z

Young Writers Society


16+

Prologue to the Teaser: Heavy

by RoyalHighness


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

A/N: The following is a scene from the PROLOGUE of the story I'm working on about depression. Though I published the first "chapter," before this (which you can view on the right-hand side by clicking the link), keep in mind that this scene would come first if the story were to be published cohesively. Make sense? No? Too bad! Here we go! 

Teddy: Present

This is easily the worst party I've ever been to. Granted, I haven't been to a lot of parties, because I'm not a party person. But if I had gone to a lot of parties back in high school, or if I'd gone to college when I had the chance and gone to parties then, I'm pretty sure none of them could hold a candle to how depressing this party is.

Everything is wilted. The dusty decorations, the moldy party hats, even the cake seems to sag beneath its own weight. Everything’s heavy, too heavy to celebrate. We are all quiet, because Toby hates being sung to. We’d all planned to sing to her anyway, like we used to, but we knew better than to set Toby off at this point.

Ocean, her already heavy frame made heavier by the atmosphere, rubs the back of her head absentmindedly, her tattoos flashing in the light, catching my eye occasionally. Her nose carries a ring in its left nostril, and her ears are covered from stem to stern in piercings. The nurses decided to give her back her piercings after a successful month-long trial. It’s been ages since Ocean’s last attempt to escape, so they figure giving her what makes her happy will make her stay for good. I think they’re right. For once.

Bass– uh, I mean, Brenda, dammit– stands awkwardly by the cake, watching the flames like a child, mesmerized. Her once spiked brown hair now sits floppily on her forehead, the ends reaching out for her freshly plucked eyebrows set above hard brown eyes. His– ugh, not again, her– long, thin nose comes to a point like an arrow toward her (now often frowning) mouth.

Toby lies on her hospital bed, the restraints taking a break from her arms for her big day, her 21st birthday. Her long, black hair has been swept up into a bun by one of the nurses– probably Yanamaria, the head nurse and our favorite. Her blue eyes haven’t quite gone blank yet, in the way most people’s do in the hospital. She’s not totally lost to us just yet, and I’m grateful for that. Her lips are small, a cracked pale pink, and always open a tiny bit, revealing only just slightly crooked front teeth that once made her lisp terribly. Even in rehabilitation, she is breathtaking. She speaks slowly, deliberately, as if every word pains her.

“I’m 21 now, Yanny,” Toby says in a heavy voice as Yanamaria cuts the thick red velvet cake– Toby’s favorite. Toby tries to keep her voice light, the way it used to be, and fails. “I can drink if I wanted to. I might just raid your secret nurse’s stash in the nurse’s secret headquarters downstairs.”

Yanamaria laughs, an all-consuming laugh that shakes the world. She is large, busty and radiates compassion. Her kinky hair is only semi-tamed by her red bandana, tied Rosie the Riveter style on her head, and she has a huge and easy smile. We all love her.

“You couldn’t find that stash if you searched for ages,” she replies in a rather thick Georgia accent, slapping a piece of cake on a flimsy Winnie the Pooh paper plate.

“How do you know I haven’t already found it?” says Toby, her eyes finally finding their usual shade of dazzling. “And I’m just waiting for the right time? I’m very sneaky, you know.” Yanamaria laughs her big, hugging laugh again. I laugh too, because with Yanamaria, I can’t help it. Ocean smiles and even Bass seems to lighten up. Bass and I make eye contact across the room, exchange a thought in our old way, half-telepathically. By the expression in his eyes, I can see we’re both thinking about the last time we saw Toby truly happy, at her 19th birthday party. 


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Points: 285
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Tue Jun 30, 2015 3:16 am
MoonBeam wrote a review...



Hello, please see the line edits below:

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This is easily the worst party I've ever been to. Granted, I haven't been to a lot of parties, because I'm not a party person. But if I had gone to a lot of parties back in high school, or if I'd gone to college when I had the chance and gone to parties then, I'm pretty sure none of them could hold a candle to how depressing this party is.

Everything is wilted. The dusty decorations, the moldy party hats, [COMMA SPLICE. TRY A DASH HERE?] even the cake seems to sag beneath its own weight. Everything’s heavy, too heavy to celebrate. We are all quiet, because Toby hates being sung to. We’d all planned to sing to her anyway, like we used to, but we knew better than to set Toby off at this point. [I LOVE THE METAPHORS AND DESCRIPTIONS IN THIS PARAGRAPH]

Ocean, her already heavy frame made heavier by the atmosphere, rubs the back of her head absentmindedly, her tattoos flashing in the light, catching my eye occasionally [IT'S UNCLEAR WHETHER IT'S HER TATOOS THAT'S CATCHING YOUR EYE OCCASIONALLY OR HERSELF THAT'S DOING THE ACTION]. Her nose carries a ring in its left nostril, and her ears are covered from stem to stern in piercings. The nurses decided to give her back her piercings after a successful month-long trial. It’s been ages since Ocean’s last attempt to escape, so they figure giving her what makes her happy will make her stay for good. I think they’re right. For once. [IT WAS A BIT UNCLEAR DURING MY FIRST READ THROUGH WHETHER STAYING MEANT STAYING IN THE HOSPITAL OR STAYING ON EARTH/AT HOME. LOGICALLY, SINCE SHE'S HAPPY, OF COURSE IT MEANS STAYING AT HOME/ON EARTH, BUT PERHAPS THAT COULD BE A TOUCH CLEARER]

Bass– [DOUBLE DASHES] uh, I mean, Brenda, dammit– [DOUBLE DASHES] stands awkwardly by the cake, watching the flames like a child, mesmerized. Her once spiked brown hair now sits floppily on her forehead, the ends reaching out for her freshly plucked eyebrows set above hard brown eyes. His– [DOUBLE DASHES] ugh, not again, her– [DOUBLE DASHES] long, thin nose comes to a point like an arrow toward her (now often frowning) mouth.

