The sun suffocates me
and the still water crushes me
as I lie here panting on this god forsaken island.
I don't know how long they've left me here to die.
It might've been a few days
or just a few weeks.
time doesn't register here where the sun never sets.
I haven't eaten or drank anything for days.
I've lost the will to move.
The solitary bush
that sits in the middle of the island
mocks me.
It's pristine, luscious fruit
grows bigger and bigger
with every waking hour of every waking day.
But to eat it would be to die.
And I cannot die
because I promised.
I promised him I wouldn't.
For if I were to die then he is to die.
So I lie here,
alive.
Waiting,
ever waiting,
for him to rescue me....I know he'll come....
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This is definettly something you don't see often. But you should have added stanzas. It is easier on the eyes.
The sun suffocates me and the still water crushes, as I lie here panting on this god forsaken island. I don't know how long they've left me here to die. It might've been a few days or weeks, time doesn't register here where the sun never sets. I havn't eaten or drank anything for days and I've lost the will to move. That solitary bush that sits in the middle of the island mocks me. It's pristine, luscious fruit grows bigger and bigger with every waking hour of every waking day. But to eat it would be to die. And I will not die because I promised. I promised him I wouldn't. For if I were to die then he is to die. So I lie here staying alive waiting, ever waiting, for him to rescue me from this hell hole......I know he'll come.....
Look at this and tell me it is easy for you to read. Though I am talking from my totally ADHD mind (metaphorically, though I do have my moments.) Maybe next time stanzas would help.
-thestorygirl
This is really good, but it sounds more like the prelude to a short story or novel or something like it.You seem to be on to something here. If i were you, i would go ahead and continue this as at least a short story.
#BF4000 ">I cannot die would also be a good thing to put there.
Overall, nice job!