Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Teen Fiction

18+ Violence Mature Content

My Own Weapon

by Rosewood


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

I wanted to clarify, this work is not personal, nor is it supposed to be. It just popped into my head alongside a character idea. I would appreciate a little help touching up the wording.

There’s nothing like the click of the gun when you cock it. Or the rush of adrenaline that flows throughout your veins as it’s slowly lifted up to level with your eyes. Perhaps not the grin the curls up the sides of your face and the twitch in your fingers as you reach for the trigger. But most of all, there’s certainly nothing like the horrified look on their face when you use their weapon to aim it at your own head.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 479
Reviews: 22

Donate
Thu Sep 24, 2020 2:42 am
View Likes
spunkyspacekitty wrote a review...



this is really descriptive! I love the first two sentences! But the second one...I think could be improved.

"Perhaps not the grin the curls up the sides of your face, etc."

first off it should be "that" before curls instead of "the",

also, the word curls just doesn't sound right to me. It reminds me of the Chesire cat's smile from Alice in wonderland. Maybe something more like,

Perhaps not the grin that spreads up the sides of your face, or Perhaps not the grin that crawls up your face. Not the best suggestions, but you catch my drift.




Rosewood says...


I get you - thanks!



User avatar


Points: 176
Reviews: 3

Donate
Mon Aug 31, 2020 7:56 pm
View Likes
Password wrote a review...



Hey! This is my first review, so it might be a bit bad!

First off, I really enjoy how you've worded some things in this and would love to see more of this character!

One thing I noticed that could be changed is this:

"when you use their weapon to aim it at your own head."

That part of the sentence just seemed a bit weird to me. Maybe word it like:

"when you take their weapon and aim it at your own head."

or

"when you use their weapon and aim it at your own head."

Hope this helped in any way! :)




Rosewood says...


Thank you and welcome to YWS!



User avatar
81 Reviews


Points: 5979
Reviews: 81

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2020 12:38 am
View Likes
IconspicuoslyAlpacaing wrote a review...



Howdy hey! I have arrived to review your literary piece!

You said you wanted some help on the wording, and I'll do my best not to repeat what Axiom has already said. The very first thing I noticed is that the vocab is fairly generic, in that it doesn't give us (the reader) the intense atmosphere that the scene implies. For example, instead of saying the character's grin 'curled' up their face (I'm sorry, but curl is just NOT a threatening or dramatic sounding word) you could say it creeped or slithered up their face. It packs more of a punch, Y'know? Another thing that took me out of the Drama TM is the very basic structure of the paragraph. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but it felt very 'this is how I'm feeling. I will now elaborate on how I'm feeling. Let's sprinkle in some extra details, and oh look! A twist!'

I know you wanted specific feedback on the wording, but I'd also like to point out that if this was to figure out a character, set a scene! Where are they? What do they look like? How's the weather? Time of day? I've found that an environment can really help flesh out an idea.

I don't want to be that person that's all like "oh you talented starchild, you. An absolute prodigy!!! Unlike anything ever done before!", but I noticed that you're thirteen, and I gotta say, this is absolutely phenomenal for someone who hasn't been through more advanced training in literature. Rock on 🤘

I really hope this was helpful, and I apologize for any misspellings. My laptop is dead, and I'm writing this on my phone. I already have the eyesight of a 100 year old blind dog texting and drinking a smoothie, so the small screen is a nightmare.

-Alpaca




Rosewood says...


Thank you! I really like the adjectives 'creeped' and 'slithered' a lot better, so I may take you up on that offer. As for the character itself, I almost always base them on a few words to a flat out monologue, and I'm not sure I'm at the next stage when it comes to creating this character. But, just to show your suggestion wasn't lost on me, I will keep an... eye? ear? what would you say in this situation?... out for a scene or something distinctive that would help form something more substantial. And regretfully so, I know this isn't exactly original concept... (which just might explain why it popped into my head)... but as you and Axiom cleverly stated, it will all be worked out as I progress forward. I really did appreciate your critique, and randomly so, you're not alone, I am currently struggling to read because I'm too stubborn to put in my contacts!





I tend to come up with characters the same way! I suppose you'd say 'eye', since you're reading (or maybe not, due to the lack of contacts lol) with your eyes? But I'm talking out of nowhere, since I'm just as confused as you on the subject.



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 2281
Reviews: 25

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2020 12:10 am
luminescence wrote a review...



'Ello Rosewood!

This is nice little beginning to something, and I'd love to see it fleshed out if you ever do come back to it. One little thing I'd like to comment about is that because you said it came along with a character idea, it would've been fun to see the character along with the bit of story, but I'll work with what I got to give you a helpful review.

I can tell that the plot is about someone who isn't all there (e.g. The twitch and the grin.), but there isn't a lot inside. It's a touch cliche, so, as I said above, it's all about development because it can help you make your own story. I do have to admit that the way it ended was impressive; I really enjoyed that bit.

Although, that last sentence is wordy to me. Maybe it could be reworked into something like "But most of all, there’s certainly nothing like the horrified look on their face when you aim their weapon at your head." or something under that umbrella.

I hope this helped you - Good job!

Axi




Rosewood says...


Thank you! I agree the character needs serious development to avoid your nicely phrased 'a touch cliche'... which I would've done beforehand if I hadn't posted this blindly.




One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah