Scene 3
Scene 2 is here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=95591
Scene 4 is here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=95625
Fartheil turned out to be one of the hundreds of minor waypoints that dotted the Ulusami plain. Arvad’s father had had taught him that in the heat of early summer, these waypoints were crucial to any successful navigation of the bare sands. Even the nomads, who could distinguish the rare edible herbs from their poisonous brethren and knew the secrets of tracking water beneath the sun-parched surface, could not survive for more than a few weeks without them. The Davani, Arvad’s people, had been tied to the ancestral trees and springs of their ancestors for generations beyond memory. Their hunters often travelled for days to bring back sufficient game to augment the village stores, but they were not a wandering people by nature.
The waypoint itself was little more than a few earthen hovels that wee serviced by a well bolstered by worn clay stones and otherwise isolated from the world. The mud and pitch lathered over the hovels had become worn and cracked by the elements, and the location appeared to have gone without maintenance for some time. Amidst these ancient structures, a trio of large wagons had been pulled up to form a semi-circle in front of the opening of a great pavilion of teal and silver cloth.
As the chain line came to a halt Arvad realised that, maintained or not, the waypoint currently played host to more than just one sorry band of children. The slavers staked thin wooden staves through the chain and deep into the sand at even intervals and left Arvad’s group in the sun. Six other chain-lines were staked out nearby, and Arvad was surprised to see a mixture of castes and tribes represented. The tattooed children of the Shavar river tribes hunkered down beside the children of herdsmen, farmers and even the robed and veiled children of the plains. Arvad was shocked to see that the Ulusami were trafficking in other plainsfolk. Their own kin?
Arvad’s captors were greeted by name by several of the other slavers, who were shifting supplies from the hovels to the wagons. They moved to join the work, and one of their comrades threw a water-skin to the far end of Arvad’s chain line.
“I’m Danil, by the way,” Arvad’s neighbour confided.
“My name is Arvad, and this is Sarah, my uncle’s niece,” Sarah nodded absentmindedly as her name was mentioned but gave no other response. After so many days of inconsolate sorrow, Arvad was a little concerned by how quiet she had been for the last few hours. Her top lip was set firmly on a face that was more used to a smile, and her gaze was distant and unfixed as though she was determined to endure the worst through the safety of absence. He wasn’t quite worried yet, things would settle down now that they had the opportunity to rest.
After a momentary lull, Arvad asked the question he’d been mulling over for the last two hours. “What did you mean by ‘tribute’?”
Danil gave him a quizzical look before remembering their short conversation, “I think it works differently in other villages, which means it probably does across different peoples too, we all seem to have a different way of doing things” he gestured towards two Shavari girls that were playing at an indecipherable game in which they clapped their hands together in quick patterns, trying to outpace one another. “A few of us were raised for this, outcasts or foundlings raised by the whole village to be passed off when the Ulusami returned every few years, others were not.”
“But why?” The question had been simmering at the base of Arvad’s throat since the long march began. How long had his father considered him chattel, to be traded off at the nearest convenience to passing traders?
Danil looked askance, clearly perturbed by either the question or by his answer to it. He looked over his shoulder and called for the others to hurry up with the skin.
“Get bent sheepherder,” called back the largest child in their line, clearly a couple of years older than Arvad. He took a long swig of the skin and gargled it in his throat before passing it to the next in line, “not all of us are born slaves.”
Danil took that without retort, turning back to Arvad, “my people have stories about the Ulusami, they say they are monsters that only wear the skin of men, and that is why the plains are named for them. The other peoples pay tribute to them and are suffered to live.” He nodded back to the other child, “Owen, like you, is probably just out of sorts. He is right in that, even if I was not born for this, I at least have had more than a week to become accustomed to it.”
Danil weighed the near-empty skin mournfully when it eventually reached them, “best let Sarah have at it first, we’ll split the remainder.”
Arvad nodded and passed it to the girl, whose eyes finally refocussed as she took it. “We stopped,” she noted.
“For now,” Arvad corrected her.
