So, I thought I'd try something different - this is about the electrical stimulation of the heartbeat, which you can read about here. I know it's appalling, so please feel free to tear it to shreds.
Cardiac Conduction
Something starts.
She bursts forth like a baby from her mother’s womb,
many dear sisters alongside.
Spreading out
Searching
Seeking
Lost.
Found!
She has found a way out
Turns to her sisters –
She sees their silent deaths at the prison walls.
Painless
Quick
Gone.
One lone sister still behind her
Lone survivors, carry on
Down the corridor
So small its walls move around their bulging shapes
A junction.
Silent agreement –
She turns left and her sister turns right.
An exit!
She calls out, but her sister is dying
slowly.
Of sisters many, only she remains
And must escape.
She throws herself toward the exit
almost free –
The loving voices of her sisters engulf her
as she slowly joins them
in another womb.
---
And, because I can, the first draft is in the spoiler tag. This one's even worse.
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Canary word: Present
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139,543 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hello,
I have to agree with Freak on the fact that I didn't get the connection at all to electric stimulation of the heart at all until I read the article and then looked over your poem three times more. It's just too disconnected (pardon my loss of a better word) from the subject. I think it's your personification of it through women that absolutely confuses me. You should definitely expand this work and describe what is really happening--not just spin a story about sister's flooding through tubes. It just didn't quite make sesne to me. Sorry.
Keep up the work!
~Horseradish
Hey Big_Cheesy_Grin, I'm Freak.
I thought this was a good start; it has lots of potential and could be so much better.
So, first I'll start off with telling you that I really don't understand what this poem is about, I guess I get some points but I had to read it slowly and twice to get it. I don't know if that's just me...The reader shouldn't have to read an article about Cardiac Conduction to understand the phases you based your words on...I'm guessing that was what you're trying to do?
I think you should start of with "Lost" instead of "Spread out," because first you realize that someone/thing is lost, right? And then you and your buddies or others start to spread out, seek, and find.
The usage of "lone" twice makes these lines sound weird and you need some kind of punctuation mark at the end of "Her" otherwise it doesn't make sense.
This doesn't make sense. So something is small then the walls movement makes it larger? Didn't get that.
The ending is extremely good, and I loved it. I got the whole end pretty much and I like the use of similes and metaphors.
Fine job, and keep writing.
~ CreativeFreak,
'Cause I'm cool like that (not).