Instead of just being “Cass goes to a flea market” it would become “how will Cass deal with being at a flea market” - instantly more interesting.

Slow start but with a lot of promise towards the end.

-Zoom




Mageheart says...


A belated thank you for the review! I meant to reply to this sooner but it completely slipped by mind.

When I was working on this chapter in a pad, I talked with two of the other readers and we all decided that a time skip to the flea market would be best - since the story's already dragging as it is.

Since the first half of your review is nitpicks, I'll just focus on replying to last part to save both of us some time.

The reason for the lack of action in these first chapters is so they can serve as a point of comparison later on. I know it must seem boring when you only get a thousand words of it to read per week, but it would hopefully be a lot more entertaining when the book is in paper.

I apologize for my actions are written. I'm admittedly quite bad at describing things in my story, so I try overcompensating in this chapter with going into detail about everything.

Thanks for the advice! I admit I wasn't originally planning on having Cass' social anxiety play such a major role, but I thought it would be fun at the start of the chapter to add in some struggles I've dealt with before. Luckily, the future chapters shouldn't have it be as jarring - I've already been thinking of ways to include it better.

Thank you again for your review!




Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
— bluewaterlily