We loved them,
They lied to us.
We trusted them,
And they carelessly broke our trust.
They left us shattered,
Dancing with the ugly truth,
Like ashes on an ash tray,
Like struggling leaves on an old tree.
We still hoped that,
There must be a reasonable explanation,
For them to be so treacherous,
So bitter, so vain.
We thought we knew them,
But we never knew,
There were two faces to all of them.
Our past, the one we love them for,
Was simply the devil with a fake halo.
But we still helped them in times of need,
Tried to get back with them,
But they lied, they betrayed us,
We should not have trusted them,
Yet we did.
The hope is still there,
That one day they will realize,
How they left us,
Battered in the storm of their untruthfulness,
Stumbling on the weak rope high above all their reality,
Crying rivers for them, who never loved us,
Fumbling for words to express our dismay,
Stammering, because we didn’t want to speak again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,854 Reviews
Wow! I really love this poem! Very emotional and raw! My favourite line in this has to be "Dancing with the ugly truth" the only thing I would say is, maybe change "we trusted them, and they carelessly broke our trust" as it makes the whole line feel a little redundant. Again with "like ashes on an ash tray" I would maybe find another word to replace ashes or ash, just a thought. All the best!
El x
Wow! I really love this poem! Very emotional and raw! My favourite line in this has to be "Dancing with the ugly truth" the only thing I would say is, maybe change "we trusted them, and they carelessly broke our trust" as it makes the whole line feel a little redundant. Again with "like ashes on an ash tray" I would maybe find another word to replace ashes or ash, just a thought. All the best!
El x
This poem beautifully tells a tale of a broken heart. We humans are built on a mountain of trust and you talk of how these mountains crumble. I myself can relate to this as I have learnt to keep my mouth shut, anyone could back stab me at any moment which has happened countless of times. You create the image of a persons world being stucked into a black hole as they drown in regret that they trusted this fiend. We usually talk of white lies sometimes being a good thing, but you tell us that once they grow they become large damaging things. One small thing is that you do not need a comma at the end of every line, only when it is needed - change the punctuation around a little and take it out where it isn't neccessery. Over all an interesting idea for a poem. -Marshymallow
Thanks
I'll see to it.
Thats deep. I can definitely relate to this, very truthful and raw. Maybe you can make it a little more personal. I know its weird, but we have absolutely no idea who you are so it really doesn't matter. My favorite line was definitely, "Dancing with the ugly truth" great metaphor. However, "And they carelessly broke our trust." seems a little bit forced. Over all a great emotional poem though.
Thanks
I'll keep that in mind.
Thats deep. I can definitely relate to this, very truthful and raw. Maybe you can make it a little more personal. I know its weird, but we have absolutely no idea who you are so it really doesn't matter. My favorite line was definitely, "Dancing with the ugly truth" great metaphor. However, "And they carelessly broke our trust." seems a little bit forced. Over all a great emotional poem though.
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that some people could relate to this since we trust people with our secrets or something, then the next day they tell everyone with their eyes or just whispering to anyone they can find. Also i enjoyed the tone of this which could be that helpless person who has no one to trust since everyone could be a threat in their life of unknowing or weak.
This stanza seems to repeat itself or rather contradiction to what you have wrote. We thought we knew them, yet we never knew they were there or something or similar to that.Nitpick(s):
Overall, from the mistake from above, i would say this poem has a great tone (most poems can't really write a great tone) of what I have said above also the imagery (although you didn't write it) i can still imagine "weak ropes high above all their reality". Also personification is used in this poem for example: crying rivers , which is used rather nicely. And also welcome to YWS!
Farewell,
Tuesday
I have questions. I feel like it may be about one person and not more but you said they to keep it gender neutral, if this is the case, let us in deeper. If it is about you being broken hearted over a loves betrayal, I need that element to feel it. I do feel like that is where you wanted to go with this because of the line, you get back with them...which means you two are together. Guy or girl, express it. I think it would impact me more that way. Don't be afraid to let us in, baring your soul is the hardest part about writing sometimes, but just read it that way and you will see what I mean. Without that element, it could be about the government, or any body of people. Commit to your feelings, then express them. I'm a girl so if I wrote it I'd write it as I love him! He lied to me..etc. I absolutely love love love the line stumbling on the weak rope high above all their reality. But imagine if it read, stumbling on the weak rope high above his reality. That would directly connect me to your betrayal, and your hurt and your pain. There is a certain amount of trust the writer must have with the reader in order to convey the emotion you intended to convey. If not, it's good, but doesn't let me connect enough to be great.
Actually, I wrote it this way to make it relative in different ways, anyways, I'll keep your advice in mind.
thats the thing, everyone has been betrayed by a significant other, so changing it out with him or her would not have killed the relativity, it just felt to me that you wanted to keep it too open and broad. Just read it the other way and you will see what I mean. It's a great poem though, and I enjoyed reading it!
Thanks
Hey Reet,
Welcome to YWS! I love the freedom of rhythm in this poem. I write poetry but I don't exactly know the particulars to it, so I'll do the best I can. In the first few lines it says "We trusted them, and they carelessly broke our trust." I would suggested replacing one of the "trusts" with a synonym so that it is less redundant. Example: "We had faith in them, and they carelessly broke our trust." I don't have much criticism; this was written amazingly smooth. My favorite lines were probably "Dancing with the ugly truth" and "Stumbling on the weak rope high above all their reality." I don't quite know what "their" is referring to; maybe you meant "our"? Anyway, the imagery here is outstanding! I look forward to more poetry from you.
Keep writing,
Joy
Thank you
Well, it was actually "their reality" because they lied, so "we" here were not aware of it in the past, so their reality is actually the truth they covered up with lies. Okay, I am horrible at explaining things but I hope you got it now 
I get it now.