Toby lies on her hospital bed, the restraints taking a break from her arms for her big day, her 21st birthday. Her long, black hair has been swept up into a bun by one of the nurses– probably Yanamaria, the head nurse and our favorite. Her blue eyes haven’t quite gone blank yet, in the way most people’s do in the hospital. She’s not totally lost to us just yet, and I’m grateful for that. Her lips are small, a cracked pale pink, and always open a tiny bit, revealing only just slightly crooked front teeth that once made her lisp terribly. Even in rehabilitation, she is breathtaking. She speaks slowly, deliberately, as if every word pains her.

“I’m 21 now, Yanny,” Toby says in a heavy voice as Yanamaria cuts the thick red velvet cake– Toby’s favorite. Toby tries to keep her voice light, the way it used to be, and fails. “I can drink if I wanted to. I might just raid your secret nurse’s stash in the nurse’s secret headquarters downstairs.” [THE SWITCHING OF THE "SECRETS"S IS A LITTLE AWKWARD PRIMARILY BECAUSE IT'S NOT OBVIOUS WHAT "SECRET NURSE" REFERS TO]

Yanamaria laughs, an all-consuming laugh that shakes the world. She is large, busty and radiates compassion. [THE PARALLELISM IS OFF HERE] Her kinky hair is only semi-tamed by her red bandana, tied Rosie the Riveter style on her head, and she has a huge and easy smile. We all love her.

“You couldn’t find that stash if you searched for ages,” she replies in a rather thick Georgia accent, slapping a piece of cake on a flimsy Winnie the Pooh paper plate.

“How do you know I haven’t already found it?” says Toby, her eyes finally finding their usual shade of dazzling. “And I’m just waiting for the right time? I’m very sneaky, you know.” Yanamaria laughs her big, hugging laugh again. I laugh too, because with Yanamaria, I can’t help it. Ocean smiles and even Bass [DID YOU MEAN TO USE BASS HERE, INSTEAD OF BRENDA?] seems to lighten up. Bass and I make eye contact across the room, exchange a thought in our old way, half-telepathically. By the expression in his eyes, I can see we’re both thinking about the last time we saw Toby truly happy, at her 19th birthday party.

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My first reaction: Wow, this piece is amazing. I love the clear-cut way that you discuss depression and also the quality of this story. Your writing is masterful and fluid with varied sentence structure. The descriptions are original and not under/overdone at all. This work is near perfection, and I don't say that very often. Definitely, keep writing. I could only wish that I had your potential.




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Fri Jun 26, 2015 10:04 pm
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Megrim wrote a review...



I almost didn't review this because I wasn't sure I really had anything to say. I figured it was worth mentioning how much I liked it, though. The prose is gorgeous. Very nice imagery. I think you picked great things to focus on, as each description has a lot of personality to it, setting the characters apart from each other.

I guess my only complaint is that it took me a while to figure out what was going on. The order the information is presented made me have to constantly readjust what I was picturing. Maybe if we could get a few more broad strokes to set the stage first? Like to give a heads up about how many people are in the room, what age we are, what kind of room it is (windows? furniture?). I don't mean a big list, but a few clues, because at first I thought it was a work party and everyone was a lot older, and I also had to totally readjust to picture the hospital bed/restraints--had to switch "office" to "hospital" setting.

I'll also mention that I won't remember who's who from this, so hopefully there are lots of reminders if these characters appear again in the future. Like if you started talking about Brenda in another chapter, I would have totally forgotten who that was. I suppose that's the danger of introducing a lot of characters at once--have to be careful to avoid character soup, as they say. They have unique descriptions, but that's going to go in one ear and out the other for me, without more actions/personality to attach to the names so that I remember them. I'm reminded of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It's been a while since I read it, but I think that did a really good job of introducing the characters and I didn't have a lot of trouble keeping track of who's who.

Thanks for sharing and happy writing!






Thank you! I'll try to make those characters clearer. In my mind, they're so unique I could never mix them up but I never really thought about it from the perspective of the reader. Thank you so much for taking the time to write a review! See you soon!



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Fri Jun 26, 2015 8:00 pm
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LordofLit101 wrote a review...



Hi, LordofLit here,

This is quite an emotive yet powerful beginning, or prologue. I can see the rest of this will be truly emotive and just as powerfully written, your English grades must be very high as this chapter or prologue is written beautifully.

There are no grammatical or punctual mistakes in this, so very well done!

I have a funny feeling that later on in the story something really bad or tragic happens, as I can tell that it must be in some kind of insane asylum. I must ask also, when is this set? Because if it is set in the 20th Century then this truly will make a powerful yet emotive story, especially if it is in an insane asylum.

This is very well written as it expresses many conflicting personalities and creates a truly dreary existence, and I can tell you are very talented with this kind of thing, great job!

I can't wait for the next installment, keep it up!

LordofLit101






Thank you! I'll try to be clearer about the time slot; I know it's hard to tell when there really aren't any clear signs. Thank you so much for writing your review! See you soon!




"And the rest is rust and stardust."
— Vladimir Nabokov