Do not want anybody to read this. Sorry.
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139,430 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Aww!!
-pouts-
When I saw this had 'Mild sexual content' I clicked it so fast I nearly broke my mouse!
But why don't you want anyone to read it?
I really wanted to read some homosexual love scene( like the manga that always takes place in an osen )
But I guess I'm not aloud...
I was really looking forward too it.
Humph.
I guess I'll keep looking.
:*(
-Kookster out-
hey Ross! Max here, I have never read anything much like it. I've never read a gay romance, but this is my first time and I wanted to say, I liked it, it was very different, in a good way. Maybe you could discribe the charaters a little more. I feel like I have a connection with Justin, but not Cody. Don't ask why but it was just a feeling.
much love, PM me for questions/comments/talk.
Love you forever!
-Max
Hey, deafwriter, Evi here! I saw that your poor chapter had no reviews, and wanted to fix that. So, hold on tight!
Alright. I hate having to say this, but this really isn't going to quite do it as an opening chapter. I saw that that's what you intended it to be, but nothing in here screams read the rest of my story! You see? This is the average opening of two cousins waking up once their parents are gone, and though we can sort of see where the conflict could be going, we're not there yet and, frankly, we don't care.
In the middle of this, you substitute 'Chad' for 'Cody'. This shows that you didn't care enough to proof-read this, and that makes us even less likely to care about your characters. Why would we bother to read about people when the author can't even get their names right? Exactly. Proof-read next time. It's just a rule of thumb, and it should be automatic.
Brace yourself, darling.
You need to draw us in with something unusual. Show us why we should pay attention to these characters, why we should care about this plot, why your story is going to entertain us more than any other out there. This excert would work fine stuffed somewhere in chapters two or three, maybe, but not as your opening.
See? So, make us want to read this. Make us care, and give us something more than waking up and eating pancakes.
This is not natural dialogue. People don't reply with a 'thank you' in this situation. Put yourself in this scene, and act out each characters' lines; is that what you'd say/do here? Uh-uh. You know it, too. It's hard to come up with real-sounding conversations, we know-- that's why I'm here. To help. great, isn't it?
So, I realize that this is a very broad critique, but there's so much more you could do with this than what's write here. I hope I'm not being too harsh, love. I'd never want to come across as bratty in my reviews. PM me if you need anything, whether it's a look at the edit or an opinion of where to go from here!
Ta-ta,
~Evi