End of chapter
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140,735 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
I'm back again,
. This could be easily fixed with "My cousin Sarah." and "Not yet, It's shouldn't be much further" - (or something similar).
We're back to "Arvad" again?
Alright, so right off the bat I can see that you are trying to do some world-building. But I'm sorry to say that I think the First paragraph is a bit scattered in that respect. I mean, the information is interesting, but the way you've told it seems out-of-place.
I think it's the part about the Nomads that seems forced. Because Arvid has yet to encounter any Nomads and the paragraph is intended to be about Fartheil. I think the part about the "rare edible herbs" especially threw me off. (Good detail, but unnecessary because it becomes more about the Nomads and less about the spring). The train of thought is interrupted too strongly. I'm sure you could get the info about the Nomads in somewhere else.
The rest is better moving forward. And the description of the other slaves was good. It felt natural to describe them since Arvad didn't expect to see them there.
"My uncle's niece" -- Wouldn't he just say "my cousin Sarah"? It sounds more natural that way I think. Also, referring to her as "my uncle's niece" makes Arvad come off as a little cold towards her and/or the uncle. Not sure that's what you're going for, but his "scowl" at Sarah in the previous scene also reinforces the idea that Arvad may not like her much. But I think you were just trying to make Arvad upset with the situation in Scene 2, not her. It's not 100% clear right now how he sees his relationship with her because of their plight. I'm thinking you need a little more dialogue between the two to clarify.
I mean, just a few sentences later you "tell" us he's concerned about her, but his actions haven't "shown" it yet.
Ah, but then you do "show" at the end: {Danil weighed the near-empty skin mournfully when it eventually reached them, “best let Sarah have at it first, we’ll split the remainder.”}
This is good, but when combined with "my uncles niece" and "you don't have time to be tired," it makes me wonder if he is giving her the water just to shut her up when they start again
Also, “best let Sarah have at it first, we’ll split the remainder.”, is internal thought, so it should be in italics with no quotation marks.
So the story is coming along nicely, just a little rough around the edges with Sarah and Arvad and the Nomad bit that seemed out of place.
Hey, Rubric, what a better time to get these reviews in than Review Day, eh? ;D
I'll just get straight stuck in to it. Upon reading the other reviews here, I'll just skip any points that would otherwise be repeated, and same with quoatations, if I don't have anything more to add, that is.
"As the chain line came to a halt" - referring to it as a "chain line" is perfectly acceptable, but there used to be a punishment in American prison where all prisoners were tied in shackles and made to do manual labour i.e. break rocks with a pick axe for hours on end. Personally, if using "chain gang" could stir up some of these emotions in your reader, it would benefit your story greatly, as would the fact that people will inevitably link the suffering of the populace with that of 20th century blacks in America - perhaps appealing to a wider audience (of course, that's assuming that this gets published, even if it doesn't, however, this is a nice way to develop the theme of 'injustice'/'punishment').
Sam Cooke - "Chain Gang" is a song that describes it perfectly (and fittingly can be used to describe Arvad's situation too).
"Arvad was surprised to see a mixture of castes and tribes represented. The tattooed children of the Shavar river tribes hunkered down beside the children of herdsmen, farmers and even the robed and veiled children of the plains." - loved this little phrase here, as it reminds me of an innumberable amount of video games, films, and books in which in times of disaster people 'come together'. Though obviously in this scene there is still class snobbery of some sort!
"Their own kin?
Arvad’s captors were greeted by name by several of the other slavers, who were shifting supplies from the hovels to the wagons." - just an editing note here, as this paragraph starts with a 'space' where there should be one. Don't know if it was the formatting of YWS or whether it was of your own doing, but just thought that I should highlight it.
"my people have stories about the Ulusami, they say they are monsters that only wear the skin of men" - again, another line that I loved, completely capturing the dehumanisation that seems to go hand-in-hand with such atrocities the world over.
Your work has greatly improved, there's no question about that, and there's little I can add with respect to how you write your story. However, reading upon the other review on this page, there is the problem of continuity that is an issue. When all of these 'scenes' are gelled into one chapter, with so much going on, it would be difficult to cohesively put them together. However, saying that I think that you're just experimenting around here and trying to find a style that suits, and just experimenting with your writing skills, too.
