*So... This was a tried story... Once.. And I decided to retry writing it, changing the plot, etc. The Prologue, so you aren't confused, is Spaceship Captains talking back and forth.. Hehe, yes.*
Prologue:
Flokl: Spaceship Tad, our defenses are not in order to fight this war, we cannot aid the war effort on planet Keanth. We are sorry to say our men are worn and injured from the previous war on planet Reliegh. Our uttermost apologies.
Tad: Spaceship Flokl, take all necessary maneuvers to ensure your men make it through, we have seen photos of the carnage planet Reliegh inflicted on your men. We accept your apology, this galaxy is simply aggressive and hostile.
The Painted Lady: Spaceship Tad, we are offering our men to the war efforts. They are proud to serve the Sol System Army. Spaceship Flokl, our blessings to your men, and woman. General Grien sends his blessings as well. The men and even woman we have lost have not died in vain. Spaceship Tad, Spaceship Flokl, General Grien has also informed me to tell you, that my daughter, Cosma Stargazer, will be fighting in the war. She wishes everyone on the ships to not worry, and that hopefully one more soldier can make the difference in this aggressive galaxy.
Tad: Spaceship The Painted Lady, we hope she will survive this war. But you and General Grien himself, should know better than to put an innocent child into a war. We all know that an even better solution would be an arranged marriage, but we cannot forgive this galaxy for what they have done to Sol. We would have to all agree these people must understand what they have done.
Flokl: Spaceship Tad, Spaceship The Painted Lady, we, Spaceship Flokl, must sign off from the conversation, we need all the hands we can have to help our wounded men. Captain Intuta, signing off. -bleep-
Tad: It is in our best views to sign off as well, Captain Stargazer, I expected great things from you, but to give your own daughter to the war effort, I am unsure if your head is in the right place or not. Signing off, Captain Lee. -bleep-
Captain Stargazer ran a hand through his salt and pepper colored hair, sighing. He leaned back in his chair and stared at the communication screen, rubbing his white beard. “Perhaps Intuta, perhaps I have finally lost it.” He glanced to his right, where a stocky man stood. His dark uniform was decorated in pins and in gold lettering his shirt read, ‘Grien’.
“Captain, she may help with the war. She has requested and you accepted, see it as something for her to take her anger out.” General Grien’s voice was husky and deep, and he shifted to look at the picture on the Captain’s desk.
Captain Stargazer looked at the picture and picked it up, “She is as fiesty was her mother was.” He chuckled sadly, “Grien, promise me this, if she cannot finish the training, do not allow her to the war field. Take all things necessary if she cannot withstand the harsh environment she is about to endure. If you must, injure her. She is as stubborn as her mother, and we both know what happened.” He sighed heavily and looked at the General.
General Grien just nodded, “I will do what is necessary if she cannot fight.” He bowed to the Captain and made his way out of the door.
Chapter One; A woman’s Duty
General Grien walked past the line up, kicking a shin and patting a chest of every other soldier. He could see them well, they all averaged the same height, all but a good handful. He came up to the first shorter person and stopped, staring at her.
The woman saluted him and stood straighter, resisting the urge to cross her arms over her chest as he looked her over. He grabbed her chin and made her look up more. She didn’t argue, only elbowed the neighboring soldiers who snickered. He glared at them and took a step back.
“Soldier Stargazer!” He demanded.
“Sir, yes, sir!” She stood straighter and tried not to bump into the other soldiers. Her voice was high pitched and some men down the line laughed.
“Are you sure you want to do this!”
“Yes sir! I am honored to do this sir!” She nodded.
“Do you understand here you are not Princess Stargazer, Princess Comsa?”
“Yes sir!”
“Here, you cannot flirt with the other soldiers, or have any romantic relation with any other soldiers! If I find you kissing, or any other form of that gushy romance taking place, I will personally pull down your pants and give you the spanking of your life! Then, I will escort you to your father! Do you understand Soldier?”
“Yes sir!” She nodded shortly and tried not to smile. She knew the General was like a family member, and she also knew deep down inside he had a soft side, and a concern for her. She ignored the laughter of the other soldiers at the idea of her being spanked, and the General doing it himself, but after a quick glare they shut up and stood still.
General Grien continued down the line until he came back to the front so they could all see him. “Soldiers, you are dismissed. Find a bunk, maybe a buddy who will have your back, and get out of my sight!”
The men trotted off in different directions, leaving Cosma to stand alone. She looked around and her shoulders sagged. She undid the tight bun her bright red hair was concealed in and scurried off to find a bunk.
“Well, well, if it isn’t the Princess.” The men at the bunks snickered a bit when she came over to them, “You’re going to have to ask us very nicely to have a bunk, and our protection.” The soldier who was speaking had blonde hair that was a bit longer than the others, long enough he could run his fingers through it and twirl a strand. He had a huge grin on his face as he eyed the woman, who rolled her eyes.
