As the weeks passed, the endless sand gave way to more hospitable plains of grass, and the grass to woodlands of great arching trees that draped merciful shadows over the long lines of marching slaves.
These trees were not the ancestral ones of his homeland, but they brought Arvad immeasurable comfort. The slaves had suffered greatly under the burning sky, and it lifted Arvad’s spirits to know he would not be buried beneath the sands of the Ulusami plains. Their days were long, and filled with the dull pain of an endless march, even in this more hospitable climate. His feet felt like they had been worn to a nub through the strips he had ripped from his clothes to replace his broken sandals. It did not matter to him that none of these trees had his true name carved into its bark or that these unfamiliar behemoths did nothing to root him to his home and the spirits of the Davani. The tree resting atop a mountain hundreds of miles to the south had no doubt forgotten him as it had forsaken him, just as had his father.
On the day before they reached their final destination, the slavers brought each line of children to the riverbank in turns and instructed them to wash themselves. Arvad was shocked to see the face of a stranger staring back at him in the ripples of a slow current. His skin was still bright red in patches from the sun, but the rest had softened to a far darker hue than he remembered. His black hair had grown long and wild during the trek, though the slavers had cut it with a blunt knife at irregular intervals. The Ulusami showed attention at odd times, as though they had a particular impression of what a slave should look or act like, and would let you know with a curse or a beating when you were wrong about your business.
Danil joked that Arvad should close his slack-jawed mouth before a fish jumped into it and Arvad splashed water back at him. Their caretaker, who Arvad and Danil referred to as “The Stout One” when his back was turned, berated them from the shore, but the wave of his truncheon was half-hearted, almost relaxed now that their journey neared its close.
Sarah had continued to retreat into herself for the two days that they had stayed at Fartheil. On the third day, when they began the long march north, the children had been separated by gender, and Arvad and Danil had seen little of her since.
When the children had scrubbed off the worst of the road muck, they were brought together in their lines. Danil poked him in the ribs and pointed out Sarah a few lines ahead. Her neighbour was chattering excitedly into her ear and Arvad’s cousin nodded along in courteous silence. He could see no more than that, but he took some comfort from it. One of the slavers climbed atop the largest of the wagons, where the ornate pavilion that the slavers slept within was stored. This slaver had a finely trimmed beard, and his golden hair fell in long flowing waves almost to the centre of his back. He had done this twice before, to instruct them in the simple but brutal rules of the march, and to inform them of their route and the deferential behaviour they were to learn. If he was not the leader of the slavers, he was the voice through which they chose to command. He spoke to the assembled crowd in the soft but stern voice of a tutor lecturing to his assembled pupils and paced back and forth as he announced their future.
“Some of you children, you do not yet think we own you. That is irrelevant. Some of you think you might one day return to your people. That is unlikely, and also irrelevant. Some of you think you hate us, even though our coin has fed you these last eight weeks. Though that wounds me, it is also irrelevant.
His voice grew harder. “Tomorrow we reach Dyre, seat of the Archduke Guilliame. You will be sold.” The slaver stopped pacing and brought his right hand down on his left palm in a decisive cutting motion. “Your futures do not concern me but I will give you this advice. If you appear obedient and dutiful at auction, we will receive a higher price for you. Some of you might think to spurn us through disobedience, and that is your choice,” he nodded conciliatorily, “but we have paid so much of your upkeep that I feel put upon, no driven to warn you. Those sold cheaply will be treated cheaply. They will fill the meat trades as the fodder of whips, the servants of pederasts and the dejected of this earth. Those who earn a good price however,” here the steady cadence of the slaver’s voice halted suddenly and, against his better judgement, Arvad found himself edging forward slightly to hear, “could eventually become the concubines of merchant kings, the servants of knights and warlords or the masters of any number of great and worthy trades, all for your new master’s benefit. That is the choice I give you.”
End of chapter
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Review Part 4,
OK, I think this is the best part yet. The bit about the tree's of Arvad's homeland in the beginning has me curious. The Davani have some sort of special connection to the trees. Spiritual? Religious perhaps? I'm not sure at this point, but that's OK. But the part about the tree forgetting and forsaking him implies that the trees (or their spirits) are "protectors" of some kind. And also that Arvad is beginning to lose his faith in them by comparing them to his father. But he is still comforted by the trees' presence, which is likely due to him being young and raised in that culture. At least, that's my take on it. (Hopefully that is what you are going for?)
The growing friendship between Danil and Arvad is also well done. It's quite believable too since they are children. People tend to come together in times of suffering. Almost like a "social defense mechanism". The children have to talk to each other and make jokes to keep their psyche up. Otherwise they would go crazy. I feel like you captured that aspect in this scene as well as the last.
The speech at the end was also well done. But I think you should mention their hair being cut as they wash by the river. It would reinforce that the journey is almost over and that the slave traders are trying to make the children more "presentable". I'm thinking that their hair should be cut the same length too, regardless of gender since they are presumably being sold for manual labor purposes. Maybe cut very short as a sort of "dehumanizing" act. Just trying to help here.
Also, in terms of geography. since there was a large Desert (hundreds of miles) not too long ago, there should be some mention of a large Mountains either ahead of them, behind them, or both. Because deserts are formed (usually) near mountains that block the clouds and rain water. You did mention the tree atop a mountain in the Davani homeland, but you didn't really mention if Arvad's village was in a mountainous region or not.
The story is moving on nicely and I'm enjoying it. Just trying to judge the consistency of the world so far. Mostly well done with just a few, tiny missing pieces to the puzzle. Excellent job so far.
Wahey, finally the journey is nearing it's end in this scene. I'm feeling a great onus has fallen off the characters' backs in this scene, which is a good thing, as it is how I felt, so the tone is match prefectly. However, the tone quickly changes as soon as the 'slave-master' begins speaking, which again, the tone matches perfectly. There are a few things that I can point out here, but notice how each scene it's becoming less and less and less, which only means that you're getting better!
"These trees were not the ancestral ones of his homeland, but they brought Arvad immeasurable comfort." - the linking of the trees to solace for Arvad is a great point to have, but also one that I feel could be expanded upon. I know that you started this story on a whim, so perhaps you weren't thinking of characterisations as much, but this point could link from 'scene one' in which Avrad's surroundings are full of the trees of his homeland that he is accustomed to. This would also prevent each scene from becoming 'isolated' and therefore, greatly contribute to the continuity issues (mentioned in reviews for the previous scene).
"It did not matter to him that none of these trees had his true name carved into its bark or that these unfamiliar behemoths did nothing to root him to his home and the spirits of the Davani. The tree resting atop a mountain hundreds of miles to the south had no doubt forgotten him as it had forsaken him, just as had his father." - again, it's great using the trees to give that sense of unfamiliarity that one has, surrounding by infamiliar surroundings. Also, noteworthy is the use of pathetic fallacy, noting how the trees of his homeland have forgotten him, just like his father, is a great touch, and adds a lot of potency to this short phrase!
"Danil joked that Arvad should close his slack-jawed mouth before a fish jumped into it and Arvad splashed water back at him... but the wave of his truncheon was half-hearted, almost relaxed now that their journey neared its close." - I feel that this paragraph is slightly off-beat in the tone department. It stood out to me as soon as I read it, as it, to me, feels as though it betrays Arvad's character. He is stoic and anxious in the preceding scenes, yet in this one, he is reduced to the image of a child, almost, playing with Danil in the water. I understand that you are trying to capture the sense of relief that they get from finishing their journey, but perhaps a little less something would be better, or at least, lead up to it better (i.e. from preceding chapters - perhaps a smile when he thinks of the end of his journey, etc.). Also, the "half-hearted" truncheon smack, initially seemed, out-of-touch with the rest of the story, but, in hindsight, the Ulusami aren't exactly monsters, so much as they're 'business-men' so they wouldn't want to intentionally harm their 'trade'. I can't really offer much of a better way to improve the tone here, but personally, I think I would only have Arvad throwing the water on Danil and that's it. The rest of the 'playfullness' in this scene makes it seem more like a school field-trip than anything else!
"he nodded conciliatorily, “but we have paid so much of your upkeep that I feel put upon, no driven to warn you." - I didn't get the use of the word "driven" here, I Googled it to make sure that it wasn't just me, but even still it didn't quite fit. I assume the semantics were for the word 'driven' to mean 'conviction' but, perhaps, jsut a recommendation, use a different word here, as 'driven' just doesn't fit, especially with it being italicised and all.
[Sorry if I came out a bit harsh on this one, but I swear I'm not in a bad mood or anything, just got my ''Devil's advocate'' hat, and ''Critic glasses'' combo working at the same time, here :')]
Hey! This has taken a while to get a review, and I think I have figured out why. Although it is short and very well written, the paragraphs are dauntingly long. Maybe this is just a problem I always had, but when ever I see a long paragraph, I tend to skip half of it. I would try to space it out a little more. Like in the last paragraph, try separating the dialogue from the bulk of the paragraph to make it easier to read.
Other than that, I have no complaints. Even though I have not read the other parts, I have a very clear idea of what is going on. I also love how descriptive you are with the trees. It gives me a much better picture of what is going on.
At the same time, I feel like the tone is a bit too light. If they are slaves, or about to become slaves, I shouldn't feel cheery about it. I can't pinpoint how to go about fixing this (sorry, it's something I struggle with to), but just something to watch out for.
Over all, it makes me want to go back and read the rest.
Keep writing!
--Bee--