The Original Work Can Be Read Here
Your words will never be enough.
Every action has an impact,
and you chose the wrong path:
a path of fear, of hatred, of lies.
Your soul cannot escape?
Imagine how I must feel,
trapped in the stories that you told me,
the lies that you wrought around me
chained in the prison that you built around me.
May your soul wither— there is no god
that shall forgive you for your crimes.
Your soul shall be restless evermore,
unable to forgive yourself,
unable to make amends,
unable to do the harm that you inflicted.
You have no heart, scoundrel of the earth.
Your hands shake because you make them shake,
for you feel neither emotion nor the cold.
You are a heartless snake sent by Satan himself,
doing his bidding by choice. You chose this path,
it was not forced upon you— all these things
you brought upon yourself and deserve
worse. May your soul burn in the fires
of eternal damnation, unable to heal
just as those you hurt are unable to heal.
May you never find rest on the face of the earth
and instead toil all the days of your life.
You think your soul is cold?
You think that you are bitter?
Imagine how I and others feel,
knowing what we know now?
You are not sorry—
and you never will be.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey TheScribe!
Thanks for sharing your poem with us, I thought I would drop by to give you a quick review. Overall, I thought you did a great job with this, as the emotion of the piece comes through really clearly, as well as the narrator's frustration with the person they are speaking to. I haven't read the original work that you referred to, so I wanted to comment on this as per its own merits.
For this poem to stand out more I think I would need to know more about the relationship between the narrator and subject. Since it's kept vague, it made it difficult for me to contextualize. I think I'd also be interested in more specific examples of what the subject has done to the narrator, because my main question is if they're truly as unforgivable as the poem makes them out to be.
You're a good writer, and I think you can make that complexity come across with a rewrite if you choose to move forward with this. Beyond that, I don't have much else to critique.
Anyway, I hope this helps, and keep writing!
Elinor
Thanks for the review! <3
Hey Scribe! Incoming review!
Was this meant to be a rhetorical question? I can see how it would be, but I think it was executed somewhat poorly. Maybe you could have put something more along the lines of , "You say your soul cannot escape," to emphasized the frustration of this person's aloofness of other's situations. But I think that's all the critique I have. Let me praise the work.I think you displayed emotions really well in this work of yours. I can feel the frustration and anger in your words. With that said let me handle some critiques I have.
This really displays how an unfeeling person can mimick emotion. It's very striking and it works really well with the poem as a whole.
You also, very eloquently I may add, curse the person who has been so cruel to others. It's like if you say to someone, "I wish you sock is rotated just enough for it to be uncomfortable," or , "I wish both sides of your pillow are warm." But you obviously wish more terrible things.
But thats all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful. I think tou civil way of expressing this frustration and anger was easy to read ans easy to connect with. Anyway byeeeeeeeee<3
Thanks for the review <3