New Worlds: Book 1, Noel(Chapter 2)

Heyup!

'Kay, so RachaelElg already talked about the paragraph spacing, but it bears repeating: space! It breaks up the Text Wall of Doom (tm). But yay for left alignment!

I sat on the white chair that was beside it, I read the white book and I found out what the comet was and what this place is.

This is a great example of how fast this work zooms by. You pretty much state exactly what is going to happen and then it just sort of... happens. No real interesting lead-up, just... Bam. Sentence with a subject and a verb. The story is happening, but it is happening in the least interesting way it could.

Give us a little description. Shake up the sentence structure a little. Give us a little of what the character is feeling. How do they feel to be dumped in this strange area? I imagine they are a little shaken up at least. They want explanations. And then the conversation at the end, he's just like "okay, this is where I am, can I go here?" and the other guy's like "sure, you're not Neo, so go ahead in without any other sort of identification to prove you aren't lying" and the character's like "sweet, I'm not even going to ask who Neo is, how I got here, why I'm here or what's going on. In I go to this town that I suddenly know the name of." It all goes by so fast. I know everyone else is saying this too, but it's true. Slow down a little and let us get a sense of what's going on with sights, sounds, smells, emotions, thoughts, etc. etc. There's more to moving a story along than just the straight action.

Feel free to drop me a line if you've got questions!

~GryphonFledgling

I stood up and looked around the place. It was a huge, white room. Not only was it huge and pure white, it was empty, completely empty.

-You need to show me more details than this. First, where did you stand up from? Where you sitting on a chair? In the middle of the room? Where you sitting on the floor? Make me imagine it.

1-Also, you can describe the room with much more than being white and empty. Were there any windows? I know it's empty, but it would be better if you enhance the sentence and tell me there were no furniture and how strange you thought that was. Was it dusty? Clean?

Walking around the huge room, I found out that it was not empty. There was a white book entitled “The Room of Worlds” on top of a white desk. I sat on the white chair that was beside it, I read the white book and I found out what the comet was and what this place is.

That slightly confused me. Could the room be big enough that the MC didn't see the desk, the chair and the book? That was a little strange.

It was stated here
“Cunningham Co. had launched a secret program to connect all worlds and allow easy access.”
Then I changed the page as I already got the information I wanted
“The probes sent to find and examine worlds near and far were disguised as comets.”
I changed the page again as now I know what the ‘comet’ was.
“This room has around fifty doors to date.”
Then I changed the page again.
“Unfortunately, there is a glitch in the system that any life being will automatically be transported into the universal room and may never return to their home world. We are currently trying to fix this glitch; we are starting at probe 00 and ending at probe ZZ. This is the manual of universal room of probe ZY. Thank you and goodbye.”

Hm... Do you not think this is slightly rushed? Obviously this is a novel, but you told me everything related to the book (which appears to be an important one) in only a matter of a few sentences. I think it would be better if you break down the information and give it to your reader gradually.

I went toward one of the doors the door I chose was entitled “Mosarde” I went in and found myself in the fields I went to town and the guard told me “Hey! What’s your name?” I said “Why?” “You might be the dreaded sorcerer Neo, that is why.” “Well, my name isn’t Neo my name is Noel. Now, may I pass?” “Oh, why certainly sir you may pass.” Then I enter the town of Histon…

Again, this is very very rushed. This dialogue could be expanded to take a page long or even more, but you moved through it in a very fast pace. Try to slow down a little.
****
Honestly? I'm sorry, I didn't like this. You need to practice a lot to be a better author. You need to take it easy on your reader and give him more descriptive paragraphs, because we read to imagine. And I had nothing much to imagine here. Read more and you'll be better, trust me.

Good luck and happy writing!

Hiya, Ritehunter. 'Tis Rach and Ribbit (the frog) here to review.

First things first, you might want to space out your paragraphs. The site gets rid of indenting when you copy and paste. But, if you click "story formatting" at the bottom of the submit-post page, or you just put spaces with Enter between the paragraphs, you'll make the piece easier to read. And easier to read means more reviewers. Which means spacing paragraphs is in everyone's best interest.

Now onto other stuff.

“What!” I said furiously.
“I am in probe ZY!”[/quote

That made me laugh (in a good way.) It sets up the conflict--he's going to be stuck wandering worlds for a long time--but you acknowledge it in a way that's humorous. You could have made it all serious, and it would have seemed coincidental and cliche, but that bit of humor endeared me as the reader. Also, it made me accept the plot you've presented without a fuss. So, good job on that.

stood up and looked around the place. It was a huge, white room. Not only was it huge and pure white, it was empty, completely empty.
Walking around the huge room, I found out that it was not empty.

This section, though. At the end of the first paragraph, you're telling us it's completely empty. And then you're telling us that it's not empty. What gives? This needs to be smoothed out.

And on overall note... I think you rushed through this. Read it aloud and you'll see what I mean. There's not a lot of flow. First, he's in this room. And then he's reading the book. And then he goes to this other world, and is okay with there being a sorcerer and all. Where are the transitions?

Don't be afraid to lengthen this chapter up with some description. How does he feel about this white room? How does he feel about suddenly being there? About what the book says before the comment about there being a glitch? Does he think that it's weird? is he freaked out? If he's not freaked out, why isn't he freaked out?

Of course, the key with all that'll be to show and not tell. So don't just say, "He wasn't freaked out because he was familiar with all this." Show us his calm... or his freaking out. Show us his confusion, etc.

Well, this review is officially making no sense, but... space out them paragraphs, fix that first transition, and then beef this up with some description and how Noel's holding up to this new situation. And definitely read it aloud.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach