The Cockroach Encounter

A hilarious one.
I liked this part
"Days passed, but the loner insect lay there still,

Gosh! At night, this gave me frightening chills.

Owing to my species’ superiority, I initially disdained,

But how could I overlook his hunger and his pain?'

Happy REVIEW DAY!

Hello, SWOPNIL.

Kanome here with a wonderful review for you!

First off, when I read the title, then the poem, I didn't expect it to be about an ACTUAL cockroach encounter in the bedroom.

But honestly, I really like this poem, it flows well and it makes to me.

My favorite lines were:
" Now, to my own lovable species (where my loyalties lie), this could be a threat,

Gone would be the days of humans and our might, insects would be declared great.

Heat of the moment, it was clearly, at the creepy little cockroach I aimed instead,

First bullet passed by his left antenna, but with the second shot, he dropped dead."

Because of how it ended. In the end, I honestly laughed a little because of the irony, at least, I think there's irony in it.

All in all, this is a weird (Good kind of weird) yet interesting poem. I can't wait to read more of your work. Keep it up! c:

-K

Hey Swopnil! Here to review this poem of yours!
Okay, so honestly at first I was scared to read this because honestly, if there's two bugs that freak me out, they are cockroaches and spiders. (I know spiders aren't insects, don't judge) Alright, so this is a really cool concept! I love how even though you seemed afraid, you still saw the hunger and helplessness of the cockroach and wanted to help it. That was.....different and unusual. I love it! My favorite part of this was the lines that said:

Heat of the moment, it was clearly, at the creepy little cockroach I aimed instead,

First bullet passed by his left antenna, but with the second shot, he dropped dead.

This was a nice ending. However, I do find it a bit abrupt. I wanted to hear more. It's kinda like, I'm suddenly gonna end this poem by killing the cockroach. So.....I want to hear what else happened. I guess it was kinda like the cliffhanger you read at the end of a book series then get mad at the author. I'M MAD AT YOU! (I'm not! I'm really not!!) I loved this poem and would love to hear more! Maybe a sequel? That would be AWESOME! See ya around the site! Keep writing!
-Sis

Not. What. I. Expected.

This part was my favourite:

'Days passed, but the loner insect lay there still,

Gosh! At night, this gave me frightening chills.

Owing to my species’ superiority, I initially disdained,

But how could I overlook his hunger and his pain?'

Because it was hilarious. The character is treating this like some sort of huge problem. And I have had previous experience with moths and spiders and things, I have NEVER thought about helping them. So it made me laugh and realise that I was mean. :/

But yes, apart from making me laugh and cause a revelation it was great.

Punctuation was well used, good vocab and pace.

Well done.

This was really nice, and I liked the humour of the piece. The rhyming is superb, not only are there no rhymes in particular that seem forced, but the lines,
"Oh! I thought, this explains the sleepless eyes,
Perhaps, as co-existent lives, we share certain ties."
work great!
There are a couple of lines that I would point out for improvment.
"Oh! Who am I kidding? It is rather the insect terror
Imagine a cockroach feeding on my nose, what can be drearier?"
I object to the word "drearier", because it doesn't seem to mach the "terror" that you have wrote about. Sorry if I missed the point somewhere.
"First bullet passed by his left antenna, but with the second shot, he was drop dead!"
I like the idea of shooting at an insect, however the last clause, "he was drop dead!", doesn't make sense. Perhaps "he had dropped dead!"?
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Hello! I'm here to review as promised - let's see what you've got here!

Specifics

1. Do we need to know that the speaker has rolled over in their bed? I think this would be more gripping if you jump right in to him/ her seeing this creepy crawly and their reaction to that. I think the trouble is you're trying too hard to keep to a rhyme scheme and that makes your opening feel very slow and drawn out. If you really want to keep the rhyme, then support it with a rhythm. Maybe try using ten beats per line, so something like:

My eyes are fixed, I dare not move at all, (10)
though I am big - my nemesis so small - (10)
but how he moves upon my wall tonight (10)
without a thought for my dark, sleepless plight. (10)

Or - and I hope you don't mind - I could add some alliteration and iambs to yours for a slightly faster pace:

I roll over in bed, lay my eyes upon the wall
and in the darkest corner, a dark being begins to crawl.
Oh, this explanation, for my sleepless eyes,
as co-existent beings, must we share these waking ties?
Or is it insect terror, the shaking in my bones
the thought of cockroach antlers wriggling by my toes,
the thought of cockroach gnashes nibbling on my nose -
how can I sleep soundly when on and on it drones?

Obviously this is a quick re-write and some of those words could be better chosen, but hopefully it illustrates how a rhythm works with rhyme to build a tempo and how you can use that to show fear or excitement in your persona.

2. Try to be more careful in your word choice. An example which comes to mind is the use of 'drearier' in the last stanza. The placement of this word makes it really important for setting the final emotion of that stanza and choosing to describe the horrific act of a cockroach eating someone's face as 'dreary' really undermines your poem. It adds a comic element, but there are no previous hints of comedy to support it so it feels out of tone with the rest. If that's the route you were hoping to go down, you may want to read Donne's poem 'The Flea' which is a bit dated but in a similar way creates a story around an insect.

3. I really like the persona's thought of feeding the insect. I'd like to see a more gradual build toward pity though, maybe some attempts to be rid of the insect first. And does this person lay in bed all day as well as all night, unable to look away from the cockroach? That might show a building psychosis. I'd also like you to describe them reaching for the gun - where do they get it from? Are they the kind of person who sleeps with a gun? Did they ever expect to use it on something so small? Do they point it at the cockroach first and only then consider that it might be a friend? Also there's a cluster of bugs on the wall? That seems odd - why is the speaker so transfixed by one cockroach if there are other bugs? Just a few things to think about!

Overall

This is fun! I think it could be tidier because at the moment it doesn't read very smooth, but you've got a good idea and the sense of humour really starts to come through toward the end. I think if you build that more carefully, you could have a really nice balance between true horror and hilarity.

Just remember that the small details are what really make a poem work and poetic techniques are there to help you when it feels like the words aren't enough. Some rhyme and alliteration would really help you polish this piece up.

Take care!

Heather xx

I have to admit, I always feel funny reviewing for people older than I am, even if I have YWS seniority over them.

In all honesty, however, I thought that this was very funny. I thought you handled the rhyme scheme brilliantly, and it never felt forced. (Believe me, there is a right way and a wrong way to rhyme. Thankfully, you did it right.)

It's broken up well, the stanzas are all pretty even (it's okay when they are not but most of the time it just looks better when they are).

One issue I noticed was that some of your longer lines were just a bit to long, and that messed up the rhythm a little bit. I recommend either shortening them or splitting them up into smaller lines, but hey, if you don't want to, that's alright man.

I never really pay to much attention to grammar when it comes to poetry, since the rules pretty much fly out the window, but there was a issue I noticed that confused me (and possibly other readers) slightly:

Heat of the moment, it was maybe, at the creepy little cockroach I aimed instead,

Hey there! First of all, welcome to YWS! We like seeing new faces around here!

To begin with, I like the whole idea behind your poem. It is indeed true that even though we are a much bigger and threatening species, many of us humans tend to be simply terrified by the tiny insects. So I applaud you on your efforts to portray such a common occurrence!

Now down to the nitty gritty details.

Rolling over the bed, I lay my eyes on the front-wall,

Right at its corner, I behold, a fellow being crawl.

Oh! I thought, this explains the sleepless eyes,

Perhaps, as co-existent lives, we share certain ties.

Oh! Who am I kidding? It is rather the insect-terror

Imagine a cockroach feeding on my nose, what can be drearier?

Days passed, but the loner insect lay there still,

Gosh! At night, this gave me frightening chills.

Owing to my species’ superiority, I initially disdained,

But how could I overlook his hunger and his pain?

How about I help him fetch his food?

I could shoot some bugs, toss them at him, and say “my treat, dude!”

The gun, I aimed, at a cluster of bugs, but just when I was ‘bout to pull the trigger,

It occurred to me, if I feed this insect now and later,

He shall eat all he can, to grow bigger and bigger,

Now, to my own lovable species (where my loyalties lie), this could be a threat,

Gone would be the days of humans and our might, insects would be declared great.

Heat of the moment, it was maybe, at the creepy little cockroach I aimed instead,

First bullet passed by his left antenna, but with the second shot, he was drop dead!

Pen here with a review, as requested!
It's a good poem, and I can see the elements of humor, but there are still a few things that bugged me.
*ba dum tiss*
No? Okay. Here I go.
First of all, try to stay consistent. It bothered me that the rhyme scheme was aabb, but then seemingly random words were thrown in. To me, and I'm trying to not be blunt here, the rhyming was sloppy and lazy. Try to dig deeper. Try to actually think about what your writing.
Humor can be hard in poetry, but once you figure it out, you'll be set.
My next issue is with your tenses. Just like with the rhyme scheme, uniformity is key. We want it to make sense, now don't we?
Your poem would be much more humorous if you were to change around the lines, not actually switching them, but for example, you said, "Heat of the moment, it was maybe, at the creepy little cockroach I aimed instead."
Perhaps we can rearrange that.
"And in the heat of the moment, I aimed at the bug instead."
Because 'cockroach' gets redundant. So, maybe you can just change the lines and it will flow better.
To me, reading it, I felt as if the lines were choppy, and it's a really big put off.
Nevertheless, it was good. And humorous.
Good job, and keep writing!
~Pen