My beautiful boy.
He was always more loved by people than I was. Charlie had curly brown hair our parents refused to trim, and it draped over his ears and covered his eyes. I always giggled at the fact his pudgy hand would routinely push away his sweaty bangs on a particularly hot day. He had chocolate colored eyes that lit up with excitement whenever he saw his favorite thing in the whole world; strawberry ice cream. We would share one whenever mommy happened to pass that small ice cream parlor. And when she would refuse to get us one, we would beg and plead until she just happened to change her mind. But what I loved most about my big brother was his smile. He had a smile that would light up a room. If you saw little Charlie smile, you wouldn’t be able to resist cracking a grin. His smile was enough to make up for whatever endeavor we’d gotten ourselves into. Well, that and his quick wit.
At age seven, I was a year younger than him. I was not the favorite out of the pair of us. Loud and stupid, I was the exact opposite of Charlie. I didn’t have his silky curls and perfect little dimples, but I did have a rat’s nest of reddish-brown hair and a smattering of freckles that perfectly disguised the crumbs of chocolate cake I constantly had on my face. My teeth may have not been the whitest or the straightest, but people praised my little gap-toothed smile nonetheless. All in all, I agree I didn’t win the genetic lottery, but I did have Charlie. And that was enough.
One day, midwinter, I woke up in the middle of the night, gripping my bedsheets and shaking. Shivering from the cold and whimpering about my nightmares, I slipped from my bed and made my way to Charlie’s room. I distinctly remember the stillness of the house only adding to my fear and every muffled step from my feet had my heart pounding a little faster.
I pushed open the squeaky door to his bedroom and squinted into the darkness.
“Charlie?”
“What’s wrong, Addie?” His voice was surprisingly awake.
“I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?”
I heard him scoot over in his bed and pat the now-empty side. I eagerly hopped up onto his twin sized bed and curled up next to him. After only a moment of steadying my breath, I tapped his shoulder.
“Charlie, why is it so cold?”
His face had become clear enough in the dim lighting that I could see him look at me with surprise. “It’s cold?”
I nodded.
He scrunched his face in confusion and then relaxed it. “Oh, I left the window open!”
“Why did you open the window? It’s cold and mommy will get mad at you.”
He patted my head and then hopped out of bed. I heard his footsteps make their way to the window, but not the distinct sound of him shutting it. When the pause had gotten too long, I decided to see what he was doing.
I was shocked to see him staring outside, his face barely containing a look of excitement.
“You’ll get cold.” I pouted, my worries forgotten at the sight of my big brother’s strange habits.
He shook his head. “I’m okay. Look, do you see them? They’re quiet.”
My eyes followed his arm outstretched through the window. We were on the ground floor of our house and he was pointing at the wall of woods nearby and the snow covering everything from our house to the dark gaps between the trees. I tried to listen closely, to hear anything. But the gentle sound of the wind was all that I heard.
“What?” I asked, pushing him away to get a better look. Was he referring to the light sprinkle of snow falling from the sky?
“There!”, he exclaimed suddenly, pointing to an area between two large pine trees. I look just in time to catch a glance at a shadow moving between the gap. Another shadow, just nearby, waved beckoningly at us. It was big enough to be a person.
My heart just about stopped. One thing Charlie lacked was fear, so I couldn’t imagine what was going through his head at the sight not more than twenty feet ahead of us.
“I want you to close the window,” I told him, speaking as boldly as I could. In all honesty, I was shaking like a leaf and it couldn’t have sounded very brave.
“Why? They just want to play hide-and-seek.”
I heard the calmness in my brother’s voice and the words he used and relaxed a bit. Hide-and-seek? That was my favorite game. But I shook my head insistently. Mommy and daddy always said not to play outside at night. They said we could get lost like we did when we went camping last year. Then again, they also told me to trust Charlie.
“Are you going to play with them?” I asked hesitantly.
He nodded with obvious glee. He could tell I was beginning to waver. “Come with me?”
I bit my lip.
“Addie, if you’re not brave enough, you don’t have to go. But I’m brave, so I’m going to go.” His words were filled with so much authority I didn’t know what else to do but angrily agree. Foolishly, I followed him out through the window, grimacing at the wet coldness that my bare feet sunk into. I hadn’t even thought to grab a jacket.
With my hand gripping Charlie’s, I followed his hurried steps. My feet fell into place inside his pre-made footprints.
Sharp twigs cut my feet and thorny vines looped themselves around my ankles and caught my face, but I didn’t dare complain. Charlie kept going deeper into the pitch-black woods.
“Not so fast.” I warned him.
To that, my brother responds grimly, “They’re laughing at you.”
I didn’t hear anything, but I pursued him and his strange desire to follow those elusive shadows.
His steps became farther apart, and his pace became too fast for me. I had trouble holding the hand that didn’t hold mine so tightly. His hand slipped from my grasp.
“Charlie, slow down!”, I begged. The panic began to set in when he began running. I was too exhausted, too cold, too blinded to follow behind fast enough. My breath, too ragged, sent burning pain down my throat and tears flooded my eyes.
“Charlie!” I screamed at his figure disappearing from my view. My only response was the wind that chilled me to the bone and blew branches into my face.
“They want to play! Can you hear them, Addie? They want to play hide-and-seek! Go hide…!”
His voice was too far for me to find. Sobbing, I fell to my knees. His gleeful laughter became quieter, but the wind swirling around me did not. It grew louder, filling me with fear. I slammed my hands to the sides of my head, trying to block out the sound as well as I could.
With my eyes squeezed shut, I couldn’t see the winds that seemed to solidify into frozen tendrils that grabbed at my hair, my clothes, and my wrists. Tugging me forward into the woods. I held my ground, screaming and kicking at the empty air in front of me.
My hand left the side of my head to fend off the attack, but howling screeches replaced them. Bloodcurdling wails filled my head and merciless laughter made my head ache. Were these things what Charlie wanted to play with? At that moment, all I could process in my mind was that I must have lost the game.
However long I sat there, resisting the pulling, is unknown to me. It became routine. Slap away the hand grabbing my hair. Kick at the nails digging into my ankles. Keep my eyes shut no matter what.
Suddenly, the hands stopped. I couldn’t feel the harsh winds swirling around me, pulling me deeper. I couldn’t feel the pain in my cuts, nor the blood seeping down from my cuts. I couldn’t hear my parents wails as they screamed my name. I couldn’t feel their hands grip my frozen body as they clutched me close to their chests. But I could hear the distant whisper admitting that I’d won.
Ten years later and I still miss you. After crying myself sick for weeks and wondering why they took you, I realize I was lucky. They wanted you more. Was it because you looked better than me? No, I don't think so. I don't think that mattered. I think they knew you had a heart of gold, and that you would trust anyone.
Sometimes, when I look out the window on a particularly cold night, I see you. I see your beautiful brown curls covered in icicles. I see your chocolate colored eyes blank and emotionless, seeing nothing. But most of all, I see your smile I loved so. Your smile, frozen to your face long after life.
My beautiful boy.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hi rosewood!
Mailice here with a review. First of all, a wonderful, creepy story that hooked me a bunch. Probably because the horror story did something I like a lot: you can't clearly see in the text what the danger is. It makes you feel like you're in the story yourself, facing off against something unknown. At the end of the story, the question remains open as to what exactly happened, who the creatures were that took Charlie. This is very good! It gives the reader another reason to think about what happened and how the narrator lived the years without the brother. That must have been a traumatic event for the narrator.
What I also liked very much is how the story starts. You describe Charlie very well and the narrator's place in the family. It gives you an idea of what kind of family it is.
I like this part very much because it shows the relationship between the two siblings. You want to show the same courage as the youngest to your older sibling. Maybe I can also relate to the passage all too well.
A good short story that does what it should; send a shiver down your spine.
Mailice.
Aw, thank you so much!
Hello person, i really liked your short tale, it was quite a fun read!