I'll hop over now to the next scene!
Hello Rubric, just stopping by to return the favor. In all, I really liked this piece. You've built a very complete and fascinating world here and I commend you on your great imagination and your ability to put it into words so well. Just a few comments-
1. Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling
Here's just a few issues I noticed, I want to get this out of the way as quickly as possible so that I can touch on the deeper aspects of your writing.
Should be "Ulusami Plain" as the title defines a specific plain.
Should be hovels that "were".
Appears as if you've forgotten something or picked up something extra along the way...
Try, "The slavers staked thin wooden staves through the chain, deep into the sand at even intervals, leaving Arvad's group in the sun."
I'm sorry, what?
2. Continuity
To be quite honest, I don't like the way you ended the previous section. "The journey continued," was a very weak way to signal transition. I feel as though you could probably remove it altogether or add something that would direct the flow of your writing to a complete scene change. The abruptness of the last words in Scene Three juxtapose strongly and I suggest a more fluid segue or none at all. As for your transition from this Scene to Scene 4, well... I'm not seeing how you're planning on keeping all of these events, from Scene 1 to Scene 4 all in one chapter. They touch on so many different events that they seem a little isolated from one another. I mean, the action could at least be anticipating or foreshadowing future events. They lack transition and therefore cohesion, so I would like you to take a moment to address this.
3. Characterisation
For one, I'd like to gain more insight as to what these Ulusami folk are like. So far, they are passably unlikeable characters. However, at this point in the story, they are very two dimensional and it would be interesting to fully explore their situation. They seem like a toughened group who are doing what it takes to survive. That said, they are your main antagonists at the moment and it should be harder for me to make a argument defending their actions without sounding like the Devil's Advocate.
The Sarah Conundrom: I'm confused as to how Sarah is related to Arvad. Apparently she's Joshua's (Who's Joshua? I don't think you ever specified his and Arvad's relationship.) sister, and then she's referred to Sarah (actually, I can't tell if they are the same person or not...I'm assuming they are,) and then she's Arvad's Uncle's Niece. That makes her the daughter of one of his Uncle's siblings so mentioning his uncle is redundant and the term "cousin" should be used. I'm still confused. Please clear this up. I know you call her "cousin" in the fourth part, but her relationship is extremely dicey up until then. He went from "not remembering her name," to referring to her informally and personally as "Sarah." You could develop their relationship in a much clearer way by maintaining some form of continuity here.
And onto Arvad. I love how you've characterised the other two, Sarah and Danil. However, it seems, right now, as if Arvad is simply a tool with which we can use to know the other characters. He doesn't have a solid personality right now, and given that he's clearly a main Protagonist, he should be better defined. Thus far, he seems pretty bent on being stoic and gas-lighting (manipulating her to Sarah. This does not really say much for his personality. I'd like to have him react to his surroundings more. This would not only help us understand him and where he stands as a central character, but it also helps define your setting and the relationships between characters and their situations.
4. Relevancy
In general, the pacing of your plot is very consistent and comfortable. However, there's one aspect of storytelling that is really not coming through. Themes. Themes are important because they give us a reason to read your writing and they make your writing relevant. So far, I have not really gotten the point of your writing. It's entertaining, don't get me wrong. However, what is your message? What are you trying to say about life or humanity? About growth or digression? I know it's only the beginning but your characters do not display the dimensionality to take on such literary service, and I'm afraid that they never will.
In conclusion, I thought your style was very strong. Your use of detail was very impressive and you maintained both momentum and interest throughout. However, I do hope you consider my suggestions above. If you have any questions (or rebuttals...), feel free to contact me about them as I love chatting with authors about the development of their projects. I'm excited to see where this is going.
Threnody
Hay! Pix here! I really liked this- although I think at the beginning where you put the scenes beforehand, the scenes are in the same folder so their on the other side by control panel where it says- "Related items". Just letting you know. I didn't really see anything wrong with this. So good job.
~Katie.