“Got him, sir…”
Velma Wilkinson dragged in the prisoner, shoving him in the chair. And it was one hell of a prisoner. Grizzled gray mane, the beginnings of a rough beard. His clothes looked like they hadn’t been washed in a month.
Josef Rodriguez gave nothing off, his slight tilt of the head the only reply to the prisoner. To Velma, it was both a thank you and a dismissal.
Velma left, letting the hard, emotionless exterior melt down to disbelieving relief. After one damn month searching nameless desert in Mexico, they had got him. And taken him to headquarters.
Her cowboy boots sank in the sand as she walked outside; fedora jammed on her loose, flowing hair.
She was gonna have one hell of a tan when this was over.
Velma sighed, snatching up a bottle of water from the water bin in the shade and unscrewing the cap. She pulled off her hat, turned over the bottle, let the water run over her face and hair. It was warm, but still it was water. And thus a source of washing away the sweat that had dampened her hair, left a sheen on her skin.
“Heard you got the prisoner,”
Velma turned, smiled at the middle-aged man behind her, “News travels fast.”
The Mexican chuckled, his weathered face scrunching up in a wide grin as he approached her, “The operation ain’t gonna be easy, Wilkinson.”
“Don’t be so negative, Carlos. We still got a piece of the puzzle,”
“True,” Carlos was beside her now, holding up a bottle of Coors Light. “Heard ya like this stuff.”
“Thanks,” Velma relished the coolness of the bottle against her hands, the quench of thirst when she took a long drink. “All we need to do is to get the information and then we’ll have our next assign--”
“Wilkinson!” the cry echoed across the flat, infinite bed of sand.
“That was fast,” Velma murmured as she turned away from the blaze of the afternoon sun, joining Rodriguez in the shade of the wooden awning jutting over the doorway. “Yes, sir?”
“We got our information,”
“And…sir?”
“The next terrorist lord goes by the name of ‘Alpha’,”
Velma found it hard to conceal a chuckle. All the male villains she were so big-headed.
“Laugh now, Wilkinson,” Rodriguez warned. “He’s next in line for our assignment,”
“Did you get any information, sir?”
“His name is Clayton Camacho,” Rodriguez replied. “All the prisoner told me is that he travels often and likes to date women.”
His brow arched at the last few phrases, which sent a glaring possibility through Velma’s mind, “And?”
"You're going to meet him,"
"What?"
“Alone, Wilkinson. I’m sorry,” Rodriguez’s hand rested on her shoulder. “But he’s extremely careful. Anything more than two spies will blow our cover.”
“I-I don’t think I’m ready for this, sir.”
“I think you are,” Rodriguez argued. “This is an order, Wilkinson. It’s our only chance.”
Velma wrung her hands as she asked, “So…when do I leave?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
There isnt much to say
except:
Bloody gorgeous.
If I get another one like this out of your I swear to god ill burst.
You're amazing..
I am just so shocked..
Word choice was amazing...
Plot was amazing..
wow
all i can say..
i love it.
That is definitely original! That is good. I disagree with spaced_out. I could not imagine Barney telling that story. Not at all. There was some parts in the story of which I had to read a few times before I could understand it. Something I learned in English this year might help you with this sentence: "She was gonna have one hell of a tan when this was over." You should not use the word 'gonna' unless in a quote. Other than that, I really liked it and I hope to read more!
First off, I think I should address this bit again;
I think "Josef Rodriguez gave nothing away" makes more sense.
Other than that, I can't see anything that's obviously wrong with this that hasn't been mentioned already.
On the plus side, your early character development is coming along pretty well. Velma looks like she's turning out to be a strong woman, what we'd expect from her line of work, and her interactions with the male characters of Rodriguez and Carlos and quite interesting. Rodriguez also seems to be quite interesting as a character, so I'm lloking forward to seeing how he turns out. Keep going with the development of the characters though. We've got enough for the first chapter, but it won't be enough for later chapters if you leave it at that.
I can't help but thinking that the conversation with Carlos is a little too fast. At the minute, I struggle to see its purpose. I think it either needs to be cut out (which I wouldn't do if you plan to use Carlos as a central character) or slow it down a bit by extending the conversation. You could even space out the dialogu between them with some description of the characters or the scenery.
I hope to see more of it soon.
Josh
What do you mean by gave nothing off? Maybe instead say Josef Rodriguez betrayed no emotion, slightly tilting his head towards the prisoner.
Again, great description
“ Have him pause before saying heard ya like this stuff. Maybe he think over what she just said and then offers her some beer. “
-- this sounds kind of awkward. try to reword it.
-- this happens too fast. Instead have her look up at Rodriguez in surprise and jump to attention “
-- Fragment. I think you are missing something here.
-- I thought you just said he got the information. Instead say, "Any particulars, sir?“
Wow great story! Other than those errors, I couldn't find anything wrong with it. One quick suggestion:
Velma seemed pretty tough but when Rodriguez introduces the idea that she has to meet with a guy alone she gets scared. Since she didn't seem intimidated by the coors light guy before why should she be now? Try to make sure that action fits in with the character mold you have created for her.
Keep up the great work!
That was good. I have never read anything like it. That is a good thing. I like it. But it seems too childish to me, like something Barny would say. But anyway, nice story. I hope that this is the first in a long line of chapters from you.
space
I disagree with Flame11. The "whipping up a bottle" line sounds perfectly fine. It just means that Velma briskly pulled the bottle out, right?
I think that is fine but it can sound better if it is put as
Also, in the excerpt quoted below,
the comma (in red) should be a period.
Besides that, let me shower you with compliments. :]
The title is really interesting. Thrills of Barcelona... So far the entry lives up to the same tone as the title, or 'least for me.
You've molded characterization into your characters discreetly, too. That's good. I can tell Velma gets nervous easily, or at least when it comes to meeting men alone, and that she is still young (at least older than twenty and younger than forty) by the way she acts. The same goes with Rodriguez.
I can't wait to read more (as always).
- Summerless <3~
This is great! I caught something that doesn't seem right... I didn't notice it the first time I read it but...
It doesn't seem right. It sounds kinda like she's whipping it like whipped cream.... I don't have any suggestions on how to change it.... Sorry. Maybe someone else will know.
Alex