I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t rain. All the signs were there. It wasn’t like it was a bright, sunny day without a cloud in the sky. It was foggy and a heavy layer of dew seemed to coat everything. And anyone with thick hair can tell you the pain only humidity can bring. But alas, the optimist in me took one look outside and decided today would be the day to go for a run.
When the raindrops begin to fall, I don’t think much of it. I’m already sweating like a pig anyway. But within a few minutes, the casual sprinkle starts to become a downpour and the streets begin to flood. A burst of light so close I feel my hair stand on end nearly blinds me. By the sound of the thunder that vibrates deep in my bones, I’m in for a real storm.
Since I’m a few miles from home, I jog over to the nearby underpass, deciding to wait it out. It’s quite large with intersecting, spiraled cracks and eye-catching graffiti. My only concern is that I might get mugged or that the faint smell of fish will kill me. Either is entirely possible.
I lean against the wall and pull out my phone. When I tried to see what time it is, a black screen flashes back at me. The battery is dead.
That’s weird, I think to myself, I could’ve sworn it was fully charged when I left.
It doesn’t matter much to me, though I know I will be bored for the time being. So, to pass the time, I start looking around at the graffiti.
The underpass, more of a tunnel really, expands quite far into the distance. I can just make out the exit at the end, as the dark sky blends in with the grey walls. Despite the lack of light, I can clearly see the tags and doodles strewn out on the wall. Thick, messy letters spell out pseudonyms I’m definitely not creative enough to come up with. Some I almost laugh at. Take Banksy’s Untalented Brother, for example. But as I walk on, the inscriptions become… stranger? At the entrance, the art seemed more consequential. It held more detail, had a wider range in colors, and expressed things more along the lines of jokes or satire. But as I progress deeper into the tunnel, quirky sayings turn into the crude, “Leave while you can.” or “It’s getting louder.” I’ve got to admit, they really went the extra mile with the dripping letters in all capitals.
Splish, splash
I turn around quickly, suddenly fearful someone followed me in here. I’m just far enough from the entrance that I would have a decent head start, but it wouldn’t take too much effort to outrun me. I laugh humorlessly to myself, realizing how much I’m following the classic horror movie tropes.
“Hello?”
The voice bounces off the walls, sounding distance at first and then growing stronger. I let out a sigh of relief – it’s a woman’s voice.
“Hello?” I call back. Something about my response seems… off. It suddenly strikes me that I don’t have an echo.
“Is somebody there?” The voice does the same thing again, starting off quiet and building in volume. I realize how eerily similar the voice is to mine.
I shake my head, confused. “IS somebody there?” Again, no echo.
Then it hits me.
No, it can’t be possible. How would that even work? My ECHO can’t be responding to me, for crying out loud!
“This is freaking me out.”
I narrow my eyes, trying to figure out where the sound is coming from, but it bounces along the curved walls unnaturally.
“This is freaking me out.” I murmur to myself, rubbing my face with the side of my hand. I realize what I’d said too late.
I back against the wall trying to keep myself together. I refuse to say anything more. Maybe that’ll keep the echo silent. If I refuse to speak, then whatever is saying what I will say in the future will stay silent.
I remember the odd warnings painted on the wall and look back at them again. My eyes widen in fear when I notice a picture in particular.
It’s a simple drawing of a woman in workout clothes. Her head is cocked to the side in confusion, her hand holding a dead phone.
My heart thumps loudly in my chest. Either it’s a terrifying coincidence or someone is here with me. I raise my finger to the wall to touch the image. My finger comes back, spray paint dripping from the tip.
Splish, splash
I can hardly focus on the next image. It shows the woman - me, I fear - walking, just a step away from a full sprint. This one somehow looks even newer.
I pick up my pace, trying to see the next image. They’re becoming more spaced out now. A foot, two feet, three feet…
Splish, splash
A bloodcurdling scream cuts through the air. As it gets louder and louder, I begin to realize JUST how much it sounds like my own. My eyes shift to the last picture on the wall. It’s me, but this time, I’m not alone. The splashing gets louder behind me. Just as the cry cuts off, I open my mouth in horror - a scream building in my throat.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey! Forever Here for a very short review!
Things I liked and also a few suggestions. Just distingush between them,clearly stated tho.
I guess putting a 'that' between closeand I will make the flow a lot better. I had to re-read it to get te meaning and yet it doesn't seem to be flow very well.
I seem to like te word 'that'a lot. Whatever, after pseudonyms, put a that or which. Which is better in this case,I guess.
I just love this paragraph. It has an indescribable feeling of terror and horror. Kind of sets the actual matter of the story.
Oh this is really awesome. Extent of the feeling of creepiness.
And... I am really terrified. This was an awesome creepy story with an odd mysterious felling which you managed to create by the open ending. You really created a visual image which I seldom manage... Again, this was just awesome.