Your narration was really well done, and i felt like i was able to understand the characters quite well despite the short lenght. But i think it would be nice to see a bit more of the parents reaction after Charley died/disapeared, even tough i understand why you wouldn't put it in there since it's only commom to have fuzy memories about traumatic events such as this.
I also really apreciated that you didn't show us the creatures tormenting the siblings, because since we have no idea about what actually happen we are free to imagine the scariest possibilities by ourselves and it tampers with the fear of the unknow.
Overall, really nice short story, i hope to see more from you on the future.
Thanks!
Hello!
I'll point out a few things first and then get to my thoughts...
'At age seven, I was a year younger than him' - this doesn't sound right. The narrator is always a year younger than Charlie. You could change it to something like, 'I was seven, and Charlie
was a year older.'
'shaking like a leaf' and 'bloodcurdling scream' - these are overused cliches that are very unoriginal. Try changing them to something more 'you'.
'I had trouble holding onto the hand that didn't hold mine so tightly' - I really like this sentence. It perfectly describes whats happening in a very effortless way.
'I couldn't feel the pain in my cuts, nor the blood seeping down from my cuts' - you don't need to repeat 'my cuts'.
The paragraph starting with 'Suddenly, the hands stopped' is rather confusing. As this seems like the central climactic moment, I'd suggest rereading and tweaking it a little. The repetition of 'I couldn't' yet describing what was happening is confusing. How does the narrator know what's happening then? At first, I thought it was because they were dead and they were watching from above as a ghost.
All in all, very creepy, fun short story. I think you could have delved deeper into the things taking Charlie. Does the narrator know or find out what those things were? Because it seems so in the way they talk about why they think the things took Charlie instead.
I think some reworking could really tighten up the narrative and make this a stronger piece.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for the feedback, it did help. I definitely see where I could have written things better.
Hiii here for a small review~^~
"He was always more loved by people than I was. Charlie had curly brown hair our parents refused to trim, and it draped over his ears and covered his eyes. I always giggled at the fact his pudgy hand would routinely push away his sweaty bangs on a particularly hot day. He had chocolate colored eyes that lit up with excitement whenever he saw his favorite thing in the whole world; strawberry ice cream."
I loved this! It was very well worded, I could practically see what was happening!
"If you saw little Charlie smile, you wouldn’t be able to resist cracking a grin. His smile was enough to make up for whatever endeavor we’d gotten ourselves into. Well, that and his quick wit.
That part made me smile! Thanks for that!
"“There!”, he exclaimed suddenly, pointing to an area between two large pine trees. I look just in time to catch a glance at a shadow moving between the gap. Another shadow, just nearby, waved beckoningly at us. It was big enough to be a person."
Ok I stopped breathing while reading that part..
"To that, my brother responds grimly, “They’re laughing at you.”
I didn’t hear anything, but I pursued him and his strange desire to follow those elusive shadows.
His steps became farther apart, and his pace became too fast for me. I had trouble holding the hand that didn’t hold mine so tightly. His hand slipped from my grasp."
Can he hear things that aren't even there?
"My hand left the side of my head to fend off the attack, but howling screeches replaced them. Bloodcurdling wails filled my head and merciless laughter made my head ache. Were these things what Charlie wanted to play with? At that moment, all I could process in my mind was that I must have lost the game.
However long I sat there, resisting the pulling, is unknown to me. It became routine. Slap away the hand grabbing my hair. Kick at the nails digging into my ankles. Keep my eyes shut no matter what.
Suddenly, the hands stopped. I couldn’t feel the harsh winds swirling around me, pulling me deeper. I couldn’t feel the pain in my cuts, nor the blood seeping down from my cuts. I couldn’t hear my parents wails as they screamed my name. I couldn’t feel their hands grip my frozen body as they clutched me close to their chests. But I could hear the distant whisper admitting that I’d won."
Okay I literally forgot how to breath. This is soooo good!
Thank you for sharing this...... I'm gonna go cry now. ~^~
Wow, thank you so much! As for your question, I honestly don't know either. I guess you could interpret that way. Maybe he was just excited to "play". Maybe he wanted his sister to come wherever they were taking him. So yeah, I guess it's just up to interpretation.
