Okay, I've been puking poetry recently. *glares at Snoink*
This is inspired by Tennyson's Mariana and the rhyme scheme is from that if it looks odd. I know it's nothing like as good, but I'm hoping it's okay. It's my first shot at Ye Olde English but I'm trying to do it in the style of Mariana. Yep.
The Pear Tree
“The rusted nails fell from the knots
That held the pear to the gable-wall”
Mariana, Tennyson
My fair young mistress has not shown
My garden love of late
She remains indoors, alone,
Resigned so to her fate
Sees not my pain, nor more than weeps,
Cares nought but for herself
While she is so, I have not health
My fruits now ne’er shall reap.
Happiness, henceforth, is marred,
No more canst I stand tall
I think my mistress cruel and hard
Forsooth, so art us all.
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Canary word: Present
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Actually, it is just a self-absorbed pear tree! I know it's stupid, but my Lit teacher insisted on giving us a rather badly drawn illustration and I couldn't get that tree out of my mind. I'm flattered, though, that you thought it had another level. I think it's a good sign when your poetry is interpreted in different ways. Right?
Hey, Grinion!
So! This poem, for the most part, sounded pretty. But it really didn't have much substance to it. The main plot line of the poem is a guy who is trying to get to a girl who won't have him. It's kind of cliched! Yes, it's different from our style today... but that doesn't necessarily make it great or allow it to stand the test of time. So I would suggest you make these characters a bit more real, if you want to pull this off better!
Thanks for the reviews, after how my poetry normally is I was not expecting it to be recieved so well!
Classy, that was the part I struggled with, too. And I agree about the Ye Olde English thing, it's the first time I've written it and I wasn't sure entirely where to use the thees, thous and thines.
So, yeah, thanks. I appreciate it.
~Grin
this was the only part I found awkward. The last part, after the comma, well, to me, it just doesn't make sense. I am not too sharp on old English, but I don't think this is how it's supposed to go. (correct me if I'm wrong.)
So, like I said before, I don't know much about old English, but I think you executed it well here, from what I can tell. The only thing I have to point out is that you start out more modern English than when you end. About halfway through the poem I realized you were speaking in that way. You might want to look back at that.
I liked it, nice theme, very beautiful poem.
Classy
Hail Cheesy-one!
I clicked on this thinking, "Yay trees!" (I might be a hippie.) I received a pleasant surprise.
I love the early modern English thing (Old English is nearly impossible to read, and Middle English is almost so--think Chaucer. Early modern--Shakespearean.) But anyway, that's not what I'm here to say. Still, I love to see ventures into the realms of Thee, Thou, Art, and -Eth.
I want to comment on your rhythm and rhyme first. They're both absolutely beautiful--the rhyme wasn't forced at all, and the rhythm is lovely. It's not at all hard to read and to me almost has a musical quality to it. Infinite kudos on this one.
I have a little bit of a beef with the punctuation, so I'll just insert what I think. As always, you can take it or leave it:
Also, for most of the periods I've stuck in, you could use a semicolon. Play with it and see; however, as I said, if this was intentional, ignore it.
I am honestly floored at how well you pulled this off. I have nothing else to suggest other than a bit of a punctuation change.
I've been puking *at* poetry lately, but this is different. Sorry if I sound like a flailing, squealing fangirl. This really is good. I'd love something like that to be my first foray in older languages.
Take care and keep up the good work!
~Freyja