Keep writing!
~Forever
Hi Rosewood,
Mailice here with a short review!
This was an unexpectedly creepy story. I like the idea behind it, how you start to describe the story. You made a very good start for your story. I like how you go from a train of thought to a description and back to the person with the connection of a note. You stick to simple points, and up to the point where the narrator goes into the tunnel to seek shelter from the rain, it also seems very realistic and it's easy to get into the story.
You have an exciting way of describing. I like the narrator's voice, how she doesn't know what's going to happen, just like the reader, and how she's cautious as she reads. You manage to keep the tension in the second half too. I like how the descriptions of the spray-painted walls diminish and the horror becomes real as the narrator ventures deeper into the darkness. I think you've managed to create a perfect transition and bring about the "beginning" without the reader being directly aware of it.
One thing I would have liked to have seen more of, at least at the beginning before the narrator walks further into the tunnel, would have been some descriptions. Were there people in the street before the rain? What were they doing when it started to rain? The problem is that it already seems "dead" and scary, and that adds to the feeling of a scary story. But since I don't think that's what you were going for - at least not at this point, I think you could add what other people are doing.
Some points I found while reading:
I really like the start and after reading the story to the end, I like it even more. Maybe I'm thinking to far with this, but one can interpret the meaning of these two sentences not just as the fault of a protagonist not knowing if it's going to rain, but also as the metaphor of "rain" being blood / or tears". This would give the second sentence a new, deeper meaning and how the story will unfold for the protagonist.
Here is a full stop missing after "pseudonyms".
That went from zero to one hundred real quick.
That was a really great horror experience and I like how it went, without much of a hassle. I enjoyed reading it and I have to admit, that I had some goosebumps while reading because I was waiting for some monster / murderer to appear...
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Wow- thank you so much! First of all, you%u2019re too kind, and while I actually didn%u2019t intend the rain part to be a metaphor, I really like your interpretation. And secondly, thank you for pointing out the areas I could do better; it was very helpful! %uD83D%uDE0A
Hello! I was looking for a piece to review and had a fancy for horror.
First and foremost I was certifiably spooked. Especially after the first 'splish splash' the level of frightfulness rapidly expands and all the tension is released but our suspense is never entirely resolved as the story ends of a cliffhanger. I felt your character's fear. I really liked the parallels of the graffiti on the walls and the simple repetition and italicizing of 'splish splash' is very effective.
I also can relate to your character wanting to do outdoor activity when the weather might not be optimal. I also appriciated your real world reference to the graffiti artist Banksy I found the 'untalented brother' remake funny.
The only feedback I really have to give is I would rephrase the last two sentences of the second paragraph to "A burst of light so close it was temporarily blinding made my hair stand on end. By the sound of the thunder that vibrated deep in my bones I know I'm in for a real storm." As well as the analogy to classic horror tropes from "Following the classic movie horror tropes." to "Following classic horror tropes."
I enjoyed your story very much I hope you've found these thoughs helpful. Have a great day!
Thank you so much for your feedback!
This was good .... the whole experience that you took to write and it made the reader go on this visual ride .Stunning !
This was soo good
Thanks!
Oh my gosh, this was just amazing =O I don't usually read horror, me being the scaredy-cat I am xD, but this was written so smoothly and intriguingly that I found myself reading right until the ending. And ahhh the ending! So much suspense, and then there's this horrifying moment when the reader can visualize (or in my case, try not to visualize) what could possibly have happened to the narrator. I feel like this is going to haunt my nightmares now XD Which leads me to another point: I found it impressive how you were able to write a horror story that feels so chilling, without describing any violence or gruesome creatures or anything! There's just this sense of foreboding and a fear of what's going to happen, without being completely certain what to be afraid of. So overall, incredible job with this!!
I don't have much to critique, actually, other than the woman recognizing that she's following the horror movie trope but still continuing down the tunnel xD The laugh explains it though, like she doesn't take it seriously, so I think it's fine as it is! ^^
The only other thing I noticed is this part:
For some reason, the word "interesting" doesn't quite read smoothly to me here, and I'm wondering whether you could try deleting it or replacing it with some other adjective? I think "interesting" is just a little vague. Perhaps "spiderwebbing cracks" or "colorful graffiti and cracks that expand in spirals" would work? xD Sorry, those probably aren't the best. Just something to maybe take a look at, if you want to! ^-^
But ahh these are all just tiny critiques, and honestly this felt so polished and vivid and I'll probably be slightly freaked out by graffitied tunnels for the next few months, but still I don't regret reading this xD Seriously, amazing job!! I definitely hope you keep writing, and have a fantastic day/night!! =D
Thank you so much for the feedback! And I totally see what your saying with the word choice, and I'll look into better substitutes.