Heyo! Pendr here on behalf of the Firebolts! Two quick disclaimers: I have not read part one, for which I apologize. Also, my reviews mostly contain grammatical nitpicks, again, for which I apologize. Let's start!
"Year 892 OHG (Of His Guidance) 3rd day in the month of leaves" Just thinking, 'Month of Leaves' should be capitalized just as we capitalize August or January.
"I helped to prepare their robes, and taught them the minor enChantment woven into the cuffs should they need to escape." Either remove the comma after 'robes' or add an 'I' before 'taught'
"Senedar has planned ahead, so that none of the Voices will know enough to disrupt our plans, should they be taken." You don't need a comma after 'ahead' either. Both this and the above sentence are not compound sentences, so they do not need a comma.
"He has planned for much, and the Voices will sew discontent where there was little." Change 'was' to 'is' to keep it in the same tense
"No, I would not mistake him for a discontented nobleman, he is the firebrand revolutionary, though I now see that was always the case." You should either change the comma after 'nobleman' to a semi-colon or make the next part its own sentence.
"It was an indiscriminate event, with dozens of watchmen and Breathless poking around in what amounts to a small city of abandoned complexes." This kind of gets wordy around the end. And the meaning is questionable. Do you mean they only poked around in a small area of the place, or they poked around in an actual small city?
"Voices failed to report in, Q, and Senedar reasons that he must have known more that we presumed, though not enough to damn us." Change 'that' to 'than'
"So I am writing this from Savandra’s Key." Put a comma after 'so' because it's a transition of sorts.
"I remember the raucous laughter, and the clink of glasses being served." You don't need a comma after 'laughter'
" I am sure there is much he withholds from me, and that he keeps me close to keep an eye on me, and to use me, should the time be right." You can either remove all the commas besides the one before 'should' or you can take out all the and's you have after the commas to make it a list.
"He laughed off my suggestion that it had." This sentence doesn't make sense to me. Reword it?
"Smoke blots out the sky across the southern horizon, so that one cannot even glimpse the mountains." Once more, the comma in this is unnecessary.
"He remains in His obelisk, and in another leader that might seem like cowardice, but of course it is not." This, too, doesn't make sense after the first part.
"Unearthly sounds, unnameable abominations, echo forth with wicked abandon." I think this would be better if 'abandon' was simply changed to 'abandonment'
"It is a sign of our times that they reassure the populace." The leaders reassure the populace or the weird noises and lights do?
"Our Voices have added another note to this song though, and discontent is beginning to simmer." First, I really like the metaphor of the song here, and, second, you need a comma before 'though' as well
"I heard one of our Voices spreading that message, even as he called upon the citizens to rise up, and save Lemuire from a tyrant’s dictum." You don't need a comma after 'rise up'
"There is to be another rally in two days, as our armsmen and legions return to defend the city." You don't need a comma in this sentence
"Senedar’s name is on the list, under one of the alias’s he used when provoking rebellion in the valley." Make 'alias's' aliases.
"It will pierce any protection, crafted by mortal hand or another, so long as the enchantment is invoked." Earlier you had 'enchantment' with a capital 'C.' Which was is it supposed to be spelled?
"How long has he maintained channels with the coalition? In hindsight it was necessary." You need a comma after 'In hindsight'
"What has been done, cannot be undone, what has been said cannot be unsaid." You don't need a comma after 'done' and you should change the comma after 'undone' to a semi-colon
Alright. Once more I apologize for the annoying nitpicks! This is a very unique and intriguing story, and I feel it would be even moreso if I read the first part as well Silly me. Also, the format of the letters to his 'beloved' is really creative and cool. Well done!
-Pendr, the Firebolts
Points: 4553
Reviews: 92
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