Chapter One of "Victims"

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

We took our most recent victims just last night.

They were a young couple, probably in their early thirties or late twenties. Took a long time to finally corner them. It wasn’t the longest act we’ve done, but it was close. It was about 4 a.m. when we started and it was morning when we finished. The thrill of the act is still tingling in me.

It isn’t as satisfying as it is to Jack and Jen. They’re in the bedroom now. I can hear Jen’s moans and Jack’s panting. It’s always noisy to me, no matter the size of the hotel room. The only time it was close to quiet was when I was sitting in my bedroom in a hotel suite taking up half of the top floor.

This is, of course, one of the Justice Acts. Jen’s cousin—one of our victims—had bullied her when she was growing up. The bullying only ceased, she said, at nineteen when Jen left to move to Texas. This was Jen’s revenge. Better to take away a bully to make one less evil person in the world.

In the station wagon, we thought about our next target. Then Jack suggested Hillock. It’s a small town bordering on the marshes in Louisiana. Jen and I agreed. Jen will wear the doll mask as usual, Jack will wear a plain white mask that he got from the drugstore and I will wear the cutesy girl mask. As usual. Sometimes I wish I could wear the doll one when I commit a murder. I tried it once a couple of weeks ago and it was a bit weird feeling. That mask must be custom-made.

Oh well, better to be masked than to be identified by a person that’s only wounded. Occasionally, there’s a lucky person who survives our acts and the person goes to the police or whatever. I enjoy it when that happens. Makes our next victims more wary. Of course, we do have to be more careful that time.

Anyways, when morning comes we’ll pay the bill and pack up our stuff and hit the road. I don’t think I’m going to sleep well in this motel if Jen and Jack keep their stuff up. Not that the motel isn’t that grand. I hope we can find a better one in Hillock.

Hey deafwriter!
Here's my

deafwriter_19 wrote:(Author's Note: I didn't know if horror fits in the Action/Adventure forum. This is a horror novel I'm trying to write. This is a bit of a prologue. Comments appreciated! Will write the first chapter ASAP!)

We took our most recent victims [s]just[/s] last night.
They were a young couple, probably in their early thirties or late twenties. Took a long time to finally corner them. It wasn’t the longest act we’d [s]ve[/s] done, but it was close. It was about 4 a.m. when we started and it was morning when we finished. The thrill of the act You say act a little too much for my taste. Try to find another word is still tingling in me.
It isn’t as satisfying as it is to Jack and Jen. They’re in the bedroom now. I can hear Jen’s moans and Jack’s panting. It’s always noisy to me, no matter the size of the hotel room. The only time it was close to quiet was when I was sitting in my bedroom in a hotel suite taking up half of the top floor.
This is, of course, one of the Justice Acts. Jen’s cousin—one of our victims—had bullied her when she was growing up. The bullying only ceased, she said, at nineteen when Jen left to move to Texas. This was Jen’s revenge. Better to take away a bully [s]to[/s] and make one less evil person in the world. This paragraph felt a little rushed. Slow down
In the station wagon, we thought about our next target. Then Jack suggested Hillock. It’s a small town bordering on the marshes in Louisiana. Jen and I agreed. Watch your tenses. At times you're in the past and then you switch to the present Jen will wear the doll mask as usual, Jack will wear a plain white mask that he got from the drugstore and I will wear the cutesy girl mask. This reminds me of that movie The Strangers As usual. Sometimes I wish I could wear the doll one when I commit a murder. I tried it once a couple of weeks ago and it was a bit weird feeling. That mask must be custom-made.
Oh well, better to be masked than to be identified by a person that’s only wounded. Occasionally, there’s a lucky person who survives our acts and the person goes to the police or whatever. I enjoy it when that happens. Makes our next victims more wary. Of course, we do have to be more careful that time.
Anyways, when morning comes we’ll pay the bill and pack up our stuff and hit the road. I don’t think I’m going to sleep well in this motel if Jen and Jack keep their stuff up. Not that the motel isn’t that grand. I hope we can find a better one in Hillock.

We took our most recent victims just last night.
They were a young couple, probably in their early thirties or late twenties. Took a long time to finally corner them.[I think you should re-word this] It wasn’t the longest act we’ve done, but it was close. It was about 4 A.M. when we started and it was morning when we finished.[Isn’t 4 A.M. in the morning?] The thrill of the act is still tingling in me. [b][Where did the kill the couple?
It isn’t as satisfying as it is to Jack and Jen. They’re in the bedroom now. I can hear Jen’s moans and Jack’s panting. It’s always noisy to me, no matter the size of the hotel room. The only time it was close to quiet was when I was sitting in my bedroom in a hotel suite taking up half of the top floor.
This is, of course, one of the Justice Acts. Jen’s cousin—one of our victims—had bullied her when she was growing up. The bullying only ceased, she said, at nineteen when Jen left to move to Texas. This was Jen’s revenge. Better to take away a bully to make one less evil person in the world.
In the station wagon, we thought about our next target. Then Jack suggested Hillock. It’s a small town bordering on the marshes in Louisiana. Jen and I agreed. Jen will wear the doll mask as usual, Jack will wear a plain white mask that he got from the drugstore and I will wear the cutesy girl mask. As usual. Sometimes I wish I could wear the doll one when I commit a murder. [This doesn't seem like something a murderer would say if they consider what they're doing justice] I tried it once a couple of weeks ago and it was a bit weird feeling [awkwardly phrased]. That mask must be custom-made.
Oh well, better to be masked than to be identified by a person that’s only wounded. Occasionally, there’s a lucky person who survives our acts and the person goes to the police or whatever. I enjoy it when that happens. Makes our next victims more wary. Of course, we do have to be more careful that time.
Anyways, when morning comes we’ll pay the bill and pack up our stuff and hit the road. I don’t think I’m going to sleep well in this motel if Jen and Jack keep their stuff up. Not that the motel isn’t that grand [I don't get this...]. I hope we can find a better one in Hillock.

I agree with Snoink, it really needs the cold cut factual tone to pull of how terrible this is. As it is it sounds so normal and free flowing that people will just read it and accept not really catching the horror of it.

I like the references to acts, it should be an interesting read once you get going.

Maybe check out some of the news articles to see how they write out the details. It could help you in the long run.

Hehe! This reminds me of the perpetrators' side of the story for some crime thriller like CSI. Cool? I think so.

What you're going to want to do is to disgust us. I mean, this is horror. If I am not disgusted by the end of the scene, something is wrong. And by disgusting me, you're going to have to describe exactly what is going on in cold, very technical language. Sort of like a news reporter. Recently, Prok gave a link in his blog of some really horrendous act -- a young woman had been raped for 19 hours straight in a horrible, brutal way, and the news report was very factual and cold and that just heightened the disgust even more so that everybody who clicked that link, including me, was sickened by what had happened. So that's what you're going to want to do. Describe exactly how she was cornered and what they did to her. That will heighten the intensity, make it a real hook, and make us want to read more.