“Be easy on the lady.” Another soldier laughed, “She can have my bunk.” He hopped off it and got onto the one above it.
Cosma smiled at that and took a seat, “Thank you.”
“Here’s the deal princess, you’re going to be seeing limbs falling off, and a lot of us dying, you sure you want to see that?” The soldier who offered his bunk had his feet wrapped around the chains, while his body hung off the bunk so he could see Cosma.
She swallowed hard and shrugged, “I’ll see what I have to.”
“So honored and so, what’s the word I’m looking for? Brave.” The man took some of her hair into his hands, “To see your fellow men being blown to bits.”
She smacked his hand and leaned out of his reach, “Touch me again and I’ll tell Grien. I’m doing this because I want to, I want to help.”
“Uh huh. You also want to kill people and see people who have kids waiting at home lying on the bloodied ground dead.” The man stuck out his tongue and went somewhat limp. She rolled her eyes and shook her head.
“I want to help.” She repeated, laying back onto the bunk.
“Help us by not getting killed.” The blonde soldier requested. Several other men made kissing noises and pointed between the two, laughing.
“Shut up!” Cosma barked, “You’re all immature. Let’s just get to know each other or something.”
The man who had his tongue out brought it back into his mouth and sighed, “This is going to be a long two months of training.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there.
It seems so off-putting that people are in a war, and they are apologizing to one another. It feels as though they are playing a game instead of being in actual war. In war, I'm pretty sure you are too worried and riled up by the everyday causalities etc etc to even be apologizing.
I've read the rest of the conversation between the soldiers and I have one major problem with it: In a war, it is inappropriate to be having a prep talk. Just think about those documentaries you've seen or movies about World Wars, or any sort of war. It's nearly always talking about what action to take, what orders to issue out to troops etc etc. It's really serious business. Just having prep talk in your conservation makes it really hard for me to take the situation seriously.
So what exactly is the reason for not allowing his daughter to take part in the war? If it's because he doesn't want her daughter to end up with the same fate as her mother, then OK. But the captain seems like a wimp and quite indecisive. If he really wanted her daughter not to take part, he should of not even allowed her to take part in the training in the first place, and it wouldn't have escalated to something like this. See why I can't take this father/daughter conflict seriously?
Do you know how awkward and impractical that would be doing that to everyone he sees?
Ugh, do you know how stupid this sounds? It's like something I would expect to hear from a cartoon or something. Can you imagine any sergeant in the US Army saying something like that to a soldier? It's childish and unprofessional.
If she is feeling that way, then it's pretty evident as to how unprofessional this army is.
Overall impressions:
No offense, but I really can't take this piece seriously. You are writing a story that has war elements, yet you write pretty flippantly in regards to the lifestyle and work that soldiers have.
Let's start with your beginning. These people are fighting a war, and are under a lot of stress and anxiety from having to deal with everyday causalities and conflicts. These are supposed to be real hardened people, and will not let their emotions get in the way of what they are tasked to do, but instead you have them apologize to one another like wimps. No, just no. When you are in war, you always focus on the task at hand. No exceptions.
There is a lot of unprofessional behavior that you are portraying in your army. A sergeant would never never talk like that to a soldier. Everyone in your army acts like a moron messing around. They are in a middle of a war, and they take the mickey on a female soldier? This isn't high school man. In an army, there is a strict code of conduct that all soldiers must obey, and they all have pretty tight routines everyday. Where is the discipline in your army? I'm not surprised if they all died in a middle of a battle, because these soldiers are not men, they are boys.
Sexism is just not tolerated in any army, and instead of having that as your story's conflict, focus more on having an army that actually has the discipline and professionalism that one would expect. Your actual conflict should be the battle between the warring fractions, not this high school drama garbage.
Hope this helped.
Andy.
I'd have to say this didn't really help me. If anything it discouraged me. I haven't been in the army, so um..... This is the future. They're not even ON the planet yet, they're a good three months or so away.
I really don't appreciate having some of my writing called 'stupid'...
~Shad
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I have to say, I really like the way you wrote the prologue. It's quite original. I haven't read very many prologues that just have conversations between people without out narration between. It give the whole story an air of mystery, really. Which is what I like to see in a prologue. You give us just enough information to understand what is going on, but you leave us wondering enough things about the story that we want to keep reading on.
One thing that's important when you're writing fantasy, or anything that takes place in a world different than ours, is to create a world that us, the readers, will want to believe exists. To be completely honest, I don't know much about this world from what I've read. Where are they exactly, the soldiers I mean? Are they on a ship? Did they all land on a planet to complete training? What does the building they're in look like? You're just grazing the surface here. We know who the characters are and what is going on, but I want to know more! Really dig deep into this world and bring it to life.
