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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
wow.(takes a breath)
this is COOL. as in cool, like, i haven't thought of putting things like homosexuality and deafness and high school life together. this is really AMAZING.
i like this one. hope to read more from you.
~telle
Sweet! Was kinda feeling alone on this website! If you like writing stories like this you should check out sofurry.com It's a site where I post all of my stories. Names Ace Wolf on the site! Hope to see you there!
Hi there.
Let's get started.
In every morning class? I believe the proper structure of that sentence should be, "Every morning in class."
Maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine, but I dislike it when people break down perfectly fine sentences into two pieces. That doesn't always act as a nice "silence" or "remaining echo" as some assume it would. One sentence would flow and work a lot better. "People stare at my hearing aid."
She does a decent jobat signing for me, would work better. Her gaze, explain more. Is it like she has her head in the clouds, yet her body on earth? Her brain in a blur, her eyes filled with thoughts? Detail makes a story much more interesting. Bothersome stare? Blush? Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like the character is somewhat attracted to this person. If not think about changing the blush part. Maybe it's just me, but I think that way.
This is unique. Love it.
Into a dim buzzing.
For some reason this sentence annoys me. Maybe the wording and structure. Forward could be replaced with something better for more flow.
trying not to bump into the girls in front of me.
Again, no need for fullstops. If. I. Talked. To. You. Like. This. It would get annoying, no? The same way, unless you absolutely need a full stop for effect, don't use them. Comma's add more flow to the words, making everything look better.
I nod at June.
Eh, no need for italic.
Take out the and, better flow. Can't wait. Hm, not really loving it. Maybe a "Boy, can I wait." if you want sarcasam, show it better.
Now see that's better. More effect, short, so commas work out.
Tense changed? I inhured myself on the first day of school, I believe. And and then and again makes the flow get thrown off. Don't do it.
It's a Starbucks drink.
Overall
Alright. It was interesting, nothing that had me bouncing around my seat the entire time, but still amusing. You need to work on your transitions. A lot. I'm not sure if this is your style of writing, but it bugs me. It also more than likely bugs other readers too. Transitions are what makes a story good, they are very very important. Second, it was cliche. Not all of it, some of it. The whole 'accidentally spill drink' or the 'staring people whispering about me'. Show me something original, you have lots more creativity than just that! I couldn't really feel much of a connection with the character. Some parts just seemed very bland, the way he thought and spoke and all.
-JD
I liked it, and I like the idea.
This needs an 'I' at the beginning in order for it to make sense.I have to agree with some of the previous commentors. Your writing is choppy and that gets irritating. When you read it back to yourself aloud you will realise this too. You don't need to put full stops for every pause, a comma would work just as well. Sometime you miss out the subject of the sentence as well
Sorry that I'm being a bit nit picky but it will all improve your writing.
It is a fantastic idea so keep it going but proof read your writing before posting it.
Hello you!
I'm really liking this story so far. The moving away, being alone with no friends, hating life...that's something a lot of people can really relate to.
However, some of your writing is really choppy and there are a few fragments. I'd recommend going back through and trying to combine some of the sentences.
Some examples:
I'd probably change this to "People stare at my hearing aid, the way my speech comes out slurred, and at the interpreter socializing with the teacher. She does a decent job signing for me, but her gaze is distant." That cuts out a lot of the choppiness and the sentence fragments.
This section doesn't flow as well as it could, either. "Turn up the volume enough to make out every detail of the music" is not a full sentence, so it should either begin with "I" or be attached to another full sentence with a semicolon.
I like the idea of adding the comments to his friends; it makes it more realistic. For example, as soon as I moved out to Cali, I was messaging all my AL and SC friends, whining about missing them and wanting to go back. It's totally something anyone would do.
I like the idea of the guy that seems like all the kids in the school would want him giving positive attention to the new kid. Not only is he pretty, but he has a heart. Just make sure that when you write him, he's believable.
Overall: I think you've done a good job with this, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you've got in the future!
Take care,
Vanadis.
Hello!
This might be because I'm from California, but isn't the internet in your library... free? I mean, it's timed and limited over here, but you don't have to pay for it.
I wish I could actually see the dialogue between the guy with green eyes and Ayden. I realize you're trying to build him up and leave a cliffhanger, but the first thing he notices is his body, and that seems a bit shallow to me. Of course, you can't notice his personality at first, but I would probably notice his kindness or attitude to Ayden.
Also, for the beginning, if he doesn't want his name taking up their minds, why does he even correct them when they call him Adrian at first?
And, because I'm talking about the beginning again (this review is soooo out-of-order) I'm curious as to who the interpreter is and her relationship between Ayden. I've never seen this kind of story before, so that thing piques my curiosity.
Oh! One more thing... I think the second segment can be a bit longer. Right now, it seems really short. I don't think that flows very well. Just a thought.
Good luck with this!
Okay, well I said I would find something to critique, so I must keep my word. However, I am being seriously nitpicky here.
First of all the scene with the redhead teacher was slightly confusing.
Okay, so let me get this straight. Fifth period is study hall, sixth period is your off period, and seventh period is study hall again? What is seventh period? Why does the teacher say to finish your homework in seventh period and then almost immediately after, suggest you stay for sixth period and skip seventh period? Why would she suggest this? What is her motive? Does she feel sorry for him? I'd like more about the redhead.
Secondly, the handsome stranger in the library sounds almost too perfect. Remember, this is high school. While there are a few who are beautiful, all teenagers are going through puberty. Which means non-beautiful things like acne, braces, bad B.O., and serious personality flaws. Just keep this in mind for future scenes with Wonder Boy.
Other than that, you're story is wonderful. But you already knew that.
I'm convinced I'm repeating what all above have said but the colloquial language and phrasing is very endearing. Reminds of someones writing but I can't for the life of me think who... I'm very much looking forward to the second installment and whether you manage to keep the perfection of this narrative going
You know I like your stuff...I've told you on many occasions...Keep up the good work chuck
I really like this. Good voice, good use of sentence structure, great characterisation. I'd read on.
I can't even write a proper review for this. The reason? It's already too good! I love the character - he is dark, bitter, sadistic and the best thing - he doesn't care! Or at least pretends not too . . . intriguing material, I say!
I would love to read more of this. I like the way you write. In short proper sentences. It's pretty cool. Anyway, PM me when the next chapter is up.
Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.
I clicked on this story thinking, "Ok. Another twilight romance in poor disguise-- it's fine. I can take it."
But wow-- a deaf homosexual. I love, love, love it.
Nitpicks
I think you mean
I don't want my name to take up space in people's brains.
Besides that, I would say, it was a pretty good start.
I would say he's kind of in a bad mood; I mean moving is hard but he wouldn't be that cranky.
Also, the boy who bumped into him would probably ask if he had a ride home before offering to drive him.
Besides that, It was really good. You get super-bonus points for writing a non conventional romance-- or at least, one I don't find too often on this site.