Young Writers Society

this is really descriptive! I love the first two sentences! But the second one...I think could be improved.

"Perhaps not the grin the curls up the sides of your face, etc."

first off it should be "that" before curls instead of "the",

also, the word curls just doesn't sound right to me. It reminds me of the Chesire cat's smile from Alice in wonderland. Maybe something more like,

Perhaps not the grin that spreads up the sides of your face, or Perhaps not the grin that crawls up your face. Not the best suggestions, but you catch my drift.

Hey! This is my first review, so it might be a bit bad!

First off, I really enjoy how you've worded some things in this and would love to see more of this character!

One thing I noticed that could be changed is this:

"when you use their weapon to aim it at your own head."

That part of the sentence just seemed a bit weird to me. Maybe word it like:

"when you take their weapon and aim it at your own head."

or

"when you use their weapon and aim it at your own head."

Hope this helped in any way!

Howdy hey! I have arrived to review your literary piece!

You said you wanted some help on the wording, and I'll do my best not to repeat what Axiom has already said. The very first thing I noticed is that the vocab is fairly generic, in that it doesn't give us (the reader) the intense atmosphere that the scene implies. For example, instead of saying the character's grin 'curled' up their face (I'm sorry, but curl is just NOT a threatening or dramatic sounding word) you could say it creeped or slithered up their face. It packs more of a punch, Y'know? Another thing that took me out of the Drama TM is the very basic structure of the paragraph. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but it felt very 'this is how I'm feeling. I will now elaborate on how I'm feeling. Let's sprinkle in some extra details, and oh look! A twist!'

I know you wanted specific feedback on the wording, but I'd also like to point out that if this was to figure out a character, set a scene! Where are they? What do they look like? How's the weather? Time of day? I've found that an environment can really help flesh out an idea.

I don't want to be that person that's all like "oh you talented starchild, you. An absolute prodigy!!! Unlike anything ever done before!", but I noticed that you're thirteen, and I gotta say, this is absolutely phenomenal for someone who hasn't been through more advanced training in literature. Rock on 🤘

I really hope this was helpful, and I apologize for any misspellings. My laptop is dead, and I'm writing this on my phone. I already have the eyesight of a 100 year old blind dog texting and drinking a smoothie, so the small screen is a nightmare.

-Alpaca

'Ello Rosewood!

This is nice little beginning to something, and I'd love to see it fleshed out if you ever do come back to it. One little thing I'd like to comment about is that because you said it came along with a character idea, it would've been fun to see the character along with the bit of story, but I'll work with what I got to give you a helpful review.

I can tell that the plot is about someone who isn't all there (e.g. The twitch and the grin.), but there isn't a lot inside. It's a touch cliche, so, as I said above, it's all about development because it can help you make your own story. I do have to admit that the way it ended was impressive; I really enjoyed that bit.

Although, that last sentence is wordy to me. Maybe it could be reworked into something like "But most of all, there’s certainly nothing like the horrified look on their face when you aim their weapon at your head." or something under that umbrella.

I hope this helped you - Good job!

Axi