Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
NT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
DAD, 40s, is sitting in his chair. He plays a game on his phone unaware of his son, Johnny, 14, wide-eyed, naive, creeps up behind him. Johnny looks down nervously. Then he looks up at his dad with a brave face.
JOHNNY
Dad, I need to tell you something.
DAD
(without looking up at his phone)
Yes, Johnny?
Johnny takes out car keys from pocket and places them on the table next to dad, and Johnny takes a deep breath.
JOHNNY
(nervous)
Dad, I've been thinking, and I just had to confess to you that I took the car for a a joyride...
DAD
(still distracted by his phone)
Yeah! High score!
JOHNNY
(still nervous)
...because I got my girlfriend, who you didn't know about, pregnant, and I drove her to the clinic for the abortion, but on the drive there, she wanted to keep the baby, so I had to drive her back. Also, there are a few dents, like everywhere on the car, and one of the backdoors was ripped off. When we arrived back at her house, I sort of the crashed into one of the cars in her driveway, freaked out, then kind of crashed into a tree which fell onto the other car. Oh, also, it turns out my girlfriend is the daughter of Mr. Smith, your boss, and he told me to tell you that you're fired because he said if you clearly can't raise a kid, then you can't do your job and that he will also be suing you promptly.
He waits for Dad's reaction.
DAD
(wasn't listening)
Yeah, yeah, okay.
JOHNNY
Really?
DAD
Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.
JOHNNY
I'm not in trouble?
DAD
(jokingly)
Well, you will be if you won't let me beat my new high score.
JOHNNY
Okay, that's good.
There is a HONKING NOISE outside.
JOHNNY
Those are my friends. Dad, I have to go. They're driving me to the airport for the Spanish class trip to Europe.
DAD
Good, hope you have fun.
JOHNNY
Alright, love you, dad.
JOHNNY
Love you.
EXT. HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - LATER
Johnny is walking to the car on the street. He waves to his friends.
JOHNNY
(getting into car and to himself)
That was better than I thought.
When the car pulls away:
DAD (O.S)
(yellis furiously from inside the house)
Johnny!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,847 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hi! DragonNoir here for a review!
Well, this seems deep, yet also kind of entertaining at the same time. Dad seems to be a bit slow in the head if you ask me lol. You set the script out quite effectively overall, but I have a few things to point out:
"DAD, 40s..." You say that, but later you state that Johnny is 14, which is much more precise than saying "40s" if you ask me. It doesn't seem to work that you give one character a specific age, but give an age range for another. Although I'm not too fussy about that, it did seem kind of out of place.
"because I got..." Despite it being Johnny continuing his explanation, you could've had it as this to make it more grammatically correct:
"... Because I got..."
I know I pick out minor mistakes a lot, but I'm just saying because there will be someone more picky than me and will have a go at you for making the slightest mistake. Either way, I feel like you could've added more body language to the script as stage directions to give it more emotion. Apart from that, I think this is pretty awesome.
Overall, a great script, but you could add more stage directions with body language to add more emotion to the dialogue.
I hope my review helped!
If you found "a lot' then, I would appreciate it if you called them all out.
I said I only found a few and listed that few which I found.
Hello, Redbox275! Ruby here to review your newly posted work. Haven't seen you around or read anything from you either so here goes.
This was very comical, and I can definitely relate to Johnny. I'll try to get someone's attention multiple times and when I fail to they get really mad once they find out what actually happened. It almost sparks the need to get off our phones and pay attention to our surrounds which I liked very much. Here were some mistakes I found:
You're missing an "of"
Missing an "on" after "them" and the next subject you use should be a pronoun
Overall it was very funny!
~Ruby <3
My fiancé actually laughed at this one! I like it!