z

Young Writers Society



Faux Homme

by Ritehunter


Umm, I wrote this for school and I was wondering If it's good enough. Sorry for the long read and thanks for reading!

-Ritehunter

A light, A blinding light appeared on the blade. It flashed upon my eyes. I covered them with my left arm. The swordsman swung his sword. It cut deep. I took two steps back. I screamed, loudly. I looked at my arm. It was bleeding very heavily and profusely. I screamed again. I covered my wound with my right hand. I looked at the swordsman. His stare was piercing and focused. I ran. He chased me.

I began to think. This morning was a whole lot better until all of this craziness happened. I was a chef in a small restaurant and had a small but comfortable apartment room. I don't have much but on February third, some stupid and weird thing happened to me. I was walking across my room and for some strange, stupid and deranged reason, I fell. I literally fell down through floor. Meaning, I saw my bed going up. And my lamp and my desk and my dog. I did not scream, I shouted, “What the heck is going on?”.

I looked up. I looked down. I looked stupid. I saw the sky beneath me. My bed was above me. I was in the middle of an uplifting crackdown. I touched the clouds. I fell. I touched another cloud. I still fell. I touched a huge lizard. I still fell. Wait, what? A huge, flying lizard? What the heck is this place?

I kept on falling. I looked around again. I saw clouds, clouds, clouds and more clouds and a giant flying lizard and me falling at around a speed of I don't know, maybe SPLAT!!

Who knows, maybe I will land on something soft. Who am I kidding? What is soft enough to cushion something from around five thousand feet in the air? I checked my pockets for no apparent reason. I put my hand in my left pocket. I found a handkerchief, a pen and a whole lot of lint. I threw them to the ground. I checked my right. I found some old memos and a fried drumstick. Don't ask me why I have a chicken drumstick in my pocket, I don't know why either. I threw the memos. I threw the drumstick. I closed my eyes preparing for the worst. I felt something scaly beneath my thighs. I opened my eyes.

I should have imagined a flying lizard ride on the backseat instead of falling to death. I got nauseous, dizzy and afraid. The huge lizard turned hard. I also turned hard, defying gravity. Down was my new left and right was my old up. I closed my eyes. I felt the same scaly feeling beneath my thighs. I fainted.

I do not know what just happened but when I opened my eyes, I saw something stringy and dark-yellow. It was also so soft. I pushed myself up. I was surrounded by hair. It was no ordinary kind of hair, it was blonde hair.

By the information I can get from this moment, I probably landed in the cart, the cart was a cart to remove hairs from a local barber, I was in a medieval and rustic-looking town, the townsfolk were like medieval peasants and the townsfolk were either shocked, afraid or both. One of the bystanders was a man who seemingly looked interested in what happened. He approached me. He grabbed a stick on his back.

I was relieved. I asked, “Where am I?”. He did not reply. He pulled out the stick. After he pulled the stick a few inches, I saw a shiny glimmer of light and metal. It was a sword.

If I would have known this earlier, I would have ran away from the guy but no, instead I raised my head until it leveled to his chin. He swung his sword. I barely dodged it. It cut several strands of my hair. I watched my several strands of hair fall towards the cart. I stared long at the swordsman. The swordsman also stared long at me. I blinked. He blinked. I ran toward the entrance. He chased me.

He chased after me. I looked back. He lunged at me. I tripped. He did too. He broke a signpost. The signpost's head landed near my head. Apparently, I am in a town called “Pedroche”. I looked at the swordsman. Apparently, he hit his head on the wall so I seized the opportunity to run.

So that is the story on how I got here but right now, I have a problem, a problem that wants to kill me, the swordsman. He has been following me everywhere. I saw a cabin. I went to the cabin and hid in a room inside. I stayed there for a while. I heard a squeak. I hid my self in the closet in the room. The room did not feel safe anymore. I heard a slash then a crash; The door was flying across the room. The swordsman was walking towards the closet, the closet with me in it. It was scary for me. Step, step, step. Each step closer then before. He opened the closet door. He saw me. I asked him how he was able to find me. He did not speak; He only pointed. He pointed to the blood trail. I peered my head out of the closet and saw the blood trail. “Oh,” I said. I had nowhere to go. I was doomed.

I was scared. There was almost no hope for me. I closed my eyes. I heard a squeak, a bang, a slash and a thud. I opened one of my eyes. I saw that the swordsman was knocked out against the wall and there was a strange guy with a stick. I opened my other eye. He asked me if I was a part of the rebels. I thought about it for a second and hesitated for a second more. I said “Yes.” The man grabbed my hand and pulled me up. He gestured to the door so I went towards the door. I got hit in the head. I fell. I looked toward the door. I could barely open my eyes. Everything became gray then suddenly black in a second. I grew unconscious the next second.

