Enslaved Chapter One Scene Seven (Finale)

by Rubric

Published June 28, 2012

In Slave

“No,” shouted a voice from the crowd, a voice Arvad did not recognise. He half expected the knight, but it was another, an older trader in a simple red shirt and leather coat and neatly trimmed dark hair flecked with grey. The trader came to the fore of the crowd and looked not to the thin Ulusami, but to Millekko, who had moved to a position a few yards behind him and was flanked by The Stout One.

“I will buy this one,” the trader spoke in a rush, gesturing to Arvad. “He is damaged, but I will pay full fee for a boy of his size and weight.

Millekko wouldn’t accept it, Arvad was sure; by tonight he would be swinging beneath the limbs of one of these northern trees, a not-so-silent warning to the other children. Whatever you fear in Dyre they whispered to him from a waking dream that danced at the edges of his near-unconsciousness. He took a shuddering breath and accepted it along with a thin balm. I am not Him.

The leader of the Ulusami paused on the edge of his instinctive response and Arvad saw him take a moment to gauge the scene around him; the gathered traders, the terrified Sempunjans, and the unsettled functionaries.

“Twelve silver marks,” he offered, his voice crisp.

“Done,” replied the trader, “but the bursar will lend me two porters to get the lad home,” he looked to one of the functionaries, who nodded uncertainly. The two men left the circle to fetch labour and papers of sale.

Some of the other traders had moved to disperse, but many still looked on from the safe distance to see the situation resolve itself.

The thin Ulusami shrieked in denial, stamping his foot mere inches from Arvad’s aching skull. The slaver tore at the air in front of him, his fingers outstretched like claws. He glared at Millekko and demanded, his teeth biting the end of each word sharply, “The boy and the girl.”

Millekko arched an eyebrow, at his subordinate, “Calm yourself brother, you nearly lost your composure, what are you talking about?”

“The boy Tribute and the girl from his village, I claim them. Right of caste,” his bridled rage stood out in every syllable, barely cooled, simmering. The Ulusami waved his hands at the cage they stood beside and the enclosure in which Arvad had nearly been reimprisoned.

Arvad could barely register the words, and struggled to understand them through his aching head. He was alive, he realised, and sold by the sound of it, but what was this?

Millekko seemed taken aback by the demand, but quickly found his way back to familiar ground, “they will cost you half your share.”

The thin Ulusami nodded a silent response.

“This girl is ours,” objected one of the Sempunjans, but quieted when he met the glower of the thin Ulusami.

Millekko was more tactful, “friends, I apologise, but my kin have a prerogative right, which has just been exercised,” he shrugged helplessly and gestured down at Arvad, “I am bound by tradition to surrender this slave’s compatriots to the none-too-tender mercies of my subordinate.”

The thin Ulusami grinned wolfishly.

 

“You are bound,” a new voice uttered in the clear tones of one who expects obedience, “by the law.”

The crowd of merchants parted but Arvad found he ached too painfully to crane his neck and see this newest interloper; he focussed his scattered thoughts on reading  Millekko’s reaction.

The Ulusami leader paused for a long moment, irritation and concern warring across his face in minute detail. “Sir, I am bound by both, but my subordinate’s claim is not unlawful.”

The faceless speaker continued as if he had paused for affect, rather than to allow Millekko’s response, “this market is not an abattoir, and your subordinate’s claim is not within the bloodless scope given to this market to operate within. Indentured labourers are surrendered to the market for sale of their title. Or do you name the Archduke a slaver?” The voice was young, but Arvad had never heard words spoken to the Ulusami with so little fear. Even the other traders had let it inflect their words as they bartered, but this voice was clear and commanding. Regal.

Millekko’s scowl came and went in an instant, and in that instant Arvad knew the Ulusami had lost. “All men know Guilliame is no slaver,” he nodded respectfully to his challenger. “The Ulusami honour the Archduke and his laws. My subordinate retracts his claim.”

“No,” shrieked the thin Ulusami, rounding on Millekko. “You dishonour me!” The plainsman’s jaw distended with the anger in his voice and those few traders that had not yet made themselves scarce did so in response to that inhuman feat.

“You fool!” hissed the leader of the Ulusami, his own voice low and threatening, but decidedly human. “We are bound by covenant. Control yourself!”

“No, I will not be mocked,” shouted the thin slaver, “You are the fool!” The he moved to strike the gold-haired leader of the Ulusami, his battle-cry the full-blown roar of a jungle cat.

Though the blow came with inhuman quickness, it never reached its target. The thin slaver gasped in shock as The Stout One interposed himself between the two Ulusami and caught the blow on his right palm, forcing it low and to his left with a speed that belied his heavy appearance. The Stout One moved methodically, as fast as the eye could follow, striking his erstwhile companion in the stomach with his left fist, and kneeing him in the face as he doubled over. As the thin slaver reeled at the blows, The Stout One pulled his truncheon from his belt and began a steady pattern of bone shattering strikes. When he was finished, the thin slaver lay on the ground a few feet from Arvad, mewling piteously.

The Stout One sniffed derisively at the upstart that had saddled him with their shared responsibilities for the long weeks of the march. He glanced over at the regal speaker, who had moved close enough for Arvad to recognise as the disinterested knight, and nodded, as if to settle matters. The knight returned his nod, clearly bemused, but not alarmed. The Stout One turned to Millekko, who frowned, before nodding slowly toward the prone slaver.

The Stout One took two long strides before standing alongside his fellow slaver. He stamped on his throat, ending the mewling cries, before returning to Millekko’s side.

“I apologise most profusely,” Millekko apologised to the knight, “I would gladly surrender the two labourers in question to the Bursar’s household, for no charge.”

The knight, who Arvad realised was quite young, no more than nineteen or twenty years of age, nodded. “The Bursar could always do with more kitchen staff,” he replied, a small grin lighting his face. He glanced toward Danil, who had left his cage and stood protectively between the Ulusami and Sarah’s cage. “Collect the girl and follow the Bursar's wagon up to the keep, no need for two of you to be heroes today.”

Danil nodded and followed the trail blazed by the knight through the crowd, leading Sarah along behind him. He looked down to Arvad and smiled sadly, “could have been worse, I'll watch out for the girl,” and then he was gone.

 

The functionary, trader, and porters returned shortly thereafter from the warehouse where papers of sale had been signed and a stretcher procured. The old trader looked shocked at the violence, but the porters did not, hefting Arvad onto the stretcher once they had ascertained the extent of his injuries.

The trader clicked his tongue, “Two broken ribs and a concussion, I’d wager, if such a thing were in my nature. You may call me Master Erunian, and it is fitting that I am your first master, for this is my first visit to these markets, and you are my first slave.” The porters lifted the stretcher and the four of them set off down the winding streets of Dyre.

 

 

Sir Illuvan leant lazily against the wall of the storehouse, pulling an apple from his belt pouch and watching the Ulusami order some of their child-slaves to remove the corpse of the thin slaver. Savages, he realised. They should never have been allowed into the city, regardless of the levy the Bursar imposed on their passage. Other traders had the tact to maintain the illusion of indentured labour, and salve the Archduke’s concerns for his reputation, but the Ulusami lacked the sense and skill to do so.

 

As he took his first bite from the apple, he relished its fresh taste, so unlike this damp and muddy market in which he found himself representing the Archducal Bursar. It would not do to let such things fall to low-born bureaucrats. Some of them were barely literate, and many were corrupt. He savoured the sweet juice as it ran over his tongue. Guilliame and Sharlced were both cut off from the world in the palace, they missed things, Illuvan thought to himself. Like the master scribe who risked confrontation and paid double the market price for a badly injured, rebellious and illiterate slave. It made one wonder at his motives.

 

Illuvan took another bite from his apple, watching the Ulusami go about their business and mulling over the day’s events.

 

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Threnody
Review
Threnody wrote a review Review · Jul 20, 2012

Oh gosh, it's the last section. I wish there were more! Seriously though, regardless of the fact that your writing is nearly impeccable, this section was sort of a let down to me. I mean, even though I complained about the lack of rising action the review before, cumulatively, all of the section preceeding this one was a form of rising action. You built up Arvad's sense of rebelliousness, Sarah's sense of being the damsel in distress...etc and even leave us with a tantalising hook in the penultimate chapter. However, then you introduce a sort of deux ex machina in the form of some random guy the readers have never heard of. I mean, I think the little catfight and the dialogue was interesting a well written, but it was nothing like the kind of character-defining courageousness I was expecting out of your main characters.

