New Worlds: Book 1, Noel( Chapter 1)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“You must have come a long way.”

“Yes, it’s a long story how I got here.”

“Why don’t you start at the beginning?” “Alright, it started like this…”

I was stargazing at the beautiful, night sky. I thought that I should take a walk in my garden.

As I was walking, I was still looking at the lovely, night sky then suddenly I saw a comet. Ignoring the comet, I sat down on my garden bench admiring the stars then I noticed that the comet seemingly stopped then went back. Dumbfounded, I went back to my house as quick as I could.

Once I was back in my house, I ran to my room and peeked out the window to see the comet. I was in a maelstrom; I was thinking how the comet did that, looking out the window, I started to quiver in what I saw. I looked back to reassure what I saw and I saw right, the comet was going straight at me, very quickly.

Dumbfounded and scared I froze in place for a second then when I regained my senses I tried to run downstairs then to the garden to escape the comet but, alas, it was too late the comet caught me. Next thing I saw was white, pure white…

*whoot* A'ighty, review time!

First off, two things that are more formatting than anything else, but are hugely important:

1) Space your paragraphs. I can see where they are supposed to be, but because YWS formatting sometimes ignores a program's spaces, you need to go through and manually do it. As is, it's a huge wall of text that is hard on the eyes on a screen and so sort of puts a reader at a disadvantage.

2) No center! I mean it, centering the text makes the paragraphs and lines go all wonky and really takes away from the ease of the read. Go head and put it all on left-align. It makes it much easier on your readers.

Story-wise:

So fast! This goes by so quickly that I barely have any time to grab hold of anything. Who's your main character? Guy or girl? Who are they talking to? What's going on?

For as little as there is here, not a lot happens either. The character's in the garden and they see a comet. But they ignore the comet. But the comet does something wonky. Comet catches character. It's all very "he did this" "she did this". Spice it up a little. Throw in some description, some emotion. Give us some background on this character. What did they think and feel when they saw this comet hurtling towards them? Why did they decide to take a walk in the first place? So many questions and none of them answered!

Give us a little more "oomph". We need to get to know this character a bit more so that we care about him/her when the time comes. Right now, we're all like "who is this person and why is a comet trying to eat them?" rather than "oh no! Jimmy! I hope he's all right!"

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions! I'm on to the next part.

~GryphonFledgling

Hi there Rite. Lavvi in to review as requested. Sorry it took so long, I've been rather busy...

Anyway, let's get on to the substance of the review

A) Elaborate. I can hardly read this as a chapter: to me, it feels like it's more like an excerpt. It's so short. And because of its shortness, you have so little information for the audience to acquire. There's so much you can tell us. First, who are the speakers in the beginning? You need to be specific. How was the comet falling? What's this person's surroundings like? Who is the MC (main character)? This garden you speak about, what's it like? Is it full of dead, overgrown weeds and plants? Or it lush and green? There are so many questions that you can ask, but you aren't giving us readers the answers. Sometimes, the author lets the audience infer, but you have technically no information here at all and so it's pretty much impossible for us to infer or else we'd be making up our story, really. It's very, very important that you elaborate. You have the space to and it would also make the story all the more interesting. Don't rush.

B) WANTED: A protagonist. Really, I know nothing about your MC. I'm clueless to what their gender is (male or female?), what they look like, their personality, where they live et cetera. If you intend for the MC to be a mystery for the time being, we still need basics. It really can annoy your audience when they know virtually nothing about any of the characters, especially really important ones, like the protagonist. Who is your protagonist? We really are wanting to know more, so don't keep us hanging. It's important to have a developed protagonist so the audience can get attached and then in future adventures, can sympathize with the MC. This is extremely important.

C) Do away with talking nobodies. This also can tie in with the above points I've expanded on, but I'm talking about this more specifically. In the beginning, the dialogue, you don't specify who's talking. When you start off a chapter with dialogue, it's fine to do it with talking heads, but then after you should specify who the speaker is, perhaps their actions and/or facial expressions. These actions and expressions can give us, the readers, hints to how this character carries their self, their personality and maybe even how they might look. This again ties in with elaboration and character development.

Dumbfounded and scared I froze in place for a second then when I regained my senses I tried to run downstairs then to the garden to escape the comet but, alas, it was too late the comet caught me.

Interesting plot. I think you might want to put space in between your paragraphs but I could be wrong. I just joined today and don't understand this site yet.