The next thing I remembered was that I was sitting all tied up in a chair in a greyish tent. I was with two other people. One man was an intimidating but he was also comforting at the same time, like being friends with the scariest person you know. The other guy is the sick, low-living, two-timing person who sucker-punched me. They were both in greyish clothes. The intimidating man's clothes looked like a general's uniform except that it was, well, gray and had no stars or medals and the backstabber's clothes looked like a rags for a swordsman.

The general walked up to me. He asked me if I was a spy. I said no. The general blinked, I blinked and the backstabber blinked. The general and the backstabber looked at each other. The general asked, “Do you have any ideas on what to do with this guy, Deprano?” The backstabber's name was apparently Deprano.

Deprano replied, “Well, General Polem, wasn't there a legend about the knight who rebelled against his own king?” General Polem replied, “ You mean Garrick?” “Yes, Him. I heard he was the strongest of his order of knights and when his king wanted him dead for rebelling against him, he fled.” “Oh yeah, I have heard about that, too. It is said that he fled to a forest and lived a life of peacefulness.” “And he will come again in a time of great need.” “Wait, what are you implying? Isn't he only a legend?” “No, He is real and that guy might be him. Wasn't I lost for months already? But then, I found a cabin with Reginald and him inside.” “Wait, Reginald?” “Yes and apparently, he was going to kill him.”

General Polem paused for a while. He started to move his mouth but restrained it in mid-movement. He faced me. He stared at me with almost no expression, almost no emotion, and almost no soul. He bent down on his knees and stared again and again with almost no expression, almost no emotion and almost no soul. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened his eyes. He said, “ O Great Knight Garrick, Leader of the Circle of Knights, Head of the Rebellion and Savior at the Time of Need, help us defy the warring kingdoms and bring forth peacefulness to our land.” I was surprised and I said “ I'm sorry but I think you have the wrong guy.” Deprano walked forward and said, “ I see that my last blow to you must have erased your memories. Let me help you remember them.” I looked back and I saw next was wood and darkness.

I woke up on a soft regal-looking bed in a lavish room. I was wearing a full set of armor and there was a sword near the bed. I stood up and walked around. Deprano entered the room. He smiled and said, “I see that you are awake. I changed your clothes to the last known armor and put your old sword next to you in hopes of helping to restore your memory. So, Do you remember who you are now?” I was afraid he was going to hit me again if I told the truth so I said yes. He smiled. He turned his back and said, “Good, so I guess that I will see you in the plaza.” I was surprised. I asked, “Wait, what for?” He laughed in a manner that somehow sounds menacing but also in an inviting manner. He replied, “To see if you remember how to use a sword.” As he walked away, I was in shock. I'm in trouble.

I walked around the room. I did not notice that there were windows in each wall. I could see the front of the building. There seems to be about 4 to 6 guards on front. I felt there was something strange in that view so I looked closer. Nothing strange so far. All I could see was a forest. Wait. I walked towards the next window, same forest, next window, same thing and the last window had the same forest. This building is surrounded by a forest but where could I be? I was in a city. There must be more clues to where I am. I went back to the window. But I was too frustrated so I slammed my hand on the window. I just want to go home now. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. Once I was calm, I looked outside but there was no more clues I can find. I walked outside the door.

There was a long hallway. I walked along the sides of the hallway. After a few long and tiring walking session, I reached the end of the hallway. On my left was a staircase going down. I walked down the staircase; it was as long and tiring as the hallway. When I reached the bottom, I seen many people walk by. Each person was wearing different clothing. Each clothing tell about the region the wearer lived. There was such a diversity of people in the area. Is this a rebel camp? Are there so many people who want to rebel against the government? I looked at the infrastructure. The whole structure seems to be made of stone blocks and without any chips, corrosion, fading or moss but how many buildings in the world are made of stone blocks that are still in good condition? It also had a Medieval style to the architecture. I walked pass the stream of people and into a huge garden. The garden had a circle in the middle. In the middle of the circle was Deprano. He smiled and waved at me. I walked towards him but I was overtaken by a man who seemed to be rushing towards Deprano and he was. I paused for a moment. The man was tired. He had his hands on his knees, arching over his own shadow. His head was bent in a way that you can say that he was looking behind his feet. He was panting heavily and relentlessly. He said something to Deprano but seemed to have a hard time in doing so. I could not hear the conversation but whatever the man said, it was not a good thing.

