A time when he won’t love you the way he did,
When he’ll be all you think about,
And he thinks of someone else.
You’ll be a wild mess,
Like the unswept autumn gardens.
You’ll think of how it felt,
When you held his hand.
You will think of the warm, fuzzy feeling,
That you got in his arms.
His name will remind you of all the bitter sweet memories,
But it’d also tell you the tale,
Of another girl who ruled his heart.
A time will come,
When the only thing you’d feel,
Would be the burning pain,
Right in your chest.
And the only thing you’d see,
As you lower your head,
Would be your scarred thighs.
And you’d become a destroyer,
Of your own little universe.
You’d still look at his pictures,
With love and hate,
With passion and distaste.
And you’d try not to cry,
You know it isn’t worth it.
But you won’t be able to stop yourself,
Your inner beast will come alive,
And engulf your soul from the inside.
His memories, his smell, his face,
Will rip your peace apart.
You think this will be soon over,
But your heart knows it won’t.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Observerxd here for a review(or whatever, I'm not sure my opinion can be called a review):
Though this particular subject is not something I would usually look into, I've read your work and will now express my opinion as honestly as I can.
I would call your work- Expressionism. I can feel the emotions of this poem loud and clear, and in no way am i saying that you wrote it using anything else than your personal experience. What I'm saying is that the message this poem is bringing isn't half-baked or anything.It's a very deep subject to which many can relate.
Having said that, there are some things you could work on (keep in mind this is entirely my opinion-nothing more). Your rhyming pattern could use a bit of work. I'm not saying rhyming should be done in a perfect pattern but by doing it this way (again in my opinion) you break your flow and your poem seems a bit disorganized. Maybe if you organize it in several stanzas it would be easier to read in a certain rhythm.
Well to wrap up- You don't lack the emotions to write, but (in my opinion) you could use some more organization in how you write. I believe your ideas and the subjects of your work would shine more if written in a more, well, standard way.
Well that's it. Keep up the good work ^^
Curiosity227 here for a review!!
!!
Hello there. I have to say nice piece of writing, and this title really caught my attention.
The past few days I couldn't find anything I felt like I wanted to review. I couldn't find any titles that caught my attention, and I spent hours reading through poems but I never came across the one I felt like I had to review.
So, congratulation's, you caught my attention!
I love the language you use here, and the honesty here. Its true, when you love someone or something, you feel like it will stay that way forever. but soon their heart (or your heart) heart travels elsewhere. This poem is really nice, and it showed me how true it is that when people lose something they love, their hate rises up so fast that they don't even realize they are hurting the one they love so much.
A couple things to work on:
But your heart knows it won't.
Here this sentence doesn't work, it just doesn't sound right, and loses the balance of the whole poem. Now, I realized that Tuesday mentioned that bellow, but I wanted to remind you that I also feel this way.
To be really honest with you, I don't see much that you should change in here. When I read this poem, I realized how many people in this world lose a family relative, a friend, or anything. This poem was really good, and it really made me feel extremely sorry for who ever in this poem lost her family relative or close friend. You did a great job of making this poem feel alive and real!
So I have to say is wonderful, but be careful that you capitalize when you say I. And I agree with Tuesday, who said all those things already. I don't need to waste my time and your time to say them all again, which will be certain to annoy both of us.
So goodbye now, I hope to see your reply, and thanks for reviewing my poems also, it was a great help.
Great job, its ok, if you fix those things your poem will be fantastic!!!!
Goodbye goodbye!
My review is ending now,.....
Curiosity227
Thanks a lot. Well, I see where you and Tuesday are going
No worries, I get it
Good, and thanks for the follow:D
Well, I like your style of writing. The truth in your words is incredibly good. I would like to add if that comes from a true self-anecdote-sort-of-experience, that if this really happened, then that means he actually never loved you. Because if he did he would never ever consider another girl besides you. Plus, I don't agree with the last phrase, which says " you think this will soon over, but your heart knows it won't". It is instead the other way round, you think that the pain would never last but it surely does. Time is the best healing medicine.
Well honestly, time does heal. But for some people, it stays forever. And in my case, (it happened), it healed with time
Well, this is really a nice little piece of work. Has got a lot of truth in it.
Well, this is really a nice little piece of work. Has got a lot of truth in it.
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that i would think most people could relate to this since we mostly have people who love us and care for us, to which we don't see the evil that lurk within themselves. Then after they break our hearts or something, we grieve in pain when really we could have ignored them to begin with. Also i like antonyms such as love and hate, which could be like a love hate relationship and enjoyed the adjectives that you used to a person who had a broken heart.
for this stanza, i might suggest, would be to add the word -will. But your heart knows it will not since it could be used a rhythm for it or add a dramatic flare to when someone reads it.Nitpick(s):
a little suggestion here for this and that would be to change one thing within here and that would be to add -soon. Your inner beast will soon come alive since, like i said before, it adds rhythm or dramatic flare to it.
And engulfs your soul from the inside is what i suggest changing this stanza to or something similar.
this stanza is great in itself yet i would change a little thing within this stanza and that would be But it'd also told you the tale since this seems like it is in past tense rather than present tense.
for this one stanza i would add a word within the line of this. Of another girl, who won his heart since -ruled doesn't really seemed to fit the line or the poem itself (that is just me).
Overall, I would say that this poem could somewhat agree with people who read this since we all must have had a boyfriend or girlfriend that loved us yet as we got to see them drift away from our hearts, we finally see what they were really made of. Also enjoyed the tone which could be dejected or you can't stop thinking about that person who you lost to another person plus enjoyed the little rhyming (faint yet known).
Farewell,
Tuesday
Well, thank you. "but it'd also told you the tale" is completely incorrect. It's incorrect language. And I wrote "ruled" instead of "won" for a reason. "won" would mean that the girl did efforts for him, but "ruled" would mean that the girl was hovering over his head, like a queen bee. See what I mean? thanks anyways