Hi Rosewood! I'm here for a quick review.
I really enjoy reading this story. This story is beautiful and horrific in both ways. Titles don't show all the beauty the story contain, but I truly respect this simple and lovely title. I love the title and the flash fiction you wrote.
Grammars aren't all and punctuations doesn't matter as much as the writing itself, you can ignore my suggestions. But please consider it.
The first thing that caught my eyes was a few grammar mistakes and punctuation.
'“I want you to close the window.” I told him, speaking as boldly as I could. In all honesty, I was shaking like a leaf and it couldn’t have sounded very brave.'
You could use a comma after ‘window’, replacing a period with a comma. You used periods to finish the dialogue, but you could use some commas instead of periods. Since you placed another dialogue pretty soon after that, I don’t think it would affect the story too much.
Last of all, I have few things that I want to mention about this story.
“His words were filled with so much authority I didn’t know what else to do but angerly agree. Foolishly, I followed him out through the window, grimacing at the wet coldness that my bare feet sunk into. I hadn’t even thought to grab a jacket.”
“Angerly” It might be better to “Angrily”. This story is really impressive, but this part caught me off guard and made me stop reading and rethink. I suggest you spell it as “Angrily”.
The last thing I think you should know is that you suddenly changed Charlie as a first-person perspective at the end, when just a few moments ago you addressed him as a completely third-person view. I think you should go over that and think about the unexpected sudden change that appeared out of somewhere I have no idea where.
All of these are only suggestions, feel free to ignore these. You might have a purpose writing that way or as that perspective, but I think that is a bit abrupt when Charlie was addressed as a first-person perspective.
Overall, this is really a beautifully written piece of horror. It was wonderful to read this and I truly think you did an amazing job on writing this.
Keep on writing!
Your reviewer,
Chris
Thank you so much for the feedback! I'll be sure to fix my mistakes.
Your welcome!
I love reading your story!
Hi Rosewood!
This was such a well written piece. I loved the story and the way you described everything was so perfect. The description of both Addie and Charlie was done very nicely. You set a good contrasting traits in both their characters and how Charlie was more loved by everyone. Despite this fact her younger sister loved him a lot. At first I believed that this story may involve some jealousy thing because of that opening line. But as you continued I was so enthralled by the story because of the nice pacing and seamless narration.
Angerly is archaic form. It's better to use angrily.
I was getting spooky feeling with the way Charlie was describing those mysterious things in the woods and how they wanted to play with both of them. I mean you really did a good job in creating a horror scene.
I could all picture this in my mind with a little girl in middle of dark woods. You really did a good job in depicting this supernatural story. I liked the end part where you wrote how she was trying to figure why did they took Charlie.
This part had a painful feeling. A void was created in Addie's life and such expressions truly show how much she missed her brother.
Overall I thoroughly enjoyed your writing and hope to read more from you. All the best!
Keep writing
Thank you for the feedback! I'll be sure to fix my mistake.
Hey and welcome to YWS! I'm Silverquill, here with a review.
I really enjoyed this piece. I'm a sucker for a chilling horror work, and this has filled that void of slightly sick pleasure in my soul in an entirely good way. The title, too, is misleading; I was half expecting a speech from a mother detailing all the ways she loves her son.
One thing you do exceptionally well is description. I was able to clearly envision this piece in my brain, something that shows incredible skill on the part of the writer. The way they worked with the plot to elevate it was incredible, so... good job!
A couple things: towards the end you start to address Charlie, saying "you" like in "Your smile, frozen to your face long after life." This makes for some consistency issues, as earlier in the piece you describe Charlie from a complete third person perspective, as if you were telling something to a complete stranger. Since a majority of the piece is written as the "telling a stranger" type narrative, I'd suggest changing the last part to match. However, this is just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore.
Secondly, I think there should be a comma after wrong in "What's wrong Addie?"
Overall: good job! I enjoyed this piece very much. Keep on writing!
Thank you so much for the feedback! I was hoping it would seem like Addie was shifting her focus to Charlie in the end, but now that I'm rereading it, it does seem a little off.