I am afraid of what may happen. After their conversation, the man left. Deprano had a serious face which I think was the same face he used to knock me out the first time. I'm sorry but it's easy for me to hold grudges. I walked towards him. He spoke, “I guess that I will test your memory in another way.” I asked, “How?” “Well, Reginald’s personal army is coming here.” “Who is Reginald?” “He is the one who tried to kill you, remember?” “Him?” “Yes him. I want to see your prowess in a battle, because we are going to have a big one.”

I was in shock and I wanted to run away but I was frozen in place. Everything seemed to go slower, I seemed to think faster and time feels to go frame-by-frame. I need to think. My main concern is to stay alive and go back home. The first question is, “Where am I?” I looked around. Deprano was shouting amongst the people and the people were walking very slowly, turning their heads toward him and wore a surprised look on their faces. I searched for key objects to tell what kind of building am I in. I remembered the stone blocks. What buildings uses stone blocks? I looked around some more. Some people were shouting and some were running around. I saw a walkway along the walls that can allow one to scan and search the general area easily. This place was build like a fort. I peeked around for a third time. Many people were running out of a room on the southwest of the garden. The people running outside the room were holding crossbows, swords or both. Since swords and crossbows are obsolete now, why are they using them? I took my fourth and final scan. All the people with swords were crowding by the gate and all those with crossbows were rushing towards the walls, walkway and towers. Wait. Towers? Would it make the building a castle if it had towers and is made of stone blocks?

I was so frustrated that I closed my eyes. I don't think I can be in England or in Scotland but where else can there be castles? This castle is still in good condition, is there a castle like that? One that even is surrounded by a forest with no sign of any modernity? I need to get some rest. I opened my eyes and found a war zone. Swordsmen were fighting at their strongest. The crossbowmen were shooting their arrows so furiously that the whole sky was darkened by the arrows. The whole area was bloody, chaotic and dangerous. I needed to get outside the whole battlefield. I ran towards the exit, north of the garden. I tried to ignore the shouts, the screams and the blood splatters that kept on hitting my face.

Many blood splatters landed on my face, many close calls have been made and I managed to get near to the exit with only a few cuts. I ran faster despite my tiring body. A gust of wind started to blow. I heard a cracking noise. I tried not to look and stop. I closed my eyes. I know that stopping is a grave mistake but I guess that is only for the movies. A red flag blew into my face and wrapped itself around me like a robe. I was blinded for a while. I took a few steps back. I tripped on something. I blacked out.

I woke up. I found myself in another regal-looking room. I rolled my legs until the reached the side of the bed. I pulled my body up and sat on the edge of the bed. I took a few moments to adjust and think. There are fewer windows than the room I was in the castle but aside from that, there are no other major differences. I looked at myself. I noticed that I have a flowing red robe instead of the stiffening armor. I am quite glad about that. I stood up and walked towards the door. I opened it.

I was in an intersection of two hallways. In front of we was a hallway and on my right was another hallway. I walked towards my the right hallway. It felt almost empty but the small paintings and few windows helped remove some of the eerie emptiness. I was close a corner so, I stopped walking to avoid any collisions.

I stopped and waited for five whole seconds. I took a guess that no one was there. I walked briskly around the corner, bumped into someone and fell. Ironic isn't it? I looked at the person. He was wearing a long white robe with a small crest on the left side of his chest. The crest was a small cross with a shield underneath it. The man stood up and dusted off his robe. I stood up and did the same thing as a response. We both glanced at each other for a second. “I see that you are awake now,” said the man, “Now come. The king is waiting for you, Lord Desmond.”

They have to be kidding me. They call me Garland and now Desmond. My real name is Faux, Faux Homme. I am not a Frenchman unlike what my name applies but I am actually from a tropical country called the Philippines. My dad was French and he was the one who came up with the name Faux. So anyway, I cannot say that to the guy. I wish I can. It may have bad consequences. So, instead of telling the truth, I went along with it, again.

I asked, “Where is the king right now?” The man replied, “In his throne room. Would you like me to guide you?” “Sure.”

The whole thing is stupid for me but I do not have any choice but to play along. When we reached the throne room, the king asked the man to leave. Only me, the king and four guards were in the room. The king asked the four guards to leave. Only me and the king remained in the room.

Lord Desmond,” the king said, “I still hope your amnesia attacks have not bothered you lately.” I was still confused so I said, “What?” The king sighed deeply. He spoke, “Well, I am King Aniceto and you are Lord Desmond. You are one of my most trusted advisers and my beloved friend. You left because you had something important to do. Are you done now?”