I also think that you should give the skinny slaver a name. I think this because it's confusing enough already with all of these slavers fighting amongst themselves to add a sort of faceless and nameless one to the mix. He has enough importance in the story to be granted a name and it would clear some confusion. However, I did find myself having to reread sections of your piece to figure out who was who. (Note: I also feel this way about The Stout One.) Also, I sort of agree with Healey. Your names don't really follow any dialectical pattern and without that sense of continuity the names sort of muddle up in my head and I misplace identities of characters. This is especially the case in this chapter when you throw a bunch of new characters at me.

I would also like to know more about this "levy" that seems to dictate trade in this world of yours. Trade and commerce is an absolutely vital part of your entire story and therefore, I would like a little bit more on how it works. Why is a whole system of trade completely overridden when presented with some covenant? If the people in this city have such power over international trade, why have the Ulusami maintained a good economic relationship with them even though they have neither "sense [nor] skill," and people in the city oppose of them? This is rather hard to follow and I think that going more in depth with this concept would really help sort out confusion.

I would also appreciate some more characterisation for the Knight. He's such an important character and it would be good to understand his motivations in this scene. What right does he have to look down on his employers and a master scribe? After all, as far as I know, he's simply expendable labour to be used to oversee transactions. I want to like him for his actions towards the captured but it would be nice if you would give me a little bit more detail.

I do like the sinister vibe at the end though. Why is the master scribe inclined to invest heavily on goods that seemingly offer him no return? Hmm...intriguing. ;)

In conclusion, I think you get what I mean when I say that I was unsatisfied. I mean, you've created this entire world, populated it with interesting characters, and then you pulled a deux ex machina to save your characters' skins. I'm sort of getting the vibe that you wanted to be done with this story. Even if that's not what you were feeling, your speedy and haphazardly written conclusion sort of conveys a lack of interest to me. You failed to adhere, in some sense of the term, to Chekhov's Gun Rule. When you have build up a scene with energy and possibility, and a character with guts and determination and just let it fizzle out, it seems you've built them up for nothing. However, your writing is very clean and your style constantly kept me reading. The very fact that you created such characters and settings that I could speak so passionately about is a great compliment to your descriptive abilities. I'm sorry to see this series go, but perhaps it's for the best. I'm looking forward to seeing what else you choose to do with your talent.

Threnody

User avatar
DudeMcGuy
Review
DudeMcGuy wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2012

"a few yards" -- that's what I'm talking about! haha.

OK there really isn't much I could possibly complain about here. Your description is excellent, the pace is impeccable, and the characters are all playing their role brilliantly. Wonderful story you got going.

The only things I could find that were a bit off:

"could have been worse, I'll watch out for the girl." -- This came on the heels of the very descriptive/intense action scene, so I'm guessing you were still in "narrator mode" when you wrote this line. The problem I have with it is "the girl". It doesn't feel consistent with Danil's character for him to call her that while talking to Arvad. Wouldn't he call her by name or at least "I'll look after her."? I'm thinking so anyway.

Also, the last bit with the perspective change to Sir Illuvan. " Savages, he realised." -- "Savages" is his internal thought, so it should be in italics. Unless you want to quote it and put like: {"Savages," he muttered to himself.} or something like that.

But other than those two nitpicks I think it's great. I agree with some of the other reviews in saying the style and quality of the writing got better as you went on. And I would add that your world has great potential. I'm getting a "ordered, but mostly lawless" vibe from it as so far everyone does whatever they want as long as they have the power or don't fear the consequences.

I'm sorry I don't have much to add at the end here, but I really did enjoy reading this. I was pretty much sucked in by part 3 and fully committed by Scene 4. I would say the very first scene is the weakest, but it's still good. I think a description of his village and the chaos of the slave traders separating the children from their parents would really bring that scene up to the quality of the others.

If you read this scene, and then go back to the first one, it's clear that you improved through this process. Which is great to see. Not only that, but I was going to have a brief "slave trader" section in my own story (although it's not near as detailed or pivotal as yours is). So it was interesting to experience your take on it and compare that to what I envisioned. Although they're different worlds so they didn't completely match up.

Write on Rubric! Hoping you continue this in the future. Great read.

User avatar
HealeyAidan Review
HealeyAidan wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2012

That was really, really good. Couldn't stop reading it. I thought the grammar and spelling was good, but most of the fantasy names were hard to pronounce. As a fellow fantasy writer, I do know that it is tempting to have over the top unique names, but sometimes it's best to keep them simple for the readers sake. Other than that one dull problem, the story was excellent. Please post more.



the only theft here is of decency when carina decided to rob me of my pride and put me on a banana
— veeren