I couldn't find any grammar or spelling issues so good job with that.
I'm guessing that Comsa is her first name and Stargazer is her last name, yes? So I think the title of princess should be taken out here. I mean, they can still call her princess, because she is the princess, but it had me a bit confused. I thought maybe she had a name once, Stargazer, and now she changed it and bore a different name, Comsa. To to clear up that confusion, just take out the second 'princess'.
Hm...I'm not sure how I feel about the general saying this in front of all the other men. I mean, it's important that she knows this, yes, but at the same time, she doesn't really need to be embarrassed in front of the other soldiers like that. I mean, she's already going to have enough trouble fitting in since she's the princess--and a girl. Why make it any harder for her? I personally think this conversation would've done better if it were discussed in private. Just my opinion.
I have to say, you've really grabbed my attention here. We barely know anything here which really makes me want to read more. I want to find out what's going on! And I totally want to see Comsa kick all the boy's butts
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for the review! I appreciate it!
Hello Ruro, Wolf here for a review.
This was quite interesting, and I'm quite interested in why this was marked fantasy rather than sci-fi. The sort of Star Trek feel that it has to it is really cool, though I don't know too much about it. I really like the style you use in the prologue, since you use the different conversations between the ships to show us your world.
You do a really good job of showing the relationship between the general and the princess, since I can see that he's trying to warn her, but does it in a way that is both somewhat intimidating and playful at the same time. Even though he's screaming orders at her, he still has almost a lighthearted tone.
I am really curious about how she is the princess, and of what exactly? Since the father is some captain of this ship, was the mother some war queen? Now that I think about it, towards the end of the prologue, I was confused on why the General would bow to the captain, but what if he is the King? So many questions are inspired and it leaves me wanting more!
Overall, I really liked this, and the names are really unique. Stargazer? Very interesting. I'm sorry this wasn't much criticism, since this was a very nice start and I hope to see more. Anyways, Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thanks for the review! The Captain is sort of referred to as a king, but they're not the nasty, bad kings that make peasants have horrible lives. Cosma's mother was the Queen, she uh.. died.
Hey ruri, lemme help the team of green salsa, and help you with a review at the same time!
If you add an interesting aspect like that to it, this could be an exciting story! Just remember to not have the comma splices, and give proper detailing of the chapter 
So, an interesting prologue. I'm not sure how I feel about the formatting you have for your spaceships talking. It looks more like a script. But at the same time it could be hard to follow all three ships without having it the way you did. I'd look for an easier way to write out the prologue so that it isn't so bland. As a novel, writing like that can get tiring and bore a reader.
Now, onto the chapter. One think I noticed is that you have a ton of comma splices. A comma splice (if you don't know) is when you write a comma where there should be a period, exclamation point, or semicolon. I think if you reread it them you can find some of these pretty easily. If not, let me know and I will try to help!
So you say the thing about the girl covering her chest. So are they like naked or what? That doesn't seem right at all to me. Also, take a little more time to slow things down here. Write out more of the setting, explain some more of the feelings and thoughts that you MC (Main Character) us having.
I will say this made me think of Star Wars
~Messenger
Thanks for the review Messy!
First, make sure that the prologue is necessary. What you’d hear often these days is: start with chapter one. Cut out prologues, and if you cann't because they will hurt the story, just make them chapter one. (Here I don’t really think the back and forth logs are necessary.) So in other words start as late as you can in the action without confusing the reader.
“patting a chest of every other soldier.” Um? Not too clear on what is happening.
I’d suggest you read your story out-loud. Even better, read it to your cat, dog, friend, family, anyone you can get a hold of and make listen, but most importantly you listen to yourself, see where it flows, where it needs elaboration, where it drags, where it's unclear, you know the drill. Overall I think you need to sit down and elaborate. Make sure every scene has beginning, middle and end and I mean finished, concluded end before transitioning into the next one.
About the part with the romance and the kissing and yeah the ban on it, I am sure it can be worded… how to say better, more official.
Also do they have to be princesses? To me that kind of raises Mary Sue flags. I mean what’s wrong with them being new gutsy recruits from a particularly high social class? Princesses seems too much, too specific. And if they are indeed princesses, who in the world would let them do this? The royal family doesn’t really leave their members in the front lines. It’s kind of counterproductive to you know… ruling, continuing the blood line, that kind of thing.
So that’s it. Keep on writing, you have a nice set up, all you need to do is develop the story and the characters in full.
Just the woman is a Princess. It isn't royal blood, thats just what they refer to her as.
Oh, I see. Sorry I didn't get that. In that case, they were harping too much on it, using nick names like that is nice once in a while but don't overdo it.