I just wanted to find a way back home. I did not want to stick around so I said, “No.” The king replied in the same tone of voice, “I am not really surprised in your answer since, we found you with your robe torn and twisted while lying down in the rebel camp. We took the liberty to change you out of the rags to a nicer robe. Now, I will ask this one question. What were you doing for the past year?” I was really disturbed now. Does anyone in this place now the word, “Privacy”? But on more pressing matters, I had no idea on what to say. I blurted out the first thing on my mind, “I was trying to find my way home!” I closed my mouth. I got more nervous. King Aniceto pouted. I grew even more nervous. He closed his eyes for a while. He opened them and he said, “I understand. That explains everything, from when I first found you to your attentiveness to exploration reports. I will not stop you. Good luck.”

I left the castle with a clear idea on where I am. I am in a country in a medieval age.

I felt almost hopeless. I felt that I could not go home anymore. There could be no salvation for me. All I can do is wander around. I kept on walking and walking and walking and walking...

I woke up on top of the green grass in the middle of the forest. I was laying beside a dirt pathway. I stood up and wiped the dirt off my robe. I remembered I grew tired here and slept. I looked around. No one was around. I continued walking. Moments later, I saw a coughing man sitting on a rock. I walked closer towards him. He looked at me and smiled. I asked what was he doing here but he shrugged. I asked him his name. He bent down and grabbed a stick. He wrote on the dirt using the stick. He spelled “Isiah”. I asked, “Is that your name?” He smiled and nodded. He pointed at himself then laid his palm flat and made a walking figure with his hand then pointed at me. I did not understand what he meant so I took a guess. “You want to walk pass me?” He shook his head. “You want to walk away from me? He shook his head again. “You walk to walk with me? He finally smiled and nodded.

I walked with him. He never spoke. When we reached a town, he finally spoke, softly. He asked if I can preach for him and this went on for several days with me actually speaking and him just whispering to my ear on what to say. The people were either surprised, happy or enraged depending on the situation

I felt almost happy. Even though I can't go back home, I think I can still manage here. I could have gotten killed or I killed myself if I did not meet Isiah. There is something about him that makes me calm and refreshed.

I woke up. It was morning. I looked around. We slept at the shore of a lake. Isiah was not around anymore. I looked even more and saw that he was on top of the water. He was … walking? I rubbed my eyes to check if I was really seeing it correctly. I was. Isiah spoke in a a loud enough voice for me to hear him. It was unusual because he did not speak like that before. Isiah said, “Come with me.” And I did.

He explained to me everything. I was sent here, an alternate universe, to help stall time for salvation but I indirectly helped stop most of the violence and destruction. Since I met King Aniceto, he stopped the war thinking that he might destroy Lord Desmond's hometown and offered peace treaties and compensation to the damage done. The rebels stopped revolting because the wars stopped. He was impressed. He paused for a while then said, “I think we have to return you back home now. Actually, we never meant to get you. We meant to get your brother.” He smiled and laughed and all I saw him fading away along with the background. It all turned black. I woke up on the floor in my room. Was that all a dream? I think I need to take a shower first. I opened the bathroom door and I looked in the mirror, I saw myself … in a red robe.


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Wed Mar 09, 2022 9:36 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Ritehunter,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

A thoroughly interesting short story that scores points for its storyline. There are a few minor points that stand out and need to be improved a little, but the thread is already there in the story.

Let's start by saying that I like the structure very much. It's a bit of a classic story with a good two-page view. You give insight on one side and build up some questions that are answered in the course of the plot. I quite like the approach here, that it stays very chronological and so we also keep an overview of what exactly is happening.

Let's move on to the next point. The representation of the spelling. This seems very simple and bumpy in many points, so that as a reader, you increasingly just bump into the full stop and nothing else happens. Here, for example, at the very beginning:

A light, A blinding light appeared on the blade. It flashed upon my eyes. I covered them with my left arm. The swordsman swung his sword. It cut deep. I took two steps back. I screamed, loudly. I looked at my arm. It was bleeding very heavily and profusely.


I thought at the beginning you were trying to build up some kind of tension with these short sentences, but that's not what I got the impression of the further I read. I think you definitely have to try to create main and subordinate clauses out of simple sentences, so that the structure is much more readable for the reader. At the moment it's very bumpy, like you're swimming through a river and you're always banging into tree trunks or rocks.

I would definitely try to refine the story at some points, you can certainly connect some sentences and thus create a much more fluid story. Here too:

The general walked up to me. He asked me if I was a spy. I said no. The general blinked, I blinked and the backstabber blinked. The general and the backstabber looked at each other. The general asked, “Do you have any ideas on what to do with this guy, Deprano?” The backstabber's name was apparently Deprano.


The sentence structure is constantly repeated and it does not seem like a rhetorical device. I think you have to try to put in a passive voice and take the story in a different direction a little bit. At the moment, a lot of it still seems a bit flat.

In general, I liked the plot, but the constant stopping of the short sentences made it a bit less fun to read.

Have fun writing!

Mailice





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