Ivory princes eroded my rare-borne heart
Held my own for a time, now I seek a part
Tapping at my mind's door I shall explode
Ivory princes for sanity, rules they impose
Tell me I'll think straight, Dr Marjorie please
Give narcotics for the worry; and the troubles will appease.
Can't count the moods I'm currently having
Strange as may seem, to fall off the wagon
I'll go back to the white castle grounds
Only, the smell of the place makes me frown
Listening to stories I'll never remember
We all know I'll lose it before next September.
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140,406 Literary Works • 673,166 Reviews
Wolfie is here to write you a review!
This poem was really nice! I really enjoyed the symbolism you displayed- the castles, the princesses, and everything else was very original. I would have never thought of a disease that way, and you got my mind thinking!
The only thing that wasn't quite perfect, in my opinion, was the rhyming. In several places, it looked like you were trying to rhyme two words, but the words didn't actually rhyme at all. For example, "grounds" and "frown" are, in a way, near rhymes, but when your other lines have perfect matches, these don't sound as good. Does that make sense?
Otherwise, you did a good job! If you could polish this up a little, it could be a really great poem (not that it already is!)
Margo Seuss comin at you with a review. I like the way you related a psychiatric ward with a 'white castle.' The idea of living in an asylum suddenly sounds so romantic! Though it's not. As for these 'ivory princes' you'll have to explain what exactly you mean by that to me. I'm more of a literal person, so I don't tend to pick up on these symbolisms. *sigh*
My suggestion for you would be to establish more of a solid ryming pattern. I'm pretty sure you've got AABB going on here. Your first two lines ryme and then your next two lines ryme and so on. Only, sometimes you use words that don't actually ryme. For example, "impose and explode" don't actually ryme. To give this poem more flow, try fiddling around with different words that could go in place of 'implose' that actually ryme with explode. Perhaps you may even consider using a completely different ryming couplet. Up to you. The same goes for the pair having and wagon. They don't ryme. One last suggestion I have for you is to change the line "Only, the smell of the place makes me frown." To me, this line doesn't really seem to work. Grounds and frown don't make a great ryme either. Maybe try something like "I'll go back to those white castle grounds, go back to the white robes and the bounds."
These are my thoughts for you. This poem is on the cusp of excellence, it just needs a little tweaking. This is an interesting concept and I think it is worth toying with. Remember: a good work is never finished!
Yours truly,
Margo Seuss
This poem is so good because I feel terrible for the speaker. Your poem made me feel sad and that is why I love this poem so much! When a poem really causes the reader to feel something, you know it's a good poem
Nothing much to critique here.
I suggest working on comma placement.
I felt the comma after "Only" broke up the rhythm if the poem. But I also feel you put that comma there for emphasis on "Only" so I'm not saying you should take out the comma but the first time I read this poem it seemed ofc to me.
Good poem just work on rhythm a teensy bit.
Great work!
Keep writing.