She fell out a tree
When she was looking at me
My fault I guess
I’ve made such a mess
But now that she’s gone
The damage is done
And thus with a kiss
‘gins a cobalt apocalypse.
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140,402 Literary Works • 673,161 Reviews
Hi, I'm the Black Sheep.
I really like what you've done with this poem, I love the writing style that you use here. I like to describe it as a ghost speaker, like the lines are airy and light even though the content is intriguing and hard hitting. Please note that this is a compliment not an insult as people have taken it as an insult when I've said it before.
The punctuation with this piece could leave something to be desired I suppose but that depends on what you're trying to achieve with this piece. If you write it like this it's like the poem is only one sentence which could work in an artistic way, like the worlds lines are falling out of the narrators mouth but not really in a grammatically correct way.
I'll be honest a cobalt apocalypse was not something that I understood but maybe it's a reference that I'm not familiar with, I don't know. So I won't touch that for fear of sounding stupid.
Also I'm with Asteria on the 'gins thing. I understand what you were trying to do with that but I don't think it worked, at least not for this piece.
Once again I love what you've written and please keep in mind that whatever reviews say are suggestions because too often people believe that they must change their writing because of what reviews say. This is your work, I'm only offering ideas.
Hey there! Asteria here with a review.
The first thing that I noticed was the lack of punctuation save for the very ending. Was it a stylistic choice to have the end, the finish of it, the solitary period within the entirety of the piece? It read fine in my mind, the emphasis and pauses where they ought to have been (I believe, anyway), so it's not a matter of messing up the flow; More a curious inquiry, is all. If it's stylistic, then feel free to ignore this paragraph all together!
My only real problem (a nitpick, really) would be this final line,
I feel as though cutting off the beginning of the word "begins" makes the sentence read choppy. It doesn't flow from the line prior into it as smoothly as I'd have liked. Again, if this is a stylistic choice, please feel free to ignore what I've said as I wouldn't want to critic the style itself.
The poem flows with a nice voice, a pleasant sound, while being concise. A well-written piece, Renard.
I look forward to seeing more from you.