z

Young Writers Society



You're Somewhere Far Away

by RoseCrown


You said you'd be with me,
Every step of the way.
You said we were meant to be,
And that "us" would happen someday.

But, look at our end,
I am lost without you!
I don't have you to call as my friend,
And now none of my dreams can come true.

Cause,

You were my only light,
You were my dreams,
You'd shine so bright in my dark nights,
But our fate's not what it seems.

When life took you away,
It took you away forever.
It didn't bother to let you stay,
With me, for we got not a second together.

I have no more cards to play,
And the Gods have rolled their dice.
All there's left for me to say,
Is that their minds are as cold as ice.

They left me alone in this world,
With no one to lean onto.
They took away my precious pearl,
They took away you.

But, I still love you!
No matter far or near
And this is the truth,
That, you're still close to my heart dear.

SO,

Let fate play its game,
And let me loose,
But I've carved your name,
And that's the choice I choose.

As my tears hit the ground,
And my heart breaks a little more.
No hope of life turning around,
My eye don't see another door.

But you gave your love forever,And I'll promise to keep it locked.
Yours and mine will be together,
And the door of my heart shall never be knocked.

Your beautiful and charming smile,
Lead me all the way.
It made me walk ten thousand miles,
And finally get back on my way.

So I walk along this road,
That leads to nowhere,
Carrying a heavy load,
That I'm called to bear.

You will always be mine,
No matter what.
And this is my line,
That, "I won the fight I fought!"

Love is surely a mystery,
But you are my destiny,
You're gone and our memories are history,
But our song's got a melody.

So I walk alone with a song,
Very close to my dear heart.
And this journey is doomed to be long,
But only light shall prevail and not dark.

Love, you're neither my friend nor foe,
But you to taught me to love,
And this is all I know,
That you're a secret send from above.

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508 Reviews

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Sun Sep 29, 2013 7:55 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review on this gloriously wonderful Review Day!

Technical:
"But, look at our end,", you need to change that last comma to a period. And reread that line without a comma after "But", and see which flow you like better.

"It didn't bother to let you stay,
With me, for we got not a second together.", delete the comma at the end of that first line. It flows better without it.

"No matter far or near", I feel like there should be a comma at the end of this line. It just feels more natural.

"And my heart breaks a little more.", there should be a comma at the end of this line, instead of a period. It ties it to the thoughts of the next two lines that way.

"But you gave your love forever,And I'll promise to keep it locked." I think you missed a new line there. That's the only issue with that line.

"Your beautiful and charming smile,
Lead me all the way."
No comma, and "lead" should be "led" for proper verb tense.

"But you are my destiny,", this should be a period, not a comma.

Content:
Good imagery, and you made it really personal in its tone. Good job.

Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!




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Wed Sep 04, 2013 4:15 pm
charmyvora says...



wow ur poem is really amazing and true ..and now i really want your training in poems you r dat good.. keep it up! :D




RoseCrown says...


Thank you charmy :D



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Wed Sep 04, 2013 4:24 am
youngandclueless wrote a review...



That was really good! The poem progressed like a story and I found myself wrapped up in it, wanting to know what happens, which can be tough in a poem. Usually poems can be long, and really to hard to follow, but I was able to enjoys this one because I was able to read it like I would read a book.

My favorite part was:
"I won the fight that I fought!"

I think that line by itself has its own message, which is really cool. It tells me that you can't win without playing the game, which is a great lesson to put out in a piece of literature. It always makes for a great story.

Well done.




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Tue Sep 03, 2013 4:46 pm
NicoleBri wrote a review...



Hello, pandabear7 here to do a review. Firstly, I love the poem :) it is great. You must be a natural when it comes to poems lol because I know I can't do them. Even though I try. Anywho, I love the rhyme. :) If I had to give this poem a rating it would be a 10.10 because I like it and you don't have any grammar mistakes that I see.

Keep up the writing!




RoseCrown says...


Thank you so much for the review means a lot to me :D



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Tue Sep 03, 2013 2:12 pm
Vivian wrote a review...



WOW. Awesome poem (it blow my mind). :) What was the book that inspired you to write such a heart felt poem. I have to read it now.

"It didn't bother to let you stay,
With me, for we got not a second together"

I feel like the lines before this make it kind of confusing. (And if this is a spoiler from the book, oh well.) Is he dead?




RoseCrown says...


The books name is I Too Had A Love Story!
Yup its a she who died!
Thanks for the review! :D




You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer