In the beginning, He made the Tree, and the Tree was whole and the Tree was Pure.
Then, Their sin poisoned the Tree, for when the apple was pulled the Tree was no longer whole and so no longer pure, and left behind was a scar that festered and blackened the Tree.
Years passed and the Tree thrived in its corrupt, withered state. The old, bruised fruit fell, and where they fell, new trees grew.
And so as it thrived, the Blackwood Forest was forgotten. Occasionally, one might hear whispers throughout history. Explorers coming back with lumber of black wood as a gift to their Royals, elegantly carved into chairs and desks and tables. If one were to delve deeper, they would learn of the terrible misfortunes that followed, of the mysterious deaths and plagues. And so throughout history, little innocuous burnings of black wood occurred and was not spoken of. The fear of these objects was so great they dared not speak of them.
But of all these objects made, five remained. Four instruments carved from the original Tree: one cello, one bass, one viola and one violin. Their curse was the strongest. Anyone who dared play them died, some went violently insane.
There have been those who have tried to destroy them but instead have been destroyed themselves.
The only way to destroy them has been lost for centuries until now.
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello Rose, Flite here for a review.
So, you've characterized this under poetry but in truth is is more like a shot story going by the format. But that doesn't matter for now, what I want to talk about is the content of what you've written. What you've written here is not a poem, or a short story or a story in any form. A story requires a beginning, a middle and an end. What you've written here is the summary of the plot of a story you're going to write. And along with that, you've dumped a lot of other information along with it. Regardless, I will provide you some feedback on the content.
This sounds like a version of Eden but with a forest and a curse that's prevailed. It's probably a good idea to inform us who the He is. Considering we know nothing about him, also there is an abrupt jump of time between the first three paragraphs and the fourth one. The first three you talked about the history and origin of the tree, however in the third. The name, Blackwood Foreat sudden popped out of nowhere. I'm going under the assumption you're talking about the same forest here, but you should have foreshadow the name of the forest to create a link between the two.
The forest was forgotten, you said? Why was it forgotten, you could have developed this story so much more. Those are details that you shouldn't have omitted, we know close to nothing about the forest already. Did anything live in it? Where is it? Why was it forgotten. There's a lot of information in paragraph four that doesn't come with an explanation. Such as the explorers coming back with gifts. Who are those people, are you saying that there are Royald who live in the forest? The whole of your paragraph four is a lot of details compressed into one, it sounds like a massive heap of random snatches of information that's just been tossed together. You need to elaborate on each of these to flesh out your plot for the readers.
The making of the instruments is another one, they also appeared out of nowhere. Who carved these instruments? Why did they make it? Of course, you don't have to reveal this to the readers. But if you're going to tell us a plot you might as well give us a better fleshed out version of it. The same goes with every writing, everything comes with cause and effect. A forest isn't cursed or forgotten simply because you wish it to be, normals rules of logic must apply to make a situation realistic.
However, this is an idea that can go places depending on where you take it. I hope I've helped a bit, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me.
-Flite
Hello! I like the idea here of continuing the story of the Tree of Knowledge. The backstory you created for the tree is very intriguing, and I like the way the story was developed to show the tree's effect throughout history.
There are places where I think the descriptions could be improved. I noticed several repeated descriptions:
I think it would help to vary the descriptions, to make the story more captivating and to better develop what's being described.
Also, it might help to use stronger imagery to describe the tree. The story uses words such as "festered," "blackened," "corrupt," and "withered," but I think it could use more colorful descriptions to help the reader to envision the tree, and to create a mood that reflects the nature of the tree. It's more interesting to read if the descriptions get across the sinister darkness of the tree.
There are a few other places where it might help to be more detailed. The story mentions "terrible misfortunes" and "deaths and plagues," but it might be more effective if it were more specific. Also, when it mentions the musical instruments created from the tree, it makes clear that they are powerful objects, but more details could be used to show their importance.
The descriptions are good, but I think they could be better used to create images of the tree and the incidents described, to create a more engaging story. I like the narrative of the tree, and I hope you develop the legend further. Keep writing!
Ooooh, I like this story idea. I can tell that this is just an introduction/prologue or like the excerpt one would find on the jacket of a book sometimes. I have a couple things that could possibly be improved that you may want to look at.
Then, Their sin poisoned the Tree" I feel that the "Then" isn't really needed and the idea works without it and looks cleaner as "Their sin poisoned the Tree...."
There was a part that confused me "Tree thrived in its corrupt, withered state." I'm not sure what you meant by that. Is it supposed to be an oxymoron, like on how something without goodness can grow? It's not really critique but is something I read wrong/misunderstood.
I'm really interested in this story though. Who found the original tree? Was it by accident? What's going to happen to whoever tries to destroy them? These are questions I'm thinking as a reader and not a reviewer but I would love to read any further installments if you write them.
Thanks for hearing (or reading!) my babble!
-Stellabeam